Hi...first off, I don't think I am a great PUA, but I have been trying hard to pick up my game.

With that said, I have a story that I need advice on from men who understand women better than I do. Here goes...

I just went down to Orlando, Florida to visit a former co-worker for what she called a "F--- Fest". I have talked dirty to this girl on and off for years, after initially hooking up with her in 2008. She is now 28 and I am 41.

I ended up leaving early because it was so awkward for me and I was so upset. The two of us have talked dirty in the past (and sent pictures), and she's always begging me to come visit her. So that's what this trip was about.

She sent me some sexy pics of her in mid-February, and I sent some back. There was tons of flirting. I bought her some expensive shoes and she was excited to get them when I came to visit. So far so good.

Last week I kind of noticed she wasn't texting as much, although if I initiated it she played along. My birthday was Sunday (the day before I left for the trip) and she didn't call/text. hmmm..

Monday comes, she picks me up at the airport, things seem friendly. No kissing, but I feel fine about things. We get to her place, and she mentions she has been talking to a former co-worker from Tennesssee (I don't know this person) and that they will both end up back home in Chicago (where I live too) in two years, implying that it could work with this guy.

I just try to remain cool and say "stranger things have happened" and then blow it off.

But it bothers the hell out of me.

We go for a walk, and she is semi-flirty, but I am "off" my game...I just don't feel comfortable. I mean I wasn't horrendous but I was a little upset about her comment. I kept thinking...is this a TEST or is she serious???

We get back to her place, and she wants to show me the videos she made for work (she is a news reporter). The computer is (gulp) in her bedroom, and we have good conversation, BUT I DO NOT MAKE A MOVE. Perhaps I should have right there--but I didn't. Don't ask me why--I have no idea why I didn't.

Perhaps it was because prior to that she brought out a blanket and told me I would be sleeping on the couch. So again, I had another thing on my mind. These were not good signals, at least that's what I thought.

She comes out to say goodnight with her cat, goes into her room, says goodnight again, and that's it.

The next day I spent about 14 hours at Disney World, so before she got up and when she got back from work, I was gone. I came in from Disney on Tuesday and she was already in bed because it was late.

Wednesday comes, and I basically leave her place once she goes to work. I can tell she is upset that I stayed at Disney for so long (I did because I was realizing what a fool I was).

So I text her I am leaving, she asks if it was because of something she did that offended me, and I say no.

Next day (yesterday) I am more honest with her and I tell her I felt awkward and like a jerk.

She tells me SHE WAS ONLY KIDDING about fooling around, and that she never told me to buy the shoes. She admits to having a new boyfriend, and that even if she didn't it wouldn't be right to mess around because I live far away, we don't know each other intimately, etc. Despite our one night stand back in 2008 and all her comments through the years about wishing we had done it more than just once.

This is the same woman who says we would have beautiful kids together and that if she is single in 2 years that I am walking her down the aisle (wow, I love being a consolation prize)

I asked her recently if I was in the Friend Zone and she said "lol, no"

Now I ask you guys----->am I just the world's biggest sucker/loser with women? Because that's what I feel like.

Thanks for any advice you may have.

You ran away and turned her down in her mind. She responded by trying to save face "I was only joking."

You should have just gone for it. She sent pictures to you, talked dirty and everything. Make a move. If it doesn't pan out who would have gave a fuck? She was basically telling you all along "Fuckmefuckmefuckmefuckme."

Don't get down though, just move on. Fucked up situation if you haven't seen her in ages, it can be awkward and the only way to not make it awkward is to tear down that barrier as soon as you see her to make it clear what you're there for.

All great advice....so why did she mention the "boyfriend"? Just a test or to get me jealous? And no way to crawl back, right? (or is that just pathetic?)

She said she was talking to some guy... That means absolutely nothing. If he was her boyfriend she wouldn't be having you over.

And why did you buy her shoes anyway? Forget that, don't buy a chick you hardly see but only flirt with shoes... If you get them something get them a token gift, something cheap but says "Hey, thought of something for you." They get a kick out of that.

Anyway, depending how you left it just carry on. Invite her over to visit you. Or you could say "I feel bad for leaving so early. Why don't you come over here for the weekend and i'll make it up to you."

You did shoot yourself in the foot by telling her you were upset about the other guy though... I'd go out to a club, pick up some skank, fuck her brains out and build up a frame of abundance before getting in touch with her though.

