Hobbit. . . let's get this straight. I am the sarcastic bad cop. You are the good cop who suggests to look at the bright side. Chill out man. Lol. . .

Hobbit jacked my thunder but here it is. . . holy shit, you must be dating a psychopath! Here's the typical flowchart. 1. "I'm not going to have sex with you." . . 2. Stab you 47 times with a Santoku while your'e sleeping.

Seriously. . . I see that you like some of the things that I write but I am not sure if you understand it. If you want to be treated like a psycho killer, go kill people. If you want to be treated like a celebrity, be a celebrity. YOU WANT to be a boyfriend. . . then you have to first be a boy. . . but I am not sure if you know what that means so let's get to the tangibles.

How does a "BOYFRIEND" reply to "I am not going to have sex with you." . . . Think about this carefully. Think, think, think, think

"Why did you invite me around then?" = Insecure asshole who got lucky once.
"....." (silence) = Boring insecure asshole who got lucky once.
"You're on the rag? don't worry baby, you have a towel?" = asshole.
"Shit, is your herpes flaring up?" = asshole X2
"Whatever, let's watch a movie." = gay asshole
"Are you alright?" (Massage shoulders) = gay asshole who took a weekend massage seminar.
"__________" = BOYFRIEND.

What is it? What would a fun, happy, content boyfriend say? When you become a fun, happy, content boyfriend, you will do all of this automatically. If you want to be a boyfriend, then forget all the contracts, meetings, and what you think a "boyfriend" should do and do not. Just be a good boyfriend. . .

And when you figure this out. . . you might even wish you did not.

I think you can tell Hobbit's frustration with my journey if I made him turn into the bad cop!

On a serious note though, that's a pretty accurate assessment of my relationship with women in general. But how do I turn Mr. Pride off? It pretty much happens all the time I get close to a woman. This behaviour is pretty much identical to how I started my last relationship - what's wrong with me?
I think the insecure asshole who got lucky is 100% correct, I think I even put I got lucky when I posted about it back in October? I don't think this changes much or what category it comes under but after my "joke" I actually clarified to her that "I'm here because I want to be here, it doesn't really matter if we have sex or not" - at least that was honest at the time. But I'll think some more on this, as I've clearly demonstrated this needs a lot of my attention.

Kasabi can I bring you back to this you said to me:
I did keep doing what I was doing and the only time this stopped was because of when we chatted last weekend, I didn't know how to handle it. She brought up so many grey areas and it just knocked me off track, I couldn't handle it. (Actually this has made me reflect on my behaviour a second, was I doing what I thought was expected of me to get into a relationship?) But also I did get confused thinking that your words meant let her initiate a relationship.

If I paraphrase her words quickly:
- I like what this is I don't want it to end
- I'm not actively looking for anyone else, but if someone else comes along I won't say no
- I'm not against a relationship but I wasn't looking for one

This is such a grey area for me to understand. I need to deal with black and white. So my assumption is here I should have said relationship or nothing?

I think maybe the problem is an internal dilemma of A. Do I want her as a girlfriend or B. I am just desperate for any girlfriend?

Anyway we're not talking at the moment, simply because I can't say the right thing. I may begin my own advice in trying to recreate the vibe that we had going so well and drop the me vs you and let's talk B.S.

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My Journal is thoughts on life game and approaches: artful-roger-journal-vt148980.html

We might have discussed this already but did your parents have a difficult relationship? We tend to "learn" our personalities. . . our loves, fears, etc . . . A LOT more from our parents than most of us like to admit.

F = T*R

Not exactly scientific but here it is: F = Level of fucked. T = Level of trauma. R = Repetition. So you might only need one highly traumatic experience to fuck you up big time. . . but low level of trauma could also lead to big time "fucked" if it's repeated many times over.

Now. . . I am being dramatic of course; this isn't a huge deal. But you learned somewhere/somehow to worry over relationships. You need a contract. You need someone to tell you, "Yes, I love you and I will be here for you forever." - But think about this. This type of contract is the definition of a marriage. People make marriage contracts all the time. They sign papers, look into health claims, check their financials. Hell, they even have legally approved personnel watch over the process. . . and yet, how good are we at honoring these contracts? Statistically, well less than 50% of the population is able to honor this contract; This is a verbal, documented, socially/family approved . . . even spiritually and religiously approved contract and most people can't keep it. Why is it then so important for you to receive a verbal contract?

