| I'm going to give you some tips on how to get over your oneitis for your Ex in this thread. First some background info on why you're experiencing this phenomenon. For all intents and purposes, your brain is a learning computer that continually absorbs information on a sensory level (sight/sound/taste/smell/touch) and processes this information though your conscious mind. Your conscious mind is where all your logical thinking takes place, so the sensory information you experience is processed by your conscious mind and through a sequence of events is given a meaning. This meaning is then absorbed into your subconscious mind over time and a belief structure is formed around this meaning. The belief structure then motivates future behavior vis a vis that particular sensory information. Since this belief structure is now engrained in your subconscious you are now more or less operating on auto pilot towards that particular sensory information. To give you an example, the first time you ever bench pressed you were completely engaging your conscious mind in the process. You were consciously placing your hands at the right grip points on the bar, lifting the weight off the rack, feeling the bar descend, balancing it down, using force to push the weight back up, balancing it back up, counting off the reps and made sure you racked the bar properly when you completed the set. You were completely thinking about every element of each rep and completed a set. After doing this for months on end, you reached a point where you no longer think about hand position, descent of the bar, pushing the weight back, etc. Instead, you can concentrate on the pump, mind/muscle connection or zone out depending on your lifting style. What's happened is that information you were consciously focusing on your first bench press rep has been absorbed into your subconscious so you're no longer thinking about it.
The conscious mind provides anywhere from 1%-10% of our daily cognitive activity. This means that 90%-99% of your daily activity is being run by your subconscious mind. For comparison, the conscious mind processes 40 bits of data per second. The subconscious mind processes 40 million bits of data per second. Now that you know how powerful the subconscious mind is, its important to understand a key facet about it. The subconscious mind is not a logical system, its a memory based system that's using these belief structures I mentioned earlier to motivate your feelings and behavior. The belief structures that are engrained in your subconscious are collated as either good/bad. And since they're given an emotional value by your subconscious mind they will be overestimated. So a good belief structure will feel very good and a bad belief structure will feel very bad. This is one reason people have such a hard time breaking old habits or overcoming a traumatic experience, the subconscious has over appraised it and now the conscious mind (trying to break the habit/overcome the trauma) is battling against it.
So what does all this have to do with your oneitis/Ex/Man Crush? Guys are wired in such a way where we lump attraction and attachment together, since there's a direct connection b/w our brain and our sexual physiology. So when we're very attracted to a girl, we rapidly become attached to her as well (The exception to this is guys who have dated a lot of women and can separate attraction and attachment much easier, although oneitis can get anyone). This becomes stronger and deeper as the relationship progresses with the girl. What's happening is your conscious mind has experienced a sensory stimulus (the girl) and through its analysis has formed a belief structure (this girl is hot/great/etc.) and over time, as things have been going good with the girl, this has engrained itself in your subconscious where its given an emotional value which has overestimated it (this girl is the "one"). Your behavior is now operating on auto pilot with this overestimated belief structure that has been reinforced (by things going good with the girl) and given a powerful emotional value. The end result is you have now idealized the girl in your mind.
Now once things go bad, like a breakup, cognitive dissonance is created. What's happening is deep within your subconscious mind there's a belief structure about this idealized girl but your conscious mind is exposed to her absence. This discrepancy is resolved by your subconscious mind motivating your behavior (feel bad, obsess over her, compare every girl to her, etc.)
So why is this important? B/c to get over your oneitis you need to shatter that belief structure about her that's deeply ingrained in your subconscious. First, you need to develop a new belief structure that displaces the idealized one you have of her. Everyday you need to spend time and focus on all the negative qualities about her. Do this as a daily ritual. Second, you need to accomplish new goals immediately. This will force your brain into learning that you can succeed without your oneitis in your life which will further shatter that idealized belief structure of her. Third, you need to give it time. You have to understand that you have a powerful belief structure in your subconscious that is dictating your behavior and the only solution will be to displace that idealized belief structure with a new one. This process takes time using the techniques above.
So there you have it. Now you have an understanding of exactly why you have oneitis which will help you towards getting over them. _________________ My #1 MONEY line to pull sets: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkHjnZgCP18 (0:25)
Stop being "perfect." It's time to evolve.
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CHAT
