hey guys.

i don't normally do online game, especially on facebook. recently i noticed this hb who is a friend-of-a-friend of mine on facebook, she's an american doing foreign exchange student program in my university (i'm not an american). came here a few weeks ago. i know cold approaches on fb are frowned upon and usually result in nothing, but i figured since i have no other way of contacting her i, and am genuinely curious about her, might as well give it a try. i opened with something casual, "hey nerd, just noticed you're a friend of __. why did i never see you on campus?".

to my surprise she responded very well. long reply, high energy, emoticons, everything. we had a good chat and it seemed like she's into it. she was asking me questions, giving me threads to work with and all. through 3 short chats she dropped some thick hints that she's down to meet, like when i told her there's a lot of fun things to do around the city she implied that i can be her mentor. at some point she said that she can probably out-drink me and that i can see it as a challenge.

i didn't want to become an online entertainer so i went for the date after just 3 short chat sessions. i clearly did not build enough comfort. actually i hardly built any. i just saw ioi's and went for the kill, big mistake. you live and learn.

set up a meet in a bar close to where we both live, she confirmed. the day comes and i text something like "hey i'll be a few minutes late tonight". a few HOURS go by and she replies with "i can't make it " and that's it. no apology, no explanation, no reschedule, nothing. i just go with "that's alright" thinking she might continue the conversation, but it's been 3 days and i got nothing back.

normally i wouldn't give a shit, but considering our short interaction she was clearly into it, problem was i didn't build comfort (which is actually my strong side), i just kept a c&f vibe and for her i was pretty much a random stranger. it should come as no surprise that she didn't feel any obligation to meet me.

like i said it's been 3 days. there's a party coming up in my university soon, i was thinking maybe suggesting she comes along. what do you think? should i just move on? i feel kind of shitty for messing it up, i think she might be really cute.

Put yourself in her shoes.

She obviously wants to go out and have fun but you're putting a lot of romantic pressure on her. And if she's remotely cute she's used to snubbing guys who take her flirty beta-bait.

So long as you haven't been obsessively texting then it's fine to invite her to the party. Try to make it as informal as possible. Girls are like deer; they scare easily. Text her something like,

"I'm going to a party at [location] at [time]. Come hang out with me and my friends."

If you HAVE been texting her obsessively then it's a lost cause..

_________________
The ultimate lesson of psychoanalysis is that human life is never "just life": we are possessed by the strange drive to enjoy life in excess, attached to a surplus which derails the ordinary run of things.
-Slavoj Zizek

other than the obvious creepiness of opening a stranger on fb, i don't think there was anything that can be considered obsessive. our messages ratio was pretty much 1:1. and other than flaking she didn't give any sign that she wants it to stop. i would have ejected immediately if i felt like i was making her uncomfortable. that's not the case.

you're probably right about the pressure. whenever she gave me a chance to escalate the chat and push towards a date i took it. probably shouldn't have moved so fast. so the question is do i try to push for a meet again or do i try to build some rapport over text prior to that? i think inviting her to the party right away, even so informally, might be repeating the same mistake.

Awesome. I'm glad you didn't fall into the beta trap.
Don't text her for another day or so. Then start talking to her again. Just have a regular conversation. Briefly mention that you're going to a party. She'll either be interested in going or not. However just by mentioning it then you're showing her that you have friends and a life and that you're basically a regular guy who's fun to be around.

_________________
The ultimate lesson of psychoanalysis is that human life is never "just life": we are possessed by the strange drive to enjoy life in excess, attached to a surplus which derails the ordinary run of things.
-Slavoj Zizek

i guess i'll re initiate the conversation tomorrow. any ideas how to open without being needy?

i don't know how it is with americans, but where i'm from when someone cancels without giving an excuse/apology it's basically like telling the other person to fuck off. not sure how to approach this.

Here's a good text game guide:
http://www.simplepickup.com/forum/becom ... rview.html

People flake all the time. I'm sure you've flaked at least once in your life. Don't let other peoples' action phase you. Just do what you wanna do. Here's my philosophy:

If other people follow you then rad, if not then that's their loss. At least you're doing something you want to do.

_________________
The ultimate lesson of psychoanalysis is that human life is never "just life": we are possessed by the strange drive to enjoy life in excess, attached to a surplus which derails the ordinary run of things.
-Slavoj Zizek

It is not creepy to open a stranger on Facebook.

I've gotten a lot of flakes on Facebook but usually not on first plans.... I doubt if comfort is the problem - you get a lot of comfort cred by default when a chick is your friend on Facebook. It's more likely value.

she's not my friend, i never added her

well, to sum this up.

i didn't have any hopes but i decided i'll reinitiate just to make sure. i opened with something like a "guess what?" opener, she replied with just "what". i answered with a short fun tease, no reply to that. so i dropped it, moving on. trying to keep this going is just a waste of my time because she clearly lost interest. you live and learn.

i really have no idea how this fun conversation got so wrong. it started really fucking good. that's how it is with online i guess.

Nah man, You should've just added her. Or you should've just asked one of your mutual friends to bring her along. Easy.

_________________
The ultimate lesson of psychoanalysis is that human life is never "just life": we are possessed by the strange drive to enjoy life in excess, attached to a surplus which derails the ordinary run of things.
-Slavoj Zizek

Ok, comfort may be the problem....