Im going to try keep this brief. I met a HB 8 girl in Aug, with whom things went really well for the first month and a half. First date went great, and I could tell she was really into me as we kissed and we spent the night at her place. From there on, we started hanging out more and more, I would receive text messages from her first thing in the mornings, snap chats before I even got to work, unsolicited phone calls just to say hi or hang out etc. All signs that this girl is really falling for me. We would go on awesome dates, filled with many activities and adventures, dancing, wakeboarding, rock climbing, etc. were both very social so it was fun. She mentioned at multiple occasions that the things I do "blow her mind", even saying that regularly after sex. She was spending the night at least 2-3 times during the week, and we were together on the weekends. I started having little feelings for her.

At one point, around the beginning of Oct., during pillow talk, she asks me what are we doing? and I reply back, "having sex, what do you mean?" I obviously knew what she meant but, I tried to be the cool guy and play nonchalant. Another time, during an intimate conversation we were having, she calls me her BF, and I said "oh I didnt know I was your boyfriend", she replies by saying "sorry, lover". Many signs leading me to believe she wants a LTR.

A few days later, we meet up at a wine bar (ironic because I left my previous GF at the same place) and she tells me that we need to pump the brakes, and that she doesnt want our relationship to keep building up and basically wants to plateau. I'm caught off guard with that, and I tell her to take some time, and to talk to me after the weekend, but she ends up texting me Saturday to hang out at plans we had talked about from before.

The text messages and sexy snapchats stopped, not calling me as much, and her just being cold. I ask her what she wants, and basically says that she wants to be FWB. I think to myself nice this could be cool, but then again, I was starting to have feelings for her. I let her know that Im not interested in pursuing other girls, but we dont have to call our thing a "relationship", hoping I would get reciprocal SPAM back with her and other men. She mentioned that she didnt want to hook up with other guys, but was also very vague about things. Nonetheless, I didnt like the distance vis-a-vis how we were previously.

Eventually we get to last night, and during a phone conversation about us, I tell her that I have one last question. So I says to her:
"Im not looking for a serious commitment from you at this time, but I want to know a direction, I dont want to see other girls but want to stay friends with you and see where this could go down the road. I want to know if you want that, or if we should move on"

She says that shes not interested in anything romantic in the future due to how I was questioning her desire to be FWB, so I said "ok cool, call me if you ever want to hang out". and that was it.

I might be a fool for turning down FWB, but then it was hard for me to live with such distance after the connection we had. Should I have played this differently? What lessons should I take with me into the future?

thank you all!

She wanted a relationship, and your 'playing it cool' pissed her off.

If all you wanted was a fuck buddy, you should have been up front about that before you started doing shit together like boyfriend/girlfriend and then refusing to label it.

So you want a relationship or not ?

She had a clear idea of what she wanted from you. You were the cool guy who doesn't know what he is doing and let the girl lead. Telling a girl let's just be friends and see how it goes ? Why ?

Either tel her that you want her as a fuck buddy because you want to fuck other girls (which you aren't) or just make it exclusive.

You pissed her off by being non decisive.

I didnt want a fuck buddy, I actually started liking her, and wanted something more from the whole thing...

I told her that I liked her, and I made my intentions clear. She was the one who said she didnt want a relationship when I told her I'm willing to commit to her. Maybe I was too late on the draw here.

I told her I wanted to be friends and see how it goes because she was the one who said "lets just be friends", I guess she was not willing to keep the option open to future developments? or did that overwhelm her?

No, you missed the boat when she called you a boyfriend and you corrected her.

That's where you lost her. Right there.

DAMN

I plan on not contacting her for a while, but is this situation rectifiable in your opinion?

You were the one who decided she wasn't your girlfriend, remember? You can't complain that she's being cold to you now. You were cold first because you were playing some game, but as always, gaming your girlfriend will bite you in the behind.

I love these threads, where the guy is so 'alpha' that he 'I don't give a fuck's' himself out of the girl... Or feels so disrespected he dumps her thinking it's the correct behavior.

Anyway, in terms of what you can do...

Without losing face, there's not much... You need to convey your interest in being more than fuck buddies with her, without telling her that -- I know that's "gamey" but if you tell her, then boom, no more challenge...

I sort of think one of the female posters on this forum may be able to help you more than I can.

yeah unfortunately I did bite myself in the behind here...I kind of freaked out in the moment and answered without thinking my answers thru. (im usually pretty smooth otherwise ) I was thinking about taking a little break of about a few weeks, then possibly reaching back out to her.

Also hoping, in a perfect world, she would get a little sense and realize that my actions spoke louder than my words by HOW I treated her, and she contacts me

This. Exactly.


There's only so long they can go without getting some sort of reassurance that you want to LTR them. You get maybe one or two rejections of a LTR before it's over and they emotionally move on. Once that happens you're done. Then you try to reassure them after it's too late and you push them even further away.

Notes:

I'm caught off guard with that, and I tell her to take some time, and to talk to me after the weekend, but she ends up texting me Saturday to hang out at plans we had talked about from before.

don't do stuff like this, telling her to take some time, telling her to talk after the weekend, like you're waiting around for her. if she says she wants to slow down you need to say "no prob, see ya" and leave immediately. don't do it like an asshole per se, do it more friendly but as if you have better shit to be doing. because at this point she's falling fast out of attraction and she needs some sort of spark.

