I'm confused!!

Hi guys, I'm needing a little help in seeing things clearly right now. My head feels like it can't deal with emotional crap right now so it's shutting down!

Background: been married one year and we moved to Brazil.

It's been a stressful move for both of us but we have had our good moments with the bad. We seem to be stuck in a cycle of one good week one bad week regarding arguments. These arguments are caused by a lack of open communication from my wife and a lack of patience from me.

For example mid week my wife will arrive home from work in one of those silent SPAM moods for no obvious reason. So I ask, is everything ok and she will say yes nothing is wrong. If I don't enquire further then we sit in silence unless I try to talk about normal stuff. However her answers are usually one word replays. If I push for an answer then I'm "not giving her time and pressuring her".

So I leave it and the next day is the same and the next. No explanation...nothing. The first few times I remain affectionate and give her attention which after a few days makes her better but then once better she still won't tell me what was bothering her in the first place! This drives me crazy.

It then makes me go into a bad mood with her because I'm confused and drained.

After this happening a few times and me feeling worried about what has happened I lose my patience and react in one of two ways.

(1) I close up and feel no motivation to show her affection so we both remain in silence. Then she blames me for being quiet.

(2) I get pushy and angry because I'm frustrated about not knowing what is going on in her head.

We can't seem to find a way to communicate successfully so we end up resenting each other. She acknowledges that she needs to be more open with me and I acknowledge that I need to be more patient. However when I see little or no progress from her then I am destined to lose my patience first because I'm the impatient one?! Her automatic defense is that I need to be more patient and its hurtful that I don't see her progress.

I see the progress for a week or two but then it reverts but if I mention this she flips out! Maybe I need to be more patient and maybe she need to work harder. I really don't know!

This weekend we had a particularly bad fight. I met up with friends for a beer and when I came home to meet my wife she was in one of those awkward quite moods! It got me annoyed because I had been having such a great day. She said something to me that I lost in translation (I'm still learning the language) and I flipped! Though I'm still thinking that she meant to insult...

I got angry and shouted. I said a few insults and she said a few back. I realized that the beer clouded my judgment so I left immediately for a walk to calm down. I came back a few hours later and went to bed.

The next day we talked and I apologized to her for losing my cool. She claimed that she never insulted me I only insulted her. Not only did she insult me the previous night but she said some very hurtful things this time.

She said that she "thinks we are broken up now and needs time to think"

She also said that if we break up she wouldn't regret her decision.

After that last comment I couldn't reply. I was a bit shocked and just looked down. She walked into the bedroom and stayed there! I left for a walk.

I came back many hours later and couldn't say a thing. My head felt broken. I couldn't talk to anyone. At night she tried to be a bit sweet with me and we both watched tv.

This morning her mum wanted to take us both out for a big family lunch. However I said I couldn't go because I couldn't pretend to be good for her family when knowing at the same time she is coming to a decision about wether she actually wants this marriage or not! I told her that she knows I'm a private person especially when something is bothering me. I said I need some time to myself today to talk to my family. She continued to push for me to go by giving me a hug and saying that we will go to my favorite place. However my head just felt broken. I couldn't do a party SPAM today. So instead I just walked about confused as fuck! I realize she was trying to be sweet but i realistically can't attend a family party a few hours after being told that our relationship is pretty much over!

Today she has been trying to contact me and meet me but its to meet me with her family. They will be wondering where I am and I'm guessing putting pressure on her for explanations.

I have tried to get my thoughts in order all day but I can't! I don't know what to do!! I don't feel motivation to be beside someone who "deciding if she wants the marriage" because I'm not ready to give up.

What should I do guys! I'm not going to ask her to want me or the marriage. I want her to want it like I do.

I don't know how to act so I have just been avoiding her. What am I meant to do. Just sit there and wait for her to make her mind up about me?! The idea of that is insulting as I want her to know she wants me.

