This FR is going to mostly be constructive self wallowing. It is going to be full of feels and not very pick up related at all. But as I said, I don't associate with "PU" anymore. So if you feel like you won't be able to relate, you best skip over this now.

The past couple of days have been pretty rough actually. Now that I got it through my skull that she really doesn't want anything to do with me, it has taken an emotional effect. I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating well, and I've been overall anxious. When you get a crush on a girl, it is true that you can't stop thinking about her. I'll take this further though. I don't think this is just true about women. When you are living in the present moment, you are nearly always thinking of some form of happiness you are working for in the future. As being inherently human, the moment we wake up we are trying to fulfill our needs. We have so many different levels of needs, but there is usually one primary object of fixation at a time that occupies the majority of our thoughts and efforts.

So for the past month or so, my focus shifted on her. On a logical level though, I KNOW that she was not all that special. Most of my jokes landed flat with her (which annoyed the fuck out of me because my wit is impeccable). She was usually inconsiderate towards how I really felt. I didn't like how she had fucked more guys than I had girls, and she only used protection with half of her previous partners. I continually felt like I was chasing and that my level of investment was always greater than hers in me.

The sex was really good, and I liked how she was in this department. I had some of my firsts with her. The problem was that her sexuality was a double edged sword. Every guys wants a whore in the bedroom, but a good girl outside the bedroom.

She also pulled that condom stunt when I told her that I felt uncomfortable continuing to not use protection, and she basically tried to force herself on me anyway. When I held my ground, she ended up leaving right there and then. That wasn't very cool. This was just one of many examples of things that she did to me that I would never do to her.

I think the reason that I had the attachment I did was because of a lot of things...few of them directly relating to her as a person. For one, I was seeing her when I got the most sick I have gotten in a long time. This was a hard time for me and I was pretty much shut up in my room for a few weeks. All I had to do to keep myself occupied was pretty much think of her and talk to her. She visited me when I was in bed. We had sex twice when she came over. The thing is, bringing girls over to my house is something that I never do. She was the first girl that I had sex in my own bed with ever. I still live at home right now, and bringing a girl home has some inherent significance to me. So I think that was a stupid move on my part.

I liked going over her place and hanging out. She lived in student living, and it made me want to go back to college. When I originally had been attending the university, I had those girlfriend cravings that were never fulfilled. I always wanted to ask girls out in my class, but never did. Before I got into game, I got virtually no action whatsoever. So I guess I was trying to fulfill the college fantasies that I never fulfilled as well.

The fact she chose to go cold on me also directly rubbed up on previous wounds. It was what I was afraid of this whole time. I basically told her my greatest fear regarding intimacy, she led me to relax and trust her that it wouldn't happen, and then she directly invoked that exact fear. This is something that I can't quite seem to wrap my mind around. My mind has been doing mental gymnastics to try to get her to like me again, to placate my emotions and get back what I lost. The problem is even if she somehow turned back around, I now know the level of insensitivity she is capable of. Letting a person like her back into my life would be unhealthy. Like relapsing back into crystal meth. I am forced to realize that I was only obsessed with my own unfulfilled needs and fantasies, and she happened to be the vehicle for them.

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Game doesn't exist.