| Hi, my name is Cruces, I'm (obviously) new here.
I would like to tell you a bit about me, why I'm here, what problems I am facing.
On one hand, yes, I really feel the need to talk to somebody, but mostly I hope to find solutions and "a way to go".
Bear with me, I hope it doesn't get too long.
So I'm 22 years old now, a student of medicine, born and raised (and still living) in Germany.
I have always been a loner, very introverted, had crushingly low self-esteem and went through some serious depressions in my teens. I fled into worlds of computer games and series, and I'm still addicted to watching every episode of every show I like (about 20, mostly adult cartoons and sitcoms).
After having been to therapy and even medicated I went to take an IQ-test - that moment changed my life. Turns out I am highly intelligent, intellectually gifted.
It helped me so much to know that - I finally saw that I was actually worth something and not just a waste of space, that my everlasting weirdness and the feeling of being an "alien" among people was something often shared by other gifted people.
It made my pretty cocky (not arrogant though), I felt well and began making my first real friends with 15, and even had my first girlfriend then.
My cockiness seemed to be pretty attractive, I used a lot of sarcasm and still was called "the guy to talk to about any problem whatsoever". Many many girlfriends followed within a short time span.
Why so many? Not quite voluntarily. My initially fascinating "different" attitude quickly lost appeal, and beneath it, I was hard to talk to (one gf actually had to teach me to "talk simple", so that she wouldn't have to ask me to explain my "complicated words") and hard to have fun with. I just don't know what to talk about to other people. More to that later on.
After our equivalent of high school, I began studying law for a year, but quit it and begun medicine instead, which suits me a lot better and, to this day, still fascinates me and makes me happy.
I grew up to be very fit and look rather attractive (so I've been told; I'm just coming to terms with it, having hated myself and my looks for at least the first 20 years of my life).
But here's my problem: The old stuff came back, hard. I feel like an alien again, and being surrounded by smart people, I'm not special any more in that regard. But I find it extremely difficult to make any kinds of contacts. Any friends I have here are the few guys I share ONE passion with: weed.
Apart from that, I have no idea what to talk to to people. The few interesting conversations I had which were more then just about weather and uni revolved around deep philosophical and social questions, Heisenbergs uncertainty principle and determinism, utilitarianism and trans-humanism, stuff like that.
Logically, very few people are interested in that.
Watching Big Bang Theory, I really DO find Sheldons "useless knowledge" fascinating.
I have no idea what a Kardashian is on the other hand (all right - some celebrity, but that's it), no interests in watching sports or similar "popular" topics.
I am very interested in art, culture, fashion, design, almost every science, psychology, philosophy.
I overcame my social anxiety a long time ago and usually act very extroverted, despite my opposite nature.
Still, people feel uneasy around me (and I around them), the topics apparently go "too deep" and are too hard to follow and have fun with. So I relapsed into sitting alone at home, stoned, watching something to forget about my loneliness.
Self esteem drops again.
I split up from my last long relationship, having been unhappy for most of the time, but too afraid to be alone.
In retrospective, I discovered I have always been a "nice guy (tm)". Trying to help in everything and always be the perfect boyfriend, expecting the same in return. Apparently, this is common for people with low self esteem, trying to make up for it with actions.
It's also apparently not very attractive, she indirectly stated that I was "un-manly", our sex life was terrible, we shared few interests. She clung to me, I clung to the idea of not being alone.
Long story short - I desire to be more fun to be with. And I also really want to get laid more, having never had a one-night-stand, instead a series of involuntarily manipulative, unsatisfactory relationships.
And I don't even know where to look for such girls, everywhere I go people seem to be more restrictive (maybe I should try less intellectual communities?)
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