Ok I'm 29 and my GF is 27 and we've been exclusively dating for three months now. We have our ups and downs like everyone else. We do however tend to get in petty arguments and sometimes they blow up bigger than they should. I put blame in our conflicting communication styles and most certainly some insecurities on both of our sides. But for the most part it's been pretty good so far with the potential for LTR. I'm a confident man that knows his boundaries when it comes to a relationship and privacy. With that being said, I had a total lapse in judgement this past weekend. I was sick and hopped up on meds and me and my girl were kinda on edge due to a little argument we had but we planned to spend the whole weekend together. We just planned on relaxing because she was a little under the weather as well. We had a good Friday night, cooked dinner and chilled. When it was time to go to bed I couldn't sleep because the meds had me all hopped up. She fell asleep and for some reason beyond my comprehension, I impulsively grabbed her phone uggggh. Honestly I've never done this before! She has given me no reason to suspect any cheating but I do have some trust issues from past relationships. I was open about my insecurities and we both felt it wouldn't be an issue. So I go through her texts and lots of threads from guys and definitely some flirting. There was even a picture of a Martini and a caption saying "waiting for you" to some guy. That was from, I think, the day before where she never mentioned she was getting drinks. She didn't lie but I was unaware that she was at happy hour. There was another text to a pastry chef where he showed her a picture of a cake. She responds "I want that!" He responds "me or the cake?" and she says "both " Like WTF! I have to say we did break up for about a week a few weeks back and I don't remember the timestamp of that conversation. I know she has a lot of guy friends (and gay friends) and is very sociable because she plays in multiple bands and needs to get people to shows. There were a few other texts that seemed off but I don't want to take things out of context (even with the two examples I've given). I finally check myself and stop looking but I'm obviously infuriated and hurt for two reasons.. 1. that I even violated her privacy in the first place and 2. what I found. She eventually wakes up and can tell I'm not happy. I try to play it off but we start talking. I never tell her that I looked through her phone but like a conniving person I became that night, I started asking her questions related to what I saw. It didn't get anywhere and I eventually dropped it. I truly try to let it go and we sleep close to each other.

The next day we are cool but that is all I'm thinking about and it's just consuming my thoughts. She's around me so I can't truly process everything either. We don't fight but are definitely distant from one another. I blame it on that I'm sick and we just carry on through the day. That night I can't sleep again and like a freaking idiot I go through her phone again. I see she deleted those two conversations that I mentioned (I'm assuming she picked up I knew something was up). I was out on my porch doing this and while I'm still looking she comes out and asks where her phone is. I play dumb and say it's in my room even though she thought she had it in her backpack. I go in before her and place it on the ground by the bed and she eventually goes in and finds it. I continue to play dumb but doesn't seem like she believed me. She wants to leave and I'm just feeling odd emotions I've never felt before because of my immature and uncharacteristic behavior. I tell her we need to break up because of all this arguing and being uncomfortable. She says ok and leaves. I send her a couple petty texts and she says "hope you found what you're looking for in my phone" I deny again and that was that. I text her the next day to call me but she says there's nothing to discuss so I leave it alone.

Now before I possibly get berated for invading her privacy.. I fully understand what I did and am ashamed. It was a total lapse in judgement and an isolated incident. I've never done it before and I will never do that again. And to anyone else reading, I urge you to not do it as well. You never find anything good and your mind will play tricks with what it sees. Sometimes there is shady things going on (which might be in my case) and sometimes a text from a friend or even a gay friend can be taken out of context and interpreted incorrectly. And if you suspect foul play in a relationship then odds are it's doomed. I didn't expect foul play and have pretty good intuition. That is what is confusing me about my behavior.. why did I look??

Now I'm just not sure how to approach this. I don't know what to believe about the texts and I don't know if I should tell her I looked and confront her about it (that is if she will even talk to me and discuss it). Do I continue to deny? I feel if I come clean that will be the end because I invaded her privacy. If I deny, I'm not sure if she will believe me. I made such a stupid mess and at this point just want to make sense of it and move forward one way or another. I really do love this girl and don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Comments? Suggestions??

First off, don't bring it up with your girlfriend ever. Second, if you don't know who this person is, who cares? (He could likely be gay.) Third, if you are breaking up/getting back together, I don't know why you expect unwavering loyalty and focus on you but that's a bit silly.

Truthfully, man, you sound like a big pansy. Why are you discussing insecurity issues with any woman you are dating in the first place? Is she also your shrink?

You should get to the point where you don't care about what's on her phone.

