I apologize for the long rant. But I don't come on this forum until I have something to rant about. As such, any read and responses are extremely appreciated. I also welcome personal attacks and criticism, as well as brutally honest advice. S'why I always come back here. Besides, I did try to throw some caustic humor in the past paragraph.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 7 months. The big problem is that she seems to have no passions in life. She has a few interests, yet makes little effort to involve me in them besides ask that I show to events. She seems to spend much of her free time floating about the internet; social media, funny pictures, memes, mini games, fan fiction, what have you. All of that "ADD Generation" nonsense. I admit, I can peruse youtube and random websites for awhile, but I always have a focus. She does not. She does attempt to get into my interests (such as guitar and gaming) but bores quickly, with the same response every time "I really enjoy doing it with YOU". In fact, at first we enjoyed playing an online game together while we were apart over the summer. I was very excited to have a quality woman who would ALSO play video games with me! However, weeks after the distance ended, getting her to play took "only if you use your laptop and sit next to me". Even during times when I think her interest is piqued (we're currently playing Magic The Gathering) she typically appears bored/uninterested in whatever I'm talking about. I'm talking about details, strategies, things we could do together, and she stares into space and adds the occasional agreement when appropriate. This is not just one or two hobbies of mine. This is everything. She rarely has anything non-superficial to talk about. We're both nerds, its no lie - for example, she plays Dungeons and Dragons every sunday with some friends. However, she NEVER brings it up in conversation, nor invites me or tries to involve me.

Since the thrill of "new relationship" began to wore off, I began to look for things we truly had in common. I.E. would we still be good friends without the sex? I believe not enough people in relationships ask this question. See> awful marriages.

Furthermore, she seems to consistently put the needs of others before her own. In particular, her family. She has full conversations via text with her grandmother EVERY SINGLE DAY, and her mother several times a week. She's 20 years old, and in her third year at college 90 minutes from home. No matter what is going on, she will always text her mother/grandmother back within seconds (thankfully not during sex!). When she goes home, she becomes the maid. She is chastised for not correctly doing her family's laundry, and her mother lives in a small filthy home. The first time I visited there, it was made clear to me that the family had spent hours cleaning the main living areas so that the house was presentable. Her mother is overweight, lazy, works part time, and believes everything in life is up to fate and chance. My girlfriend denies these qualities, being an HB9.5, an excellent student, and hard worker. Yet, apples never fall far from trees.

What prompted this post - we had previously discussed me spending christmas day with her family. While an hour and a half from my family, I agreed as my family does their get-togethers on the eves. Let me give you a synopsis of our conversation this morning:

Me: "So, lets figure out exactly what's happening christmas day. I'll meet you at your grandmas about 3pm, we'll spend the day there and then I"ll drive us back to my apartment that night so we can spend some time alone together."
Her: "Oh... I didn't tell you, I'm staying at my grandpa's house that night, I promised because I haven't been able to see him lately. You're welcome to visit, and I could possibly talk him into letting you stay."
Me: "Ahh... I could possibly visit after, but staying is a bad idea considering I've never met him before."
Her: "Yeah, I thought so."
Me: "Well you have three days off this week, isn't there another day you could see him?"
Her: "No, not really. I already promised that night."
Me: "Okay, I understand. Let me guess, you're working January 1st too?"
Her: "Actually, I always take the 31st and the 1st off every year. It's my grandpa's birthday, and every year I stay at his house."
Me: "Uh-huh... well my new years plans always involve shacking up with my current lady love, sometimes at my place but usually trashing a hotel somewhere." (said in a flirty/playful manner)
Her: "Oh, I wish I could hun... but I can't. Besides, grandpa doesn't have that much time left." (terminally ill)

On top of this, I should mention that last week I drove over 3 hours wednesday night to pick her up, bring her to my apartment, only to drive her back the next day for christmas shopping and alleged plans the following friday with her high school friend. She ended up convincing me to stay the evening, then admitted just before bed that she hadn't even made plans with said friend yet. Who ended up not being able to in the end.

