Ever since high school, I've had mild social anxiety. I've managed to be reasonably successful considering, but my relationships (w/ guys and girls) has always been a lot of work for me. Hanging out w/ people other than my closest friends is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and requires adequate "recharge" time. I've managed to make significant improvements, but other than drugs and/or extensive therapy, I don't expect my fears to ever go away completely.

My question is basically when/how or even should you tell a girl you're dating about something like this? I've always been able to fake attractive/confident traits for the early stages of relationships (and doing everything I can to actually BE more attractive), but girls are obviously very perceptive and eventually find out which almost just makes things worse because I set early expectations too high.

I know there are things I can be doing to improve my overall situation, but I'm really interested in yall's opinion on what to do in the mean time w/ the current girl I'm with. We've only been together about 2 months, but she's almost surely starting to notice and I'm stuck wondering if just being honest with her would be best. I know it's risky considering how much value women place on social skills/status, but the burden of hiding something like this eventually just becomes too much.

Hey there buddy. First thing I want to note. From one aspect, you really look like a guy like me. Always looking for exclusive relationships, and not quite interested in one night stands. Nothing really bad with that... Only one thing.

The thing with relationships is, as you have perfectly explained yourself, that girls sooner or later notice if you're faking your agenda. You can really save yourself a lot of emotional struggle, if you first focus on improving yourself(namely: game more, focus less on relationships and pull one nighters, go to social events, start new hobbies, make yourself busy with useful and/or fun activities involving people), and only then, when you feel like you're ready, that you no longer have to hide anything from your significant other or have something to feel ashamed about, should you look for exclusive relationships. Having known this, it would have saved me lots of trouble.

Now I'm absolutely not trying to encourage you to break up or cheat on with your current girlfriend. However, I think the above advice will be useful if things go wrong with her.

So I'll give you my two cents on your current state too.

The first thing you have to be aware of, is that when you're constantly trying to hide something, and faking your personality traits, it takes up a tremendous amount of energy, and it also amplifies your insecurities. It will make hard times even harder when you're worrying about "What if she finds out?" "What if she notices it?", and this is something that you just have to avoid.

Another thing is, that if she starts catching on it, she will be building doubts. Dangerous doubts, because she will not be conciously aware of that you're insecure around people, however she will feel that something is wrong. But... as long as you're not overwhelming her and whining constantly, a supportive girlfriend will not look at you as a lower value person, if you share your problems with her. A really nice girl will be patient with you, and most likely will be trying to help you in her own way somehow, if you present your problem to her. It will also give her an explenation about her weird feelings, which will result in a lot less trouble.

When you're telling her this problem, make sure you relate it to her emotions. That is, to make her fully understand, and to get her involved. I'll explain.

Start off, with saying that you noticed she was a bit confused lately and that you feel like you have to tell her why you think that is. Then start explaining to her that you are a bit anxious around people, and the reason why you seemed so outgoing is not because you were faking it, but because you're trying to work on it. Now another important part is to actually listen to her response to this and see how well she understands this, and how it affects her.

And lastly, some advice on how you can improve on this problem. Sadly, the only real way is not medications, and therapy. To be honest, most psychotherapeutic drugs only cover the problems, not solve them. Especially when it comes to complexes and phobias. And therapy is only effective if you, yourself put the effort into it because there is no psychotherapist that can cure a patient who is unwilling to be cured. If you really feel like you need therapy, then by all means do it, but don't forget to be productive regarding this issue too. And by that, of course I mean meeting people, and improving yourself.

I wish you the best of luck,

Peace,

In$tinct.

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct

Let me tell you first of all that you don't have a problem. What you have is not a problem it's a personality trait and doesn't make you any less worthy than the guy who is the life of the party so to speak.
Second you are admitting this to yourself which is a very good thing. Because you take responsibility and want to change. If you have this mindset you already won. It's possible to change into someone socially comfortable.
I completely agree with Instinct on this one. Telling your girlfriend this is perfectly fine. If you explain that you want to get better she will be very happy because let me tell you most of the guys don't want to put in effort of making themselves better and this is very attractive trait and your girlfriend is lucky.
I used to be the guy that couldn't talk to people on a social setting. I got told by a girl that I'm a quiet guy recently. I told her that yeah I don't talk too much, because that's just how I am and I'm happy with myself being this way. Guess what, she got crazy attracted.
I used to go to work events and didn't say a word for the whole night, but just drinking till I get slaughtered.
Now I've changed tremendously to the point where I don't see these events as a chore but as an opportunity to get to know more people and just have fun.
Things that help:
- be genuinely interested in getting to know new people. The easiest way to get other people to like you is to ask personal questions about them. If you need to prepare yourself some basic questions.
- when you go out, have some goals (I want to learn 10 new names tonight). simple things like this.
- have a life, have hobbies, do stuff what other people do so you have things in common and can relate to them.
- have your own time. If you are introvert (this is a trait not a disatvantage) take time for yourself, when you are alone and recharging. I do this myself and I tell others that I want to be on my own and don't want to talk to others (politely of course)
With regards to what to do with your girlfriend I suggest to just follow what Instinct says.
And a very important thing if you are looking for meaningful relationships. Absolutely be honest always. If you meet a good girl she will appreciate it. Not only that it will build a lot of intimacy and that is the foundation of a relationship.

Great, great posts guys...I really appreciate the feedback. I'm going to have to re-read over each a few times to fully digest!
Really awesome timing because just the other night we had a conversation about how I "don't reveal much". For whatever reason I decided to go w/ honesty and frame it confidently as "that's how I am and I'm fine w/ it" the way you mentioned. I just told her I've never been quick to let people "in" and it takes time for me to trust people with my innermost thoughts/feelings (which is true obv given the social anxiety). Her response was really surprising to me. She basically lit up and started asking what she could do for me to trust her that much, etc, etc. We ended up having one of the better nights since we've been together and as you mentioned, she almost seems more attracted.
I revealed this to her too (she was a Pysch major, so we got talking about Meyers-Briggs), and she absolutely lit up with "me too! it feels so good to have someone understand what it's like". This has already helped the relationship tremendously as we now even joke about having to go back to our own places for some recharge time. No more wondering if one of us withdrawing a bit means we're losing attraction, etc.

Well then, I guess everything seems to be fine here. I don't think you need to care about this issue anymore regarding your girlfriend, but I still encourage you to be as social as you can be. I'm an introvert too. I just learned how to enjoy the company of other people. The thing as an introvert is that needing that "recharge time" will never go away, but you can improve the life of your battery

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct