I'm new on the sight and I have some questions to the real and would be experts (excuse my typing, English is not my native language)

I'm afraid I could be characterised as an AFC. I've had some successes on the ladies front, but not as many as I wish. My biggest game looser is my inability to stay emotionally unattached as long as I should. Once the girl understands that she is important to me the power shifts and I too often find myself on the defensive. Some girls will try to take advantage of this (something I've learned the hard way to avoid), but most (the nice ones) just loose interest and just set me loose like a cute kitten before the play has even started to get rough.

To hide my emotions would be the obvious answer. But that's very difficult; so I mostly score with females that I'm not really interested in. Frustrating!!! I too often find myself at the receiving end of LJBF. How the hell do I turn this 'round when it happens (and I know, I shouldn't let it happen in the first place). Any thoughts? What should be my response? I think this is a pretty normal problem and there must be a simple strategy to counter this problem with a relatively good success rate.

Cut her loose? Say "sure" and give her space? How much space for how long? How to reinitiate contact and spark the attraction she had in the beginning of our interaction before I got emotional (and kind of weak)? I'm a fairly intelligent and well educated guy with good looks etc. How would a pro handle this (except to next her). I live in a rural area and need to take care of the opportunities that arrives.

Thoughts, ideas, reflections?

DHV and social proof.

The one get out of pussy-purgatory card is the ability to have your value displayed, publicly.

That means hanging out with beautiful people, being vibrant and active and fun. This kind of stuff really resonates with girls because it triggers a weird feeling of A. Maybe I missed out or B. Why isn't he like that with ME?

I think the most important thing in this equation is to HAVE FUN. You can bullshit your way through hanging with certain people and popping bottles at a club, but what the women will see is that you are secure and fun to be around. People can see fake "fun."

So get your mind right and start having fun and getting involved so you have some visibility. Instead of going through and trying to strategically re-contact, you need to create a "permission" so to speak so its not desperate sounding when you do. And the best case scenario of course is to build so much value that the girls are reconnecting with YOU.

Good luck man.

[quote="RiRi"]DHV and social proof.

The one get out of pussy-purgatory card is the ability to have your value displayed, publicly.


Your answer rings through and makes a lot of sense...

I do some online dating, but I find most of the girls online rather uninteresting. Sometimes I stumble upon a gem thou. I had it going real nice (I'm usually quite witty) until I sent her a stupid joke about what her fetishes were. What I was trying to communicate was that the conversation wasn't that important too me, it backfired. She got kind of pissed of and I messed up by apologising for the joke and what have you. The momentum in the conversation changed after that and when we met up for a coffee things were kind of on her terms, which made me even more nervous.

She lives a three hours drive from me and I'm only heading up there about once a month for seminars. I do not have a lot of opportunities to hang out with or around her. The date was not too bad and I got a few IOIs. Afterword she sent me a message that it was nice meeting me, but "that she had been thinking and that she perhaps had started to develop feelings for a friend and that she therefor felt it wrong to continue the communication with me, and that she felt bad about it", we could be friends etc. Now this is a typical situation for me. The girlfriends I have gotten is by being a complete ass, but that's not me, and I cant be an ass halfway, I get nervous and I make mistakes (like apologizing for affronts).

My answer to her message was basically that it's ok, no reason to feel bad, nice meeting you and good luck. I also said that perhaps we could hang out as friends sometime I was in her town.

Now as a pro you must shake your head. Is there any way to turn around this debacle? I was thinking of waiting like three months to let her forget everything, contact her and go out as friends where I get the chance to kind of start over. I can play it smart under the right conditions, the ideal place is a museum or perhaps a mall. She like me as a person and I'm sure she'll meet up. But I don't know anyone in her town and it makes it difficult to show social proof and DHV.

Some advice would be appreciated

I see that you're fishing for what you WANT to hear, but ur gonna have to confront reality for a second.

Women are remarkably clear when it comes to deciding whether you are fuckable or not…thus, whether you are dateable or not.

There are many factors when women make this decision, but the decision is made fairly quickly on the basis of things like looks, status, manner, tone etc. So the main focus for you should be on how to act on a first date, rather than how to rekindle some far away assumption you have that because time passes and she forgets about your bumbling, that she’ll take you back. That’s not realistic.

Look man, if she’s telling you that she has feelings for a friend, I would just assume that she was just bullshitting you. She made it extremely clear that she is not interested in you sexually, so much so that she had to come out and tell you, presumably to keep you at bay and not get your hopes up. THAT LAST THING SHE WANTS, is for you to contact her again and assume something is going to happen. It won’t man. If anything, you are going to look even more AFC and your confidence will hit rock bottom. If theres a door and a brick wall, don’t you want to bypass the forehead into the brick wall and use the door? Stop running into the same wall that denied you before, you know what I mean?

I understand that it’s a small town and its not easy to just jump into the scene and start creating a social circle. I understand. However, the idea that time will heal is incorrect in this context 99% of the time. You can choose to focus on the 1% exception to the rule, but its 99% certain you will not get the result you want. So its time to change shit up.

How about joining some social circles for sports, art, yoga…ANYTHING that will help you meet more people. Your problem right now is that the pickings are slim in the small town so you end up amplifying 1 little interaction with a girl. You put too much weight on it because you think its your only chance. And that’s a weak stance. Start looking up clubs and groups to join. Shit, even pottery or knitting is better than doing NOTHING. Plus, it’s the real world, not dating. The real world experience will translate well to your dating game because you get practice interacting with people, even if its not on a date. Everything you do is practice anyways, so do more of it!

Now, its easy to come up with excuses for stuff like this and to rationalize why things aren’t the same in your situation, but you have to look at all of this and think I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. It can be anything man, just anything other than doing nothing, or chasing after women who don’t want to be with you. Get any negative thoughts and rationale out of your head, you are not the only one with this problem. But the difference is in whether you start moving forward and progressing, instead of sitting around on the treadmill torturing yourself.

Good luck and get out there and do something!

I know you'r right, It's a 1% chance. I had the wrong attitude from the get-go. I remember a similar situation some years ago when I was a student where I screwed up even worse, and the girl actually turned 'round. Don't know what hit her. Probably the fact that her friend was kind of interested in me. Alcohol may also have played a small part in her decision-making.

When it comes to the "fallen in love with a friend" I know it's probably BS to let me go easy. I'm not too hooked up on this. It's just that it makes me sick that I could act so completely against my better judgement. It kind of worries me actually that I get so easily thrown off course. I didn't screw things completely up as your answer seems to imply, just enough to get fenced into the wrong pasture.

From now on I'm going to go by Benjamin Disraelis maxim: Never complain, never explain. If she doesn't get my fetish joke, then it's her bad. As long as I don't kill her cat or boil her rabbit I've got nothing to apologize or explain.

The worst part is that I actually wouldn't mind too just be friends with her. I haven't come of as pathetic, just a bit too eager and apologetic, I'm not completely without self restrain and self respect. And she's actually kind of a cool gal. I'm going to contact her anyway when time comes, got nothing too loose. In some months everyone have cooled of (including me). And there might also be some cultural differences in play here that I'm not going to get into.

I have to work on my nerves and keep on track from now on. Don't go all weak just because of some minor friction.

When it comes to these sights they are very interesting, but the lingo is completely ridicules. What is wrong with the American educational system? I see a lot of children left behind here, especially on the chat room. But I regress...

Thank you for your wise words RiRi.

And yes RiRi, i'll go looking for some new tail...