The story:

I've been dating this girl for almost a year now. It started out as a bit of fun and then we started doing more and more things together. We have similar interests and get along very well and she is very into me. I know she feels the same way - she said if I wanted a "relationship" she would say yes. However, we were never "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend.

We could both see other people which suited me at the time. The problem is, after a while it started killing me. I had real feelings for this girl, and I couldn't bear the thought of her out seeing other guys, literally every night I thought she was out I was sitting almost having an anxiety attack. So, I can't do the FWB thing with her any more.

We kinda cooled off in the last few weeks because she was busy with work and my feelings for her cooled too. But I know what we had was pretty special. So I need to decide *now* what I want - a relationship? or nothing at all? I can't be "non-exclusive" any more.

"Proper" relationship bad?

But I don't know if I want a relationship. I don't want to give up gaming because I'm getting better at it and starting to get success and I still have a lot to learn. I don't think I've yet got all the "singleness" and having sex with girls just for fun out of my system.

Also, she's about a HB6/6.5 and I'm attracted to her, but not hugely. I worry that in the future when she's older and I'm not that attracted to her that I'll regret it, and that I'll regret not gaming for more years and maybe finding a girl who has the personality AND that I'm more attracted to.

"Proper" relationship good?

But I have really strong feelings for her and personality wise we are a perfect match, and I mean perfect. I know she's really into me and I could be in a comfortable relationship with her, which is important to me because I don't want to have to constantly battle to hold onto a girlfriend. I know we could be really happy together if it wasn't for what I said in the previous section.

Conclusion...?

Also, as a smaller, and more temporary point, but still worth mentioning: she's just moved into a house with a bunch of guys as housemates - I really don't want a girlfriend who lives in that environment (overly sensitive?).

So I'm really stuck. I don't know what to do. This is absolutely killing me. It's gonna have to be either a full relationship with this girl, or stop seeing her. I can have either. The choice is mine.

Has anyone been in the same position? Does anyone have some advice for me? I really really need some good advice right now

I know exactly how you feel man... I was just in that situation NOT too long ago. Personally, what I did was chose the "gaming" and ill tell you why.. there are over 3 billion women this world.. THINK about that for a sec... there are 9/10s just waiting for a guy like you to meet them however you wont find that opportunity if you just settle... on the contrary , if you do really like this girl.. she should STILL have feelings and be attracted to you.. so if you still have the "green light" then go for her.. however if she has moved on, then so should you... I would STILL game girls with my ex-gf however I never cheated on her.. I just had my options held conservatively .. just a thought

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Its more than JUST picking up women ........ its picking up a LIFESTYLE.

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly! Just to clarify, she hasn't moved on. The option is there if I want it... for now. But I need to act fairly quickly.

It really just comes down to if you REALLY want this girl or not. (: but good luck with the decision ...

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Its more than JUST picking up women ........ its picking up a LIFESTYLE.

If you want to sleep with other girls then forget the relationship thing.
However keep in mind that it doesn't matter if a girl is a 9 or a 6 (I hate these numbers) because the physical attraction will fade after some time anyway. After a certain time what matters is how much effort you both put into maintaining a relationship.
Btw just asking this question means to me that you are not 100% satisfied with the relationship.

This is a simple question, but people, myself included, have a tendency to make decisions harder than they really are.

When you are with this girl, and feeling good, and a hot chick walks by, are you tempted to game the hot chick? Or when you are with her, do you never see other hot chicks that you want to game? If the latter, it means when you are with her, you don't even notice who is around you. Because there are always women you could game around at times.

In an nutshell, if you aren't interested in gaming other women when you are with her, then you're fine, date her and you likely won't have an issue. If however, you are tempted to game women when you are with her, I'd shy away and remain single.

Let's examine this logic. You can't cope with the idea of her sleeping with other guys. If you are FWB's with her, then she'll sleep with other guys. However, if you break up with her, then she'll still sleep with other guys. So my question is: what exactly do you gain by breaking up with her?

If you are that worried about her sleeping with other guys, then you've left monogamy as the ONLY option. Moreover, you still want to date other women.. so the only way you can logically do that is to date this girl (so that she's monogamous) and then cheat on her.

Better solution: Figure out why the thought of her seeing other people bothers you so much and then try and work through those emotions. Also, in the future, follow the FWB rules (it's obvious that you see this girl more than once or twice a week): http://puarticles.blogspot.com/2008/01/ ... rules.html

Lastly, GFTOW (it's advice I almost never give, but it's entirely applicable to the situation.. you just aren't getting enough sex / female attention).

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

I agree with wolf in that this is an inner issue and it would be stupid to next her. I have the same situation right now in a LTR. My girl is a 8.5 and we are "in a relationship like you...but its not official". I know she has orbiters (like most girls do...the hotter the more orbiters...standard) but i dont let that get to me. I told her if she fucks some other dude right now and I found out about it wed be done (hard next). its a respect thing for me and a health thing. Iv set this frame and have been very clear with her.

Like you my girl is very into me and she and I get along very well (personality wise and sexually). She is always very open with me about everything. I honestly dont worry about the other orbiters trying to get with her. If she is willing to through our relationship away for a 1 night stand or some other dude she isnt the girl I thought she was and its an easy HARD NEXT.

So for you it comes down to staying FWB and not let other guys spin you out... Knowing that if she were to be playing you that you would just next her ass. This also gives you more freedom to sarge without guilt and maybe find better. Or you can get into a relationship and be happy with her...and be exclusive.

