Okay, Im trying to do this as structured as possible

Girlfriend:
Outside perspective:
Girl is a HB6-7 and an 8 by her personality.
My perspective :
HB8-9; personality: 9

We’ve been going out for about 3 years now - lived together for about 2 of those years.
We often don’t share the same believes and fight but for some reason we cant live without each other.
She says she has strong believes but I noticed I’m able to change her believes. She always lives in the moment and doesnt like to plan things. We’ve also been on 3 big vacations ( > 4-5weeks) and a lot of smaller ones (weekend trips, etc.) We always say traveling is what connects us.
Im her first boyfriend. She’s 22 and I’m 28.


Situation:

A few weeks ago we had a huge fight and it basically lasted for a couple of days. We worked through it and for some reason I became a little needy afterwards because I noticed she wasnt investing as much as she used to. For an entire week I wasnt able to spend more than 10 minutes with her (I do work all day though).
Also started talking about another guy more and more (they work togethere). So basically:
we fought
I became a little needy afterwards and wanting to see her more / she turned me down for bs reasons
- during that time the guy must have smelled his chance (he must have liked her for a while, she told me)

Problem:

One friday she went to a party she was invited to and she wanted to spend the night there (she’s done that in the past, that was cool - never been jealous in 3 years) - But this time was different and I smelled it. Eventually I cought her the next morning getting out of the guys car. She of course made up all kinds of weird stories... (I guess I should have ended it right there) - She insisted nothing happened though. They just watched movies and blah. I told her I dont want her to see this guy anymore (other than where she works) and she agreed. The next week i stayed suspicious because she still acted strangely. I started reading her emails (she actually gave me her password) and I found out they were still talking and thinkging about their “night” together. Though he said it was good they didnt go further - though he would have liked to. (so I dont know whether they really made out or not - she cant have sex btw. (vaginism - if you want to look that up )
So after reading one last email when they mentioned their “night” together, I called her up while she was at a friends party she wanted to spend the night at (this was valid and the guys was also on a 2 week vacation) and I told her that I’ve read her emails and Im going to end it right now and so I did. That night she tried to call me 15 times - I then answered and she talked about loving me, having kids and bla. The next morning she came back really early (instead of coming back a day later as she had orig. planned). I let her cry for about a couple of hours before deciding to give her one last (second) shot.

Note: We are actually going on a big and expensive vacation and she basically pushed for it during all that time. I actually tried to convince her not to go (because I knew what was going on)

So what do I need help with? I dont know how to proceed from here. Right now she’s been on a camping trip with her church group (they do this every year) and I let her contact me. I dont call or text. When she does call or text I answer. She also started to say I love you again. But my instinct says she’s stil into this guy and Im sure she still talks to him on the phone (Emails stopped of course^^).

So besides breaking up with here what else can I do? Right now I dont want to end it but I also cant ignore what she had done and Im scared I’ll be to jealous from now on. Can I tell her not so see this dude anymore? I cant make her not see him but I can set borders and tell her that Im going to end it if she starts seing im again, correct? Although this battle could have been lost already. If I tell her not to see him it shows Im insecure...

Oh btw. the guy is 31... so a little old if you ask me but who am I to judge?

thx!

After reading your post in my opinion there is no "maybe cheated"...she cheated. Its up to you if you are ok with this which I'm sure your not. If you have dated her for 3 years you should be able to talk to her about what is happening in your relationship. If this does not work and you are not satisfied with answers then again in my opinion you have to next her. Probably will be hard but certain things can not be tolerated and cheating and lying are some of those. GOOD LUCK

above poster is right. she cheated.. and after a 3 year relationship you should be able to talk about anything.

Does her mouth and asshole slam shut too?

Hey if you want to justify a very expensive girl that cheats, and you can't have sex with? Who are we to judge? But as a suggestion, I think it's likely there are girls whom would love to go on those great trips that are NOT like that.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

IMO you don't have to sex with someone to 'cheat'.

It sounds as though you no longer feel safe with her. If you feel its worth it, broach the subject directly with her, let her know what's going on for you inside, and see how she responds. You're right, she shouldn't be in contact with this guy if she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable. It SOUNDS as though there may have been some intention between the two of them, and that in itself should be enough for her to regulate herself in staying away from him without your prompting.

Thanks for your responses! I really appreaciate it!

Yes, you are right n2thevoid, I no longer feel safe with her and I hate having to be jealous and always beeing suspicious. Even if they just cuddled (like she said) - it makes me sick thinking about it but I do feel like its worth saving the relationship if she wants to work on it.

So basically what I was trying to get out of this post:
- Do I actually tell her how I really feel? After all we've been dating for 3 years and I should be able to talk to her about anything, right? But Im sure there are some borders I should not cross as I don't want her to lose interest and I don't want to look wimpy.

- Shall I act like I don't care as in "I can do what you do and I'd easily find someone new/better"

- How much energy should I invest? Am I going to let her do all the work? Currently I let her call me and i never call or initiate a text message. But if she'd get frustrated with this behaviour she might run to the other guy who of course would do anything for her right now. So where's the line?

Btw. we both pay and paid for those vacations - so no hard feelings there. Even the upcoming vacation she insisted to go on - she paid for her part already (after the night with this guy). (this is actually the part I don't get - why she acts this way / cheating but still paying for the vacation and insisting to go)

Again, thx!

