Hi,

after a breakup and some recovery I went back into dating. I usually do it over online platforms as I have to sit a desk all day and I have an OK response ratio. I had two dates recently, and both went well and not so well. I'm 35, my dates were 31 and 32.

The first one is an American postdoc gal that went to Germany to work on a neuroscience project. She is very nice, I find her interesting, smart and definitely attractive. But: She got out of a five year relationship only 5 weeks ago. I had a good first date with her, going to an exhibition, having a drink, having walks by the river, meeting random people and bar hopping until 03:00 am. As I was stranded in her city she let me crash with her, apologizing for "not being that girl" that would sleep on the first date. I frankly didn't care as I made the experience, that fucks on the first date often devolve into a FB rather than a LTR, so I don't go for it. I am not 100% sure if I am inviting disaster as 5weeks of separation after 5 years of a committed relationship seem awfully short.

The other girl is also very nice, less sharp, more shy but with a really great sense of humour and a personality that made me feel at ease. It's one of these cases where you click instantly and talking to them is like fitting into an old glove. We made out, kissed and ... bam. "I just realized I'm not over my last relationship". This was a 2,5year long relationship that ended 2 months ago. She texted me several messages, being apologetic, telling me she was into me but also unable to put thoughts of her last relationship aside etc.

I can sympathize with that as I've been in the same position before.

Now the question: How do I navigate these two cases? I am old and controlled enough not to invest myself emotionally into a forlorn cause. I had the impression in both cases that they liked me and found me fun to be with. Is no contact for some weeks a smart move? Or rather more "dates" with a certain tension? Or even simple, fun activities?How do spend time with either of them without the risk of being friendzoned?

Cheers,
Mono

Case #1. You should have went for it, she was both expecting you, and wanting you to do so.

If you get another 'date' like that, go for it.
Verbal LMR nothing more.

Case #2.
Same thing.

Agree with her, but continue make-out.

Casual sex is the 1st building block.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

You want to freeze out some girls you dated ONCE? That'll be completely ineffective, dude.

I think you could have slept with the one who's rebounding... But don't know if you'll get another shot. Give her a call though. Get her out again... Don't act like a tool or play games though, just escalate. That's all...

Be fun and escalate.

First of all thanks to you both for the feedback. I am not comfortable escalating when a girl shows discomfort or tells me "No". I don't want to freeze them (or to punish them) I want them to have some space.

And whereas I didn't escalate with the first one, I got the second to kissing and making out before I felt her drifting away. As I usually get the feedback of being a good kisser I do not think this was a "technical problem" but an inner turmoil taking place. I take blame for not building enough rapport/attraction to quell that struggle, but it is difficult fighting against a rather recent LTR. We kissed again when I walked her home, so I do not think this is a lost cause. But I am wary of committing myself under these cirumcstances.

She texted me that I seemed like a very fine guy and that I should call her again if felt saucy (she used an archaic German expression). So I called her later in the evening telling her that I called because I already felt saucy. We arranged for a movie night with Blood Diamond and making French Crepes (the pinnacle of my cooking skills). So I'll try my luck again and frankly feel lucky: The fact that she agreed to this without any hesitation means to my mind that she's more than open to more physical contact.

And I don't want to sound like a virgin: But how do I properly escalate after the kissing/making out part?This is the moment I fear because she might lapse back into the "omg, I have to think about my recent ltr" loop. I usually take my time to build up tension but here I think it might be better going for the panties, like a Sir.

Well, I was fun and did escalate with the one who claimed no to be over the last relationship. We kissed a lot, made out and I made her wet with a saucy story but she still put up LMR, telling me that she didn't want to wake up regretting this the next morning as she had to take care of herself at this stage. "I don't want to give you any false hope". I told her I was old enough not to fall madly in love after touching a boob. She eased up a little bit, telling that this was a very good feeling distraction, yet I always run into LMR when going under her clothes. Rubbing her clit through the jeans: no prob. Caressing her breasts through her top: no problem. Touching her skin: problem.

She left when her last bus was going, we kissed good bye. I do think she is coming over to the idea, but I have no clue as to how make her go that last step.