Long story short, I got really drunk and had a massive rage at the girl I'm currently seeing, said some extremely harsh shit and she suddenly went extremely cold, upset and distant the next day and the following morning which is the first time she's ever been distant like this. Skip the background section if your in a rush, sorry for the long message, need the advice badly.


Background info: She is extremely shy, im extremely extroverted. She has social anxiety, tends to require alot of "alone time" and can sometimes get a little down. I love socialising and am very passionate in comparison to her so we are extremely different people but have an amazing time together and she's definitely one of the nicest girls ive dated (Great sex several times or several bj's everytime we meet especially in the car, places my needs before hers, really affectionate and supportive while I had alot of issues with business as im an entrepreneur).
Im also the first guy she's seen or slept with in over a year since her ex cheated on her (she's 21), I've met her family and a few friends (they really like me) but I haven't and am not ready to introduce her to my family due to my family dynamic. She is extremely passive and insecure so I have told her a few times that she has to put more "effort" in by being more assertive or I'm not gonna stick around as I was finding it to be alot of effort on my end. She started going over the top to prove to me that she really wanted this which I think I may have taken for granted.

I was initially casually dating her as I was seeing other girls too but we both gained strong feelings, decided to date exclusively but not officially in a LTR. She asked for a LTR a few weeks ago and I said I wasnt ready for one as of yet but I liked her and now I finally decided I wanted a LTR. She lives at home with her parents, I live at home with mine and she was house sitting for a week from last wednesday. I decided to let her know that I was ready for a LTR at some point while I was spending the week with her.

She's house sitting for a week and invited me to stay with her for the week and by bad luck, she got her period this week. PMS'ing + her period + my severe issues with business + final year university exams + suddenly living together for a few days = alot of small petty arguments over the last week or 2. We literally didnt have a single argument for the 4 months we been dating till about 10 days ago.


The issue: Saturday night she came out with her siblings to a nightclub to meet me coz I was out with my mates, I was flirting with this HB8 who wanted me to take her home but I rejected her to go meet this girl. In my drunk state though I completely lost my temper for the first time over some small petty things with the girl im seeing.

I said shit like "I just rejected a girl to come and see you to have fun, not for u to be boring as hell" "I dont even know why i bother see'ing you sometimes, I am so sick of some of the shit you do" "Im so over how much effort it is to actually have a good time with you". It's actually due to the fact that she is so passive, it sometimes gets exhausting to have fun with her when we're in social situations as I have to put in extra effort to keep it upbeat as the girl can sometime be abit quiet. 1 on 1 its amazing, when we're out with my friends or in extremely crowded places she starts to get very quiet. I know that I could simply go find another girl that is more extroverted but it's been a long time since I felt ready for a LTR so I wanna try and make this work. Normally it isn't that big an issue with anything but due to the fact that I had alot of other stress going on and how heavily intoxicated i got, I got damn irrational and was simply venting it all on her for no god damn reason.

Girl was great even when I was being an asshole by simply trying to calm me down by saying "I think you drank too much and ur overreacting so why dont we go home, have great sex, have a good sleep and talk tomorrow when your sober" and even then, I was so drunk I stupidly continued the argument and fell asleep once we got home. I said alot more things that generally were just extremely harsh especially for someone so insecure.

I woke the next morning and went extremely beta by apologizing profusely and being extremely nice as in all honesty, I was being extremely irrational the night b4 and I felt like a complete idiot. I couldnt remember most of what I said (I have not been this drunk in years) and so I tryed talking about it to her to firstly understand what I said and it turns out, according to her, I have been getting abit nagging and complaining about the little things she does that get on my nerve which I didnt realise I was doing (I thought I was simply maintaining my boundaries but musta done it in an AFC way). She pinpointed that it started 2-3 weeks ago where I had a fall out with my 2 best friends which lead to the 2 businesses I was running with each of em to fail concurrently which was also the same time that my exams started. That last night was a combination of everything and her exact words were "It feels like recently, my attraction for you has dropped slightly and I need space for a day or 2 to clear my mind of my own problems coz my own issues have been making me down and I think i'm taking it out on you while your doing the same to me". She wanted me to stay the night and we agreed to take a day or 2 away from each other the following days.

Anyway, all day yesterday, for the first time, she blatantly didn't wanna talk at all or have any form of physical contact. The day started with her being a little quiet and less affectionate and by the evening, she didn't want to speak a single word or have any form of physical contact and started being very bitchy. As I was hungover and felt bad for the night before, I tried to be affectionate and to stay upbeat and pick up her mood but the more I tried, the more she pulled away. I decided that if she was gonna stay like that I was gonna leave but I felt extremely guilty for the night before so I stayed. For the first time we went to bed with no physical contact, sleeping on each side of the bed with no affection coz she would pull away if I tryed to be affectionate or anything of the sort and blatantly said not to touch her. In all honesty, I know for a fact that I behaved god damn AFC and I should have left as soon as she was behaving like this. I just thought to myself, fuck it, and went to sleep. Again, I felt bad coz I know for a fact she was crying quietly as she went to sleep and said that she has alot of other stuff going on apart from everything with me the night before but I didnt know what to do. I continued being AFC throughout that day by apologising and talking to her about how "she felt" which essentially just led to her having a go at me coz she was hurt from the night before.