Like you said its in your control... you just have to have a better understand of what is really going on. If she is a 6 to 6.5... its highly unlikely she is going to be banging a lot of other dudes bc she just doesnt get hit on as often as a 9 or 10.

***Be more secure with yourself and that you are her BEST option... and she knows there is something special with YOU. Not some other tool. And if she disobeys. NEXT and move on. Keep it SIMPLE.

GL
DUKE

Thanks for all the replies. They've been very helpful.

I met up with her last night, for the first "proper date" in 5/6 weeks. I didn't mention any of this even though we had talked about it earlier. I feel really affectionate for her... like almost getting choked up when I think about it (what a pussy I am ), thinking about her as a person and all the fun times we've had. And we have great chemistry and shared interests. But at the same time, I've had way better sex with other girls, and she doesn't fully satisfy me that way. And I still don't feel I'm ready to give up singleness.
Sounds like you're speaking from experience. I would think if a girl starts out smoking hot (as in good genes, keeps in shape) then chances are when she's older she'll still look good and keep me attracted. Whereas another less attractive girl will end up fatter, not looking as good, I won't be attracted to her. This is a worry to me. However, it's something I have little experience of, so if any older guys would like to enlighten me on this I'd love to hear it.
Correct, I'm fairly satisfied with it, but not totally, because of the reasons I mentioned in the original post. Do you think these problems will grow as a relationship progresses?
When I was first with her, and I was out at a bar with her or walking round town I couldn't care less about other chicks. I think this might just be the novelty of having a girl who's totally focused on me, and liking that, because I never really had that before. Now, I'm not totally focused on her, but still mostly. When I'm away from her I still want to game.
Good question. If I break up with her, she's out of sight, out of mind, gone, forgotten, I don't care any more (well, mostly). This happened to an extent for the last few weeks where we weren't seeing each other. I didn't really care then because in my mind she was almost gone. But if I'm seeing her, I have feelings for her. Which is why it makes it difficult to continue with things as they were.
I have a couple of other girls on the go who I see regularly. But can you ever have enough sex/attention? I think it's because out of all the girls I've been seeing, she's the one I've managed to connect with by far the best, and seems a perfect match personality wise. But as another poster said earlier, there are 3 billion women in the world. I could game for another 10 years, have a lot of fun, and end up with an even better woman at the end.
Interesting. Are you suggesting seeing other girls but not allowing her to see other guys? Seems blatantly unfair lol. And not something I've ever really thought of. How'd you set that up? I can't imagine it would be easy to even set that frame / get her to agree. I think I'd feel guilty about that. But any option is worth considering.

Maybe I should try to keep her as a FWB (which I know I originally said was not an option), but work on keeping my feelings for her in check. That's the real problem in the end. If I could do that, I'd be quite happy to see her as a FWB and keep gaming - which is a win win, with the caveat that I might lose her. But you can lose a girl in a relationship anyway.

Anyone have any ideas about how to keep those feelings in check and keep seeing her?

And I'd also really like to hear more about what you said dukehoopz30 About gaming but not letting the girl see other guys. Just out of interest...

Interesting. Are you suggesting seeing other girls but not allowing her to see other guys? Seems blatantly unfair lol. And not something I've ever really thought of. How'd you set that up? I can't imagine it would be easy to even set that frame / get her to agree. I think I'd feel guilty about that. But any option is worth considering.

Maybe I should try to keep her as a FWB (which I know I originally said was not an option), but work on keeping my feelings for her in check. That's the real problem in the end. If I could do that, I'd be quite happy to see her as a FWB and keep gaming - which is a win win, with the caveat that I might lose her. But you can lose a girl in a relationship anyway.

Anyone have any ideas about how to keep those feelings in check and keep seeing her?

And I'd also really like to hear more about what you said dukehoopz30 About gaming but not letting the girl see other guys. Just out of interest... [/quote]


I think you are miss interpreting what I am getting at. You arnt telling her she cant see other people... like you said that is unfair and she will never buy into that. You just arnt letting the other guys (if any) make you feel insecure. I tell my girl the same thing.. go out...have fun... flirt bc I know at the end of the day shes calling me and sucking my cock. And if she isnt.... then its done... NEXT. Simple.

So to conclude you can keep her as what you want, you can treat her as your GF (even if its not official) and because its not official rationalize still going out and sarging w/o the guilt of "im in a relationship is the moral to be hitting on other girls.. blah blah". Your young.. have fun..flirt...game girls.. but that doesnt mean you are sleeping with 10 other ones either. If she ever asks just tell her your enjoying yourself and mixing it up.. its part of who you are.. your a fun outgoing guy...not a sloot.

GL
Duke

Thanks for getting back to me on this. When you say it doesn't mean you're sleeping with 10 other girls do you mean not sleeping with any other girls except this one girl?

The reason I ask is, although gaming interests me, I don't do it as an end in itself. I do it to sleep with girls. So it's not so much as girlfriend vs gaming as girlfriend vs sleeping with lots of girls. That's my dilemma at the moment. Because as you said, I can still game when I have a girlfriend. Anyway, maybe I'm still not quite understanding you

he's basically saying that if you can either keep this girl as an exclusive and game other chicks without sleeping with them. However if you do wanna bang other chicks then you gotta let the main chick go cause its unfair to try to keep the main girl under lock and key while yourself going out and fucking girls left and right.

Make your choice!!

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Thanks for the info guys. It was very helpful.

I decided to go back to the way things were. ie. seeing each other but no "relationship".

A couple of you mentioned it would be stupid to next her - good advice.

So now I need to learn to deal with my feelings. ie. this: Does anyone have any ideas on how to do this? Or articles they can point me to?

Thanks