first off: merry x-mas to all of you!

heres the situation: i have been seeing this girl since beginning of november. from the beginning she was totally into me, she also had some inferiority issues (i am rather muscular, and she once adressed the issue why i was dating a girl like her, that isnt that sporty)..

we had sex a couple of times, all was good, until the first time/few times (?) i had intercourse with her which was at a later stage. she obviously enjoyed it, but i could notice that she started avoiding getting sexual with me from then on..e.g: she would be very pro-active kissing me on the lips, but not kissing in a sexual manner.

the next 4 times we met, i sort of tested her, to see whether she would initiate something sexual and she never did. it was completely akward, as she is very affectionate, very proactive in getting in touch / wanting to meet me, wants to introduce me to her friends, kisses me/shares affection towards me infront of them- but all ends as soon as things get sexual. if i initiate sex, then she kinda lets it happen - but its not more than that.

so a 2 weeks ago i adressed this issue (lack of sex / sexuality) and she responded by saying that part of it could be that she has feelings of guilt because of her ex, who is in a bad state because he has troubles getting over her, she however doesnt want him back, her guilt comes from being happy with me, whilst he is in a bad shape (they dont have regular contact). the second thing she brought up are trust issues, she claims she has been led on in the past and that we dont know each other that much yet for much trust to have been established. she also brought up that the amount of affection (non-sexual) she is showing is a clear indication from her side how much she wants to spend time with me/date me , whilst sex however is something that "can be found anywhere/around the corner" and thus plays no essential role to her currently, that what we are sharing is more intemate than sex and that she is contempt with the affection we are sharing currently and therefore didnt realise that there was a problem.

thoughts?

Don't be fooled or braindwashed by all her bullshieeeeet. Are you a man? Are you fine with being her girlfriend like the girl that you are without getting sex without going trough trouble to get it? Are you fine that she is feeling guilt for someone else while being with you and have the nerve to use that as a excuse not to be horny for you?

Dont accept this man, put your foot on the ground. Tell her this as manly as possible. " I expect sex, no guilt feelings bullsh1t. your my girl and I want you to feel horny for me like my girl should." Done. have the balls, throw it to her.

Normally this should be done without saying, but your girl is giving alot stupid talk around that I wouldnt even listen to.

If she doesnt accept/agree and comes up with her stupid stories again, just be like "okay go back to your ex ill find someone that enjoys me." Not hard right?

Smells like ASD.

I think it is fair, to an extent, to have a "grace period" following a long (and emotional?) relationship.

However, for somebody who is worried about her ex having issues, she's easily able to do all the more intimate things in a relationship like cuddling, introducing to friends etc. Combine that with her worry that she could be "used" and I see a whirlwind of confusion in her life. She doesn't know what she wants yet she's taking all the affection she can get from you. In a way, YOU are getting used, albeit inadvertently (hopefully).

I don't know that there is a perfect diagnosis for this, but the truth is that you guys are at different phases at the moment. You are sexually attracted (and mentally right?) yet she is satisfied with some cuddling and "relationshippy" activities.

Regardless of whether you are getting played or not, it doesn't look good. The more you think about the sex and the more she notices, the more her ASD is going to go up.

If she's that important to you, I say stick around for a bit longer and see how things evolve. But if it seems like you are getting shoved into the friend zone, then phase yourself out.

The boyfriend excuse is bullshit. You can feel pity, concern and love for somebody that isn't doing very well but rarely will that manifest in a moment of YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. I'm amazed at her compassion for his situation if she is indeed feeling guilty, but I doubt that's really the case.

thanks for the advice! it woud be too late for asd, as she was sexual at the beginning when we werent that intemate emotionally, she even brought a condom along to a clubbing once, just in case we would shag somewhere there.. but if its not the ex, i agree with your argument, then whats the reason for this fuss, given that in terms of attration/physical match, she is into me?

is it avoiding getting into a relationship/comitting or something else?

Anti-Slut-Defense

The "I don't want to feel like a slut" defense mechanism of blaming extenuating factors...or just a case of them overthinking a situation.

It's the guys job to soften the slut landing so to speak. Clumsy dudes tend to spark the ASD, leaving the scene with blue balls.

it woud be too late for asd, as she was sexual at the beginning when we werent that intemate emotionally, she even brought a condom along to a clubbing once, just in case we would shag somewhere there..

i have somehow have the feeling that she has issues comitting, for whatever reason..