This morning she dropped me off home before heading to class, she woke up extremely late so was in a rush. I expected her mood to pick up in the morning but instead, she stayed extremely moody and bitchy and was extremely rude. I stayed non-reactive and distanced myself for the morning as I realised it was pointless to keep rewarding bad behavior just coz I felt guilty. When I went to get out of the car, she gave me a hug and said "I'm sorry that I'm being such a bitch". I stayed un-responsive and simply said "Have a good day, when your gonna be nice again, contact me", gave her a small kiss and left.



What do I do?
I know I could end it and find another girl for sex but it takes alot for me to actually want to be in a LTR so I wanna try and make this work. I realise I took the girl for granted when I think back on it for example, last weekend she drove down 40 minutes to see me for an hour after my final exam incase I did badly on it then spent 2 hours in her car studying while waiting for me as I had a family dinner so she could spend more time with me as I was gonna be busy for the next few days. I ended up getting into a petty argument that night after she was being so nice as I hadnt slept the night before due to exams.

Do I go no contact, distance myself, be extremely sweet? I know that a) I took this girl for granted, b) I completely lost control of my own emotions recently and c) Been acting like a little bitch due to my own stress which I now realise and have made a conscious effort to stop as of this moment. One issue is that I was initially supposed to stay at the house with her tonight and tomorrow night so do I wait till she contacts me or go there?

The reason i'm asking is due to the fact that it seems like this girls issue is not that I am being too caring or needy but that I've convinced her that I don't care or dont think she's good enough (she mentioned that I behave as if I am of extremely high value and I'm making her feel that she isnt up the standard). She is extremely passive/insecure, views herself as being very low value and has trust issues due to her past relationships and I'm used to dating girls who had high self-value so I think I may have emphasised the little things she did that I didnt like way too much. (I did it to other girls who were high value and it worked fine).

My bad for the long message and I know I acted AFC over the weekend, I just need to know where to go from here. I know that if I can get her back to the state she was in prior to the argument saturday night, I can spark up the attraction again as I know I was taking it for granted but never having experienced a girl this shy/insecure pull away to this extent this suddenly, im lost for what to do. This is also the first time since we started dating that she has been blatantly rude. I feel extremely guilty for my behaviour as this girl was legitimately a very sweet girl so I need advice. Thank you so much for the help everyone.

Must have been drunk when you typed this ridiculously crappy dissertation.

Was sober.. What's wrong with it? Too long?

If it was my girl, I'd give her a bit of space to process through things. I'd suss things out over the coming days, but would not continue with the apologies. I'd also send her a really nice bouquet of flowers, nothing wrong w being sweet, just don't continue with all the apologies.

Not to belabour the issue too much, you were pretty harsh towards her and right now she's not getting any understanding from you. In fact all I'm seeing is you playing power games with her so as not to look "AFC" - so really you've made this all about you and her needing to get over it rather than truly owning up to things like a man, and I'm sure she sees right through this charade.

Women like this need tenderness and understanding, not being goaded into 'forgiving'. And yea, women generally can deal with tension much better than men, but like all of us they are human too and it sounds as though you were far from understanding to her needs.

FYI there's NOTHING AFC about being humble and apologizing. Actually being vulnerable takes far more guts than anything else.

Thanks man. I'm happy to take full responsibility, I realise I fucked up. I have no issue apologising at all coz I realise it was my fault and I apologised several times yesterday but it didn't seem like she believed it. I meant I thought it was AFC to continue apologising when she doesmt wanna talk.

Your right about being afraid to be 'AFC'. Coz of issues with my ex, I've got a slight fear of being too nice so I end up covering it up by being too much of an asshole sometimes and I realise I need to work on that.

I haven't heard from her today since I said that this morning so should I call her later tonight just to see how she's doing? (We normally communicate daily)
I do feel bad and I do take full responsibility but I don't know how to communicate that to her coz I don't think she believes me when I say it.

So should I call her for a min, be nice to see how she is then give her space or wait till she contacts me?

Call her but only if it's coming out of the right energy. What I mean by that is that you genuinely want to give her a gift...a gift meaning Ur taking ownership of the situation and expect nothing in return.

That's what a true gift is. Got it? If it comes out of any other energy it won't work. So if u feel you can't do that now and Ur ego is still too involved you can send her a brief text or nothing at all in the mean time.

She's being smart about this because she doesn't want to get hurt again by your insenserity.
Emotional states aren't like light switches you can't just say sorry and expect a person to I existent come to.

