(english is not my first language)
So two months ago my girlfriend and I broke up and we are in No-contact (from my side) since then. It was a 2.5 years relationship everything where fine since 6 months ago.
Basically, in june or july i postulate to a master degree far away from the city we live in. She know my stance about long distance relationship, which is that it doesn't work. But i was ready to try for here. So when i said to here that i was perhaps moving to another city for my study, it just "destroyed her" (her words, while still in the relationship, she say this to me perhaps in september, we broke in november).
From then the relationship began to slow down. I was refused from this master degree, which basically mean for me, that i have nowhere else to go. I have a master degree in philosophy which don't get me job, and i'm fighting (even today) to find a part-time job. So i was lost in my life. And of course, you know the song, when i felt that she was distancing herself i began needy, anxious etc etc. This relationship, and this girl was the only things that was good in my life at the time.
At the same time she began to write books review for a website which put her in contact writers from my country (i'm french). I began more and more needy because of this but also pushing here away at the same time.
"I'm not good for you, you need someone who can really help you with your writing" (which it was an honest statement from me, not only one conduct by fear)
During those last 6 months, because of the depression, i just stop doing things for her, or going out. She subtlely tell me "i'm unhappy ; don't take me for granted etc."
I fucking don't know why but i didn't pick up the hint. I had just stopped listening to her and it's just 2 months after the break up that i see how i took her for granted.
It really make me mad, not against her but against myself, even if i'm an healthy person, when the anger is too big, i just hit myself (it happened two or three time...).

Here come the Beta trap.
In october she wanted to have space. 1,5 weeks later we spoke together, she said to me she wanted to break up. I just said to her that i will change, i know how i fucked up (which was true), in a now pleading way. It seems to work, we get back together. But know i really thinks it was just because she got difficulty to say no to people or hurting them. We didn't speak much about the break but she was still distancing herself.
1 week later, i'm at here home and while searching something for her, i stupple on a piece of paper where she wrote things she hates about me. It was something she wrote in an anger moment against me (don't know why) and for her to see better, but certainly trying to convince herself for breaking up. I don't said a word and i just vanish. During the weeks she try to contact me, she was crying, pleading, sending me mails about how she loves me, that the state of our relationship make her sad and really want to try to works things out. I really wanted to break up, but i couldn't. So we get back together. Again...
And then two weeks later, about something stupid, but that certainly make her realise that i didn't change, she broke up for good. Saying that "Perhaps you are right and i'm losing attraction for you".
I just go...
Stating from some friends that know her, i think she is not sure about why she broke up. She is certainly rationalysing her lost of attraction for me. But from those friends she said to them that "There was too much problem between us", "timing". And one month after the break up, i saw her and she said to me it was because the "relationship became stale". Which was true, i was also bore from the relationship before october.

One month after the break up i learn from a mutual friends (the best friend of my ex is dating my best friend...) that she don't stop speaking about me, asking about me to her, the mutual friend (and some of my ex close friend) state that she is still in love with me and that for her the break up is only temporary. And that she wanted to send me an email, don't know about what. I began angry against her. I just send her a mail stating that it's not fair for methat she thinks that. That i want no-contact, we will not be friend. That i'm ok with the break up because i can work on myself and that she stop feeling guilty.
I call her just after that, to met for closure.
She didn't try to drag me on, saying that "she wants to work on her career and be alone" [which is true, she didn't rebound, neither have a ONS since the break up, and no it's not her that say this to me]


I just need an objective point of view with peoples that have better relationship experience than me. I'm not clear even with my feelings if i want here to come back or not.
I fear that she is "the one that got away", that i don't find another pretty caring intellectual girl like her.
Since the break up I :
-Go to the gym
-Stop smoking, trying to eat healthy.
-Find a new purpose in life with computer science (but course begin only in september)

I work a lot on myself :
-I saw how i took her for granted
-Reconcile with old friends
-Try dating but it's too soon. It was essentialy to increase my social and dating skills.
-I also saw that i have a tendancy to choose intellectual or artistic girl because it's a kind of way for me to live a life for me that i always thought i didn't deserve, or wasn'tgood enough to be a part of it. (it's a huge problem in me, and part the cause of why i have such a hard time with works and orientation). So i'm working on this.
-Going out more, saying less no. I'm kind of a loner, and it's fine for me.