Thanks guys. This is helpful.

Don't think I am pathetic (anymore than you already do haha) but I wonder if there is any way to save this relationship?

I have talked marriage with this woman (very casually) in the past. I have met her mother when she took me to meet her last September and this woman knows my son. She has talked about what our kids would look like...

Maybe it's nothing. Or something. I don't know.

Can anyone answer WHY she would mention this other guy that early in the visit? Is that what is known as a "shit test"?

Thanks

Stop obsessing over her bringing up a guy she's talking to. Just stop giving a damn so much and be aloof about it all. It'll work better for you. If she wants something serious and you do too then worry about marriage and all that shit. Right now you have AFC mentality.

This was an email I got from her tonight. Your analysis please...


I'm still appalled with your immature, disgusting, hateful reaction.
The fact that you assumed that buying someone shoes equates to sex is
extremely foolish and naive. We have never had any SERIOUS
conversations about that or ever talked about starting a relationship.
You talked about your previous relationships as did I. You just happen
to come during a time when I started talking with my ex-boyfriend
again. You made a lot of assumptions and clearly there was a lack of
communication.

Having said all of that, I still thought of you as a friend and
welcomed you into my home. I wanted you to have a good time. However,
you clearly had other intentions. MY intentions were always to pick up
you from the airport, welcome you into my home, cook for you, and show
you around town. Instead, this is how you treat a friend let alone
your host???

Your petty name calling blew my mind away and made me open my eyes to
see your true colors as person. I refuse to associate myself with
someone who spits hateful lies or is a ticking time bomb. You sound
like an ungrateful, grumpy old man. There's a reason why you're
divorced and still single...

You said you have "a lot of respect" for me, well if you did those
hateful words would've NEVER come of your mouth. I don't care how
angry you were at me. I can't imagine how you treat others that you
have "some respect."

I thought you were a good friend and I loved helping you with your
journalism kids but not after what you said to me. You OBVIOUSLY do
not know me because if you did you would have never said that crap in
the first place. Not only were those statements utterly false but very
hurtful. You can thank your uncontrollable anger and assumptions for
destroying our friendship.

-J.

based on that e-mail she just told you dont talk to her anymore. and from the context of that e-mail you said some shit you aren't sharing on here


"Next day (yesterday) I am more honest with her and I tell her I felt awkward and like a jerk.

She tells me SHE WAS ONLY KIDDING about fooling around, and that she never told me to buy the shoes."




her e-mail tells me you told her shoes means sex and that you were angry with her saying some hurtful shit. theirs gotta be more context you aren't sharing.



I can tell you shes done talking to you based of that

I said some things to her like calling her immature and a liar. I didn't think those things were that bad.

And I asked her if her normal friends buy her shoes, so I guess I did imply that the shoes/gift was connected to sex. But she was along for the ride prior to my visit.

I have nothing to hide on here and am trying to tell an accurate story.

And the god's honest truth is I used Match.com this weekend and met a cool, pretty woman who is my age last night. Right after I posted the 28 year old's message, the older woman called and we were laughing, having a nice time chatting (we went on a fun date last night--no sex, long story, but GOOD date). The simplicity of it all made it fun. I don't need this drama. OK, so I messed up. I am ready to move on. It took a moment like that call to realize it. Now hopefully I don't wake up tomorrow feeling sorry for myself again, but this is a good start to "moving on"

We all make mistakes and say things we later regret. Hey, I am only human. I will learn from this...

I hope you learn from this.

You screwed up.
Calling a girl immature and a liar is a HUGE mistake. It shows you are being moved by her emotionally. Your job is to be emotionally unreactive - if you're a "true man" in a woman's eyes, you shouldn't CARE. You're also not in a frame of abundance (though it seems the match.com thing is helping you with abundance).

You pretty much came off like an asshole because you got all pissy that she didn't fuck you, when YOU didn't take the initiative. Those are the rules, YOU take the initiative. Other men literally DO NOT MATTER. If you care about another guy, ever, you're done. You kept caring and caring about this other guy - don't do that.

This girl almost certainly DID intend on hooking up with you again - don't call her a liar. Remember, don't trust what a girl says, but how she acts. You've only confirmed in her mind that you are NOT the sex partner for her.

So basically, don't get so pissy, and get a real frame of abundance. You need to know you have multiple options, everywhere, and right now it is very clear you do not.