Hi all,

I'm writing this to get some thoughts from you guys..

Long story short. When I was about 6 years old I moved to a new school and fell in love with this beautiful girl. She was my neighbour and we are the same age. Lets call her Cathy. I used to be a boy with no self confidence and didn't kiss a girl before at least 18(!). Basically I was never supposed to get the chance to make her mine, since we went different ways after high school. Anyway, I found out about Neil, Mystery and all that stuff, magic happened and it fu*** worked!!!!

I went from being a skinny guy who blushed (still do, but I don't care anymore) when girls looked at me and tried to hide, to become well trained, good looking (on the inside) guy who could just stare girls into the eyes and make them fall in love with me.

About 5 years ago in the summer me and Cathy got in touch again and I i decided to go all in, play my game. I could feel the old passion rising and also how she got attracted to ME. We ended up having sex at a party and and started dating A couple of years went by, we got engaged and had a kid. So far, the perfect fairytale. I felt that I could do EVERYTHING!!

And thats were the problems started, I think. I started to spend more and more time at all of my "projects". Started a couple of businesses +++++. I just took on too mouch and didn't get the income I wanted and needed to have time to do other things than working.

At the same time she suffered from a serious depression. She went trough hell, but I went with her trough it, always by her side and paused doing my stuff.

Until a few weeks ago everything was ok. She had a perfect life, healthy, new job she loved etc. But she didn't get much of my attention because I had to catch up with lost time and start to make money.

A few weeks ago she went to this party with her friends at work, but didn't get home before next day. She called me and was sorry and wanted me to get her at some guys house. I went suspicious on her and when she was sleeping a took her phone and looked at her facebook-account (I know its a bad thing to do), but what I found out didn't make me less suspicious. A guy, 20 years older than us had sent her a messages telling her she was beautiful etc. and they had msg each other about what happened the other night. But the msg didn't say WHAT happened, just that something had happened. I didn't know what to do and tried to forget about it all, hoping I was just getting paranoid. A week later when she was away I got paranoid again and went trough her stuff and found some letters from this guy in her purse. I read the letters and it then became obvious that she had something going, but I was still hoping somehow this was a misunderstanding. At the time I had our two year old son next to me... I didn't know what to do. Later in the night when she came home I told her to sit down and tell me what was going on. And off course she told me what I didn't wanna hear. Actually it was alot worse. I told her to get her stuff and f**** off. She calmed me down and in the end she told me that I was the one she loved and she had never thought about leaving me, but told med that this other guy did see her in a way that I hadn't done for years.

I guess many of you guys would have left her, but it's not that easy when there is a child involved. I have told her that I would become the boyfriend the I used to be, but that it would take years to trust her again. We have decided that she is not quitting her job (because it makes her so happy), although she is meeting this other guy daily. I told her that I don't accept that they act like friends anymore, but work related stuff is ok.

Two days after I found out about this I met up at the other guys office and told him what I felt about him and what had happened. I told him that I wanted to put an axe in his head, but the consequences would not be worth it. He is taller and 20 years older than me and I was shaking, but had NO FARE of him. It felt soooo good..

We have decided to marry next spring. I love her, she says she loves me and wanna stay with me the rest of her life. We are also having the most adorable kid together and want him to have two parents loving each other.

So, what to do now? How to trust her again? How to become the man of her life, again? To show her I am THE ONE? Should I trust her? Should I make some kind of revenge and let her feel that I she is somehow not irreplaceable? What to do when we meet this other guy(it will happen a lot of times)?

She is the kindest, most sexy and loving person I know.... im so lost.

PS: today im going to the gym for the first time in months...

Well this is pretty fucked up.

Did she tell you that things are not ok between you two before she went out and cheat ?
Did she tell you that you don't treat her the same way and you are not the same person as you were ?
Or did she just go out and cheat ? I think you have a communication problem here.
To trust her or to forgive her depends on you. If you think it's better than do it.
However to get married is a very bad idea right now. That's a lot of commitment and hassle if things go wrong you have to divorce etc.
A kid is not the end of the world. That should not be what holds the relationship together. I've seen kids that are being raised and taken good care of by separated parents (I live in the UK btw this happens in 50% of the marriages).
Question here is. What will make her not do this in the future again ?

This is substantially similar to my affair.

I'm going to give you the cold hard truth. It's highly likely that she cheated because there was a gap in your relationship, something you acknowledge. This isn't all her fault, nor is it all yours. Somewhere down the line you quit making each other happy. I can PROMISE YOU, part of what makes her job so happy for her is that she sees this other guy, who thinks she beautiful, blah blah blah.

There is only one way for this to work out. First, you acknowledge your share of the problem, explain to her that you do and what changes you're willing to make to recreate a relationship that gives you both what you want. Then you ask her what changes she is willing to make. And one item you cannot compromise on is her getting a new job. If she insists on keeping this other job where she sees this other guy, then you tell her this means to you that you can continue to have a relationship, but it is more open, which means she can continue to do what she pleases, as can you, including meeting other women with whom you enjoy company and sex.