Help

You are absolutely right when you say you can't just pretend everything is fine, not after such a comment like you're broken up. She wouldn't regret her decision if you were broken up?? That is very harsh stuff.

Definitely step back and go somewhere else for a while, even if it's a hotel for a week or 2. She has to realize she can't just say things like that without any consequences. She wants time to think? Give her heaps of time.

Even tho relationships are different from PU mindsets in a few ways, some stuff never changes when dealing with a woman. Do not let her walk all over you. Be a man and show her the consequences. I strongly suggest to move out for a week or 2. Just leave, you don't even have to explain anything. You've done a lot of talking already, now it's time for actions. She'll know exactly why you're doing this.
I know it is not easy, especially in a foreign country. But quite often in life the hard ways are the right ones. And you have been living there for a while now so you should be sweet.

Sounds like you are losing her if you keep on doing what you have been doing. Turn the table and make her FEEL she lost you! You tried talking, you tried being affectionate, see how far it got you.

I guess your wife needs some drama in her life, give it to her. Definitely nothing is lost here and don't even start thinking this bullshit that she'll just find someone else in the week you're gone.

SHE WOULDN'T REGRET IF YOU WERE BROKEN UP? SHE WANTS TIME TO THINK? Off you go.

Posted by myself in April 2013 to Dave:

Quote:Why would you move to Brazil for your wife? Seriously, I know marriage is about doing whatever it takes but you basically said you're willing to drop all your friends and family for this woman. And traditionally, the woman would be the one to move for the man, I hope you didn't take her last name too.

Your wife wouldnt even put your marriage on facebook and you moved thousands of miles for her....Dude, this is just not going to work already. I'm not a facebook junkie but the reasons she has given is bs and downright disrespectful. If a gf had fed me that shit, I would have sent her packing, far less for a wife and especially one I moved to Brazil and sleeping on floors for. This is a big red flag of how she values your marriage if she would put another dude's feelings above your own.

Meeting the ex, next red flag. If they're friends, they don't need to meet to say I married XYZ. If they were friends he would know about you. Your wife is already showing you she can be sneaky. Heck, the dude is showing his gf more respect that your wife is showing you. Either they are friends and then he'd be happy for her and she wouldnt have to protect anyone, or there are some feelings there in which case she should not be chasing his ass to meet 1 on 1.

I suspect the shit tests you saw earlier were just a woman playing games and still playing games with you. You've given up your life for a woman who won't even add you as her husband on facebook. I know I'm just some guy on a computer, but plz do not buy a house in Brazil. Your honeymoon phase is arguments and her putting others before you, and you being beta. Things will not get better. Move back to Europe and see if she comes. A while back you posted that she wanted to meet a recent ex. If these guys are different....hell...she just has a thing for her past and isn't in to you. You are seriously making excuses and rationalizing these situations. If someone can offer an explanation for her actions, wanting to meet exS for "closure" and not respecting your feelings I'd love to hear them. End Quote

Dave doesn't want help. Multiple threads with multiple problems about this woman who is certainly not mature enough for marriage. Dave wants a solution to something that has been doomed for a long time. Now you're surprised she is thinking about breaking up/divorce? Newsflash, a marriage with so many problems so soon is not going to work. Hell, calm her down, get back with her and try again. Keep trying with her until she finally hits that point where she can be the one to admit it's just not going to work. She DOES NOT WANT THIS MARRIAGE dude, the HONEYMOON is over for her. That's why she treats you like this. That's why all that fb ex shit was going on. You NEED this to work - you moved across the world for her. She doesn't and is ready to call it quits. Did you really think that leaving your friends and family to move across the world for a woman would make her respect you and still be attracted to you? Did you think that it wouldnt make her second guess what kind of man would leave everything for her, enter her world, her culture and she would find that man exciting? Did you think that she would feel the same way for a man when she has to be in control, show him around and he is lost in her country?

If you give up everything for a woman, you lose her. If she had moved to your country for marriage, bet your ass things would be different and she'd be making it work.

