Okay so its been quite a while since I have been here. I sure did dive in head first at the start and boy did it pay off. I got to the point where it was just so easy to pick up whoever I wanted. No one was out of my league. It was really great and I had a wonderful time pushing the boundaries. So what happened next? Of course you all know, I wanted a girlfriend because I got tired of the game. I picked the girl I wanted who seemed unreachable before. And sure enough I got her!

Well it has been about 1 1/2 years we have been dating now. At first it was long distance (only 2 hours but still long distance). We had fun and saw each other very often. Well finally she moved and it was almost overnight that the you know what hit the fan. I think being both in our 30s and already quite independent made it even harder. It has been about 4 months she has been living with me and the fighting continues. It is a fight over control, even over the little stuff. Who will do this? Who will pay for that? Who picks this? Whos doing what? It is a real pain and I dont know how much energy I have left.

I just dont understand, and maybe I never will, why a woman has to try to change a man. Is it some need they have to complete a project that they 'changed him' or something? I have stood my ground and let me tell you it has paid off. She is a beautiful girl and used to having guys buy her love, even the men in her family always spoiled her rotten and I just refuse to play that game. It has bit me in the butt on more than one occasion by causing lots of drama but whatever, it is worth not creating a precedent in my opinion.

The main problem now is she is still trying to control everything to the point that I am just tired of it and about to pull the pin (that is my expression for pulling pin in your head when it is time to let it go, once the pin is out it is too late to go back). I really love her I just wish I knew a better way of getting her to learn to compromise. A friend once told me, 'if you cant find a good woman, raise one.' And boy was he right. They are all spoiled and every single one has daddy issues that she cant let go of. They have all seen The Notebook and think that if their relationship isnt the same there is something wrong.

So I dont know what I am asking for. Advice? Maybe. Or maybe just the kick in the ass to cut this one loose. Again, I love her and want it to work. I just dont know how much more I can deal with and telling her that doesnt seem to help.

Bear in mind she moved 2x hours away to be with you. That is a big deal.

Remember that before she moved, she had that support network of friends and family nearby. Now that she's living with you she doesn't have the same level of emotional support she used to have. Try to differentiate between her arguing a valid point and actually just venting for the sake of getting frustration off her chest. You should be happy she is vocalising problems. It's more common for couples to bottle up feelings, then you don't realise there's a problem until BOOM! she's gone.

Encourage her to go out with the girls more often and let her bitch about you there. That way she vents to them, she gets it off her chest and calms down at home.

Don't let things get monotonous. Sex should be different every time and Keep it top of the priority lists.

Her oxytocin levels are too low and this is manifesting as the stress you describe.

A girl who is satisfied with you sexually will be nicer with you emotionally. You have several options to increase her oxytocin level naturally such as:

• 1. Cuddle up some more.
  
  2. Get her a cat or a dog. It might be an additional chore to take the dog out for a walk, clean poop, or shower and brush the fur but her stress levels will be lower. This means that she will vent on you less. To manage pets well, get a smaller dog so the poop will be lesser and shower time will be quicker.
  
  3. Learn to give her several vaginal orgasms. To do this, give her 2-3 successive clitoral orgasms first and then bang her. Her vaginal orgasms will peak faster than when you bang her without any preparatory clitoral orgasms.
  
  4. Get her some soap opera DVDs that she can watch. If you're too tired to give her the emotional rollercoaster ride that her body is craving for, then she can get the emotional highs and lows vicariously. Girls need drama. Give her some.
  
  5. Make babies. This is the highest investment and most stressful activity that you can give her but if you really love her, it's about time that you gave your rightful share to the human race.

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Thanks for all the replies. Yes, I have told her this a number of times and a number of different ways.

After reading some of your replies and doing a bit of reading last night I realize that I have been doing a few chump things and doing a few things right. Now I know that I cannot go so far as to soft next her seeing as we live together but I do have the ability to not take the bait when she hangs it out there. I have been taking the bait more than I should have and only feeding the attention craving bs. I know women need attention but it should be the healthy kind and not the kind a kid craves by stomping his foot; I have never been keen on that and have put my foot down on it. However, I realize that by engaging her in an argument I am still reinforcing this bad behavior.

I also did a bit of reading about re-establishing my alpha role in the relationship. When you merge lives I suppose it is normal to slide into a beta role at times since you are sharing your life; and if you are the type of man that wants a real partnership you have to share your life and compromise at times and not just always be boss hog.

So anyways, last night I tried not to go there with her when she started her nagging. I made fun of her tantrums and I even grabbed her playfully at times then ignored her at others. When she was going to bed and not sure of where things stood and I could tell she was feeling a bit lost I snuggled up good with her. I think I just needed to check my frame. She is a tough bitch at times and she is one of the 'i hate drama' drama queens sometimes. I just have to keep my frame tighter.