I let her know that Im not interested in pursuing other girls

why dude? why why why lol. girls WANT to be with guys who have lots of girls chasing them and who are interested in other girls. why would you basically hand her the keys to this fledgling relationship with a statement like this? i get that you're trying to do the right thing here but you have to unlearn basically everything you've been taught about women these days.

"Im not looking for a serious commitment from you at this time, but I want to know a direction, I dont want to see other girls but want to stay friends with you and see where this could go down the road. I want to know if you want that, or if we should move on"


don't even have to read further to know how she's gonna respond to this. a good rule of thumb here is to NEVER be the one who initiates the LTR talk. let the girl do it (as she did, interestingly) but you never do it. i made this exact mistake a little while ago and almost got burned. i basically had to convert the LTR talk into me being afraid of getting an STD so it didn't look like i wanted her romantically like that. but one thing i never did was act like i didn't have a zillion other girls waiting for me. that's the key in all of this attraction stuff. gotta be high value, she has to think she's reeling you, the mighty great white, in from the bountiful sea where you've been feasting and where you will continue to feast as soon as she makes the mistake of releasing you.

as someone here once told me about trying to figure out the status of a relationship with a girl, "if a guy said that to me after just three months, i'd run for the hills." and you're only at 1.5 months.


my guess is she got frustrated with you, met another guy and is now doing a bunch of fun shit with him, kinda comparing you two to see which one she likes. i'd back off totally, don't respond to her texts, etc., just total freeze out. let this other dude make a blunder and she'll most likely come back to you in the next month or so. meanwhile, focus on other women. if she doesn't come back it wasn't meant to be and you move on.

_________________
You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Doesn't matter what YOU two labeled it as, you were bf/gf. That's why the feelings were developing on both of your parts. Any time you spend this much time with a girl, she is your gf period.

That's why if you want to be in the pua game it's advisable not to spend 5 days a week with the same girl, or this situation will likely take place.

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship of course, however your ambiguity to her request to officially define something that was already in plain existence for all the world to see is what caused her to bolt.

One thing The community is seriously lacking in is relationship management. All you can do now is wait for her to contact you. You MUST I repeat MUST remain congruent to your last statement to her telling her to call if she wants to hang out. She'll most likely start to miss you and those feelings will increase over time to the point where she hits you up. When she does make definite plans to get together ie: time day place and get off the phone. If she says something like let's just be friends say this exactly I like you you're a great girl however I'm only interested in you romantically I'm not interested in friendship if that's what you're looking for I think its best we spend our time with ppl looking for the same things, but if you change your mind give me a call. Then walk away and never look back however if you do that I almost promise within a week she'll be back.

This is why I personally hate pua this girl was into you hardcore! And you totally pua'd her out of liking you. What you need to do is forget the pua bullshit, and read Corey Wayne's book how to be a 3% man. Once you read that all pua material will become imaterial also keep your eye out for a new book from Eddie Fews soon to be released I can tell you its a game changer!

I don't get the fear that people have with telling a girl you want to be in a relationship. I see it as a masculine and natural thing to do. Maybe that's because when I do it, I come from the frame that I'm choosing her, not hoping she is giving me a privilege. Why wouldn't I claim a girl? As men, we approach, we set the date, we go for the kiss, we escalate to sex...why would we not be the ones to escalate the relationship as well? Why would we not lead? Basic frame: I go for what the fuck I want. I'm kissing you when I want to kiss you. I'm sleeping with you when I want to sleep with you. Likewise, when I want to make the relationship official I say so. I'd actually feel less masculine if a girl asked me first about being my gf, because I'd feel like I didn't step up first. Like a girl going for the kiss, I'd realize I was being a pussy.

Guys, don't be afraid to go for what you want. If a girl stops talking to you or loses interest if you say "I want you to be my gf", guess what....she was probably not serious about you, or liked you that much and was holding out for something better. She was with you for the challenge and games, and even if she asks you first to win you over, once you accept she'll be on to the next challenge. Learn to weed out girls who are into you for you; for YOUR sense of humor, YOUR personality, YOUR confidence etc...not the ones who are into you because you're "hard to get." Sure, a little challenge is good, but if after a good amount of dates she's still dating you because you're probably sleeping with other girls....jeez, don't you want a relationship where you can just relax??

At the end of the day, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. What could be more non needy and confident than that? A girl pulling away when you express yourself like a man is just saving you from playing games for a little longer to finally get a girl who doesn't like you that much for you. If you need to game her to get into a relationship, you're going to have to game her to stay in it. Be real with her, because if you're playing games with her, she's playing games with you. Get your life in order...your passions, your friends, your career, confidence etc so when you get the relationship decision phase, your life is enough to keep her interested. If you need her to know or think you're sleeping with 3 other girls so she chases a month or 2 in, it's because your life is messed up. You should be able to tell a girl, I'm not dating anyone, and she should know that you CAN get girls from how you project yourself and how she feels. If she's with you and thinking "he's average fun and interesting...but he has other girls...so he MUST be a catch" you have a problem. You want her to think "Wow, he is so fun, interesting and motivated...I feel great with him and he IS a catch. Other girls would love a guy like this. I'm lucky"