Conclusion
This series of events has gotten me feeling taken for granted. About the lacking passion, I've talked to her about it twice now, both times she sat silent and started crying as I detailed the problem. About the family, she doesn't seem to see any real problem with it. Right now, she's a hardworking HB9; if she becomes her mother, she'll be a lazy, dirty, overweight aimless blob who believes everything happens from luck or chance. They both work together as managers at their local grocery store.

I'm not really sure what the fuck to do. I know that things like independence and identity take time, and she does insist she doesn't want to be like her mom. I won't every say "me or your family". But her family is so wildly different than mine, I have trouble seeing this ending well. I will likely talk to her, causing her to cry and hurt her feelings, but I don't know what else to do. Its really not worth breaking up over, is it? All I know is I can't, in good conscience, be driving 3+ hours just to see her and her family every week. My apartment, a hotel room, hell even my parents house, I can relax in a clean environment with plenty of opportunity for intimacy and privacy. My parents have never disturbed me when my girlfriends were over. Her whole family is the "barge into your room any time I feel like it" type, particularly annoying when I'm skyping/on the phone with her. I just want to scream "this is my time! tell them to fuck off!" but she always entertains them. SOME improvement, such as resistance when her brother does it, but that's about it. I hate being in her mother's house - it's filthy. Her grandmothers' is immaculate, yet the old bird has empty nest syndrome like no other. I think grandpa died long ago... some shambling lifeless shell walks around that looks like him...

Sorry to hear about all this dude.

Just want to ask a question - what would you actually like to happen, realistically, if all this got sorted out ?

First of all she is 20. Attached to the family. This is not a surprise nor should be a big deal. Also plans about christmas should not be a big deal.

Now the stuff about her family can be annoying. Simply talk to her about the stuff what you wrote her about them not giving you privacy.

Also I haven't really seen anything positive written down about your relationship so you might wanna ask yourself if this is worth it, but I think you did that already and know the answer.

About taking you for granted. As long you drive to hers and take her everywhere this will remain as it is. Tell her you expect her to put effort in and if she can't get her ass on a bus/train then you won't meet her.

2 things come to my mind when I read your post. First you are accepting to drive these crazy distances for her, so its all on you, not on her, you make a choice when you step in that car, don't go regretting it later like a wussy. Either dont do it, or dont complain. Second, you are acting very clingy about seeing her and having private time with her.. dont you have better stuff to do? Be with your family at new years eve? Or even with friends , which could be alot more fun? See her on the 1/2/3/4th? what does it matter? you're creating problems over nothing, which is what girls normally do. Also the filth, its not your house, so if you think that she wont be as dirty when you live together, forget what thefuck her parents house looks like, you won't be living there.

Sorry if im harsh, this is what came to my mind when I read your post. good luck

First, I don't mean to sound harsh but just calling it as I see it. This is all YOU.

First point:
You're 29, ex military and graduated and in a relationship with a 20 yr old. What did you expect? Of course her family isn't going to give her privacy like yours would, of course she isn't going to be as independent, of course she isn't going to be on the same level maturity wise. I'm 26 and if I date a 22 year old, I can feel that we're on different levels of maturity (it's natural), hence I won't date a 22 yr old seriously, let alone a 20 yr old at 29. You're expecting a 29 yr olds way of thinking from a 20 yr old. You chose to get serious with her. This is what happens when you date a 20 yr old. If you're thinking about marriage or children, she's not going to be mentally ready for that for a while as well

Second point:

You sound clingy. I mean it's the holidays...let her see her family and relax. If you can be included fine, but if not it's not a big deal. People are going back and forth during xmas and you're pressuring her to include you. She aint fucking someone at grandpa's house so just relax. Let her do the family thing and miss you more.

In conclusion, you're thinking way too far down the road. You look at her family and their house as a gauge of how she may be when she is older. This means you're thinking about being in this for a while. That's not a bad thing; you're 29. But she's not going to be on the same page;she's 20. She's enjoying life. Hence you shouldn't be dating a 20 yr old seriously in the first place as your not going to be at the same place in life. You're dating a child and expecting her to behave as an adult. If you want someone with their own place, find an older woman.

