^^^ Total agreement w/Jones and Neo87.

When you are (A) Mature, and (B) Really over your ex, these are some of the things you do not do:

1. You hardly ever bring them up in conversation
2. Badmouth them / Belittle them
3. Contact them unless they are truly your friend

You haven't mentioned any traits or facts about your girl. I always feel age is an appropriate element to mention. If she's talking about him good or bad that means she's thinking about him. I would just STFU, not mention anything, have a beer and see how often she brings him up in the next 2 weeks and how and if she actually does brush him off.

Indifference (even empathy) truly shows that nothing is going on. Hate and other negative emotions I would worry about. Remember there is only one step from hate to love (and vice versa).

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

she is 21 and i wouldnt say mature. she does not bring him up ever to me. her friend brought the funny job up to her and she asked the fried if she shoud text him. she tends to use profanity alot about other people.

^^^ You just explained a lot right there.

This being where you are coming from, I would just do what feels right... it's a learning curve. Good luck to ya.

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

I am 25. Can you explain?

Also, with all his betaness since the breakup and how he used to beg for sex when with her...and the fact that dhe said i cant believe i ever fucked that guy to her friend....you actually think she would think of him that way now

Calling him a baby...that is ridicule...ive read a post on another forum thst said there is a difference between anger and sadness vs ridicule, and the former two would mean still not over him

If she was over him, why are you here? Bringing up an ex means you aren't over them. And if you're not over them, but you respect the person you're with and WANT to forget them, you keep it to yourself.

What we have here is a classic case of someone who can't be told the stove is hot. They have to put their hand on it. Enjoy the burn.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

Did you read what I posted?

1. Her sister brought up the fact that he was being creepy all those times with the befriending of her family and sending the mom flowers ect
2. Her FRIEND went snooping without my girl's orders and told my girl what she saw on social media
3. He contacted her about the funeral and she told me out of respect that he might come and she will be mature, and that her sister will tell him to leave if he tries to hang around afterwards
4. After the funeral she said he did come, i said oh i didn't notice, I also think she told me this out of respect since he was there and she wants to be an open book
5. She said that he texted her "like I knew he would with a wall of text" days later...we had previously had a talk about being honest about it when guys/girls text us, so we generally tell each other when these things happen...aka I will tell her my ex texted me and i ignored it as usual, ect.

That there. 21 and immature is not a good combination. So it's like your gf is an 18 year old girl (or thereabouts).

You're not so far off yourself. What you have to learn to do is set reasonable boundaries, and have them enforced. If it were me (and I'm divorced and 40 in 2 months), I would say that you don't want to hear him mentioned again. See if she can keep to that. I don't care if the tooth-fucking-fairy appeared and told her that her ex just won the latest ironman contest. She should be able to process that she is with you and you don't want to hear about that shit. If her sister brings it up, then she should tell her not to.

And if she can't do this, then you have a serious talk, and give yourselves a break if needs be. And if you break up, then she will learn next time not to do that shit and respect her ex AND her current relationship. And you will have learned to set your boundaries sooner.

Just my 2 cents.

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

Why is this still going on? OP: Just listen to your God damn guts. I don't understand you guys. What good can come out of this that you're implying she's not over her ex? This just reinforces OP's doubts for no apparent reason. And also. How about...Probably the dude really is a wimpy bitch? Apparently, if what is said here is true that this sorry ass of a "man" can't let go and sneaks around to get her back, then I have to agree with OP's gf that he's a wimpy bitch. If she's 21, and it lasted for 4 years, that means she was pretty young when it started, and as she matured she got to realize that the guy lacks balls. Maybe if he stopped trying to get back with her in such stupid ways, and didn't behave like a complete loser, she'd not laugh at his misfortune, and so on.

