As soon as your cold goes away hit the streets and meet some more girls. She can likely feel the questioning that you have of yourself as to whether you're doing everything just right. On the other hand, the aloofness that you give off once you're in the flow with other women will definitely be picked up on by her and she will most likely be very, very intrigued. Get well soon bro.

Mate you don't need advise on relationships. What you need advice on is still the "pick-up".

Its too common a mistake, you need to avoid it. Until you're actually in an official relationship, nothing is cemented. You cant go treating it like such.

You're being too needy. If you're not careful you're gonna lose her attraction and everything that came with it. As it is, the dynamics is bad. She knows you want a relationship, and you know she doesnt want one. THATS TERRIBLE.Now she feels like she has a choice, she can be discerning and take her time.

Research has shown that woman like man who are pre-selected. Men who are taken or have options.

"Female and male participants who were single or in a relationship viewed information about an opposite-sex other and indicated their interest in pursuing this target. Half of the participants were told that the target was single and half read that the target was currently in a relationship. The results showed that only single women were more interested in pursuing an attached target rather than a single target."

Reference: Jessica Parker, Melissa Burkley. 'Who’s chasing whom? The impact of gender and relationship status on mate poaching'. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology
Volume 45, Issue 4, July 2009, Pages 1016–1019

Anyway its common knowledge in pick-up, even if it hasn't been scientifically backed up properly. In this case, its established she has options, but the same hasn't been established for you.

You need to snap out of it, and be cool, confident, charming and NOT NEEDY. Make her chase you, and turn the whole thing around.

Translation.

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The power of Social Proof. Many props for referencing the journal study.

The following sentence doesn't necessarily apply to the OP's situation but it goes along with what translation posted: When you have an aloof attitude around women (but of course are pursuing them in a relaxed, playful manner) they naturally just assume and know that other girls get naked for you and BECAUSE THEY ASSUME THIS they give you their best sex.

Fully agree.

OP that's exactly how u need to approach this girl. Be more "aloof". Your too needy.

Gd luck.

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We have an extensive body of knowledge.

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It would seem as though the OP is not at a point in time where he is managing multiple women but yes if he can do something (anything) to have this girl feeling that he has options that will definitely work in his favor. An aloof attitude while remaining interested will help towards this.

I had read numerous of times about the "pre selection" thing and I don't fully agree with it. I think that if a person ( man or woman) is desired by lots of people then it is a good because it does raises the social value of a person. However, if the person is taken then the women that will try to flirt with the man will either have issues from childhood or they just want to compete with the woman that the guy is with. The attraction will be lost once the victory is declared. I have seen it lots of times happening. I personally take the "pre selection" theory with a grain of salt ( ie not rejecting it fully but I am being more skeptical).

@OP
I will have to agree with the first poster CharlesFinley that there is a specific guy that this girl has in mind that's why she wants to take things slow and make up her mind. Usually this situations happen if the first person is giving mixed signals and is playing hot & cold.
Since she told you about it, it means that you are just plan B. And because she is having sex with you she is just releasing some tension created by the other guy. So if the other guy is playing hard to get she is mirroring easier his behaviour by reducing her sexual frustration sleeping with you. If her sexual needs are satisfied then she can act more aloof with the other guy and she can play with a clearer mind a game with the other guy.
The more you"use her for sex" the less chances you have that she is ever going to be truly interested in you.Use other women for sex that would want to be used for sex and you want to use them for sex too. You have feelings for this one. It won't work.
If you continue sleeping with her she will only come to you 100% if the other guy fully rejects her. And if in the future the other guy wants her and wants to go back to her, she will leave you or start causing drama.
On the other hand, you have started developing feelings for this woman. If you continue playing this game you are going to have even more feelings about her even if you sleep around.
To have a chance to even get her to commit to you you need to friendzone her and start gaming other women. Not because it has something to do with the "pre-selection" but because in this way you are going to create more tension on her to take decisions.
If she has no outlet of the tension that the other guy is creating and you put tension too by sort of rejecting her ( the friendzone thing that I mentioned before) this triangle will break. She will become more needy with the other guy and the other guy will leave. So she will attach to you because she must have spent already more time than the other guy ( guys that ran hot & cold are usually absent so the woman falls in love with the idea/fantasy of being with the guy and not the actual guy).
In the meantime, while YOU friendzoned her do not stay there as a friend to listen to her problems. Just be fun and playful and demonstrate an interest in other women. You might as well ask her her opinion on someone else. Keep double standards though on this and never do the same for her.
Also limit the time that you are available to meet. Don't meet her every week. Make it more random. Also include other people when you two meet so there is no heart to heart conversations. These type of conversations will make you turn into a friend and not a guy that rejected her.