Thanks for all of the replies! I agree with pretty much everything being said so far. To the poster who mentioned about me not detailing what is good about the relationship, my post was already long enough. Everything about the age, is true. One thing going against it is we both are ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I have been sober for 18+ months, and she refuses to ever drink or do drugs. She also seems like her family's "caretaker", doing everyone's laundry and cleaning up after them. This has caused her to mature in some ways well beyond any of the previous 20ish's I've "dated". She is much more the "quiet, nice girl" than the "party girl", yet time will only tell. This is why I see her as more of an adult than most girls her age. Needless to say, it's my perception. In my current dating pool of undergrads in a small college town, she comes out on top when considering girlfriends.

Neo, your reply was very constructive and definitely something I needed to hear. I have no plans to get married or have children for several years; I want to solidify my career first. Her and I have talked about this and the future often, and we seem to be the same page. When it comes to the holidays, she was pressuring me to see her family for christmas day, even telling me that her family members got me presents. I made the mistake of assuming that afterwards I would be able to spend some alone time with her. I'm not worried about her screwing around, at least, but I'm glad you addressed it. There's no suspicious behavior to support that kind of paranoid jealousy, nor would I even be very upset were it true. But of course, it is something I think about.

I didn't realize I was being quite that clingy at the time, but even before I came back on here I was telling myself a lot of what's been said. I am withdrawing my push to see her or spend time with her, and more on seeing my own friends and family. I will still visit her and her family for christmas day; I planned on this because my family celebrates on the eve. However, I will not insist on seeing her for the rest of break, and if and when she wishes to see me I will tell her it's her turn to visit me. If there's a will, there's a way. She has found ways in the past. I put myself in her position - if I had a SO with free time who was willing to do all the driving to see me, then I wouldn't make much effort to visit them myself. It's time for me to get busy, and let her miss me more. Excellent advice.

As for New Years, Holidays, family and friends... it's usually not a good time for me. I've never liked going out for New Years, my friends are sparse, and my family quickly becomes tiresome with all drama and overindulgence. However, I'm not without options, and will exercise them. I would prefer to see her, but even as I was typing the topic, mental alarms started going off (aka I'm being a little bitch again). I will respect her relationship with her family, and when she pushes for me to "merge" with them I'll be honest about my stance on the matter.

AFC to the max - 100% spot on. Very insightful.

And lastly, my end goal is having my own family. After honeymoon phases with girls end, I spend a lot (probably too much) of thought and energy evaluating their long term potential. Examining past and current behavior, values, personalities, and if it wasn't obvious their families to see how they were raised and who their role models are. As I said, I subscribe to the idea of apples not falling far from trees, so when I see such a wild difference between a girl and her mom I have to ask questions. My girlfriend is a skinny HB9, intelligent, a diligent student and worker, has a great sense of humor, and absolutely adorable. The sex is excellent, and she's a fast learner. She takes interest in what I like to do, I actually like her friends, and my friends like her. The only thing she seems to have in common with her mom is being warm and caring. As mentioned before, her mom keeps a filthy house (think animal shit everywhere filthy), is quite overweight, and has no professional motivations or interests besides hoarding clutter. She sees little value in hard work, and views success as something determined by luck. The number of stories you hear about people NOT turning out like their parents are extremely rare, even if they are motivated to not be like them.

Regardless, the responses in this topic have helped, and eased my mind somewhat. I'm more sure of what I should be DOING, which includes a bit less THINKING and a little more LIVING.

If there's anything I'm still failing to recognize or address, please tell me.

For a start you're too old for her and secondly she finds you boring and seems to like being around her family and friends more than be with you. If I were you I'd stop sniffing around young girls and meet someone mature enough who you can be an adult with or do you prefer little girls that you think you can manipulate and control. She's not that into you and sees you as someone in the background she can see when the mood takes her. Even your sex life sounds as dull as fuck.