Read this carefully and think about it carefully. . . a verbal contract will not help fortify a relationship. It will not improve one. The only time when a verbal contracts come into play is after one person cheats, the other can play the "contract card". "HEY! YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME AND THAT I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND! NOW FUCK YOU!" You are baiting for her to fail because you know that breach of contract is the probable result.

Have you witnessed ^this scenario before? And not only will verbal contracts NOT help fortify a relationship, as you recently experienced and probably witnessed before, it tends to fuck shit up. A verbal contract in early stages of relationships is like asking a boxer to guarantee you a win so you can go to the bookies with your paycheck. Can she win? Maybe. Will she try her best? Maybe. Does she like the sport? Maybe. What will she do in the 2nd period? I don't know. Are you with me so far? If so, let's continue with this analogy. If you really want this boxer to win, what should you do instead of asking her all sorts of questions and demanding a guarantee? How about making sure she gets her water bottle. How about making sure she gets a good rest the night before. How about making sure she gets the right pre-game meal. How about offering words of encouragement?

That's right. There are no guarantees but there are steps you can take to improve your odds. Now what if you supported her through 10 fights and she won all 10. . . and you go through the same motions for her 11th fight and you ask her, "Feeling good?" - Yeah, of course she's feeling good. At this point, you could even ask her, "Hey, are you going to win?" - her answer will be _______?

Are you with me so far? Then how do you improve your chances at a good relationship? Take her out and have fun. Listen to her concerns. Address her concerns. Listen for what she likes. . . address them. That's right. . . just BE a "boyfriend".
C. You are desperate for drama. You're replaying what you know. And you know this cycle well enough to know that it's not pleasant.

Actually I was very lucky with my upbringing my parents are still together, and are still very close. I don't remember any big fall outs, and there was certainly nothing that could scar me.
This is more accurate, I think this is probably the reason I seek verbal contracts, this is nail on the head. Going back to the example of growing up, I was probably used to hearing such phrases from my parents one to another.

Ok I get the boxer example and I was pretty sure I was doing that fairly well with the most recent girl but somewhere along that line it fucked up through verbal clarification/contracts as you pointed out. Now that's happened it's wide open, it hasn't ended and it hasn't started again. There's a chance to start it again if we want to.

But I just don't know where to begin if it did, I can do the keep it going vibe, and I can BE the boyfriend it's just when she drops such a grey area on me I struggle, I genuinely don't know how to deal with that. I'm so confused with A. just keep doing what I'm doing i.e. being the boyfriend, or B. Take the lead and tell her where I want this to go. But I don't want to do C. Again, create drama and make no decision and just kill all the vibes that were going good.

These are hardly ever yes or no scenarios. But basically should I expect to fall into a relationship or should I initiate one after I've acted accordingly?

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Actually I was very lucky with my upbringing my parents are still together, and are still very close. I don't remember any big fall outs, and there was certainly nothing that could scar me.
This is more accurate, I think this is probably the reason I seek verbal contracts, this is nail on the head. Going back to the example of growing up, I was probably used to hearing such phrases from my parents one to another.

Ok I get the boxer example and I was pretty sure I was doing that fairly well with the most recent girl but somewhere along that line it fucked up through verbal clarification/contracts as you pointed out. Now that's happened it's wide open, it hasn't ended and it hasn't started again. There's a chance to start it again if we want to.

But I just don't know where to begin if it did, I can do the keep it going vibe, and I can BE the boyfriend it's just when she drops such a grey area on me I struggle, I genuinely don't know how to deal with that. I'm so confused with A. just keep doing what I'm doing i.e. being the boyfriend, or B. Take the lead and tell her where I want this to go. But I don't want to do C. Again, create drama and make no decision and just kill all the vibes that were going good.

These are hardly ever yes or no scenarios. But basically should I expect to fall into a relationship or should I initiate one after I've acted accordingly?

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If so, I retract some of what I wrote. You're just an honest, balanced guy who is living in a World of F ups. What you learned is actually quite beautiful. You grew up with parents who showered each other with the verbal (and probably more) languages of love. You just need to figure out how the rest of us grew up. You have to figure out what 'verbal agreements' mean to others. To most others, verbal contracts are gold when spoken, but worth shit in actions. Think about that the next time you converse with a girl. . .