I hear ya man, definitely agree and appreciate the kick in the nuts. Deep down I truly don't care what's in her phone. She has a busy life and is entitled to that.. I prefer she has the busy life she does. I still am amazed that I impulsively looked! It's so out of character for me. It's like I turned into another person for 36 hours and am facing the internal (and external) consequences of it now. I guess a fever, a bunch of meds, and curiosity don't mix lol but believe you and me I will never ever ever entertain that idea again. I had my day to feel bad for myself and now it's time to move forward and focus on a more constructive approach.

You're absolutely correct that it's silly about the unwavering loyalty when we had a somewhat rocky start. I've never had problems with women and relationships in the past. I'm no MPUA but I have my shit together. Something inside of me turned AFC for a minute with this girl. Definitely need to reevaluate why/how and correct it.

To elaborate a bit and touch on your question.. Everyone has insecurities of some kind, some more than others. Mine aren't unhealthy but it's definitely important to identify your shortcomings. We discussed our insecurities with each other because in my opinion that is what two people in a loving relationship eventually do. Yea it might have been too soon but nonetheless it's important to know both sides of the spectrum with your partner. And It's not like I was telling her my deep dark secrets or anything, we just discussed a few hot topics with each other. Everyone has their own opinions on how to approach a 'real' relationship and that is part of mine.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out but I'll be fine with whatever does. Again, I appreciate the response!

I'm not going to advocate your being a snoopy bastard, but I'll tell you why you looked.

Blame all the meds you want, your only lying to yourself.

You looked because you have a gut feeling she's being disloyal, 99.9% of the time your gut is correct.

Bitching that much at only 3 months in! It was headed for the toilet anyway.

It's now time to flush.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

You can make whatever decision you want about sharing or not sharing things. Here's what I know re:your vulnerability. If you've ever played a video game where you get a clue about the boss's weakness, that's essentially what you're doing when you're admitting your vulnerabilities to a girl. You're showing her how to destroy you when the time comes. I'm not one for deceitfulness, but you want to play your cards close to your hand always.

I'm not blaming the meds in any way, that comment was more of a joke than anything. Ah fuck who am I kidding.. part of me definitely wants to find something to blame it on. I gotta take full (not partial) ownership of what I did and deal with it. It's definitely a red flag indicating that I've let my inner game/confidence slip. It's time to get back to where I was at a few months ago. I let this relationship get the best of me. My intuition that she was disloyal could have been a mere reflection of my reverted AFC state of mind.. or maybe it was warranted.. I don't know right now. Looking back, there's no reason to suspect foul play. I do appreciate you guys calling me out.

And good analogy man, point taken. In my opinion, and this is only in LTR's, that understanding your partners true self is essential for a strong relationship. Now I fully understand that takes time, maybe years, but nonetheless very important. I will however concede a few months into a relationship is most likely not the most ideal time to unpack your baggage. It can add unnecessary stress to an otherwise good thing. Again, I didn't reveal anything too crazy but a little more cautious approach could have been beneficial.

Yeah I agree with Heywood. Your girl wasn't loyal. Thank the meds or your gut or whatever, you found out. She met with a guy for drinks. By the way she let you go, she was already keeping her options open.

I hear what you're saying man, I do. I'm beginning to lean that way myself, and this is because she deleted the texts. On the other hand, she does have a lot of gay male friends and it could have been an innocent exchange -- then why delete it. The only way to be certain is to call her out which is not something I really want to do. I mean there is such a small chance this relationship is going to work at this point, for obvious reasons, so I guess it doesn't much matter. I'm one that likes to know the entire story before leaving but it's probably best to just suck it up and move on. You guys agree?

You two broke up. You said let's talk. She said there is nothing to discuss. If she has the least interest on making this work she will talk to you.

What happened happened. You looked because you felt things are not right. What you can do is apologize for what you have done. But very unlikely this will do anything for you in this situation because she doesn't seem to want to make this work.

Let this one go mate. Don't worry about who's fault it is. You invaded her privacy she was flirting behind your back. None of them are good traits for a stable relationship.

You learned the lesson next time you don't do it.

Never mess around with other people's cellphones. If a girl cheats on you, she'll cheat. The only thing that you can control is being the best fuck any girl will ever have and being the fun and playful guy who knows how to handle his life.

If you get those qualities right down to a tee, there's no need to be looking at girls' cellphones. When a girl is happy and satisfied with her relationship with you, she won't cheat.

