My girlfriend says she is depressed and doesn't know why. She is in the middle of exams, sex was good but we haven't seen each other in a few days. She has expressed concern that she is depressed and has struggled with depression in the past. She says she thinks a lot and she is scared. Important to note we are planning a trip away in the summer to work abroad for a few months. She rang me and said her friends have been worried about her. She hasn't expressed any concern over the relationship.

She says she hates herself, she is beautiful, I guess this could be a result of the usual shallowness with which a beautiful girl is viewed, one persona projected to her friends, another to herself.

I want the relationship to stay strong and I want to know what my role should be.

I have been asking her what the matter is and then I've been trying to build her up, telling her how lucky she is, reminding her all she has, that trillions of people went into making her, telling her it will pass, to focus on her goals.

Any of this right? How do I get her to feel good again? She had a traumatic childhood and is quite vulnerable.

What you said, essentially to keep working towards goals even when things get tough, and take it one step at a time, is basically what any sane person would do.

However, women aren't rational like that - the thoughts they express are rather rationalizations of their underlying moods. They often don't know what they "want" from themselves or from their lives. For them, it is the immediacy of the moment, how they feel at that time and place - the sensations that drive them onwards.

There is little to nothing that a man can do to get a grip of them during the moments of their mood swings. Their mood swings make them volatile. This is just a part of natural order.

Best thing you can do is indeed focus on your own goals. If you try to support her, you give credence to her negativity, and she will feel justified in her "I deserve pity", with the result that her frustrations will be channeled at you.

Thanks, that was a helpful response.

Was I right in not focusing too much on what is actually wrong but on the positives of life in general? I give a lot of general advice, but I guess that is responding within her frame.

So the resolution is therefore to try to divert any future conversation away from her negativity and towards something positive, say something good happening in my life?

I'm going to start telling her it will pass, then proceed with, this will cheer you up, or just keep with the positivity to change her mindset. Give her plenty of DHV's, then when her mood increases tease her a bit.

This is an intelligent girl and I'm close to her. She's my best friend. I am going to tell her that women are different from men in certain things, with deeper emotions that cannot always be explained logically and this will pass. She is young and learning herself and we know none of these essential life management skills are taught in schools. That will make it feel more normal for her and I think she will like that emotive role.

"i m so saaad i hate my life i want to cry i hate myself" she says

That pisses me off a little because I'm part of her life, it's a little ungrateful.

I'm thinking of sending her this, "You are so sexxyy. Your eyes. Your lips. Your skin. Your voice. Your smile. Your sultry style and your quiet persona. You are incredibly sexy, feel that! It will give me pleasure and it will make you feel great. I want to wear something sexy and I want you to spark. Nothing is set, life is unknown and spontaneous. Fucking smoulder"

I think maybe I am making her feel trapped.

Thoughts?

Well the reply would probably not work for my GF but may work for yours - i still doubt it though. It sounds a bit fake and next time she may probably try to play depressed when she will want validation from you - so careful with that.

In my case, i would just change the topic to sth better - that has a bigger chance of success

Yes good advice,

My main learn here has been not to ask what is wrong.

I said "Just relax, you had a bad day, and this will pass. If I was there I'd take you to my bed and we wouldn't be leaving until you are feeling great."

When I say something like that to her it is real. She is a very sexual person. She's sexy and it makes her feel good. It's not complicated.

I'll try to phone/talk with her because it is difficult to change the subject over text.

I'm also a bit stumped for something interesting to say, any threads/books/advice on this? We are usually fine, it's just in situations like this I sometimes struggle.

how old is she?

Why are you with her? Think about this carefully. I don't know the answer... but you should.
Avoid playing "therapist". 1. You are not a therapist. 2. Men are 'fixers'. You see this as a problem so your instinct is to fix it. So you want to chat about the positives. . . unfortunately, people with problems don't share their problems with others to solve the problem. If they wanted to solve it, they would have already done it. We have resources ALL AROUND us. Mostly, people who share problems do it to simply share the misery with others, whether they realize it or not.
A women gets nutty when you change her topic, no matter what your intentions are or no matter how right you are. If she starts talking, just let her talk, talk ,talk. Comment a little but make sure it's relevant. "I see. . . you're right. I get it. . ." - On one hand (especially to a man) this could seem insincere. . . but when it's done correctly, it's the most sincere thing in the World. She just wants to be heard. No solutions, no suggestions. . . no ideas . . . she just wants you to listen. . . really listen. (Shit, now we are playing "therapist")
^This is insincere. How do you know it will pass? How will changing her topic to your topic help her feel better? Are you seriously suggesting that when she feels a bit better, a little teasing will help her?


This moment is not the moment to change her topic. The time to mention "positive aspects" is when she is positive. When she is like ^this, you've got to just take it. (shit, playing therapist again)


Yes! Because the cause of her problem is due to her thinking that she is not sexy and you don't want to eat her pussy? Really. . . don't play therapist; this is not the job description of a boyfriend.

"I give a lot of general advice, but I guess that is responding within her frame."

True

"The resolution is therefore to try to divert any future conversation away from her negativity and towards something positive, say something good happening in my life?"

Indeed. Whenever she bitches about something bad in her life, completely change the topic and say: "Well this thing awesome happened in my life just today!" She will be bitchy but she will love you more as a result. Why? Because her awareness will say: "This guy is not being sensitive to my emotions right now!" (resulting in being bitchy). Her lizard-brain subconscious will tell her: "This guy has a good life regardless of me. He is high value. I must stick around with him to trade up my value."

"'i m so saaad i hate my life i want to cry i hate myself' she says - That pisses me off a little because I'm part of her life, it's a little ungrateful."

True!

"It sounds a bit fake and next time she may probably try to play depressed when she will want validation from you - so careful with that."

True, already pointed out in my first reply.

"Men are 'fixers'. You see this as a problem so your instinct is to fix it. So you want to chat about the positives. . . unfortunately, people with problems don't share their problems with others to solve the problem. If they wanted to solve it, they would have already done it. We have resources ALL AROUND us. Mostly, people who share problems do it to simply share the misery with others, whether they realize it or not."

True.

My own experience: I was once dating this über sleek 46 kg girl with diamond eyes that held the power to mesmerize and enslave the world through the innocence of her smile. We got it on and after a month of intense contact I followed her to her room. There she said things like: "I'm so insecure, I am confused in my life, you seem to perfectly know what you want." So, I cuddled her, and said: "Do not forget that your family loves you, supports you, and will help to pay for your bills if necessary. You have a wonderful smile, you are in good health, you have a degree from a university and have seen much of the world, from Europe to the USA. To top it all off, you have a boyfriend who will support you no matter what shit life throws at you."

She was relieved, happy, and on my way walking back to my room she texted me, saying how strong my character was and that what I said made her feel great again . . . I still remember the blue radiant luminosity of the towering building I gazed upon as I received her text . . . I looked up, smiled, aware of my persuasive powers, and felt the cool night sky upon my skin. Deeply I peered into the night, hopeful of our future together. The next week she broke up with me.