This. Pack your stuff and go back to your cool life you gave up for her.

WOW! I'm in awe! If you can let us know how long have you known this woman and for how long did you date before popping the question. How old are guys?

Dave,

I've followed your struggles, and feel for you man. Without knowing all of the details, I have to agree with CMD here. I think you need to get away from her, hit the motel or somewhere else. Let her cough up her own explanations to her family on her own.

It sounds a whole lot to me like your woman is fighting for control of the relationship. As a husband, it is your duty to try to be fair and reasonable. But at some point, you have to separate yourself from the emotions and ask yourself if this relationship is good for you, and she should do the same. You can't do that calculus when each day emotions are high.

Go give yourself some space. Figure out what you want and need, and get yourself in an emotional state that is more balanced. At that point in time, you'll be able to make a smart decision about how to proceed. Use your family and friends, wherever they are in the world to remind yourself that you were better than all right before this woman came into your life, and you will be if she leaves it as well. Once that is solidly in your head, you can assess how to proceed with the relationship. While you do that, I would go NC with her, responding only that you need time away from her to insure you make a good decision.

If you do decide that you want to work things out, when you tell her there should be a list of things that have to be different for you to be happier with the relationship. And that should be the goal, for both of you. If you're not happy, the point of a relationship is moot.

Holy shit Dave.

First couple of lines I felt sorry for you, I really did. Then you explained how your wife treated you and how you allowed yourself to be treated. Then I just blamed you. You're AFC. You're actually worse, you're Beta. You're not just someone who finds it hard to get with women, you're letting them walk all over you in your relationship. You have completely given up all control of yourself and your relationship to this woman. Keep in mind before I thought this I had no idea you moved to Brazil FOR your wife(Shit, I thought it was a mutual thing so you could work there or something and you both were of the same nationality!) and I didn't know of the shit that was going on previously as Neo87 pointed out.

I read neo87's post, a post he sent you in April. Dude, you're giving this woman everything -- EVERYTHING -- with nothing in return. She gets annoyed for no reason and takes it out on you. You scramble to make her happy, you care too much about how she feels and too little for how you feel. Just read over it man. He was right, totally right and you've only yourself to blame here.

If a woman treated me the way your wife treats you I would leave her to her own shitty mood and go enjoy myself. Just about the only good thing you've done is ignore her. Without knowing it you did the one most perfect thing you could have done: You actively ignored her and tried to keep her at a distance because she hurt you, because she did bad. You have struck fear in her heart and let her know she's done wrong and needs to own up to it. You're keeping to your guns and she knows she was wrong and you know she was wrong and you're not backing down. She went too far and she's afraid that's why the roles have been reversed and she's trying to be nice to you and make up for it. She's doing what you automatically did for her when she was annoyed at you for no reason!

There's absolutely no need to talk about her hiding you as her husband from the world(Does she take off her wedding ring too??) or talking to ex's and meeting up with them. That was wrong and you need to put your foot down on that no matter how she tries to rationalise it or, as a lot of women will cheekily do, get her friends to tell you "how normal it is."

I was dating a Brazilian woman for over a year. Beautiful women, all of them -- even the fact chicks are hot(Well, I still wouldn't go near them but they're a cut above other fat chicks in the world) -- and this chick couldn't speak a word of English. I still had a good relationship with her for over a year without verbal communication becoming a major factor. If she got in a mood for no reason I had the confidence to know when I did wrong and when I didn't. When I didn't do wrong I would tell her flat out she did wrong and then freeze her out for a day or two if she didn't immediately apologise. The fact is I didn't reinforce her negative behaviour so when she did get in a mood for no reason it was very rare and never a repeat of the same reasons because she knew I wouldn't give into her. You should have been doing this all along. Language barriers mean very little once you can speak the basics to one another. I wouldn't marry a chick if I couldn't understand her though but if you want a relationship you don't exactly need to speak their language, just know what you can and can not do(Same with her). If either of you let the other walk all over one another your relationship is doomed.

