Been with this girl over a year now, been going really well....

Everything was fine, it's a bit long distance but we see each other week ends, shes been texting me all week as normal saying how much she misses me and cant wait for the week end.

I get here Thursday night at her house, we have sex, shes happy.

Friday - day she is fine, I then meet up with an old friend friday night for an hour, get back and it's as though shes not interested in me.

Friday/Saturday/now - No interest what so ever, been playing a game on her phone all day, doesnt want to hold my hand like she usually does, isnt kissing me, after i gave up on trying to please her she asks me why im looking upset, i said im not, i just started doing my own thing.

We go to bed, she doesnt want to cuddle up like usual, i just want to get the fuck out of here now, i dont get why shes gone totally cold, but i feel like iv wasted a whole fucking week end of my time now.

Is there any way of retrieving this? At the moment I just feel like saying tomorrow when i leave, yeah its been nice, you will always mean alot to me but this is the end of the road for us......

I really like her, but just cant be dealing with this kind of shit, i got too much important stuff going on in my life right now.

Ideas?

Find out why she's acting like that.

_________________
mpuaforum.proboards.com

Did you see her last weekend or has there been a gap period? Possible she is caught up in the ecstasy of seeing you again, you leave for the night and she begins to bring back in doubts she's been harbouring. That, or something else is wrong that she doesn't want to talk about.
This is what you do. Ask her what her deal is, if she insists she doesn't have one you do as you say, you get the fuck out of there and tell her exactly why. 'You didn't come down here for this shit.' Tell her to call you when she's ready to open up a bit.
Don't do this, don't break up with her if you do like her. By doing the above you put the ball firmly in her court.
Incorporate that into my above response.
God's speed.

-Mx

_________________
"Love is three quarters curiosity." ~Casanova
Hominem Unius Libri Timeo



Diploma in Clinical Hypnosis -- GHR & NHS

Your right.

I think what it may be is that last summer i went away to do a job for 2 months, and when i mentioned this 3 weeks ago that i was thinking about it, she started being in a mood. Then the friend i met up with was a guy who i did this job overseas with, and i came back talking about how much fun it was.

Perhaps it was this? and she doesnt want me to go away?

Last week she was telling me how she thinks one day we will have kids saying how much she loves me, so i dont get why all the sudden change.

Shes laying in bed now. Do i just stay in the other room? go back and like last night sleep the other side of the bed? or pretend nothing is wrong and cuddle her? Although she was insisting tonight, and last night in keeping her clothes on, where usually we will sleep naked. And then if there is no change tomorrow when i go, il just say ok im off, let me know when your ready to open up.

You know, 20 days holiday a year I get, and ive just wasted one (friday) on coming to see her when i got a million things i want to do before im 30. I work hard all week and iv just spunked my whole week end away. Although I am fuming about this, do i just keep it cool? And not let her know im bothered?

Don't get angry, you gain nothing from that.

Let's go with the assumption that she is concerned that you will go again and she feels that this may screw up her future plans for being with you long term. You're prone to go for long periods, she may think this means she isn't the number 1 priority in your life (hint: she shouldn't be). Don't stay in the other room and don't cuddle her, take your middle option. Get into bed and backturn. If you just want a quick and dirty, go to bed and in the morning/when you leave/when it comes up just say "look, I came down here on one of my few days to have fun and you really weren't. I know you can be, but I really feel like I wasted my weekend and you won't open up about whats going on. If you feel like it, call me." The new information you've provided is definitely important.

I don't know where exactly you would put yourself in this whole 'pua' world we are living in here, but my angle with this stuff is using language to place ideas and feelings in people that make them feel good. Again, working with the assumption that what I mentioned above is her difficulty you might want to try the following:
Go to bed (backturn). In the morning when you get up don't be angry or overly cold, be detached. Don't go out of your way for her and do your thing before you leave. If she asks you whats up, fire it back at her. If she still says they're nothing or she doesn't bring up your attitude before you leave I would say something like this:

"You know insert her name, I don't get a lot of time off from work but when I do I like to spend it doing things that give me great feelings and memories before I have to go back. With me, this is really important and when I see myself 3 weeks, 6 months, 1 year into the future, I see myself with someone who wants (add adjectives here you would use to describe her. Stock: as much fun, excitement and pleasure) as I do. I see me with someone like that *touch her shoulder*. Now, this weekend I wanted to spend it with *hold up left hand, like you are balancing a book on it* the fun, happy, adorable her name but instead I spent it with *hold up right hand like left, both up now* a girl who was distant, not fun and boring. I know this isn't the real you *drop your right hand to your side* but this girl now *touch her shoulder again with your left hand* is the one I see myself with in 3 weeks, 6 months, 1 year. That girl would know now that while I really care for her, I can't be with her if that other girl is still there. So if you find yourself wanting to talk soon, with me and open up, then give me a call her name.

