It all started with Lesley. It was years ago, and I was still a shy little shit. We were classmates at my college and on good terms. Until one day, I asked her out and didn't take rejection well. I went mad the whole day till I slept. And that very night I went to bed, I wanted to be in the darkest deepest void I ever wanted to be in.

And then woke up... Boom. Whole different person. My memories still intact, but my whole personality changed. I was lively and fun as fuck. I was a lot smarter. I could communicate really well. My thoughts became words, words became actions. I was totally new and reborn. My confidence level shot up like by lightyears. I even teased my dad, saying I beat him at it being finally confident at 17 (whilst my dad whom used to be shy, became fully confident at 19 after joining theatre).

Heck I even finally managed to talk to HalfAsian (she was a 10), whom I had a crush on for long before Lesley.

And then after about 3 weeks, that lively confident and brave personality of mine died. I struggled, for almost 2 years not knowing how to trigger it back.

But then I got it back by accident again lately, middle of this year. And ever since, it had been going on and off and on and off. Hell I even wrote down notes on how it triggers and what happens after a trigger.

So here's what it is:
-It's like my whole personality changes
-I become brighter and more full of life
-I was ultimately talkative
-I was thinking a lot smarter because my mind is empty from recurring and longing thoughts (over thinking)
-I never blushed
-I was sort of heartless? Like I felt like I don't give a shit.
-I could approach girls (or any other person honestly), without feeling intimidated.

In fact there are times when I'm my usually shy unconfident self, and then suddenly whilst walking, I feel like someting's trying to get out of my head, and then suddenly, boom, I was at ease, and I was my other self.

So the thing is, what exactly is this thing? I've read about people who've experienced this at experienceproject.com, but no one ever explained. And I know it's not DID because DID patients experience black outs and missing memory.

_________________
"Don't try to change who you are. Don't even think you're not good enough right now. You ARE good enough being who you are. Women can smell a fake man the same way you can smell cheesecake."

Know exactly how your feeling man happens to me all the time, I'm in a slump right now but I look around and I've got everything I could possibly want, what I find is that all I want is a few girls I can see when I want, now I've got that I'm frustrated because I want them to only want me and nobody else which is exactly the opposite to what I want. Confusing! Also, my game seems to be going pretty well so I up my standards, get blown out and it knocks me well and truly back into a slump. Seems like when I get what I want I no longer want it and want more.

But yeah I know exactly how your feeling, let me know if you find away to get out of it. Just taking a positive frame helps but only briefly then I go back to feeling shit.

I've been looking all over for solutions. Even talked to some friends about it. And they all seem to give me very good points. But they all don't seem to work. I truly have no idea how to trigger this optimistic personality. Like what you mentioned, I got my game up pretty good but then suddenly my shitty alter ego comes back and I immediately fail.

This has been truly annoying me. Because when I assume my optimistic alter ego, I could get things to work, I could lead a successful role. But then when my shitty alter ego comes back, it just sort of leaves me stranded or even destroys the whole investment I put up with.

I've found that the legit ways to assume the optimistic alter ego, is to either meditate or listen to really optimistic music like Bill Withers or something. Or actually even waking up on your own in the morning without anyone bugging you. But it's a wee bit unfair isn't it?

I mean I know a lot of people who've lead lesser boring lives and they are so fucking optimistic everyday I just have no idea how they were born like that. It's just not fair. I still have no solution to this.

_________________
"Don't try to change who you are. Don't even think you're not good enough right now. You ARE good enough being who you are. Women can smell a fake man the same way you can smell cheesecake."

There's this one solution though. I read a quote from Laozi (The teacher of Confucious) whilst reading an adventure novel. It says something like, "If you are depressed, you're living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. And if you are content, you live in the present".

What Laozi basically meant was that in order to not feel sad or anxious, you must live in the now. It is sort of effective. Well it should be because it makes sense. But sometimes even when I'm trying to live in the present, I can't shake off the other lives I'm living in my head. Thus I go back to assuming the role of my shitty alter ego.

Help please.

_________________
"Don't try to change who you are. Don't even think you're not good enough right now. You ARE good enough being who you are. Women can smell a fake man the same way you can smell cheesecake."