My gf of a year and I have just hit a big roadblock. I love this girl and wouldnt want to end it with her, however there is a big lack of respect on her end for me which culminated in a big fight last night. She got wasted at a party last night, forgot that we had plans later, called me 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet and then started acting up on the phone. Needless to say, I got worried after, tried calling her twice and she didnt pick up. In the morning she called and realized she fucked up big time. Im hurt and upset by the circumstances, given that ive never done a similar thing to her. Shes really apologetic, and doesnt want to lose me but Im not okay with this kind of behaviour, think before you act!! What should i do now? I think the best thing is to just cut off contact for a few days and give her the cold shoulder, while i cool down a bit. Let me know what you guys think, i need to regain respect in this relationship fast!

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Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today - JD

i would tell her not to do it again but thats kinda creepy
give it a day max and then call around to her place,make something to eat and talk it out,she knows what she did was wrong but each party should deserve respect!
but dont go harsh on her because she forgot about your plans that night,everyone makes mistakes and its in our nature to want to relax somehow,whether it wanting to party or just avoid someone

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"Life is a chance,take all the ones you get".

Do you not feel the apology was authentic? If she's owned up to it, you need to accept that and let it go.Respect is a two way street. And yes, it comes with setting boundaries with people. She may have unwittingly crossed a boundary of yours.

Anger is a tricky emotion, it's a secondary emotion which masks a primary one. What I mean by this is that there is always a deeper (or what we refer to in therapy a 'core' emotion) underlying anger. Often times it's sadness, feelings of isolation, loneliness, rejection, etc. People who remain in anger are imprisoned, and always act egoicially. Anger can also create the illusion of empowerment ("I'll stay angry at you as a means to control and will only accept you once you've grovelled at my feet enough"). Any which way you cut it staying with anger is toxic, to both of you.

You want to cut her off? That's a passive-aggressive display of anger.

Rather, figure out WHY you're angry, and deal with that. This may have nothing to do with her; it may in fact be a belief you hold that needs evaluating (if its not serving you, change the belief). If things are still bothering you, once things have cooled have a conversation with her about whatever the issue was and together come to a solution to minimize the chances of it happening again. Rather than using shaming, or guilt tripping as tactics to get what you want, which will only end up ruining the relationship.

I would calm down for a few days and not speak to her until you're clear in your mind. No side should make the mistake to say things they don't really want to say. You can never take back your words.

When you're calm, go to the beach or something with her. A walk and a breeze will make your minds clear and is also romantic. She made the mistake, so she is the one that should apologize and say that it will never happen again. But do tell her that this is a sign of disrespect on her end, and that if this is the way it goes, it is better to end the relationship right now and go separate ways.

2 things can happen:

1) She will be shocked by the chance of an end to the relationship, and she realizes that is not what she wants, and you accept her apology

2) She is unfazed and/or wants a time-out, which basically means you're better of without her.

A HB10+ without respect for you is as good as a HB2 in your life

I am quite intolerant with people, and I am sometimes perceived as if I have empathy disorder (but I don't, I'm just fed up with how people behave), so I would be hard against her. I would say "I don't accept that kind of shit, get the h*** out of my sight!", and forget about her, moving on with my life. That's how you make her come crawling on her knees, chasing you and your approval. Then you may, or may not, forgive her. It's up to you. On one hand that may seem too hard, but on the other that is how to draw the line and how to earn respect (since you have to earn it). Know your boundaries, and be very clear with what you accept from people.

I love the way you answered your own question lol.. Thats exactly what you need to do. A girl can't just fuck up and then walk back into your life like nothing happened just moments later. Because if so; whats stopping her from repeating the same behavior? Why wouldn't she do it again, when she could call you a day later and everything could just be fine.

Now this is something I've understood with the cold shoulder that you have to be prepared for. And trust me here please. You're going to have to wait one day longer than you want to. Its the only way she's going to respect you. Lets say you cool off in 2 days and feel like " I can talk to her now, i'm not even mad anymore".. Wait a 3rd day. That initial rush of " I'm not mad anymore" is weakness. It'll turn her off. Use your strength and hold on for one day longer than you want to.