Don't force her to quit her job, you'll just drive her away. The above indicates you accept some responsibility for you relationship deteriorating, communicates your desire to resurrect it, defines your limits as to what is fair and reasonable, and gives her the opportunity to do the same.

100% if she sees a guy she fucked and had feelings at all for on a regular basis, your relationship is not going to make you happy. Because you'll always be paranoid, and for good reason. Instead of forcing her to abandon this, if she insists on the job, then give yourself the ability to make her feel the same way. And for the record, staying together for the sake of a kid is foolish. My kids adjusted very well, so long as you continue to be as good a father as you can and you work together with her to give them guidance and love.

Worst thing you can do is recommit to her, while letting her have this guy on the side with no consequences. If she can't or won't walk away from him completely, then you deserve to have someone on the side as well. Not out of hatred or to get even, but simply because you are mirroring the level of commitment she is showing you. If she can't forsake all others, there is little reason for you to either. You may find that you both are happier having the freedom to have people to fall back on when you need support or sex from someone else. All I can say is if she stays at the job and you get nothing, that is neither fair, nor balanced, and you sir, will be giving her all your power. Don't do it. If you do, you're a guaranteed loser in the end.

Yes, she has not been happy with how I was working, and I have had really bad conscience about not spending enough time with our kid, her and my friends. Always had too much to do. But I thought it would pay off in the end, I did my best, trying to please everyone. I guess I have learned that "doing my best" isn't good enough.

I'm taking a big part of the responsibility, although cheating is NOT ok, whatsoever...

Actually I don't know what would keep her from doing it again. She told me that she didn't think of what she really was doing and thinks that if our relationship was ok, she wouldn't have done it. Problem is that when she gets drunk she gets out of control, doing stupid and dangerous stuff. The first time it happened with that other guy se was really drunk, and it some way feels not that bad. But the second time she did it with full purpose.

She has complained about her drinking problem before and has told me now that she is willing to stop drinking without me at her side. She is really attractive and has got a few women at her back because of flirting with guys that was not single (I know because i read trough her facebook-msg). She also proposed quitting her job.. I told her not to, because i think the job is not the main issiue here..(?).

I guess I am taking a big risk with her working with the other guy, but I think I just have to trust her, or else I never will.

I read trough the "Extended relationship guide" by In$tinct and realise that I have failed at almost every single advice!!! once upon a time I was really good at it, but became too comfortable and ended up failing.

She tells me that she loves me and wanna stay with me the rest of her life. A few days after I catched her cheating i decided to change my life, because it was no good for me either, I hated it.

Before she got home from work yesterday I read "Extended relationship guide" and in only a few ours following these "simple" steps I started to see changes immediately, or actually she was looking at me like "wtf has happened, but I like it".

I don't know, maybe it's too easy, but there is no doubt that I have failed in being the husband she needs.

We sure fit well togheter, but the "comfort zone" is a dangerous place to be. I believe I'm doing the right thing, altough whatever path I choose its no easy fix.

Read what whou812 said about the work bit. I think it's a very good advice.

You realised your end of the problem and what to change. This is very good. When you say "doing your best", well you didn't in fact because you've neglected your relationship and stopped being who you were before. I'm not saying this to insult you but it is just what it is.

However this is 50-50. She has to change as well.

I'll admit I've been the other guy before (The guy your girlfriend cheated with). Long time ago. I know how this works. I had to quit my job not to ruin their marriage. If she goes back to work with this guy they will fuck again. This is almost certain. So if she does do what whou812 said and go out to meet other women.

I live with 2 kids of my girlfriend and know a lot of single parents, divorced etc. The worst thing you can do is stay together because of the kid. He wants a mom and dad who are both happy and not two people constantly fighting each other.

Best of luck to you mate.

Thank you guys.

We are best friends, almost never fighting and having great sex. We have talked a lot about what happened and somehow I hope we will get out of this stronger.

Problem is I don't know if I'm ever going to trust her again like I used to. Before this I trusted her 100%.

We will try to figure this out, I'm hurt anyway and throwing her out and only see my son for 2 days a week would be even worse.

Just need to fugure out how to trust her again, but it would take years I guess...

There are things she can do to earn your trust back. There are things you can do to help her.

The main thing you can do is tell her the truth. The truth probably is that as long as this guy is in her life on a daily basis, she will remember anything that made her feel good. Your best bet for a recovery is for him to be gone, at least until things are better between you. As long as it's not good between you, he will stifle progress, even if all he wants is to fuck her and leave her. He fucked her twice or more while she supposedly had a bf, he will do it again if he can.

Again my advice, if she insists on working with him, then get yourself some other women as well. You don't have to fuck them, but surround yourself with ones who would fuck you if the chance arose. Then you fair and balanced.

