So my girlfriend of 5 months and I had a fight last week. A really stupid one which she (objectively speaking) overreacted to. I found myself on the receiving end of a total snubbing for about a week. That was fun and immature. She knows I'm not thrilled about it.

Getting the girl's time has always been a challenge, but lately it's impossible. The fight may have something to do with that, but she claims not (though I suspect it does - at least somewhat) And that she's just so busy and work is rough right now.

I haven't seen her for a week and it'll be at least another week before I do because of her schedule. I mentioned to her that it sort of seemed like avoidance and she freaked the fuck out... apparently I don't understand just how much more busy she is than me or anyone else in the world.

Is there a 'cool' way to bring this up and have this discussion with someone who has a short fuse like this? I can't even tell if she's really trying or not, honestly. We go through periods where I'll see her 2 or 3 times a week and then not see her at all for a couple weeks like this. She calls and emails, but it's really not the same...

I do not believe her behavior will change without talking about this... It may not change regardless.

This is something I should be bringing up? Letting go?

Hey man, you should ask yourself some questions:

- is this situation permanent or there's an end in sight?
- can you live with this frequency of meeting her?
- is she really busy, justified by a challenging job or studies, or just faking it?
- what would be the real consequences of her cutting down on her activities to spend more time with you?

In my experience, people don't change... she may say "it's just until I get my diploma/the big promotion/that major customer/..." but when that's done, she will have the next best thing to focus on... I was in a similar situation with a chick that ran her own PR office, and we had pretty much the same dynamic as you and your GF... after explaining her ten times that I need more face time, she still didn't understand and after a week of not seeing her she called on a Saturday morning and said "I'm going out for coffee with the girls, you're welcomed to join"... needless to say, I didn't join and broke it up with her instantly... It felt like shit for the first couple of weeks, but then my state of mind improved and now I think it's my best decision in 2013

Thanks for your response, Redlight.

- is this situation permanent or there's an end in sight?
It's generally always been like this with her... I don't believe she's cheating or anything, but it's always been a bit of a struggle to get more than a night or two a week with her

- can you live with this frequency of meeting her?
I can "live with it" but I'm not thrilled with it, no. I find the time between our last meeting causes like 2 hours of catch up time because we missed crap in each other's week normally.

- is she really busy, justified by a challenging job or studies, or just faking it?
She simply doesn't have that busy of a job. Maybe she just wants to do really well at it... but it seems excessive to me (then again that's not my call - if she wants to go hard at her work, good for her).

- what would be the real consequences of her cutting down on her activities to spend more time with you?
Less time with others I guess... friends and family. Maybe less time working?


I feel strangely selfish with this thread. But it seems to me that being an actual, defined relationship should entail more than a few hours a week of facetime.... Maybe I'm overreacting?

Again, thank you for your reply!

You're welcomed! I can recommend a book about relationships, "The five love languages" which states that people express and judge love based on five different "languages" or criteria:

- gifts
- quality time
- words of affirmation
- acts of service
- physical touch

You and your GF may be "speaking" different languages, you can take the test on the website and discover for yourself...

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

And finally, regarding your answers to my questions, here's my two cents:


- is this situation permanent or there's an end in sight?
It's generally always been like this with her... I don't believe she's cheating or anything, but it's always been a bit of a struggle to get more than a night or two a week with her

during the first month of relationship it may be understandable that she does not want to give up on her job tasks/hobbies/friendships for a guy she just met... after five months, this shows a pattern of non commitment on her side...

- can you live with this frequency of meeting her?
I can "live with it" but I'm not thrilled with it, no. I find the time between our last meeting causes like 2 hours of catch up time because we missed crap in each other's week normally.

you will accumulate frustration due to her failure to spend time with you... frustration can drive you to hurtful behaviours towards her... with me and my ex GF it was going out with other women and making sure she found out about it... ended up having a ONS with one of her girlfriends and putting her through a lot of drama... not cool

- is she really busy, justified by a challenging job or studies, or just faking it?
She simply doesn't have that busy of a job. Maybe she just wants to do really well at it... but it seems excessive to me (then again that's not my call - if she wants to go hard at her work, good for her).

by challenging job I meant a career where people are traditionally expected to put in 70 - 80 hours a week and even work during the weekends... think lawyers, auditors or consultants... it would be understandable under this situation, although not acceptable... you could cut her some slack if she's doing overtime to pay off some debt (student loans, etc)...however, if her job is more mundane, than there's no excuse for being so busy... sometimes people make themselves busy by running unnecessary errands for everybody (family members and friends) or by simply being ineffective in running their lives... anyway, no excuses accepted!

- what would be the real consequences of her cutting down on her activities to spend more time with you?
Less time with others I guess... friends and family. Maybe less time working?

In fact, no serious consequences... when in a relationship, priorities shift... time with friends goes down from 7 days a week to 1-2 days a week, family the same... to make room for your partner...

Even if you feel selfish, being in a relationship is supposed to enhance your well being... if that is not happening, you begin to question WHY you are in that relationship in the first place... and if it is important to you, you are NOT overreacting... do some soul searching and make a decision that will drive your life towards fulfilment...

Well Redlight basically nailed it. Don't really have anything else to add.

There are 2x possible signs she is cheating here:

1) She picks fights for no reason
2) Her work is "suddenly important"

Google "Signs she is cheating" and "Signs she is losing interest". See if any of the others apply. You may be better off dumping her if she is dicking you around.