Another glorious psychological theory from Maria (honestly, Freud would be proud of ya).


The truth, however, is that preselection works, and not only works, I swear by it in my personal relationships. I've never chased a man who is single.

Why?
Several reasons.

1. If he is in an LTR, this is proof, although not strong, that he wants one. Every man out there will lie they want an LTR to get in my panties (broad generalisation, kill me), just to go on their merry way after the act. No, thanks. If men didn't lie (read as "if men weren't human), the picture would be different.
2. It's a good way to find out if he's a cheater, or he'd rather dump the woman he's with before pursuing another LTR.
3. If he has managed to get a girl and sustain a relationship, it means he has at least a basic level of qualities to search for in a mate.
4. It slightly increases the chances he's good in bed. Because men, as a whole, are terrible lovers (broad generalisation again, but you've already killed me for a lesser offense, ha). This is, after all, the gender that declared female orgasm does not exist, and branded female sexual desire as a disease (hysteria). In my opinion, if a man gets a rep for being a great lover, he won't need any PUA shit from now on. Women will flock to him and pay for his services. I definitely would. Good sex was, by far, the biggest and most serious reason for me to marry. You keep your aloofness, one liners and leadership to yourself, I want the nookie.

Whatever works for you doesn't work with all the people. As I said I am taking the theory with a grain of salt. For me it is revolting a man that is in a relationship and he is flirting with me.
I find it even revolting a man that is in an open relationship and tries to chat me up ( including the friendly flirting type. I always used to find it a put off. Same as my friends. So no, it doesn't always work.
It works for SOME girls. You belong in that group. That's why I don't completely reject the theory. I am skeptical about it.
WHy do you chase men? and why do you do things to other women that you wouldn't have liked if they were doing to you? That's bad karma you know..
There is something called "mistress". Usually men don't break their relationship to be with the mistress and if they do they usually leave the mistress for another mistress. Even if that won't happen there is always an underlying insecurity if the pattern happens again.
It is true that men want to get in women's panties. Not everyone leaves after the act. Men are human too and they have feelings. Maybe sex doesn't get them that emotionally attached to a woman and they can easier compartmentalise it better but they can love too and they can get hurt too.
It is also a good way to waste your time on someone that either he is a cheater or won't give you the time of the day. There are plenty of other ways to find out if a man is prone to cheating. This is not an efficient one. Not necessarily. How do you know that the relationship is not continuing because his partner is a very passive person that puts up with lots of things that she shouldn't? And let's say that his qualities are alright for that other woman, how are you sure that they are going to be alright for you?
Moreover, each person takes out a different side of our personality. You don't know how your match with this guy is going to be until you are with him in an LTR.
My definition of good sex and the definition of another woman of what good sex is can be two different things.

You not taking in consideration that there are women that don't care about good sex and there are also women that have stayed in sexless relationships for years.
Usually these women are of older age. Again the relationship with the other woman is not necessarily proof of his sexual chemistry with you.

And btw were did the "most men are not good in bed" came from? I almost never encountered problems in the sex department. There were of course the few exceptions that were not that great but the average man is alright. And yes there are the other exceptions that are amazing.

About the reputation thing... Reputations are made, can be broken and can be faked... I never trust them. One person cannot have perfect chemistry with everyone!