Also, it seems you are shifting your goals based on events. It's OK if we fail. It's OK if do not achieve. But there's no reason to change our goals towards what we think we can achieve. That is no the point of "goal setting".

These are 2 interesting points, which I haven't played particular attention to - at least not enough. It's about time I address some realistic fears I have and work on them. In all honesty I'm scared of not experiencing enough while I'm young, I'm scared I'll look back and think why did I not do that when I was young and had the chance. For instance I'm scared that if I don't experience enough with different women, whether that be dates/sex/short lived relationships that I'll never know that I got the right "end" girl for me, the happily ever after story (so to speak). At the same time I'm equally scared that I'll miss out on that right now. I think the one thing I'm asking for and looking for now is just basic companionship really, it doesn't have to have an expiry date or anything and I'm not looking for it to develop into moving in together or weddings etc. but I'm just interested in someone's time. I think that's about as honest to the core as I can be with this, but I'm not even sure what the definition is.

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Read through most of the posts. Too much talking about this not enough doing.

Hobbit and kasabi have both pointed you in the right direction. I believe your problem may be inexperience as well. How many girls have you had? How many situations like this have you had?

Are you actually going out proactively and meeting new women? If so how many? Are you doing a lot of approaches? Do you think that if you were to meet another highly attractive woman who's into you you'd be worrying about her so much? You may not want to take the player route, but you do at the same time. You've stated on one hand you'd like to sleep around, and on the other you'd like a girlfriend. But I think you want HER as a girlfriend. If she were taken out of the equation, would you still want a girlfriend?

You are very needy in this relationship, therefore a lot of overthinking about what to do next, what not to do next. Taking control over the girl means taking control over yourself. You are displaying a lot of behaviors that are needy and submissive, however you say you wish to be the man and controlling. You are saying this relationship is giving you headaches...do you think it is giving her the same headaches? Unlikely. She does not want deep talk, you do. She was OK with the situation, you weren't. I think you will have to admit that this relationship, at this point, is not going where you want it to because of your behaviors, and your behaviors are as such because of your lack of experience or maybe a lack of a constant flow of meeting new women. Were you to go out and meet women almost every night, you would feel secure in the fact that you could get another girl, that it will happen again. However you say that you know you could go out, but are you actually? There is a difference between actually doing it and saying you could do it.

I think a lot of questions are answered in this post I was planning to do now so I'll do that and address another things I feel were left out.

So tonight I'm just at home, I've tried to keep myself busy since this thing imploded on me. The problem is I have to stay civil and friendly with her as my roommate (also best friend) is dating her SPAM. I have to admit I don't feel like things have finished between us, but I'm not looking to close that door either.

To recap on what I've been up to:

A friend of mine is moving to France, I went to her leaving party in a pub last Saturday, and I only knew her, I felt like an outsider to be honest. I really didn't want to go, I wanted to mope around the house feeling sorry for myself, but I knew that wasn't good for me. I almost turned back halfway there as there was problems with the tube, but I just forced myself through it. When I got there I was nervous and insecure for an hour but slowly eased up into feeling good and conversation was flowing - it was nice to ease up after being so tense for a while. I'd just finished a conversation and a girl came up to me and we started chatting we both didn't know anyone there, so that was a good icebreaker, she was smart and cute, as we had a great chat about genetics/behaviour (my career) and pharmacology (her career). She told me she came with her boyfriend and this point I felt shot down as we were getting on so well, my disappointment definitely came across in my body language! I wish I'd just asked for her number to be honest, I knew she found me attractive and we got along really well. Fuck it, I'd never see any of them again, wouldn't matter if I was caught out - wish I thought that at the time. Went home feeling better about myself but also slightly disappointed.

I went on a date on Wednesday, I reconnected with a girl I went to school with who moved to London recently. I asked about meeting for coffee and she invited me around for dinner. We had a nice night and a good chat listened to music, and I kissed her at the end of the night. I have to admit I really didn't want to go over because I don't feel ready, but I just forced myself, I just want to be myself again - I was in such good shape mentally before I went out on a limb.

She had a busy weekend so I decided not to contact her anymore and then she got back to me tonight about coming over mine for dinner on Sunday. Hopefully this still stays in tact - she suggested it though.