Trust me on that. Everything else you're fine. But please follow the rule I laid out above. It never fails.

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Good luck marrying Sleeping Beauty, who never does anything even remotely off-putting.

Stuff happens. And it happens more often when you're putting some distance between yourself and the girl. It's fine to establish that this is not cool with you(if it's not somehow already clear). However, you're acting like this is catastrophic moment, and it seems fairly mild to me. She was drinking and forgot she had plans with you. That's not really a huge deal in a year long relationship. This reminds me a lot of the type of blowing things out of proportion, drama gardening that girls usually do.

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RSDTyler

So in other words, rub her nose in it...

This isn't dog training (although I know a lot of you guys have been convinced it is). Punishment is a manipulative tactic one uses on a child to get what they want, if you want to build a relationship on someone with this in mind, then by all means operate out of this frame.

All this tactic will do is stoke negative sentiment, and fear which is exploiting one's insecurities. This is why guys who rely on PUA tactics end up losing the girl in the end. Not trying to sound like a cocky bastard but in all probability I've had more LTRs than most guys on this site, and when i was younger and less experienced I believed such exploitative tactics worked; in short, they don't and only foster adversarial relationships. You can't force somebody, or goad somebody into respecting you, that's not respect, it's simply hitting on their fear buttons and isn't conducive to anything healthy.

I always try to come out of a place of authenticity, if to you that's weak, then that's the lie society told you. Authenticity means declaring one's intentions to one's self and to the world around you. So somebody did something that was disrespectful towards me (MY interpretation, after all disrespect isn't something somebody else does). I tell them how their behavior has influenced me, and offer them to give ME the 'gift' of helping meet that need which wasn't met.

I would definitely argue that you've been in more long term relationships than I have. But I'm not sure quantity is a issue as much as quality is.

Not to mention; you've just admittedly gotten out of a socially, mentally and emotionally destructive relationship; so I'm not sure what makes you think you even qualify to have an opinion on this matter. How did the advice above help you in your last relationship?

It isn't dog training; its simply that consequences follow disrespectful actions. You're late to work, you no show no call at work.. what happens? You get fired. Name one aspect of life other than this hollywood romantic idea of what "love" is that consequences don't follow wrong actions? Cut it out noid. We usually agree. And when we reference your most recent experience in a relationship; I would think that this is one matter that you would want to push what you think you know back into your subconscious and listen to someone who's been there, done it and is still doing it in his current relationship.

I'm speaking from a position of someone who understands emotions. A person who undersands that the initial " i'll talk to her now" feeling is just an emotional backlash that has resulted from the anger he had previously. Thats not his AUTHENTIC self speaking. Its more emotion; just as the ANGER that made him want to break up with her was an emotion. We need both of those emotions to subside before he can make a decision. We don't make a choice at the first sign that anger has dissipated. Because there is still an emotion lingering that remains. Thats an emotional whiplash that is often swept under the rug. An emotion that will cause a further loss of respect if its immediately acted on. And thats where many of the "pua" and other forum members get it wrong.

But this is a forum, so if you must.. Feel free to carry on.

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Theres lots of good points here, so i feel i need to add a few details to the story.... The party she went to was of a friend she hadnt seen in a while. Usually we would go to these things together, however this time there was potentially going to be a few exes at the party, and she just wanted to have a good time and avoid drama (the last time this happened i got pretty upset at fact there was one of her exes at a party, lack of control and maturity on my part) so in a way i got it, but i told her i would have at least liked to be given the option to go. I also said, that its cool that she goes and i trust her, but i would be bothered if she drank that night. She said she wouldnt drink and wouldnt go if it would cause problems, which was said in a way wherein if i said 'dont go' it would be on me and she would harbour resent. Anyways I said it would be fine, and so off she went, wine bottle in hand. Even though the turnout to this party wasnt all that bad and she says she wishes i wouldve come, when she called me 5 minutes before we were going to meet up, i wasnt mad i had just said "look this hasnt been the the easiest night, ive had trouble dealing with my emotions and this has been a huge pill for me to swallow. I want you to have fun tonight at your other friends going away party (that was what we were going to), because i dont think i'd be having too much fun. I'd ruin your night, im not mad at you at all this is something i have to deal with'. Then she started freaking out in a drunken stupor and crying getting mad at me, saying well i could have called her, and how she feels disrespected. She even added how she was having a great time, and they were playing beer pong. Talking to her that night felt like she was trying to be malicious. Afterwards I called her twice to make sure she was okay, and got no response.