P.S. If you are so much after the "nookie" you might as well consider a professional with good recommendations.. Just saying..

Let's call the girl I'm talking about in this thread GIQ (Girl In Question).

What you write is almost getting too technical and complicated for me.

Also I'm getting the feeling that there is no other specific guy and she just wants to have options open to her.

I'm still trying to game other women. I haven't been so successful lately, but I did get the number of a girl whom GIQ actually knows... yeah I'm not sure how good friends they are. We will probably go for a drink soon. This could turn ugly but I think it has more potential to do good... althought I think asking GIQ for her opinion on the other girl might be going too far!

I ran into GIQ last night. She was acting very interested. I think the almost two weeks with barely any contact has been good. I think it's enough if I keep it to seeing her once a week and contact her only to set up dates (VERY VERY rarely send her a random text). If anything just for the fact that I'm actually starting to get a bit bored of her. I don't think my feelings for her are as strong as I made them out to be.

She was together with her friends when I met her last night. I tried to dance with her at one point, but she didn't want to. I went outside for some fresh air and she came out, told me that she hopes she didn't hurt my feelings but that she doesn't feel comfortable touching in public, especially around her friends. She said we are not a couple and she doesn't even like that when she is in a relationship. I played it cool and said I wasn't worried about it. We made out.

GIQ has a lot of friends and it seems like most of them are guys. She is a self-professed feminist, but says her stance is basically just that women should get the same level of respect and all the same rights as men. I think she is just turned off by the idea of being "owned" by someone, for lack of a better word, and feels uncomfortable projecting that image. I guess she likes the fact that I treat her with respect, am understanding and allow her to be free. Can't I just keep doing that? Can't I just act like a friend in general and then be romantic/sexy with her when we are alone (not exactly a friends with benefits thing because we do go out on dates and have a certain amount of feelings for one another). It's comfortable for me and for her. Why should I complicate matters?

I did start to get bored at one point last night and I knew I couldn't just hover around her so I walked around the place, bought a drink and started talking to random women while she socialized with her guy friends. Afterwards I did sleep at her place and fucked 3 times. Twas good. I would feel foolish if I friendzoned her and lost that.

I don't mean to discredit your advice and I do believe that it makes a lot of sense. But I also know that everyone is different and there is more than one way to go about this. I will just concentrate on not being needy (I am not feeling very needy) and otherwise do what feels natural to me. That's congruence and it should also be an attractive trait, no?

I would like to hear what you think about this.

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You were coming really strong about wanting a relationship so I assumed that this was what you wanted.
No there is nothing wrong with being FWB if you both agree.
Now you need to specify what you want if it is not a relationship. You will just have to game other girls and she will game other guys and you are both going to be happy.
What is it that you asking me to tell you?
Just accept that it is unlikely that it will lead into a proper relationship. Usually FWB finish because one person develops feelings and feels jealous. Be prepared about that. That's all..

Oh.. and good luck

Yeah I don't know what I want. I think things are good now. Spending more time with her might be too much.

Is it ok to casually ask her why her last relationship ended? I want to avoid any mistakes the last guy may have made, but I'm not sure if mentioning relationships is a good idea at all.

We're going on five weeks and I think we've met up five times.

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What would James Bond do?

The vast majority of women love nothing more than talking about relationships, sex, etc. I wouldn't be all serious about it, but yeah generally ask about the past relationship(s), how they went, how long, how they ended. They love talking about this kind of shit.

I never bother asking anyone about their past relationship.
You rarely get the whole truth. You usually get a story that is enriched with a few elements that make the story teller look better. And you won't be able to even know if it is true or not until time has passed and you know her better.
So it is pointless.
If you want to know what type of match you are with this girl you need to get to know her and be yourself. Forget about the ex.

Agreed, in the context of using the info she tells to your advantage somehow, but discussing these topics are a good way to build rapport. Don't lament too much about how the relationships ended though.