Good luck.

-Mx

_________________
"Love is three quarters curiosity." ~Casanova
Hominem Unius Libri Timeo



Diploma in Clinical Hypnosis -- GHR & NHS

Thanks memento.

I didn't totally go with your advice as it was a bit late, but here is what happened.....

I got back into and decided I would cuddle her, she love cuddles, she was fully dressed still. Was awkward, nothing back from her. (the reason why is because i did what you said the night before, and i thought maybe she is just upset with me wanting to leave, as turning my back the night before had no good effects) This morning I tried to talk to her and said, what's up? she said nothing. It was just so fricking awkward though.

I went in the bathroom for over an hour reading the news on my phone, had a shower then came out and said ok im going to go now. So i just walked out, she came to the door and said are you going to give me a kiss good bye? So I kissed her as I see her big bright blue eyes gleem back at me.

I walked off, she then text me saying, why are you so upset? followed by... why are you ignoring me? etc...

So I was just annoyed you know, going all the way to visit her on the train for her to be totally cold with me all week end. So i just said, i came down to see you and it was as if we were strangers.

She then says, do you want us to end? So i said no, but I don't want it to be like this every time I visit.
It then goes along a little more and she says that would i rather be friends? So i said there is no chance of us being friends then she starts getting upset that she wants me in her life.....

So im thinking... wtf? Did she friend zone me in a LDR? Not sure, looks a bit like it. But i said no chance, then i just suggested, lets see each other in two weeks time, and she replied she doesnt know becuase she thinks it will make things worse. She spills about how she is finding the long distance hard and that last week she was texting me saying she misses me and thinks we are going to be together forever and have kids was because she misses me. But now its making her unhappy only seeing me every 2-3 weeks.

If it was a friend I would say, she probably cheated on you, i dont think shes that kind of girl though, more to the point she texts/calls me alot so i dont think she would have. She went out wednesday night with some friends and then calls me after at 4am, pissing me off as im asleep, saying she cant wait until thursday for me to see her.

It's not her time of the month either..... although it did seem that way.

To be fair I'm totally mind fucked right now, the worst part is shes a nice girl and i hate how i just walked out looking at her eyes gleaming at me, i should not have done this, but i was just pissed off. And on the train i kept thinking,,, should i go back. But iv been out with girls who waste my time before, and you know.... its not on that she wasted it in the first place, i decided not to make the beta move and go back.

*****FUCK*****, and the worst part is from your advice I did not read proply. About putting the ball in her court, I read it at like 4am when I was mega tired and I thought you said put the ball firmly in her court. What was I thinking?

To be honest I am gutted now. I feel as though I partially was a catalyst in this due to my lack of patience for female moods. It's so hard when you have a time restriction and want to make it work. And as there is the distance its not as though I can just call round or bump into her to try igniting anything. Balls totally in her court. Im gutted. Guess that's life. Would it have still happened if I got your advice spot on, or would it have just dragged out more.

Next steps is the only thing I can go by now. She has been texting me alot. I would like to spend the week end with her in two weeks time and suggested it to her, even if we still end there, atleast it will be nice to do so. Today just ended a year in a fucked up way, and i cant really blame her, she is a nice girl, very attached when she is attached, shes at college for another year and a half. I would want fun if i were her. I'm a few years older and met her at college last year as a mature student. Since leaving college I have a job that i hate, iv put on weight. I'm back to where i started on these forums, the guy that i didnt want to be.

It just comes back to the fact that I wouldn't be to fussed if she didnt want what i wanted, but id just like to end it in a good way. Bother or not?

Sorry for the rant.

Are you sure there isn't something you missed or are withholding? Odd that she did a complete 180 in such an incredibly short span of time. Positive there isn't someone else? My experience is most of the time women don't leave unless they have something lined up to fall right into.