This morning she called, and i was livid on the phone, i told her i would never do anything like that to her, that what she did really hurt me and that now i need space, all the while she was apologizing and saying that in the moment she felt justified in doing it. Turns out that after we got off the phone, she went to her other friends party, partied and then passed out on her couch, didnt come home until 7 in the morning. She said she saw my call but couldnt deal with it. Thats what hurt, is that she decided to ignore me for some party when i was genuinely worried for her. Theres a little bit of context into the situation, sorry for the long post

_________________
Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today - JD

Sounds like you're dating a girl who is not relationship material.

She is human and made a mistake like every other human on the planet has done from time to time. Big deal. If this were a pattern, then yes maybe it would be disrespectful but from what it sounds like this is a first-time thing. These kinds of things happen sometimes in a relationship. No need to get bent out of whack over it or to make her "pay" or hold it over her in some way. Accept her apology and move on. Once you're in a LTR, most of the rules of "game" simply do not apply.

I'm going to read this once again, and let it germinate before I respond, as it is a loaded topic but one worthy of discussing for the benefit of the members of this forum.

I love the way you answered your own question lol.. Thats exactly what you need to do. A girl can't just fuck up and then walk back into your life like nothing happened just moments later. Because if so; whats stopping her from repeating the same behavior? Why wouldn't she do it again, when she could call you a day later and everything could just be fine.

Now this is something I've understood with the cold shoulder that you have to be prepared for. And trust me here please. You're going to have to wait one day longer than you want to. Its the only way she's going to respect you. Lets say you cool off in 2 days and feel like " I can talk to her now, i'm not even mad anymore".. Wait a 3rd day. That initial rush of " I'm not mad anymore" is weakness. It'll turn her off. Use your strength and hold on for one day longer than you want to.

Trust me on that. Everything else you're fine. But please follow the rule I laid out above. It never fails.[/quote]

So in other words, rub her nose in it...

This isn't dog training (although I know a lot of you guys have been convinced it is). Punishment is a manipulative tactic one uses on a child to get what they want, if you want to build a relationship on someone with this in mind, then by all means operate out of this frame.

All this tactic will do is stoke negative sentiment, and fear which is exploiting one's insecurities. This is why guys who rely on PUA tactics end up losing the girl in the end. Not trying to sound like a cocky bastard but in all probability I've had more LTRs than most guys on this site, and when i was younger and less experienced I believed such exploitative tactics worked; in short, they don't and only foster adversarial relationships. You can't force somebody, or goad somebody into respecting you, that's not respect, it's simply hitting on their fear buttons and isn't conducive to anything healthy.

I always try to come out of a place of authenticity, if to you that's weak, then that's the lie society told you. Authenticity means declaring one's intentions to one's self and to the world around you. So somebody did something that was disrespectful towards me (MY interpretation, after all disrespect isn't something somebody else does). I tell them how their behavior has influenced me, and offer them to give ME the 'gift' of helping meet that need which wasn't met.[/quote]

I would definitely argue that you've been in more long term relationships than I have. But I'm not sure quantity is a issue as much as quality is.

Not to mention; you've just admittedly gotten out of a socially, mentally and emotionally destructive relationship; so I'm not sure what makes you think you even qualify to have an opinion on this matter. How did the advice above help you in your last relationship?

I made it no secret that it was an immensely destructive relationship, for sure. I'd argued then it makes me even more qualified to answer on this particular topic as I've weathered quite an intense storm, came through with some battle wounds, but managed to rebuild myself (which is an on-going process) and rise from the ashes anew, and healthier person. The advice I suggested above is counter to what I had begun to do several months into my relationship with a very dysfunctional person; I became unhealthy as a result, which was due to my stubbornness to 'fix' this person. I am in the field of mental health, and knowing better (the ideology that you can't fix anybody, but rather help guide them to their own solutions fell by the wayside as this was somebody I was emotionally entangled with). So, my advice on coming from an authentic place sticks, but if you're with somebody who is severely emotionally damaged, nothing will work short of leaving the person to their own device (hopefully at some point they'll get the help they need, and you won't go down with the ship).