Take what happened here as reliable feedback that:

1. You need to fix your bedroom skills.

2. You need to fix your vibe.

3. You need to fix your inner game.

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Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

i've never looked through phones but my ex was a photographer and i once looked through her memory card and found some shit i did not like, which is exactly why she's my ex now. i also have trust issues.

honestly this will come off as ruthless/dick but if you have reason to suspect cheating you might as well confirm. 99 percent of the women in my life never gave me a reason to go through their phones as i preselected them for trustworthiness. and those texts were unacceptable imo unless they're from gay dudes (a gay dude wouldn't ask "do you want the cake or me" though...)

i also don't like the response "if a woman is going to cheat then she'll cheat. just be the best fuck and be fun etc." ok? so this guy is supposed to just keep going on and allowing that until she blunders or leaves him for another dude after he's spent 3 years with her? fuck that. you have to look out for yourself. i say op lucked out.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

The way I see it is you both are correct in a sense. When it comes to these moral dilemmas there isn't necessarily a universal right and wrong. It all depends on your personal moral landscape and the particular situation you are in. In my case, she didn't give me any cut and dry reasons for me to consider unfaithfulness. After I have reflected on it the past few days, it was totally my insecurity and trust issues that caused me to look. Therefore I think we all can agree I had no right to go through her phone.. period. If this was a marriage, engagement, or even a much more committed LTR with more concrete behaviors, tendencies, etc. from her to go off of then looking through a phone MIGHT be considered. It is up to the situation, your state of mind, and what you deem moral behavior.

On the other side, if I was the man with high confidence that I was at the beginning, I wouldn't have been in a state of mind to make such an impulsive move. I lowered my value, committed too much to her, and lost my way. I see that now. This was the first time I dated someone with such high qualities.. doctorate degree, musically talented, super athletic, well read, etc. In other words, I got intimidated by her and turned into a pussy. I'm no slouch tho.. masters degree, great career, lots of hobbies, etc. But if you know any parables, The Monk With Sweaty Palms sums it up. There's a lot to improve here and lesson learned.

Furthermore, if I wasn't such a pussy and kept my frame of happiness, playfulness, dominance, nonreactive, more communicative etc. then I feel she would have no reason to flirt, cheat, or whatever.. that is unless she's just an attention grabbing whore which I wholeheartedly disagree with. One thing that definitely was right was the sex, definitely did not need to fix that.. just pointing that out lol. My vibe and my inner game definitely fell for sure.

I think it's easy just to next a girl that you find flirting or not acting the way you think she should. If you've determined she's a happy, healthy, trustworthy person than sometimes you should look in the mirror first. I know it was only three months but definitely a lot to learn. What's the point of going through all this shit if you are to make the same mistakes next time..


PS she texted me and wants to come over and talk in the next couple days so I'll see what she has to say. At this point I'm not getting back together with her and taking some time for myself. I want to end it on good terms and get on with my life. Maybe revisit this in the future but for now I have to put myself first.

that seems well-reasoned and i think you should definitely take some time to recover and solidify your inner game and confidence. however, supposing you two were truly in an exclusive relationship, i still find it unacceptable that she's flirting with other guys like that. don't beat yourself up too much man. were you flirting like that with other girls? if not, don't absolve this one so readily. it's wise to analyze the situation and learn from mistakes you made so that next time you can be more assured in yourself. but i don't buy the "well she flirted with other guys so i must have done something wrong, it's my fault" narrative. a girl with high character doesn't do it. simple as that.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

I mean this respectfully:

It wasn't the looking through her phone that will make you a pussy, it's the "I shouldve been a better guy for her" bs that will make you a pussy. You've made rationalizations and excuses for her flirting and drinking which all take the blame off of her. You snooped and found something. Right or wrong your gut was right. If she gave a fuck about you or the relationship and had nothing to hide, she wouldve given you her phone right there and showed you what was up before walking. She didn't. Guess what. If 3 months in she's already flirting with guys, it wasn't YOUR fault. If she needed other guys 3 months in, either the relationship sucked or she was that type of girl.

You're probably going to read all this, and get back with her and just disappear from here. And she'll continue to flirt and meet guys for drinks and do whatever. And eventually she'll leave you or you'll catch her. The passive aggressive way you handled it, shows who was in control and had more "value" in the relationship. You found something but were too afraid to confront her so you hid. You didn't want to risk pissing her off, when you should have been concerned with finding out what was up.

If you're cool with your girl flirting with guys or meeting them for drinks, apologize for snooping. And that's your choice. If not tell her to fuck off and pick a better girl. If you have trust issues, don't pick girls who have a ton of guy friends in the first place.

It's good that you know your weakness and that you are willing to fix it.

One thing. When she asked you about her phone, you should have manned up and told her what you found. Tell her you overheard a conversation or saw her text the other day, and wanted to confirm your suspicion. Then tell her that what she did was unacceptable and that you would not stand up for the bullshit.

She already knew what you did and I just found it weak that you tried to cover up for it.

It's really not a good thing to be going through a person's phone, but if your relationship means something and you have nothing to hide it shouldn't be an issue if someone looks at any time, just like in sports a clean athlete is open to random drug tests anytime.