Interestingly this new girl I'm seeing is a lot better looking and easier to get on with than the one I met before the new year. I think maybe the only reason I like this girl is because of the scarcity of her, she's incredibly difficult to get hold of and she's quite particular about certain things and meeting up, if she's not in the mood she won't at all. So far with this new girl, communication seems easier and it's a lot more chilled out and open. It doesn't feel like I'm standing on egg shells:
I would say this is a pretty accurate statement and analysis of the situation, I wasn't approaching at the time, because I had made myself believe it was something more than it wasn't simply because it was so intensive and we were seeing each other way too much, seeing another person 4 days a week is like 6+ months in a relationship not like the 2 weeks of seeing each other that we were at. It needs to start from zero we need to things together that make sure we actually get on, whether this will happen I don't know.

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My Journal is thoughts on life game and approaches: artful-roger-journal-vt148980.html

So a little update on things:

Nothing developed with the second girl I went out with, not too bothered to be honest.


Due to our SPAM being in a relationship - I saw that girl from december and honestly she seemed totally fine and I felt I had carried the weight of the whole thing, and that weight was just confusion of what had gone on and why it didn't work. Anyway we ended up hooking up again (lol), some might say it was a mistake but the benefit was I actually got to talk to her the next day and we managed to clear the grounds of what had gone on. She was real honest with me about some aspects of her life, her dad died when she was 18, and there's also a history of schizophrenia in her family (didn't ask about genetics etc.), and she suffers from panic attacks often. Anyway she didn't need to tell me these things, and I didn't ask - so genuinely I appreciate her honesty (even told her that), she didn't owe me anything of her background.

Feeling a bit of the emotional pain of that hook up today, I'll be ok in a couple of days I've got some things that need my focus and some forward thinking to move.

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I totally lost who I was in November and December, that is the reason for this implosion. I can handle rejection and I can handle breakups but what this failed romantic venture/hookup/FWB unearthed in me was a great dissatisfaction with myself, I realised that in following through with this I totally lost sight of who I was and I changed a lot about myself to "fit" in with her lifestyle. What this comes down to is realising my self-esteem is actually quite low, and my self-respect and confidence isn't there. I noticed some anxieties appear and I felt like I was constantly qualifying myself to others, I'm afraid to even declare my tastes in music, film, and hobbies to others, there's something fundamentally wrong about that. I became a passenger in my own life, I would always be a reliable person to turn up to events, but they were never mine, I let someone else take the limelight because I was too scared to, it's like I would help someone else live their life better so I didn't have to live mine. I actually found myself living quite a solitary life, all my hobbies and interests cause me to live quite isolated, which obviously has an effect on how I live socially.

I've done a lot of soul searching over this, I'm carrying on with defining my goals, I have a massive project due in for my studies in 5 weeks time, 11000 words so this is imperative I do this well and put my 100% effort into it. And I will also graduate this year as well (July). I'm carrying on with my fitness with losing fat and gaining strength. And I have an opportunity to go into business with someone. The issue here is, as I said earlier these are all solitary hobbies/goals so I need to incorporate something social in here to meet new people, due to psychology being a predominantly female audience, basically all my social groups are women and gays. Even my flat mate is gay, he's my best friend but I'm constantly surrounded by feminine attitudes, so if I wanted to go out on whim on say a Friday for a couple of drinks, and I was to call someone up who'd be up for it, I can't think of one. I have 2 good friends back home which isn't far from London, it just seems I haven't found a good friend to jive with in London, which is really depressing.

So where does this leave me now? Well I guess I'm going to look into something to do that's interesting, where I can meet similar minded people, some society or club. I was thinking of Muay-Thai boxing so far, I've always had an interest in doing it but never pulled the trigger of going to do it, might actually meet some guys to be friends with for once.

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My Journal is thoughts on life game and approaches: artful-roger-journal-vt148980.html

Ok so now I decided I think I actually need to start looking at Pick up from the ground up. I need to look at getting a cheat sheet or "little black book" with openers and closing routines, because these seem to be my problem areas, I have no problem talking and building a connection I'm quite used to meeting new people and being friendly but something I'm not used to doing is approaching in my day-to-day life, I only tend to let things happen naturally where I just end up being approached or conversation happens by chance.

I definitely need to become a valuable male, I somehow think I'm entitled to love/affection and expect it, almost bitterly. I'm also (self-assesed) quite a nice guy so I do a lot of giving, and actually unhealthily expect that same behaviour back, so somewhere along this line I think I'm seeking emotional validation like a pat on the back etc. I think this kind of development only comes from conscious effort and self-esteem building, how that needs to be done I don't really know the specifics of yet - but learning self-respect is something that is vital in this process.