It isn't dog training; its simply that consequences follow disrespectful actions. You're late to work, you no show no call at work.. what happens? You get fired. Name one aspect of life other than this hollywood romantic idea of what "love" is that consequences don't follow wrong actions? Cut it out noid. We usually agree. And when we reference your most recent experience in a relationship; I would think that this is one matter that you would want to push what you think you know back into your subconscious and listen to someone who's been there, done it and is still doing it in his current relationship.

Nobody is saying there should be no consequences, rather I am saying that using shame as a tactic (e.g. rubbing somebody's nose in something well after they've owned up to a behavior) is only subjugating the one you supposedly love - how is that congruent with maintaining a healthy relationship? If anything I highly conscious and it serves me well as a psychotherapist. I know what it's like to have a connection TO myself, I've done the work, I'm honest with myself both my limitations and my capabilities so opening notions of what's in my subconscious and what's not is moot.

I'm speaking from a position of someone who understands emotions. A person who undersands that the initial " i'll talk to her now" feeling is just an emotional backlash that has resulted from the anger he had previously. Thats not his AUTHENTIC self speaking. Its more emotion; just as the ANGER that made him want to break up with her was an emotion.

This sounds more like a projection. Who really, but himself, is to say that his wanting to contact her is out of ernest and not this so-called "emotional backlash" you speak of. That may well indeed be your process, but that doesn't mean everybody else shares the same process as you. Just like grieving may look similar from person to person, but there will be variations in the process of grieving which may make it uniquely distinct.

ANGER may him want to break up with her? Anger, again, is a secondary emotion. Meaning it masks a more core emotion such as pain, sadness, isolation, FEELINGS of rejection, etc... Anger in and of itself only tells the person that something's wrong (it's a reaction to an interpretation of something that's happened). Furthermore, AUTHENTICITY is taking ownership of one's feelings, NOT blaming another person for MAKING one feel a certain way. NOBODY can make you feel a certain way and till we take responsibility for our own feeling states, we'll only be victims to the world around us and hold everybody else culpable for our moods.

We need both of those emotions to subside before he can make a decision. We don't make a choice at the first sign that anger has dissipated. Because there is still an emotion lingering that remains. Thats an emotional whiplash that is often swept under the rug. An emotion that will cause a further loss of respect if its immediately acted on. And thats where many of the "pua" and other forum members get it wrong.

Both of those emotions to subside? Yet NOT talking to her is going to help address this? Sounds like a paradox. So, basically, by not dealing with things for a few days the anger will subside...this smacks in the face of psychology. Anger if left unchecked fuels itself, it's caustic, it gains momentum when the underlying emotions are NOT dealt with. So by not engaging in a dialogue with her sooner, rather than waiting a few days simply to demonstrate to her the severity of what she did, his emotions will somehow subside? That to me is unconscious thinking, and very ego driven

But this is a forum, so if you must.. Feel free to carry on.[/quote]

Fews, I think you have a need for clarification. I'm not stating consequences aren't necessary. I, however, am not condoning a freeze-out period when 1) the person has offered an apology (assuming its genuine), and 2) he/she is willing to talk in which case it's a perfect opportunity to address what's happened. I'm not a believer in prolonging punishment to make a point, that to me reeks of insecurity and only serves to escalate feelings of anxiety in the relationship. This long-term never works, it undermines the needs for security/safety and trust in the relationship. It's opportunistic and only perpetuates unconscious patterns of behavior, THIS is why I am in strong opposition to your advice to going cold on his partner for a few days.

This isn't some fly-by-night relationship (presumably), nor somebody he's trying to earn a fast lay from. He has to deal with the potential fall-out to this (you, or I don't until we choose to refresh the browser window and see the updates to this situation), when instead he can use it as an opportunity to foster growth for the relationship.