That is what I thought aswell. She just doesn't go out enough to get with other guys, she may have got drunk the other night, kissed someone and feels bad. Who knows. She did say over xmas that some guy she worked with messaged her saying he was in love with her, i just laughed and always joke about "her other bf" which she always denies saying she doesnt talk to him anymore as he is wierd.

I bitched in a bit in the texts saying lets see how it goes in a couple weeks. I just thought, fuck this. So text her saying "Fuck this, i dont even know why im even bothering, im done, have fun"

Put that question totally out of the pen, im going to try holding off from texting her. It's so hard to not, even after reading about how to become more alpha a couple of years ago, when your with someone for that long, which started off every day to the LDR, it's so hard. It is a mind fuck.

I'm going to say it looks as though she's being pretty direct here about her needs (physical intimacy/having you close).

Her behavior makes perfect sense: upset you're speaking with a friend while there rather than her, albeit someone who works abroad and may influence you to do the same thereby decreasing the likelihood of her seeing you as often. ANYTHING that represents having greater distance between the two of you will result in protest behavior from her, understandably.

Her distancing behavior (e.g., not cuddling, holding hands); she's conflicted heavily in investing more in somebody she likes a lot, but who also isn't meeting a high priority need of hers. When the mind forecasts there'll be a loss of sorts (e.g., a death, ending of a relationship etc) there will be some internal strife and you will almost always see distancing behavior coupled with moments of closeness. This is normal, and I would say symptomatic of her struggling with herself about the future of the relationship.



So, the question to you is are you willing to compromise for this person, OR if you aren't, can you do the kindest thing you can do for her by letting her go so she can find somebody who can meet her need? You both are clearly at a crossroads here, and if it continues status quo then definitely something will give. I would suggest the two of you have an open conversation about this elephant in the room. Find out what being with you looks like to her - does she require MORE of your time in person? Does she simply want more texts, phone conversations and other communication during the in-between meet times?

When you freeze her out/become less responsive to her as a tactic it's passive aggressive and more damaging than anything else. It will at some point push her away altogether as she's struggling with the LDR and now you're going to pull back even more to get her to chase after you? This may work for as a short-term strategy but she'll eventually tire of the situation and find something else to move onto.

The sooner you UNLEARN this, the better off you'll be.

I think i've really fucked it up now going by what you said. Maybe this was that pushing her away thing until she gets totally sick of it. I messaged her saying fuck it, im done im not going to bother...etc....

She replied:
I love you but we're not gunna make this work if you keep changing on me like this, we were just talking then you got pissed off all of a sudden. I'm sorry for telling you how I felt, I'm sorry for making you feel like giving up on me and I'm sorry for the way things are. I'm gutted, but it's worse that you won't even try to be friends with me, we've had such a nice time together and don't see why we have to give each other up forever. But if it makes you feel better than I'll just have to deal with it over time. I hope you get everything you want in life. I love you and sorry again

I'm seriously offended by all this friend bullshit. What the fuck is that about? Yet she says she loves me twice.

I never replied and she just messaged me again asking if im ok, and snap chatted me, guess so she knows i looked.

I havn't messaged back, I am thinking with the distance, getting her back will have a time restriction as if we leave it say 3 weeks, she will probably just accept that LDR will lose my interest completely.

I was thinking of messaging tomorrow, do i be more friendly to start off with? Do i go into whats concerned her, do i bring up good memories? See if she wants to give it another go?

Thanks guys, appreciate the advice.

Saying "Fuck this, i dont even know why im even bothering, im done, have fun," is a really hard line to take. When you say these things you really should have your mind made up to walk away and it sounds like you definitely don't.

The more I read threads on here I think more and more guys are worried about being ALPHA rather than being sensible. You said yourself that it was a good relationship for a year...does throwing that away because of one bad weekend sound like good sense? You should take a step back and decide what you and her want and then actually have a discussion. If its been a year you should probably know where things are headed. Don't text her the conversation either these things should be done face to face.

Thanks I get where you are coming from, it was just something I lashed out on, my initial thoughts of thrustration. I can't really talk to her face to face now as she lives a few hours away. The only thing I can do is text her as she refuses to talk on the phone because she reckons she will just cry.

Your right though, one week end shouldn't determine this relationship.

You obviously didn't read my post.

With freezing her out, I can almost guarantee you're sure to lose her.