I could use some serious help- as I cant get out of my head to think clearly. Girl started showing interest a month ago and we messed around a bit (pretty much everything except sex) and I knew she liked me so I confronted her about it. She said she needed time to think- to see whether she liked me because I was around a lot or because she was actually into me. So naturally I stepped back and she kept showing signs of interest, more messing around and such so I confront a second time to clear things up. She says that she doesn’t know what she was doing to lead me on (Bulls***) and she doesn’t want it to go anywhere. The last time I saw her, we messed around and then she stopped the next few days- so after she said she didn’t want anything I started doing my own thing. I told her I met someone a while ago but I haven’t done anything with her because I felt something was going on between us- I know it bothered her but she tried to play it off and say she didn’t care and infact she wants me to tell her about the girls im meeting (once again, bulls***). The day before I left, she comes into my bed and tries to cuddle with me but I don’t let her and I haven’t contacted her since.

It seems like she wants me to want her but she doesn’t want me and that idea is pissing me off. I can’t ignore her because she is a family friend and we still see each other every couple weeks.

I also think there is another guy in the picture that she’s using for attention- I don’t think they have hooked up but it certainly seems like she is using the both of us (him for attention, me for messing around with?).who knows maybe they did hook up and she is playing us both.

I would like to get to know her better (I am physically attracted to her but thats not enough), but its hard to get to know someone better when it seems like they are using you/playing games. How would you guys go about this?

You're showing her your insecurities by confronting her about her feelings. She also knows that she is in control of the situation and can be free to decide between you and another guy.

Your first step in fixing this is start taking control of your emotions.

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From what you described the girl is just using you as a backup plan. There is no logical explanation for her to need time to find out if she wanted you. If you want someone you just want them. You don't need time to make up your mind. Your feelings are honest to you.
She obviously was waiting for a response from another guy. If he would had told her that he wanted her she would had told you that she didn't want you. Basically the other guy rejected her but she still kept hope. In other words she has feelings for the other guy. She feels guilty for leading you on and just in case the other guy changes his mind she doesn't give you any promises for the future. That's to make her feel alright with herself. So while you were messing around with her the other guy ( that must be running hot&cold with her) starte texting her. Her hopes got up and she started flirting again with the other guy. She cared to keep her back up but if you leave she is not in love with you that's why she didn't get jealous or afraid of losing you. She was asking about the girls you are meeting to make sure that she is still in control. If you fall in love for example with someone then she will either remove herself or play some kind of a mind game. If you don't develop any feelings for anyone else she will continue the game. Sex doesn't feel threatening to her. It is you developing feelings for someone else that matters. Yes. Well in that case you can use her for sex, stop hoping about her and continue doing what you are doing with the other women. Instead of getting pissed off see it for what it is.
You are getting pissed off because you have expectations from this girl. I was expecting that you were going to say that since the beginning of your post. She is not using the other guy for attention. The other guy is playing her and she is using you to help her be less emotional about him and more hard to get in his eyes. She is resisting to his hot&cold attitude by keeping you as a side. That's the wrong mindset. You need to stop wanting to know her better. You just need to go with the flow, see her as a casual thing and focus on flirting other women. If things fail with the other guy and she works to get your attention then you can hope that something can happen between you. At the moment the distance is in your favour ( especially if you use it in the right way).
Also something else you need to understand... it shouldn't mean anything to you that she is a person that knows your family. If it meant something for her she wouldn't had been playing those mind games. She is using it to stay in the game...

You need to realise that this attitude is not of a woman that is interested. A woman that is interested wants to hear from you as much as she can. She might take time to see her friends and do her activities but she wants you around. She is not playing mind games or flirts with other guys. She knows that she wants you and only and she wants to be with you.
This girl is not showing that type of interest.

wow thank you for dissecting that! does the fact that she went behind her best friend's back to mess around with me change anything? supposedly her friend (who I used to hook up with) told her not to do anything with me and then 2 days later she starts messing around with me.- says she feels guilty so she wants to stop but yet still keeps doing it on and off.


it certainly does seem like she is using me but at the same time she has never had a bf (not sure if that matters). I know I need to get in control of my emotions but right now I kind of feel powerless and feel the need to get the "upper hand". I'm not going to go out of my way to contact her but what do I do if she contacts me? and how do I get the upper hand/value back in my hands?

I'll PM you that

Why PM him? Everyone should be able to learn.

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OP seems to be confusing lust with affection. Just because the girl messes around with you doesn't mean she "likes" you as a person. You are the clingy/needy one in the relationship, already acting like you guys are official when she clearly isn't interested in dating you.

i dont think its about being clingy or needy. its a safe thing to wonder when the girl wants to do bf/gf-like things (cuddling in bed, watching movies, etc.). if it came off as purely "messing around" then yeah i wouldnt pay attention to it. but once it starts crossing that line (my line being the things i just mentioned) then I need to pick a direction, cant stay in her limbo of not just friends but not bf/gf IMO.

You aren't listening to what anyone is telling you. I have cuddled in bed and watched movies with my female cousin. This does not mean that I am in love with her. Please realign your head with reality!

Seriously, read some PUA material before asking questions. Not being mean, just being honest.

This girl wants to fool around, she doesn't want you as a boyfriend. Quit confronting her about it, man up, and keep fooling around with her. She's asking you about other girls because she knows if your serious about meeting other girls, then maybe you won't keep doing this bullshit "confrontation" stuff.

This is the easiest thing on earth to understand if you get out of your own head. She keeps wanting to come by and suck your dick and you eat her out, but she balks when you mention anything about a relationship. You can't understand that this means that she wants to fool around with no relationship?

And if you don't want to fool around without a relationship, then drop her.

Watching movies and cuddling isn't BF/GF shit. If she wants you to take her out on dates, meet her family, changing up your schedule just to be with her, then that's different. But if she wants to every once in a while, hang out, fool around, maybe watch a movie after, THAT'S NOT BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND!

Seriously, you are so far in your own head it's scary.

This is the essence of the game. She is playing a game with you, and you are trying to play it yourself, but failing.

To her, you are a convenient toy--a time filler, a single-serving emotional energy boost. She probably plays other guys the way she plays you, which is why she is good at it. You can always tell when a guy is failing at the game when he starts asking questions like this. "Why is she acting like this?" "How can I get her to like me?"

It sounds like you started to act alpha, which got her interested, but then you just caved in and went AFC which is why she lost interest. You need to maintain the alpha persona and act like you don't give a shit and start playing games with her instead of getting caught up in the ones she's playing with you.

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“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

appreciate the tough love. i know I am really far into my head- oneitis throwing me off. I realized when I didn't give a f*** is when this all started. I feel in deep after that- AFC shit i know. I think I did a good job towards the end of the last time I saw her.. in terms of walking away and stopping investment into her and I havent spoken to her since (maybe about a week now). I don't plan on initiating anything either. I was confident, non-outcome dependent before everything happened and I want to get back to that and take control of my emotions and I think the best way is for me to create distance.

I know I'm going to get flamed for asking this: is it possible to recover from this by freezing her out? or should I just cut my losses