Honestly, you're kind of in a good position to shove it to her and gain some ground. She obviously knows she's done bad and is trying to repair things if even slightly. You need to grow some balls and do what you should never usually have to do: Give her an ultimatum. Tell her she's not treated you right. Don't get angry, just state it as a matter of fact, keep your heels dug in and don't let her get side tracked but BE PREPARED TO LEAVE HER. You can't stay in such an abusive relationship and you can't be the kind of person you are now: Submissive. You have to change and you have to change today otherwise that chick is going to cuckold you so hard. She'll probably have you as the cameraman in her sex tape with one of her ex's. <--- That isn't a joke.

Tell her you're not happy, she's not treating you right, it's abusive and you can't be in a relationship with a woman who is going to treat their husband like that. Tell her SHE needs to change. It's bullshit that she would brianwash you into thinking you are the problem and it's up to you to carry this marriage through. She's placing all the responsibility on your shoulders while making things worse herself.

Dump her ass if she doesn't change.

^This. Good points.

Even if you forget EVERYTHING, the ex's, the not posting fb pictures so your family could see your wife and new life, if non of the old drama NEVER happened, her actions currently are those of a woman WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED. I repeat: One word answers and awkward silences = SHE DOESN'T FEEL LOVE FOR YOU WHEN SHE GETS HOME AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. A wife who loved you would come home and WANT to talk to you. She would MISS you at work. Who says they won't regret it if they left you?? Someone who isn't in love anymore.

Of course she isn't in love with him. My best is on that Dave doesn't love her either. But when you made the committment and promises of marriage, only an idiot walks away without careful deliberation. There was a time when she did love him, and vice versa. The questions Dave has to answer is can he love her again if her behavior changes, and if so, what changes need to come.

He can then communicate this to her, if he decides that is the route he wants to go.

If everyone got a divorce because they didn't love their spouse, EVERY marriage would fail. The question is are both parties willing to commit to make the changes needed to make the marriage what they want it to be. Emotions cloud this judgement a lot, which is why he needs to step away for awhile.

Apologies for the late reply! I really appreciate all of the views and experiences you guys shared.

Reading through my posts I saw that I had told you guys all the negatives without the positives. It has shown the relationship as being worse than it is.

To answer a couple of questions. We dated a year and are married a year. I didn't pop the question...she did. We both agreed that after one year it was a bit soon to get married but we had 2 choices. 1 break up and live in separate countries or 2 get married and have a go at it.

I loved her and she loved me. The dominant thought in my head was, "if I say no, I might regret that decision for the rest of my life". How many guys have a hot girl they love proposing to them?! I would rather try and fail than not try at all.

Now the sacrifices;

I had to close my business, move away from family and friends. This was my decision. Man it has been real tough on me!! Sometimes it gets me very depressed which puts stress on the relationship.

Now the positives;

I am now bilingual, have some cool new friends, I have a very well paid job here and I'm now in a better financial place than I was back home. I see a very successful career starting here. We are already living in the most affluent part of the city (which we pay for 50/50).

Now the complexities of the relationship;

Firstly we have both been through a lot this year. This will always reduce the spark. My wife has a stressful job 9-5 then full time uni at night. Monday to Friday she gets up at 7am and gets home at 11pm. This makes her tired and down sometimes. I am dealing with a new language and culture which if you have experienced this yourself you will know how hard it is. With my wife working hard and me away from my close family and friends I often feel lonely. I have friends here that help but I am wanting the attention of my wife more than I should. The reason is that she is the closest thing I have to family while I adjust to life without my own. This puts pressure on her. My wife's family is awesome for making me feel so accepted but its still not my own parents etc.

With all this stress there will ultimately come conflict and anger. This is what we both need to control better. This is what I need advice on!