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"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

I'm talking about boundaries and about learning in relationships. For me personally it is not acceptable for my girl to be bland about cutting off her ex's hopes, letting him orbit constantly or her mentioning him constantly. But that's just me. Personally I would have a talk with the dude myself. Whether you believe me or not, SHE IS TESTING THE OP to see how he reacts. To see if he is assertive and fights for what is his. These half ass reactions will only allow her to think that she is not with somebody to claim what is his. This is what it looks like from her age, the way she acts/reacts and what she does/does not do.

BTW she has not "matured" yet. And personality mostly doesn't change.

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

Well then maybe it's just me, but I could care less about how my gf's exes orbit around her and whether she gives them false hopes or not(on another note, OP's gf is clearly not giving this guy false hopes. Any kind of hope is just in his own imagination) If they are such losers then they deserve it. I trust my girl. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, and the moment I find out she cheats, then off she goes. No drama, no anger, I just walk away. I tell this to my exclusive partners at the very start of being exclusive, and I think this is the only boundary that is necessary. And yeah, maybe it's just me, but somehow this simplicity seemed to work pretty well to avoid BS drama all the time.

"Claiming what is his?" Wtf? A girlfriend is not private property dude... She might be testing him(which I doubt anyway, because she doesn't bring him up to OP personally too much...) but then again, the best way is to ignore all the BS.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

OK. I'll get into the property issue first. You call it exclusivity, in THIS CASE I sort of called "ownership". These are really blurred lines depending on the relationship, but when you set boundaries as to what your partner is allowed or not to do while you are a couple (ex. Fuck another dude, flirt with other dudes, etc), then you are claiming control over someones actions in mind or body. Call it emotional property if you will.... but I feel you are nitpicking semantics with me on this issue

I will re-state. It is a couples boundaries issue, and I am giving my opinion. It obviously bothers the OP or he would not have posted. I PERSONALLY would not want to be hearing about an ex. Not that it makes me feel any way in particular, just couldn't give a shit so therefore don't mention it. Just like I won't hang out with people who have long conversations about shit I find ridiculous

My 2 cents once more.

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

And if she IS testing him... I'd let her know I'm on to her so she fucking cuts it out and doesn't waste my time. She is 21 and immature after all, so she will need "educating".

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

Okay, yeah let's put that ownership thing away, I can agree to that.

I also agree on you with boundaries, but OP said, she did not bring the ex up to him personally. And I don't think it's even remotely rational to tell her not to talk about the ex to anyone. That'd be just nuts. (I know you never said this, just covering everything here). Also, if he told her sister or friends or anyone else something like that he doesn't want to hear about the ex, that would most probably backfire, because when that gets back to OP's gf, she'd interpret it as OP being insecure, and ultimately, she'd be correct... That's why I suggested that ignoring it completely is the best policy. Just let her bitch about the ex to her friends, and not care about the bitching of her friends. Simple as that.

She's 21 and immature, yes that's pretty common. Or I don't know. Here in Hungary most college girls are still immature, exploring their sexuality with men of various age, race, etc... Experiencing SNLs, LTRs, moving in together, long distance relationships... I don't think you can expect a 21 year-old to have a firm perspective on what she wants in most aspects of her life, when most probably she's just started experiencing what life is, that'd be exceptionally rare.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

I think we are pretty much in agreement generally speaking. It's just a matter of temperament - what you are ok putting up with and what you aren't. That's why the OP needs to set HIS relationship limits. But once he does that he must enforce them.This post is a limit scenario wich apparently has not been set.

It really is his call... And as we both have pointed out age matters. That's why I said it's a learning curve... for men and women.

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Fuck with her mind and her body will follow.

The boundaries we talked about

Nothing sexual text wise aka someone interested more than friends in that way say i have boy/ girlfriend
We also agreed today it would be healthier to not talk to exes in relationships but there was no "no talk to exes" controlling line
She asked what i wanted to know if someone texted her in such a manner and she said shed wanna know everything if it happened to me. I said would not be an issue because trust is there and it wouldnt happen/ i knew shed react the right way...she was concerned that telling me would be percieved as trying to make me jealous but she would tell me as she always had, and agreed would not be an issue