The way i see her now is not all pink :
-I was her first relationship, so she lacks maturity in this domain.
-She have difficulty expressing herself, she keeps everything to herself until it explode.
-Difficulty for her to have her own opinion or trusting herself (but i discover with the break up that i was the same even if i always think of me as someone independant).
-Affraid of her feminity and sexuality (but the sex was really good, perhaps a bit boring on the end)

But overal she is a great person. Even if i was not a terrible boyfriend, and i'm pretty sure that she will be able to have healthy relationship thanks to me, it's hard for me to forgive myself for the way i treat her. She didn't deserve that.

Thanks in advance for your help.

I think many of us here went through the same exact situation where we fucked up a relationship with a great girl. No matter how we feel sorry, that's just water under the bridge.

You're on the right track. Just move on.

Btw, this should be in the General Section since you're no longer in a relationship with the girl.

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Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

In analogy to reheated food, reheated realationships don’t work. if it’s over it is over. Like in 99% of cases. Now you can prolonge the relationships say a few more months or so, but, by goint back together, it will result is the same ending soon.
This is a clear signal. You lost something, in this situation all your feelings are greatly extragated. But you don't write something like "I am dying to get her back" or like "this was 100% the biggest mistake of my life" or anything.
The above statement is a clear signal that you don't really want her back. Don't go in this trap!

Breakups suck. This takes a lot of time, months, half a year or perhaps even a year. I like to distract me with sex with other girls and have sum fun in that kind of situations. Do what works for you.

Perhaps even try to get into a Master program. I am doing my PhD in Europe and we have English Master programs here. Even some strange ones that take only one year to complete. Philosopy is a great background to have.

Oh sorry i thought i could post it here since there is a lot of discussion about break up.
Yeah i'm beginning to understand this but it's just so sad that there is nothing we can do when a relationship is beginning to go down...
Even when i'm think what would happen if we are getting back i just don't see a solution. I feel that the relationship as run it's course but i don't know if those feeling have to be put only on the relationship or also on external circumstance, like the fact that it was hard for me to make evolution in my life. It was only when the break up occur that i was beginning to see a way on how to put my life on tracks. It was as if the relationship make me blind.
I think you are right. But here is the things, because of something at my birth, i got a fear of abandonment which in my relationship seems to turn in a fear of commitment. So how could i make a distinction from genuine feeling and just an expression of a fear? Or perhaps tehre is no "genuine feeling"...
About 1,5 year in the relationship i began to feel disinterest in my girl and in the relationship. And i just couldn't understand it, objectivly it was a great girl, so logicaly it made no sens to me to feel this way. So i tryed to repress it, trying to function with the reason and not with the feeling. I really neither understand this, because if i was feeling disinterest for her, then i just don't know in what girl i could be interest.
When i'm thinking about it it's some kind of "I love you but i'm not in love with you" from my part. But it just don't make sense to me.
"Well those feeling or just expression of your fear of commitment, so don't listen to them", was what i was telling me.
Now i'm beginning to understand that this way of functionning, nether listen to my feeling and just do what is "logical" was really what make my life stale. It was one of the big great things of the break up to learn this.
There is a few girls who are running after me, but i just don't want to sleep with them when i bring them home, or i don't want to go on the date, i just don't feel it. I spoke about it with some friends (we are in your mid-20s) and we all feel the same. It just seem no more fun for us now. Which is also strange for me, it's a feeling that i'm not use to...
For now the only things that is helping is the gym.
I'm from europa, i didn't know about the master program in one year haha it's good for you if you find it. Programmation seem to fit me for the lifestyle that i want, even if i'm going back for 5 more years of study, i think it will be worth it, and yeah my degree in philosophy will be of great help.

Thanks for your answer.

Edit : About my fear of abandonment, i really work on it, even before this relationship and during it. But it will neither totally disapear, i just can reduce the symptom or trying to identify them and don't act on it. But it's pretty hard sometime.

Alright, last week i had become more and more angry at myself, and then some feeling of peace settle in. I just began to see thigns with more clarity so i decide to sent her an apology mail (just one page), because i think she perhaps need to know more clarity on my behaviour, perhaps for her next relationship.

She called me right after she get the mail saying she will answer me latter because she is really sick since a few day (it's true) and to not be anxious if she don't write me right away.

I'm a little bother by her answer, it seems to mee that she thinks that i'm still at her feet, or perhaps she knew i'm anxious by nature don't know really how to interpret her answer. Perhaps it's true, i'm certainly the one thinking more about the relationship.