Meet someone your own age dude and stop making a complete fucking arse of yourself running around telling her what to do, what's gonna happen next, who's spending Xmas with who. Her grandpa is very ill, she seems close to her family and friends and quite frankly you are just THERE like a pain in the butt who won't call it a day. Move on buddy. Judging her family the way you do is so patronising as well. Young girls have far more important things to be getting on with than you whining about hotel rooms you want to book for a bit of sex. You also seem to crucify her for all her faults and the big fantasies in your head about marriage etc always seem to be you focusing on the girl and what she does wrong or how she isn't behaving the way you want her to but it seems you have no insight about yourself whatsoever or how you are behaving, what your bad points are etc. At 29 you seem bloody immature.

Act your age, finish it with her nicely and just fucking move on. She needs a young lad to hang around with not her fucking whiney father ie YOU.

I love this guys posts. Lolol

Lol, always posts made by Digital_Spy are either funny and/or full of rage. This time though, he has made some very valid points.

Do you expect her to quit over her FAMILY and choose you (boyfriend of 7 months) who doesn't seem to genuinely care about her (the person not the body). We Greeks have a saying, "when you marry someone you also marry their family". I know other cultures also have this saying but just pointing it out for its truthfulness.

You either accept her for what she is (a person who deeply cares for her family) and stop bashing her and start becoming more supportive (as a man) or you exit this relationship in good faith before anyone gets their feelings hurt (and get a new girlfriend suited to your tastes, whatever they are).

I can tell you some things that are solid facts in MY opinion.

These type of girls hardly cheat on their boyfriends. They spend their time with family and value the principles of taking care of their beloved ones. Just as they do so to their families, they tend to value their relationships highly. They have no passions because they get rapped up in education (school/university/work) and their main goal is to perform well in order to excel in life.

Driving 3 hours back and forth every weekend was YOUR choice. She already mentioned that she wants to stay there for the holiday. You can just meet up after the holiday is over.

Now it is true, you might get depressed and anxious at some of her actions, but that's how she was raised. She grew up in a different background than yours, not to mention that you are a male. It is normal for girls to lose interest really fast in some of your interests, and it's even more completely normal to not have passions at the age of 20. She is still young and discovering life. From my own perspective, girls mature completely at the age of 24.

Breaking up or staying with her is your own decision, no one can tell you what to do. You have to weigh the benefits with the losses and see for yourself if this relationship can last, taking into consideration that you talk your issues and express them honestly. You need some time alone to think of what you REALLY want out of this relationship. Do you see yourself being together for over a year? 5 years? Marriage? What do you exactly want to establish? And can she support you if you want to follow your dreams later on?

It's up to you to decide, the only thing we can do is show you the way, the action remains to your part.

Good luck

Agree here. The messed up part is if he dumps her and finds a girl who doesn't value her family, it's more likely she won't value the relationship. She sounds like a good girl, and I won't hold her mom's cleanliness against her. But she IS 20, and you're 29, and although she sounds like a GOOD 20YR OLD, you and are on 2 different stages in life.

Ha, topic's still going! Thanks for the replies.

DigitalSpy, you do make some good points, but I'd wager your own personal experiences are clouding your judgement. Try to remain more objective if you want anyone to take you seriously. Thanks for reply though, it's refreshing to see things from the complete other side of the fence.

To the point about passions - I never really thought about that. Thanks for addressing it. It's likely something I'm probably making too big of a deal about, and the explanation for her lack thereof is also perfectly reasonable. Makes me a lot more at ease with the subject, and I'll disregard it for the time being if not forever.

To Xoved and the other guys, also very good points. I've "dated" a lot of different women, from ages 18 to 42. To be honest, I don't think age make quite as much of a difference as everyone makes it out to be. In fact, the older ones (32, 30, 42, and even 24) were all awful "marriage material" and much moreso "party girls". While it's true that a 20 year old is at a much different point in her life than I am, I don't see how that matters if the paths converge eventually. I would agree that women typically mature around 24. I also believe that most quality women are available when they're younger - the ones who plan to settle down, marry and be faithful do so before too long. Why not risk investing on 20-somethings once in awhile?

