My whole relationship (8 months) i have been the one chasing, the one adapting to be able to hang out.

it has let to me being insecure as hell, overthinking every text every situation and so on.

I can see when we message, if i write anything, she immediately assumes that i am sad or i thinking she doesn't love me. And so my insecurity gives her verification.

i have tried to get more confident and so on but it is really hard, and i haven't been able to make it happen yet. So i am thinking if i can make her more insecure, i will get verification from her insecurity and then be able to relax, and balance the relationship more...

any advice on how to reframe??

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

Ok, making her insecure because you are insecure is a very bad idea. You'll only get mixed up in negative emotions, and in the end you are still insecure.

How much do you text, and how much do you invite her over?

There are a couple things you can do to gain confidence. You should mark out goals. For example:
- Travel twice a year.
- Make new friends.
- Read a book.
- Get promoted at work.
- Get more fit.

There are loads of goals you can achieve. Imagine what would make you happy.

Then take a notepad and write down what you exact need to do to achieve these goals. Day-by-day.

You have to trust me on this one, it will increase your confidence, dream big, achieve goals, and you'll see your relationship will benefit from it. Reframe to the best you can possibly be, don't reframe in making her worse.

i can see your point, the thing is I find it hard to gain confidence from other things than my relationship.
My grades are better then ever, and i have a good plan for future jobs and such.
Before i got together with my girlfriend, i had a high confidence really high! but she just never gives me affirmation, she told me she thought her ex was looking good, before she ever told me... It has completely destroyed my confidence, and when things goes bad with her, everything else doesn't seem to matter

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

That's a messed up a thing for her to say but women sometimes say things about their exs not knowing the effect of what they said has on us. The best way to go about is to replace him by being a better man and providing her a relationship that is better than what she had with him.

To be able to do that you really need to work on yourself..alot! Wanting to make her insecure is a horrible horrible and even sick idea. Work on your personality, making friends, and social skills. It will bring happiness and confidence in your life. You can also hit the gym and build muscle. A combination of those things will get her to notice and feel more attracted to you.

There is no quick solution. But the rewards of a hard one will be with you for life.

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I agree w all the posters above. This is an inner game issue and its manifesting in the outer. Have you ever thought being in a relationship might not be what you want right now? It seems to be eating at you and your insecurities. To re-frame at this point is going to take some work..but it can happen. Set ground rules... so you both dont get hurt. Also just be busy and doing things for a week and see if she hits you up... if not then let it be... eventually she will text you if you are her BF.

GL
Duke

I have actually talked to a shrink about it as well..

But generally i really want to be in a relationship, but at this point i have gotten second thoughts, and i am wondering if I just should let her go..

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

Sounds to me like your love language is words of affirmation.

This means that either you are insecure, or you simply want people to verify what you think about yourself. Being in a relationship that doesn't provide this can be tough, especially when the relationship itself keeps you from getting that affirmation from elsewhere.

Before your relationship, you said you were confident. Now you are not. It's worth considering whether any relationship that doesn't make you a better person than you are without it is worth remaining in.

Well at least affirmation, cause another feeling i remember is when she is with her best friend (pretty much gay friend) and i feel like i am a third wheel, which makes me feel bad as well..

but yes i have really thought it through, but whenever i am with her and it goes well, i just feel like i want to be with her forever, and occasionally she does really nice things for me as well (she bought clothes to me from Nice where she had spent 5 days), and when i asked for her plans she said that she hadn't really planted to do other things than be with me the next week, at least when i had time. And these things really made me feel good. We have so much fun together, and in most ways we are close to the perfect match. But i am starting to overreact about everything, how she kisses me goodbye, how sweet she writes me and such... but i really don't want to let her go neither, dammit it is hard!

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

You are coming off to me at needy. Seems like you when you are with her, and along with other people, and you are not the center of her attention at that moment you get down on yourself. Also some people speak better with their actions rather than there words. She with out of town and bought alot of nice clothes for you? That sounds like she was thinking bout you the whole time she was gone. Is there anything better to verify to that she wants you, than to be thinking bout you the whole time she is out of town without you?

Big deal if she thinks her ex is looking good, or any other random guy. As long as she still show the proper interest in you and is honest and trustworthy to you.

[quote="Valdemar1"]
Before i got together with my girlfriend, i had a high confidence really high! but she just never gives me affirmation[/quote]

You have to learn (train yourself) to not "need" affirmation. Not from her, not from anyone. YOU are a man & to be "the man" for your woman means you "man up" & dont be "needy" for her validation.Even if you lose her. You gotta be willing to lose her bro. Remember, you WANT a woman, you dont "need" her, per se.

It may be too late for this girl, but maybe not. Try sprinkling in a little jealousy (not alot until you get good at calibrating, as your shift in behavior can alarm her that youre being unfaithful or cause a large rift.)

What you're describing is what has happened to many of men over time, in marriages. It has only taken 8 months for your case, many men have 10-30+ year marriages and their women are still beating him up for power, or shes just happy being in control, or shes now just using him for resources, not giving him sex & maybe giving another dude the sex.

Im not dogging you, this has to happen to alot of dudes before they get the frame that they are not going to allow this scenario to happen again. You develop the "Hey woman..Im the man here, dont act like you run this show" Its easier if established at the beginning of your relationship, but occasionally you gotta "flex up" or "man up".

Its called "self respect" and its up to you to allow someone to treat you.

Have you heard the double standard that it is always the mans fault? Well that's what we gotta work with.

So if she is treating you poorly, guess what bro. its YOUR fault by womens rationales because you "allowed" her to treat you this way. Shell giggle with her BFFs & maybe the new dude shes fucking later that you "have no backbone".

OK.So thats rough & (maybe) overexaggerated but it can happen.

So. first, stop "needing" her validation & affirmation.
Start taking the lead & commanding her. If she bitches, tell her to "knock it off" or "shut up". Chances are good she'll run her mouth like crazy if you do that. Just ignore mostly or saying "OK" & "allright" to sound like you are permissing her.

You are a man, right? A man amongst men? Youre letting girls in the club house. Your woman needs to live for you and if shes not you need to either tighten her up(no physical violence please, its not needed) or you find a woman that will live for you

Your post here indicates that your emotions are making you needy. You say you feel bad when you are with her and a gay friend of hers. Are you the third wheel, or are you just imagining that because you are insecure that you don't have her undivided attention.

What she likely will find most attractive is a guy who doesn't need to be the center of her attention 100% of the time. There is a classic, perfect explanation for this. Women are in relationships with men for certain reasons. When you act needy, you act like a child. If you need to be the focus of her attention all the time, you are just like a kid. Women don't date children, nothing will kill a sex drive more than a kid nagging at her all the time for more juice, or help with a puzzle, or to read a book, or whatever. You get the point.

You've written enough here that even if she is part of the problem, you are also part of it. Stop thinking about wanting her for the rest of your life, and start worrying about what you can do for yourself for the rest of your life. I'm not saying dump her or treat her like shit. Just work on getting to a place where you can accept that you can be important to her, and not be the center of her attention all the time. If you are able to do that covertly and not blow it while you progress, you'll find that she will be chasing you or invested heavily by the time you've gotten where you need to be.