If you feel like th relationship is worth saving, then you have every right tell her exactly how you feel. And there is no borders you should not cross cause she crossed everyone of them when she cheated. You need to look her straight in the eye and tell her that you dont trust her right now.

Maybe the flame is gone for her, outside attention has caught her interest, things gone a bit dull recently? Make the holiday super awesome for you both. Yeah shit happens. She did whatever she did. if you love her you have no choice but to forgive her. If you can't forgive her, you don't love her. So move on.

Did anyone else read; ?

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I almost googled what vaginism is, but I decided against it fearing fucked up looking pics.

@ Heywood Jablowme:
Yes, well no - she cant. She suffers from vaginismus. We've been trying a lot but thats a different kind of issue and doesn't belong here. I just wanted to mention this because that way I know she couldn't have had sex with him.
Although - I might start another thread about this issue if we're ever happy again

@FinestTalent - you are correct - If I love her and I'd like to continue the relationship I HAVE TO forgive here - otherwise I don't have a choice wether I should break up with her or not.

I will talk to her and tell her that I don't want her to see this guy anymore. Im not going to enforce this though as I want this to be her decision to make. If she does something stupid Im gone.

@havegunwilltravel:
Its nothing fucked up. She is just too scared to have sex. Sometimes it just starts hurting when I touch her a little bit down there. She can have orgasms though and it doesnt hurt her all the time. But sex has been out of the question so far - we tried. Its all in her mind though as we went to several doctors to make sure she's ok.

i looked it up, cause i was curious. but his some help for ya.

SPAM of Vaginismus

SPAM of vaginismus involves "progressive desensitization" exercises. These exercises help women learn to control and relax the pelvic floor muscles around the vagina.

The exercises can be done at home. When practiced regularly they typically take effect over a period of weeks to months.

To try progressive desensitization, first practice basic Kegel exercises. Kegel exercises involve squeezing the same muscles you use to stop the flow of urine when urinating.

To do a Kegel exercise, take these steps:
contract the muscles
hold for two seconds
then relax

Do about 20 contractions at a time. You can do them as many times a day as you think to do them.

After a few days, do the exercises with a finger inside the vagina. It's a good idea to clip your fingernails and use a lubricating jelly. Or do the exercises in a bathtub, where water can be a natural lubricant.

Your finger needs to be inserted five or six centimeters. That's up to about the first knuckle joint.

Start with one finger and work your way up to three. Fingers are preferred because they allow you to feel the muscles contracting. They are also easy to remove if you start to feel any discomfort.

Women with vaginismus may also benefit from therapy to ease fear and anxiety about sex or sexual functioning.


Another option is that her vagina has to be stretched to be able to have sex.

Just messing around with the messed up pics comment, but thanks for the answer. If you have been with this girl for 3 years and have not had sex with her, I would say this is the problem! Find a way, the above poster pointed you in the right direction but I'm sure there is a ton more stuff on the interweb just go find it and figure out how to bang her. Even if she suffers from some mental problem with her vaginal she still wants sex even if she doesn't realize it. Having sex will no doubt make you closer and more intimate. Start small and slow and work your way up. GOOD LUCK

Indeed, this is definitely an issue. It's just really hard to convince her to keep trying. For example we've ordered one of those dilator sets and she actually started getting results but one day it didnt work as well as before/expected and she simply quit. Couldn't convince her to keep trying no matter what I said/did. Now when she actually tries every once in a while it again hurts with the smallest size. We've also tried reeeeeaaaaally long foreplay, the use of alcohol (not getting wasted! just to relax a little bit), massage techniques and so on. I think I've been to every website about this there is. We actually found a place in New York that treats this sort of condition but it's about $10.000. I told her we can save up for this and I'll support her but she thinks its too much money.

For the last few months I actually did put less energy into it as I came home from work and she was sad/complaining because of this basically every night. No matter what I said/suggested - she wouldn't want to stick to it. I just didnt know what to do anymore and I focused on my career. So the no-sex thing didn't actually bother me too much (we still did other stuff). I really care about her and I'd do anything to help her - even save up this huge amount of money - but trying to support someone on an issue who isn't putting enough energy into it themselves on a long time basis...

I think this subject is getting off track here but I really do appreciate the suggestions you guys made - and I do see where I might have to improve my behaviour. Maybe I should start another thread about this.

Take some time and reflect on what's been working in the relationship and what's not been working in the relationship. Moreover, think about what you value, and open the discussion to her to see what she values in a relationship too; the fact is people 'veer', or attention seek outside the relationship because some need or needs aren't being met by their partner. This isn't to suggest the partner can't meet those needs if made aware, but more often then not we cling to our assumptions that our partner "should just know" and that somehow they choose to be non-responsive to those unmet needs.

Once you've determined what you want in the relationship you should share this with her. You've got nothing to lose at this point, if she tells you she is unwilling or unable to meet those needs then you know its time to move on. At this point she'll likely 'capitulate' or agree to meeting those needs, here is where you establish the new frame for the relationship to move forward in a healthy way. Your current situation can be turned into something very positive, or you can cling onto your distrust towards her and not move forward, and even worse regress to a point where the two of you are in an insecurities-based relationship where you're governed by your attachment fears, not love.

If you are genuine and authentic, and model the behaviors you want in the relationship to her, you can't ever go wrong. If you insist on playing games and being egoic, the relationship will simply be rebuilt on an insecure base and you'll have a derivative of what you've got now.