"You know what after some deeper reflection I realize how my hurtful words affected you...it must have felt profoundly insensitive, and rejecting to have heard me talk in such a way.."


You need to work on your empathy skills, think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed. That's how you relate to ppl; put yourself in their shoes for a moment and you ll find a bunch of ways to describe how they likely feel. Don't worry if u don't get it right all the time; when someone sees Ur making the effort they feel cared for and valued.

My last breakup ended extremely badly and in all honesty, I was too nice in the previous one towards the end so I felt like if I were to go down the same path and be too nice I would lose this girl. I read too many things on here about how to react when a girl says she wants space or is acting distant and thats why I'm so confused coz I'm stopping myself from being nice when I know I should be.

Its not so much that my ego is stopping me from taking responsibility and apologizing but that I've convinced myself that being vulnerable and sweet to her is what will make her leave. I realise its an issue that I have to deal with.

Im gonna give her a quick phone call and ill update on here how it goes.

That was then this is now. Stop living that narrative of the past it holds you back.

Thanks man, just called her up and said what you said and was just being really sweet in general. She's house sitting n I was meant to be there tonight so I simply said that I wasnt gonna come and i'd respect her need for space but she wanted me to come over so I am heading there now.

If she continues being extremely cold and distant (didnt seem it on the phone) when I get there, what do I do? Do I stay, leave, be un-responsive?

So I'm here and she's still being quite distant. Holding a conversation but still being very rude and unphased if I'm here or not. I'm fine to just be passive and play along but it doesn seem appropriate considering I offered to give her space and came only coz I was invited.

I understand that she's still upset, I'm just wondering if I should remain unphased, keep trying to cheer her up or stop trying and to just be here passively.

Being this nice is hard sometimes..

Sometimes doing nothing is the best response. If it's too difficult for you to be around leave but DO NOT make it about her, do not pout or be passive aggressive just let her know you have to tend to your studies or whatever. You could just remain there of course but remember you also don't want to reward passive aggressive behavior. I would prob cut the meeting short but if you feel ok about her giving you the cold shoulder than stay. I just hate passive aggressive behavior and it sounds like she's not quite at a place to talk SPAM.

She explained that she's emotionally drained SPAM. Passive aggressive to the maximum. Went to sleep n she is still unaffectionate, said she felt emotionally drained.
2nd night in a row without sex n her being passive aggressive. Says she wants this to work n just feels like recently she had to try too much to 'make me happy' n wants some time off so she could reenergise n could start feeling and behaving better towards me again or something.

I responded with telling her that I get that she's upset, I get that she needs space n I think that space would be a good idea. I said that at the end of the day, I want her to b happy around me n if she isn't then there is no point of all this to imply that I was trying to be nice for her sake and she took it as me stating her behaviour makes me wanna end it n automatically said we need space for here to get back to normal as she doesn't wanna lose me. Said that her attraction for me just dropped recently coz of my recent behaviour. Were sleeping now, she's unaffectionate n I'm being affectionate for her sake since i know it makes her feel better.. If we had sex so much of this would get better but it's clearly not gonna happen SPAM.

What do I say in the morning before I say bye and we 'take a break?'

Just respect her wishes and see the space as a 'gift', use it to work on yourself too

Just don't start arguing against the space, don't get into any lengthy discussions on it simply tell her you understand and that you want her to feel healthy again and you'll respect the space

the more you PUSH the more she'll PULL (away/withdraw)

path of least resistance is usually the best one to follow

I really appreciate the advice man, I ended up saying a lot of supplicating sweet stuff last night and I guess it made her feel better coz she ended up rolling over and being a little affectionate during the night. Then she woke up today and as soon as she woke up, she turned from passive aggressive to being directly aggressive and bitchy for the 2nd morning/3rd day in a row.

I stayed un-reactive and simply tryed to stay upbeat in the morning like u said till I left but in all honesty, I do not put up with people talking to me so disrespectfully. In any other scenario, I woulda called her out on it but this time I simply sucked it up and stayed unaffected. I get that I screwed up when I got drunk but I am clearly making an extremely obvious conscious effort to fix it and it seems like she is taking advantage of the fact that I am accepting how rude she is behaving.

Evidently, her issue was that she got extremely turned off by how much of an 'asshole' I was on Saturday and that it was a combination of that and many other small incidents which I was unaware of.
While im trying to be empathetic, I would never behave the way she has been behaving sober over the last few days which just appears to be a constant personal attack on me to make herself feel better about Saturday.

Anyway, with regards to space, do I simply not contact her till she contacts me again? I was gonna do what you said, buy a bouquet of flowers, swing by to give em to her, just say a quick hi and leave then not contact her again till she contacts me. Would that be a good idea or would it be too supplicating considering the fact that she has directly mentioned that she was losing interest.

Just feels like im losing control of the situation and it's frustrating as the girl has never behaved anywhere close to how she has been over the last 2 days..