Times are just as often fantastic;

This girl has put a lot of faith in me, she found me, asked me out and ultimately proposed to me. She is beautiful, caring and motivated. She is opinionated which is great (though sometimes annoying lol) and sweet. We constantly buy each other small gifts and she takes me away on surprise holidays completely paid for.

I spent some time thinking things through and I see TWO main problems.

1 we need to deal with our own stress better. Her workload and my adaptation to a new country.

2 I agree with a previous poster. There is a power struggle as our relationship settles. My wife is an alpha female which can intrude on my own masculine relationship dynamic.



Last point, I will not dwell on harsh words said in the heat of an argument. We both said nasty things that we are not proud of. Everyone has done it. Forgive and forget unless it becomes a recurring issue.

What do you guys think now?

"It's okay that she slept with her ex boyfriend. She was stressed and I wasn't there... It's not her fault."

"She was stressed and I didn't help her when she was stressed. It's not her fault she threw that plate at my face."

You're making excuses for her and pretty soon the above is going to be the sort of shit you'll be telling yourself.

Man, grow some balls. Take charge and know how you should be treated. Making up excuses for her is just going to spell trouble for you. As you said yourself, you agree that she's very much in control. That's fine if you're okay with that and she actually treats right well and isn't abusive but your wife is abusive to you. You've just made excuse after excuse for her to be the way she is and even gone so far as to blame yourself("I need too much attention from my own wife, that's too much for her" -- Hello! You're fucking married!! She's supposed to be there for you regardless especially when you move to her country for her!!!).

Sorry to say it but all I see from your post is excuses as to why you can be treated badly by her. Realise this: You are not being treated well or fairly by this woman. That needs to change.

You also try to make it sound like you had no choice... You had a choice. You had the choice to marry her and you said yes. You had the choice to continue living in your country but you didn't. You closed shop, moved to her country and gave up everything. She would have already had friends with you in your country and had invested a year or more in that country. The culture shock would not have been such a big deal to her as opposed to you. It would have been more fair for her to move with you, not the other way around and i'm pretty sure once she was married to you she would be granted citizenship.

Also, is she cheating on you? She sees her ex-boyfriends, hides the fact that she's married and randomly takes you on holidays and buys you gifts... Randomly... for no reason... When she's actively meeting up with her ex's.... and hiding the fact that she's married from the world. You know gift giving is a form of guilt relief, right? Maybe she is, maybe she's not but with the way she's treating you and how you are as a man I wouldn't be surprised.

You need to think about yourself and set a line of standards for how you want to be treated. She needs to stop being a bitch to you, needs to be more supportive and have cop on.

Also, i'm curious about you. You tell all the bad about her and make a fleeting mention about how you've "both" said and done things that you regretted. What have you done? Shouted? Been physical? Said things to hurt her? Been in moods with her too? What? You're going to have to be honest with yourself and everyone else, assess the right and wrong and address it so you can control the negative aspects of how you handle things. From what you've said though you're just making up excuses for her and you come across as a saint, although a complete and utter walk over.

I'm not trying to push buttons but it is frustrating to see a man -- or woman for that matter -- be in what seems to be an abusive relationship and only make up excuses for their significant other.

Agree with GamesN

Dave, you entered into a marriage when neither of you were ready to get married. Combined with the fact that this marriage meant you had to move and assimilate into a new culture, that was bound to be problematic. A marriage should never happen because someone has to leave the country because now there is a pressure to make it work no matter what because someone has given up so much. Same way you shouldn't marry someone just because they get pregnant. All you have is 2 people who are now forced to make something work.

As GamesN said, this does sound abusive and I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking that. I know it was tempting to have a hot girl propose to you, but there were other options. If she loved you so much she should have stayed in your country.

You have had to tougher time with this marriage, and SHE is the one mentioning calling it quits? That's crazy. No way, I would close my business, leave my friends and family, learn a new language, get a new job, make new friends, learn a new culture and then because SHE works a 9-5 and goes to school, SHE asks like things are tough on her so she can treat me like shit??! Give me a break. Shit isn't fair in your situation.