My guess is she still has feelings for her ex. They broke up, she slept with you, sometime her feelings for him popped back and so now she is pulling back the sex not the feel like a slut. Regardless she is thinking about her ex as she has said. The trust issues too, make sense why she has stopped the sex. She probably has gotten used and this "relationship" is probably similiar to her past experiences so she wants to slow down the sex and go slow.It's a tough situation because I can't see a good outcome. You could slow things down and then eventually when she trusts you, she will be open for sex. Or you could slow things down and the whole thing fizzles. Or you can give an ultimatum, and she could submit and sex is back on, or she could take this as confirmation you just want sex and walk away.

Is she really into you though?

If she was into you physically, we wouldn’t be having this discussion no?

I think, in the end, it’s a combination of her just being confused and not knowing what she wants, combined with the confusion that you are feeling in regards to how to deal with her.

The result is a bit half-baked right? You want sex, she isn’t feeling it at the moment, you are wondering why, yet she wants the feeling of support and affection, you still are wondering why she won’t have sex with you. Sometimes its all timing, man. And the timing for this one seems to be a bit off, thus the confusion.

Simply speaking: YOU want sex to be a bigger part of this relationship, she wants love/affection.

Your concern regarding sex (which she didn’t see as an issue) may have pushed (or is pushing) her away because what SHE wants right now.

@neo87 - maybe you are right and its a mix of all..its just that riri is right: most of the stuff we are in fact doing, is more intimate than sex, so if she should feel guilty towards the ex, then it would be because of that and not the sex she is avoiding..

and you are right with the options, its really hard, to pick the right one..

she is into me physically, no doubt abou that. at the beginning she considered me "out of her league" due to my physique. whenever we went to a clubbing she said that the other gals would be jealous and she can shoof off with me, she also shows my pics to her friends when i am not around..

so its not about not being a match, its about her being extremely asexual toward me.

How long was the old rs and when did it end?

I agree with Riri, but 2 add' points:

1. Maybe she wants to go slower because you're out of her league. Her words mentioning trusts signals she may not fully believe you like her and wouldn't just use her for sex
2. Maybe their is insecurity body wise on her part. You have a better physique. Is she chubby? Another aspect could be she's not comfortable being naked. Just a thought

I think you're missing the point. If she was into you physically, she wouldn't be asexual towards you.

Are there other issues contributing to this? Yes. Can you say that she absolutely wouldn't sleep with anybody if you weren't in the picture? No.

And because somebody sees you as aesthetically pleasing doesn't necessarily mean there is sexual chemistry.

ANYWAYS, the issue at hand seems to be more of a mental one..and you may not make her feel comfortable sexually as you could.

So the question now is, are you willing to wait a bit and see how it plays out?

her relationship ended in june, not sure how long they were together, i think around a year. all i know is that it never really worked between them and that she started cheating him in the end. she wants him to be a part of her life, but its not possible, because he has problems getting over her, so they hardly have /have no contact.

i am rather muscular, invest a lot of my time in my physique. she has a beautiful face and i would say average physique, not super slim, but also not chubby. she adressed this physique-issue the first time we went to a club, claiming that the other girls might think "whats he doing with her?"- in half jest.

she also has a girlfriend who i know by chance from the past who always wanted to date me, but who i always avoided. that girl is sporty. so once that girl found out that we were dating, apparantly she also said something along the line of: whats he doing with you? i think its rather absurd, given she is an attractive woman, but thats what happened apparently.

i dont know how much of this really is an issue and how much of this is factoring in though.

i think there is a misunderstanding here. all i am stating is that the reason for the asexuality is not that she doesnt consider me attractive/her type. of coure there always can be the factor of sexual chemistry, but given how the sex was at the beginning, i dont think this is the issue at hand.

i will probably observe how the next three dates go and if there is zero action from her side, i will have to state more clearly that this wont progress/continue without any sex, but that we can stay friends

1. You are always going to have to be the one who initiates sex.

2. She's got buyers remorse... OR you have turned into a needy little chode and she's turned off by it now.

when people get buyers remorse they usually start getting distant and avoid intimacy, bot not the case here. concerning being needy: not even a bit, she is more invested in our dating; getting in contact, arranging our dates etc.