So I posted on here recently about my relationship with my girlfriend. Long story made really short, together for four years cheated on her about six months ago, got her back by being an AFC and pretty much doing all the typical AFC things like buying her flowers, telling her I love her, apologizing etc. It was nessesary. I fucked up. Point being I got her back. We've been dating for a month or two now. Things have seemed pretty good actually, even looking at rings. But I've been having to pretty much tell her to invest more and be more involved in the relationship. Before I cheated she always put me first. Treated me like a king. Now she treats me like I'm on the back burner. She tells me she's just scared. I now realize that no ammount of my complaining about her lack of investment will change the way she acts, in fact will do the opposite. But it may be too late.

She is being very distant to me now, extremely in fact. I'm not sure what to do about rebuilding her attraction to me.

Obviously... I need to be that confident guy she fell in love with, but it's hard when I've worked so hard to get her back... To just turn the switch off and be that alpha male again.

We have recently been forced into a long distant relationship, 8 hrs away, because of my service in the military. We see eachother but not too often.
Since she is being distant, should I react by giving her space?

*sub note.. when we broke up and I cheated on her, her friend got her addicted to oxycodone, blues, snorting them. This distance behavior started about three days ago, when she was getting off her drugs. She is withdrawling from them. She is very depressed, has bad anxiety and is also very irritated at life easily. She claims this is why she is acting that way. She told me "I warned you this was going to be like this, that's why I gave you a warning babe". But can't help but think it's something more.

What should I do in this situation?

You messed up by cheating. Now you're paying for it. Here's my problem...you're paying for it with your happiness. If you didn't cheat on her, would you deal with her acting like this? Probably not. You guys both want to be happy, but you're not. So if your guilt is keeping you in it, you're being stupid. If you're doing it for love and the love you're getting in return is lacking, you're being stupid.

Eventually your unhappiness is going to make her unhappy and she'll leave you.

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Thank you. Great words, never looked at it that way. So, how do I go about changing this around? Because youre absolutely right. If I keep this up and am unhappy it will just make her leave

I'm not in your shoes, so I can't tell you what to do. What I would do may be too harsh for you because it sounds like you want to salvage things. I'd get out of the relationship.

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She will never be able to trust you again, or see you the same way.

I really think the relationship is over. Even if you guys manage to stay together, you won't have the same happiness as before. She is no longer capable of treating you like a king, because she discovered that you aren't one.

If I were in your shoes I would leave. I think trying to get her back was a bad idea in the first place.

^ Above is not entirely accurate, it will be tough but not impossible. My good friend just got married to a woman he cheated on multiple times...and I mean Multiple! She finally had enough and broke it off....he dated around realized what he had in her and won her back. Now they are married and at least by the looks....completely happy. Sorry no real advice, but hope it helps non the less.

Here's the problem with what you're saying. You're on the outside looking in. When it comes to relationships, some people can put on the biggest acts in front of their family and friends and when they split up they can't believe that the couple was actually having problems.

It may not be impossible, but it is highly unlikely.

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^ This is true. The friend who is now married had alot going for him to get girl in question back. He was in super good with the family, even after cheating came to light. Mom, brother, and two sisters loved him. He was also in her circle of friends so continually saw each other. Will OP's girl get over it? It's possible but from the sounds of the OP's post he is the one having a hard time dealing with the indiscretion.

If it was me (and I'm no pro at this) I would write her a letter. Tell her how you feel about everything, get it all out and that'll hopefully make her realise how committed you are - also it's something she can hold onto and re-read a few times when shes in the mood for it.

CEED

This is complicated. But I think I can help.

Firstly you need to assess the situation a little bit better. Is she losing attraction for you? Is she afraid to love you more because you cheated on her. Is it both and she's just confused. Is she withdrawing from drugs which would also explain everything and has nothing to do with attraction, love or you?

My assessment from what u've said and experience. Is that shes going through a terrible phase. You cheated, she got into drugs, now she's withdrawing, and on top of it all, she doesn't feel safe with you.

There's literally nothing to be happy about from her perspective.

So what you're going to have to do, is this:

For Her
1) give her space: she doesn't trust you, and she shouldn't. You can't force it and make it seem like you will be there for her, because u weren't.

2) give her time: it heals wounds. It only works to your advantage in this case.

3) be there for her. Be supportive. Be caring. Be kind. If you love her and want to be with her.

4) seriously go take a look at her drug withdrawals/drug problem.

So tajes probably scared, sad, and hurt. Help her. It's probably not much to do with her attraction for you.

But it might be in the future. Why? Because if she gets used to ignoring you, putting you on the back burner, having you crawl all over the place. It's very likely she will rationalize to herself that she doesn't even like you anymore, eventually.

What's worse, is that she might still be angry at you, but still feel attached. She might actually not want you, but feel too emotionally attached. By hanging around whiles she gets through her difficult time, you may actually just be easing into a situation when she finally feels better, and then ditches u (for the son of a bitch that you are). Essentially you would have just made the transition from being attached to you to breaking up with u a whole lot easier for her.

It's common for women to resent a man who cheated, but clings on to him because she's attached. And the one who leaves first always gets the benefit of not feeling that sense of loss. You cheated, she felt that loss, now she won't forgive you, but wants you in her life. She may get stronger emotionally, and one day ditch you first. Especially if she's been treating you like a dog for the months leading up to that break up.

You need to pre empt this.

IFor You
1) ask yourself if you really love her and want to be with her

2) continue to be confident, charming,
Cool and emotionally strong

3) change, and show her you've changed.

4) the balance between points 3 & 4
There's a difference between being a good person, and being a confident alpha male. And these two aren't mutually exclusive. You need to be both. She will never accept you if you are an alpha male that is slimey. note that she will be hyper vigilant with regards to how good or bad a person you prove to be from now onwards. And she will lose attraction, if you are a good guy, but a push over.

This is the key to making this work. Maintaining attraction, but dealing with the problem from
Her perspective (u cheated)

5) stop cheating. It's ruining your life. Stay single and fuck around, or get in a relationship and don't.


Good luck mate,
Colin.

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