Guys,

Been seeing this girl for two months. I knew she smoked (when we met she told me she only really smokes when she drinks) but the more i hang out with her the more i notice its a huge issue. She has got to be up to a half a pack to a pack a day (I counted 6 in the 8 hours we hung out last night) and it really does bother me. She has told me she has quit before and started doing it again (about 4 months ago). Think she can quit again? Doesn't look like its going to happen over night and i don't want to try to control her...


This girl is amazing in every area accept this one, and i haven't said anything at all about her smoking because i wanted to see how bad it really was (she is super comfortable with me and doesn't hesitate smoking right in front of me).

So...

1) DO i address this? and if so how (without being a dick and ruining the relationship)?
2) Anyone else put up with this in hopes the girl may quit the bad habit?
3) Is this an obvious next? Is it super hard to quit smoking?

Any comments would really help. I do really like this girl and she is super into me. Minus the smoking this girl is wife material. no joke.

Thanks!
Duke

You can't change her, if she quits, it will be because she wants to and not anyone else.

If you pressure her, or go on about it to her, it will make her want to smoke more most probably, that's what I did when people pressured me to quit. It was like "fuck you man!" kind of reaction.

If you really cannot accept this foible of hers then leave her.

Quitting smoking is very, very easy depending on how you approach it. Nicotine replacement therapy and basically anything championed by the government is usually bollocks, you need to remove the psychological dependency on cigarettes.

"The Easyway to stop smoking" by Allen Carr is a life changing book. I haven't smoked for three weeks now and I have had no cravings whatsoever. Probably sound like a salesman, but it is honestly the best way to quit smoking, I find it incredibly easy.

Buy her the book if you like and tell her it was recommended by an ex smoker and it's for when she is ready, then leave the issue alone.

If you ask any smoker if they could go back in time to before they were addicted, they would say "yes" so she may have been thinking about quitting before and has probably tried. Easyway is amazing though, there is literally no willpower involved but it may take several attempts for it to sink in.

Why don't you like her smoking?

Umm because its detrimental to her health, her future, and mine as well. second hand smoke is worse then 1st hand and when we are together im constantly in contact with it....

its just not for me and my life

At only 2 months into the relationship that'd be a tough sell to try and influence her to quit.

Great that you're at 2 months and all, but it is a relatively short amount of time to be together. Flip it - if she asked you to stop eating meat or something... Would you?

Umm ok I see your point here but seriously comparing eating meat to smoking is 2 completely different things.The side effect of eating meat dont influence the other persons health in the relationship...

Is there anyway to talk about this concern in a mature manner that wont look like im trying to change her habits?

Had to ask the question to clarify things. Your reasons for not wanting her to smoke are important for advice. You could have just hated the smell, hated kissing her after she smoke.

Two months in is kinda soon to be worrying about someone more than they are. You say she's wife material 2 months in. Don't put someone in that category so soon. If you do, you've already lost alot of what makes a rs work.

As R.O said you can get the book to help her. Hopefully she quits on her own but you can't make her and have no assurance she will. It's your right however to tell her you don't like being around second hand smoke so she can stop her smoking around you.


Be warned though that smoking is a complex thing and if you don't smoke you won't understand alot of it. It's an addiction. If you're around her for a few hours and you ask her not to smoke around you, she will be anxious and feel the cravings for those hours. If she can't be herself around you or feels uncomfortable when she's around you due to not smoking, could push her away. I can tell you sometimes you feel like a near crackhead if you can't get a smoke.

As to how to bring it up, I dunno. Something best to do early during dating but it's past that point now. Maybe someone has an approach that might work. But think abt it; if she can't stop for her own health is she going to stop because of you?

Thanks for the reply.

She has talked about it with me and knows i dont like it but I have kind of just brushed it under the rug for the last few times to see how she really is with it. She drove me and her to our date last night bc she knows she cant smoke in my car and wanted to smoke in hers. (I wanted to drive...taking the lead...shouda just told her i was driving, but again, it was good 2 see how many she smoked)

she prob isnt going to change soon now bc there is no consequence to do so. Shes young, there is no immediate effect on her body, and its meeting some sort of need (iv never smoked so again like u said i dont understand this)

I guess i just have to be a fucking man, tell her these are my values, and when she is around me that's how its going to be. but also be willing to work with her on the situation.

thoughts?

Thanks again

Duke

Buy her an electronic cigarette as a gift....... shit works... ive been smoke free for a week now.... without even wanting one

Tell her it bothers you that she smokes. So when you are together she shouldn't smoke. At least not in front of you. And use chewing gums etc to counteract the smell etc.

If she smokes 10 a day, she should be able to hold off smoking when she is with you. I know this because that's what I do with my girlfriend. I never smoke when I'm around her.

One more thing. She will not quit if she doesn't want to. Don't even try to tell her she should quit. You can tell her that you would be happy if she stopped and she has all your support but that's about it.

As an ex-smoker I think telling her not to smoke around you is a bad idea.

She will be craving so bad she won't be able to concentrate and she will be counting down the hours until you leave so she can light up. That's pretty much how smoking works, if you can't do it, then it is all you want to do and you are fucking miserable until you are able to scratch the itch.

I can see that, so what should I do about this? Is this obvious that I should stop seeing this girl? It sucks that smoking is the reason but it is a big deal to me.

Any responses would be great

Thanks,
Duke

I wouldn't recommend a hard next out of the blue. If you're going to next, might as well talk to her about it. She may surprise you and quit. If you don't want to be around her smoking for your health reasons maybe try getting her an ecig. That way it's healthier for you and she can still smoke. Then as the relationship progresses you can see if she quits. My girl doesn't like smoke so I smoked ecigs when she is around. Eventually I stopped smoking regulars because I got used to ecigs.

Hard drug user, daughter of two smokers here...

The only person you can be certain of changing is yourself.

That being said, it is a health issue and you should alert her to your true feelings on the matter before you hard next. Don't hold back on how gross you find it to be. Offering her an e-cig is a good idea, especially one with a good amount of vapor production. Still, there will be a large chance that she won't quit smoking.

You will have to choose whether or not to stay with if she chooses to continue. Everyone has their faults and pitfalls and everyone has their own sensitivities. Only you can make that call. But you should at least give her a heads up as to why you're dumping her.

Dump her. Move on. Chicks are a commodity.

Personally, I kinda like fooling around with smokers. There are A LOT of them out there right? They're gullible, will do anything to be cool, and that oral fixation can only mean one thing and in the bedroom, it does. Some dudes complain about the ash flavor and I say that it tastes like a 'bad girl'.

But really, I am not going to sacrifice my own health and fun just to keep one when there are so many of them out there.