So i've been in a steady relationship for 7 months right now and I'm starting to notice a lot of things change. We've had a playful, fun and sexual relationship for the past few months but it seems that i'm becoming to dependent to my relationship. When we first dated, i wasn't the kind of guy that threw around compliments and i love you messages. I kept it tense, mysterious and sexual. After a few months she started messaging me things such as ''I'm so glad we met, I really do love you with my heart''. etc... After some LT thinking, I decided to commit myself to this relationship because i had a good feeling about it. What i started to do was slowly hang out less with my friends and be with her all the time. It went good untill recently where we had a pretty big fight since she was to dependent and she ended up saying she really missed the tension in her life. She's a flirty type of girl and she likes male attention. When we dated she stopped going out cause she felt happy with me and wasn't that interested in going out. Her sex drive has also been less and it's been hard to get to that point with her, she's either tired, not in the mood or any other excuse. When i look at the relationship, i do have to say that she has a point, i have become a safety net. Our emotional connection is fine but i cant offer her the same feeling anymore since I've weakened down and it's hard to get out of it.
What i really find annoying is that i find myself to dependent to her aswell. I dont feel like going out, i've dropped my friends, always wanted to make her happy etc..

Another thing i can't really understand is the way she constantly changes her mindset. One day she's all about LT discussions, married, children, that her need to go out is finished since she's happy with me ... the other day she tells me how she misses things, that she wants to go out again, planning things without asking me (while she said she never wanted to go out without me when i gave her the opportunity to do so).
Another thing that annoyed me as fuck was that she went to this guy she knew, never picked up my phonecall and told me she never heard her phone while all the other days, she answered instantly. She didn't keep it a secret that she went out though.

When all of this came together, i decided to change things around. I planned a festival for myself in 3 weeks, and i'm going out with a hb8 next week, i also picked up contact with some of my friends. What i want to avoid is having this feeling of not wanting to lose the relationship and have her influence my behaviour all the time with sweettalk. I always plan things, and eventually throw them away for my girlfriend. I'm afraid of losing her since i am dependent on our connection, but on the other hand i want to get back to my old roots and have the ''dont give a shit'' mindset and live my life without worries and facing the challenges that i used to love.

What do you guys think i should do to get my mindset again?

That's what happened to me as well.

First 3/5 months I didn't give a shit, she was the one crying to get into the relationship, bringing me gifts, cleaning my room and doing all the shit for me. As soon as we got "official" everything changed. Now it looks like she doesn't give a shit and I catch myself worrying/being jealous often. Still not sure what the fuck happened but trying to not think about it and just focus on work/gym/other shit.

True , it's the main reason I'm on this forum now to.

To me it seems that -when in this situation- one has to make a conscious deciscion to focus on personal interests not involving the attention in any form of other people (cause if it did it would be "needy")... What you really want/your desire is a harder thing to influence then your focus.

But it is pretty hard to balance the "choosing for yourself" and the "choosing for her" parts, I mean the emotional drive to "please her" -I think- is nothing more then -as David D states- : " Trading status for approval". You giving her aproval and expecting her to regard you as high status just doesn't work although it feels like a natural thing to do. But it would be harsh to never give her aproval right?

And immediatly start dating with a HB is also something that comes natural. I also did it.

But now I think it all boils down to a matter of "mindset" and here is my theory:


When longer in a relationship your girlfriend starts to take a bigger and bigger role in your life.

Before the relationship one was getting the different forms of social interaction and satisfaction from a lot of different people and one was satisfied in the attention one is getting.

Therefore in the beginning one could project an image of gratification or "not being needy" and the girl would fall for that person.

But as your gf takes a bigger and bigger role in your life (background: we are also not "programmed" to be monogamous so that makes it even harder) you're natural response is to start utilizing a bigger spectrum of means of social interaction in communicating with her, a spectrum which also encompasses being needy.

So I now think the thing to do is be aware of the above.

Then you can relax and see it as it is , a little loophole in which you fell.

And then you can change it.

I think you're mostly right,

I've done some thinking myself as well and i gotta say, i think a lot of my needy actions had to do with sex. When we first started dating, we had an immense amount of sexuality between us and it pleased me a lot, she just had the greatest sexual energie around her and such a nice body that she got me warm the minute she looked at me. Eventually once the more stable periode arrived and things became normal, her sexuality went down, but her emotionel side went up. Eventually it got me really annoyed because for some reason, a day or 3 without sex (especially around her) made me feel aggressive. This is the period when more and more problems came. Eventually i think i got to a point where i'd do a lot, just to get her turned on and it never worked out.

On the other hand, there were also days where i wasn't that sexually loaded and we had amazing days, days i would gladly take instead of going out. So like you said, i also became more dependent on these kind of days, which drew me more towards her.

You've become emotionally invested, that's what happened. In other words, you care about the relationship. Happens to us all.

There's truth to the old adage "don't put all of your eggs in one basket"

That said, of course the more invested you become in a relationship, the larger the role it plays in your life. The key is trying to have some sort of balance between self, relationship, and your obligations to others (friends, family, children etc.).

Its part of life. The more you stress about it, the more it will inhibit your ability to attain some level of balance. Find a new hobby, or get back into one you've lost touch of, hangout with some friends, get involved in the community, there are countless ways of striving for balance which will not only contribute to your own wellbeing but also to the wellbeing of the relationships you're involved in.