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2 part post this one, a potential and a field report.

1. I went out last night (valentines night) I got an invite from an old work friend who invited me down to meet everyone at the pub. Got there for 6pm and hit the drink pretty hard, was quite up for a big night to be honest. Anyway the girl that invited me, was newly single and I've always had a bit of a thing for her, but never really acted on it, anyway her ex is still interested but apparently has some problems to sort out in his personal life and she won't go back to him unless he sorts that out (no idea what, don't care too much). But I know if I want her then I need to act now, she's a girl I'd know would be great in a relationship, which is what I'm interested in getting from her, how to execute this I don't know exactly, but we've always had great chemistry so hopefully just escalating will do the trick. I'm doing an open mic night performance on Sunday next week (23rd) and she's coming along, I know this isn't often the case to do it, but I think just basically stating my intentions is the only way I can do this simply because I can't think of another time I'll see her after this Sunday coming.


2. I went out to hopefully get somewhere with ^that girl, but she went home early as she's trying to move house and shot off. So a friend and I carried on the party as everyone dwindled off, and we hit a bar in Putney, I was exercising my opener muscles by just dropping a few comments to a few different chicks, no real successes until I opened with something crap at the bar to this one chick and she started talking to me, introduced her friends to me and we spoke for a few minutes. I used a technique where I knew she was interested in chatting more but I left the conversation prematurely, but I left an open invitation to join me and my buddy...and 5mins later she did, she came back over to chat, so we did for a few minutes, I spoke to all 3 girls equally and lead the whole conversation quite well. My buddy, left! So I was on my own with these 3 for a bit, so I just carried on chatting to them, and it went well, they wanted to hang with me all night, they wanted to go somewhere else so I suggested a bar down the road so we jumped, and it was dead, one friend was bored of drinking and just left without saying bye to anyone!

We went back to the first bar because it was picking up inside, and this is when I knew this girl was into me, because I was escalating things, holding her hand between venues, and touching more like a girlfriend, it took a while to get a kiss close but I eventually did it after about an hour of hanging around with her, I tried a few times as well, but I was just able to get close and hold it there until she kissed back. At this point her friend was doing me a massive favour by constantly telling her to not stay out, and come home soon, then when she left kept texting her to come home. Brilliant if you tell someone they should not do/think of something it's all they can think about. So

We tried to bounce venue once again, and went to a club that was pretty grimey, the entrance fee was £12 and we both didn't have that on us to get in. So we went back to that same bar, that had a dance floor thriving then, so we grabbed a drink and hit that, I was spinning her round and kissing her, we were having a great time. At this point she wanted to go home, so I said invited her back to mine for a drink, told her the selection of drinks at home. She was unsure, and umming and arring, so I just led her to my bus stop, and the bus came so I said "let's just get on we'll be at mine in an hour, but if you don't want to let's just get off in central London, it's 24hrs round there and we'll grab another drink." She got on the bus with me, and we went straight back to mine and we hooked up.

Although on the bus it wasn't that simple, as she was shit testing me loads, "about will I see her again?" "every other guy I've met has just never spoken to me again, despite saying they will" and other girl self doubt, I deflected these in an honest manner and agreed with her on most occasions. Although she did say something like "do you want to see me again?" And I basically said yes, but I didn't mean it, so I actually feel really bad about that. She was a real sweet girl, and honest too, probably a little bit too nice, so easy to take advantage of as probably a lot of guys have. Got her number but honestly don't feel an urge to see her again.

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My Journal is thoughts on life game and approaches: artful-roger-journal-vt148980.html

Well done!

Take those muay thai boxing classes. I started boxing a month ago and my physical condition is already better, can`t imagine what it would be in 6 months if I don`t quit first.

I highly recommend you to read both The power of now by Tolle and The peaceful warrior by Millman.

Also meditate everyday, or as often as you can. 3 times a week, I don`t care.

Pay attention to the present moment, you are not your past nor your future. You are this moment. You are the now; when you grasp this concept fully, you`ll realize you never stopped being you. Your behaviour never defined you, not for a particular girl nor for a particular move.

Also Imma take a wild step here and recommend you not to hook up with this girl again for a while. If you can, not even seeing her. Time to focus. Don`t waste it.