Things you've said she's done that make her great:
1. Put alot of faith in you. No, you put a lot of faith in HER. She said "I do" and got another ticket for you. That's all. Things don't work out, you leave, she's already home.
2. She found you. Really? Did she scour the world searching for you? Did she save you from kidnappers like in Taken or something? She found you? Thats crap
3. Asked you out and proposed to you. Again, really? A chick asking you out is something? A chick wanting to get married is some sign of value? Newsflash, women like saying they're married more than men do.
4. Gifts and holidays? Is this a sign of the value of a wife?


Call me crazy, but a wife should be supportive and caring. She shouldnt be coming home quiet and starting shit. Has she gone into counseling for herself? Has she been there for you? Has she displayed to the world you're her husband? Has she done anything but give up? Is she on the female pua forums asking questions how to be a better wife to you?

You want this rs to work because you NEED it to work. You've given up so much. She hasn't and doesn't need it like you do. A divorce, and she's back to the clubs around the block. If you divorce, you have to quit and move back home. Heck, she doesn;t even have to change her facebook status as she never put it up.

Heck, I can't even blame your wife. The proposal had you shaken and you followed her lead. You let a woman lead you which is never a good idea.

We have been married on Facebook for nearly 8 months now. Wedding photos displayed etc. That was an issue a long time ago where she still had friends she wanted to break the news to in person.

I understand you guys trying to help but calling me beta is a bit far in my opinion. In my mind I view my decision as the most alpha thing a guy could do. I had the balls to move, I had the balls to learn a new language, I had the balls to end my business to begin a new career thst is getting me 4 times the money I was on. Plus I have the balls to try and make this work.

I am not saying that she is a saint and I am not defending her previous actions. I have been no saint either in all this.

You guys seem to think that the only reason I moved was because of her. You couldn't be more wrong. We could have stayed in my country but I saw an opportunity to grow as a person and in a new career...

Kudos on you for making the best out of your situation. But you're reframing here. You can say a guy who stalks has the balls to not give up and a woman who stays with an abuser has the balls to risk getting hit again. And if we think you moved for her it's because you've said it. You've said she proposed to you and you moved when she had to leave.

You've done so much, why is she worth it? Because she's hot? Because sometimes she's nice? Truth is, if you did all of this for you, why are staying in this situation? If this was mostly for your growth as a person you would have walked away a long time ago. You act grateful to this women when she should be the grateful one. She should be coming home tired but excited to see the man who gave up everything for her. Or grateful to see the man who risked it all to improve himself and came out better (if you say it was all for you). But she isn't.

Regardless of everything, if you forget the distance you moved and everything else, the marriage just isn't working. And it's the first year. She is already questioning her decision. Same way when a woman in a relationship questions it, it's the beginning of the end. I mean, why not find a better woman? Don't you deserve that then? If you can do all this learning and growing, don't you want a woman that won't regret it if you divorce?

I agree with neo but OP, you really need to see things from our point of view and you need to reassess yourself and your beliefs because it certainly seems like you would do anything for this woman regardless of how she treats you or how wrong things are. You're seeing things quite warped here. You're saying you had the balls to move, fair enough. But why did you really move? It seems it was mainly for this woman and she doesn't seem grateful for it after just a year of marriage.

Keep in mind you've told us a lot of questionable things she's done already and then tried to play it down and defend her. It doesn't speak of you as being an Alpha in yourself unless you want to take up the mantle of "defending my woman" which is neither here nor there when people are simply calling it as they see it.

I hope for your sake she isn't seeing her ex boyfriends and meeting up with them still and I sincerely hope it all ends up working out but right now that seems unlikely. The way I see it you need to improve yourself and rearrange the thought processes going on in your mind and see things a little bit differently than how you see them. Right now it just looks like you think of yourself as the problem and she's in the right to take all her frustrations out on you -- Let me tell you this is not normal.