Not to mention, as I've said, I'm in a SMALL college town, and my dating pool outside the 18-22 age range is abysmal. I'd elaborate if anyone wants, but that should speak for itself. Now, in 8 months when I go to grad school, that should change drastically. Of the 20ishs I've dated the last couple years here, my current girlfriend is FAR AND AWAY the highest quality I've seen for a LTR. Far, far, far and away. Why would she be my girlfriend otherwise? I strongly believe that she is the "nice girl" archetype if you want to generalize, but nice girls are still women, and still people. The reason I came back to this forum, is because I do feel she is worth investing for the long term. This topic has been something of a "snap to reality" reminding me to never relax too much in any relationship, even if her interest appears to be extremely high. Distance is a mother fucker in relationships, one of the things that absolutely makes or breaks them as well. I can easily see myself being with this girl for several years if not for the rest of my life. Which is exactly why I am here, I don't typically go ranting on PUA anymore with "practice girls" in the general questions forum anymore, but rather seek advice from users on the Relationships forum. To get outside opinions on these events, and criticism on my behavior should I want to be a better man in this relationship and keep dating her. I think gaming is fairly straightforward and easy to practice (especially when you're gaming/seeing multiple women), but the true test (for me) is how to manage a good long term relationship with a quality woman.

Allow me to fill in what happened. On Christmas Eve, I told her that I was not going to travel to see her the following day. It wasn't very easy, but we shortly came to an understanding and things were fine. On Christmas day, we were playing cards over SPAM, and afterwards talked more about most of what I said in my original post. We had originally agreed that any problems or discontent either of us had with the relationship would be brought up as soon as possible and discussed, rather than lay silent and fester. It wasn't a pleasant conversation, but about an hour afterwards she sent the following text:
"What time would you want me if I could give you new years eve? Would you be able to come pick me up from my grandfather's house?"
"I would. But here's my current plan. Tomorrow, I'll meet you in (hometown). We'll stop by your grandmas to exchange gifts, then I'm taking you to (nearby city) and we're getting a hotel room for the night. Friday, I'll drop you off and head back to (my apartment). Then ill see you sometime after new years."
She agreed. I picked her up the next day, and everything appeared to be just fine (typical demeanor for us both). Once we got to the hotel, she suggested we check out the room first, and once we got in she said it was time to talk. As she said that, she was stripping down to her underwear and we got into bed. We had a short, pleasant talk where I learned that her mom was insisting to her that I'm only in it for the sex, and I should be making tons of sacrifices to see her whenever I possibly can. My girlfriend, thankfully, did not agree with her mother, but I could tell it was creating excess stress on her so I didn't push the issue further than needed.

I lost track of how much sex we had that night. Seriously, "arguments" are so much easier in person.

Regardless, we drove all over the city the next day doing various things before I took her home. I can tell things aren't "perfect" per se, but definitely stabilized. Since then, I'm just giving her more space and consciously returning to my "style" when I met her. Not initiating conversation much, taking time and thought with what I text (funny/interesting > whiny/boring), doing stuff with my own friends, hell even started working out again. There lies a whiny little AFC in all of us, else we would have never come to this forum in the first place right? Thanks to everyone for exposing mine and directing me out of the zone.

Last bit, about her family and such... for the most part, I remain supportive and non-judgmental. I usually just listen, and encourage her when possible. The problem is, is that her own family doesn't seem to care in ways I don't understand. My girlfriend goes out of her way to clean up after her immediate family (mother and siblings), doing dishes, even doing their laundry - and then her mother complains that my girlfriend doesn't do it right! The worst thing was on christmas day, my girlfriend told me her parents forgot to get her anything for christmas. I thought it was a joke. It was true. They forgot to pick up her $25 gift card; while my girlfriend, who makes substantially less than them, bought and wrapped presents for all of them the week before (about $20 apiece). Strangely enough, her mother had a christmas gift for me when I arrived to pick up my girlfriend. I have trouble wrapping my head around this one. However, just have to keep doing what works - listen, be supportive, and not criticize or pass judgment on her family. I just wanted to add this for LawOfTeddy's sake. Please, do go on about the difference between genuinely caring and not - I honestly am not sure what it means at this point. But it is something I'd like to know.