I'm sure she wouldn't have cheated if things were good between you. When your needs are met and you are happy, you have no reason to. There are times when you have a desire to, and times you don't. When you have all you want, you don't give a shit if you can have more.

Instict's guide is good. Work on yourself, set your boundaries. But you are naive or stupid if you think she can stay on the job because that wasn't the problem. The facts are she likes going to work because she sees him. He's a fallback option for her. She's got an ace in hole. Maybe what you say would work, but I doubt it. I say that because my marriage could not work as long as I still talked to my affair partner. Why? Because just talking to her would make me remember all that had happened with her, and would attract me to her. Fucked everything all up. It takes time to rid yourself of someone else, best way to do it is focus on someone or something else. That's why they say best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. She'll get over the other guy if she's getting under you, but not if she goes to work every day and sees him and is reminded of when she was under him.

Generally speaking, people stray outside the relationship to obtain things they aren't getting within it. It can happen to the best of us, particularly if we feel our partner is incapable, unwilling, or won't be responsive to our most basic of needs (attachment or other).

I would want to know exactly what this 'thing' is. "I'm curious to know what, for you, was lacking in the relationship during this time?"

I'd first want to know if she's committed to making this work. You know her better than any of us here ever could through your posts. Check-in with yourself, do you FEEL she's invested in this process, or that her ego is clinging onto the relationship? Don't be afraid to check-in with her too, to more accurately gauge where she's at.

Of course there's been a rupture/breach in the relationship. You have 2 choices here: 1) you can put your guard up and fight ego with ego (akin to the above poster's advice on surrounding yourself with women to level the playing field, which will only perpetuate the problem and introduce greater insecurity into the relationship making it more toxic to both of you, and all those involved), or 2) you can use this as an opportunity to be more present with one another healing wounds with compassion and understanding and along the way rebuilding trust.

I'm hoping its the later, healthy option rather than the maladaptive one which will only breed further hurt and contempt inevitably leading to a relationship of misery and intense suffering.

Above all else, ask yourself why you want to stay in this relationship. It's not that you shouldn't, but rather are the reasons out of ego attachment, or true love for this person (the two are often confused).

I take offense to my advice on finding other women being bad. Notice I didn't state it as the first choice. The OP wants the relationship to get on solid footing. His goal is not to break up. I offer that solution only as a response to his desire to get her invested again. He has lost her in some respects if she is sleeping with a coworker. If she is unwilling to cut contact and leave the job with the other guy, ultimatums are not the answer. That just drives a wedge and makes him look weak. However, if he still wants to win her back and she is unwilling to put herself in a position to cease contact with the other guy, the OP surrounding himself with other high value women gives him more value. In some respects, their relationship is not present, he has to display value much like he did when they originally dated. If she is not invested enough to focus all her energy on the relationship and the OP, then if the OP wants her, he must display value sufficient to make her choose him over the other guy. This means back to the basics.

If he's successful, she'll see that he is of high value, she made a mistake not being proactive tackling problems in the relationship before, and will commit to the relationship and reject anything that is toxic to it. He can reciprocate that when it happens. If it doesn't happen, having options will only soften the blow of the breakup. If he is too available, too accomodating, he displays lower value, and basically allows her to have her cake and eat it too. EVERYONE who has had an affair struggles with this. Trust me, I know, I'm one of them, and I studied the subject a LOT after mine trying to understand why I did what I did.

The good news is that just because she is a cheater, doesn't mean he always has to worry about it. There's a good chance if she is committed to the relationship it can get better and be better than it was before shit went south.

Call me a terrible person, but I would use this as a green light to get some pussy on the side.

Settle the score, then you can both wipe the slate clean and start again. No matter how much you think things have changed, 1) you will always worry and wonder if she might cheat again and 2) she might think she got away with it once, so she could get away with it again. Yes, you neglected her, but only because you were working towards building a more comfortable life for her and your son. All she could think about was her own selfish needs.

Relationships where one person cheats and the other forgives must be very strong to survive it. I wouldn't be able to be as strong as you have been, but then again I don't have kids, and I guess having a kid changes you. This could've been avoided if you had opened up the lines of communication with your wife right from the start and to speak up as soon as there was a small problem, before it snowballed out of control.

Massive respect for not beating the shit out of the other dude. Bigger men walk away. I can't be sure if I could've been as mature as you in that situation.

Not terrible, just not too bright.

If letting your wife get away with cheating scot-free makes you intelligent, then I'd rather be stupid and at least keep my dignity.

There's no dignity in being dumb.

Dignity vs being intelligent...at least an intelligent person can restore his/her dignity.

I'm guessing you have extensive experience of getting cuckolded, so you must the expert on how to deal with it. Oh, but wait, that's why it keeps happening. You keep getting cheated on because you let the girl get away with it.

You still haven't explained what's dumb about what I said.

That's a big assumption you're making. Never been "cuckolded" or cheated on, to my knowledge. Your second assumption is false too since its premised on the first as being true.