On another note the sex has been pretty much non-existent lately. When all this fighting and bitching started I pretty much lost interest because of all the drama. She is really craving it lately and I am the one that now controls it. Now sex can be positive reinforcement for not being dramatic. She can have her drama in other areas of her life where it doesnt affect me. I wont encourage drama with a reaction any longer.

If anyone has any other advice about alternatives to soft freeze type moves when living together I am all ears.

Thanks!

Is she really "craving" drama, or is it more a case of her repeating herself because you're being non-responsive? Very few people actually crave drama, with exception of those with legitimate personality disorders, who rarely engage in dramatic behavior for the sake of being dramatic in itself.

Thats an interesting point you make. However, whether it is a craving or a case of non-responsiveness isnt it the same thing? Shouldnt it be handled in the same way? I would consider being responsive to be a bad solution since it encourages behavior. If it is a case of repeating herself for attention shouldnt I continue to be non-responsive?

They are quite different. People crave attention for a variety of reasons (e.g., they're feeling ignored, rejected, or isolated). By non-responsive, I was inferring that perhaps you aren't meeting her needs and that's where the maladaptive behavior originates. Its possible she just doesn't know how to convey it to you (e.g., difficulty with self-expression, or perhaps scared by your possible reaction etc.). It is in this vein that I don't believe she's just creating drama for drama's-sake. Turn down the volume on what she's saying and explore the behavior more.

If you're being non-responsive to the woman's needs then by using PUA tactics such as freezing out, or acting aloof, for example, you'll only compound the problem. What I'd do is 1) figure out what type of relationship you want with this girl (square peg, square hole), and 2) model those behaviors (e.g., if its a woman you want a LTR with then model authenticity through open communication - even if she's not initially doing so, by modeling this sort of behavior she'll adapt).

The dominant train of thought when it comes to courtship and relationship behavior is to look at these from a psychological point of view. Innovative researchers like Dr. Helen Fisher and Karl Grammer provided an alternate viewpoint by studying courtship and relationship behavior from a physiological point of view.

Psychology versus physiology.

Compared with the psychological p.o.v on courtship and relationships, the physiological p.o.v. is relatively new with lesser volume of studies.

Here's a brief background on how oxytocin affects courtship and relationship behaviors from the US National Library of Medicine: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1621060/
This is basically pioneering science that we're trying to apply in PUA techniques versus using the traditional psychology perspective.

The idea in simple PUA terms is that when a girl is causing too much drama, she might be craving for a good fuck. This is not surprising since several reputable studies indicate (depending on the study) that some 70 to 80 percent of women are not having any vaginal orgasms at all in their relationships.

Solving your problem through this point of view could work or could not work. But it doesn't hurt to try something new especially when the old tricks are not working.

You might also be interested in this related study, Oxytocin Increases Trust in Humans, here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15931222

@n2thevoid: But of course, most normal girls without any serious medical conditions crave for drama more than men do. This is the reason why erotic romance novels, gossip magazines, reality TV, soap operas, etc. sell so well around the world. If girls can't get drama vicariously, they often create drama in their relationships so they'll feel alive. How? One way is they cheat on their boyfriends and husbands. Another good example is what the OP is undergoing; been there, done that.

I'm passionate in learning why these things happen so I won't make the same mistakes again in my relationships. Hence, I study scientific theory combined with the pick up arts.

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I am going to have to agree with hellhound on this one. I won't pretend to know as much as he does . it appears he is well read in these studies. however one thing I do know just from my own study of people is that they need drama. women especially need drama.
one example is this: have you ever known a rich girl? I mean one that has no bills or any worries related to money AT ALL? well if you do you will notice how they always want into other people's drama. I mean let's face it, a great number of lives troubles stem from financial woes. if you take that away what's left? rich girls need that drama even more because they dont get it honestly through lives challenges the rest of us face.


just something I noticed

hahaha get off ur soap box. what part of what u read so far made u think this is a healthy relationship at the moment?

Not sure if I agree with this line of thought. Just because you have more money, doesn't mean your life is problem-free.

That said, I think this thread might have gotten side tracked. It appears your problem is one of control. She's fighting for control, just as much as you are. This is clearly a case of clashing personalities. It all worked out during the honeymoon phase of your relationship because you both were madly in love and willing to compromise to make things work. But now that you've left that phase of your relationship, both of your true personalities are shining, and it's apparent that you both are leaders that want to be in charge.

If you want to regain control and send her back in the kitchen, you need to continue holding your ground. Getting exhausted of dealing with her? Time to gradually pull out the bigger guns. How about this line: "you know I really love you... But when we have trouble reaching agreements, sometimes I wonder if it'll work out." Don't forget to fuck her brains out after you've finished regaining control of a situation.

The OP has a problem which he himself diagnosed as about control. Since his self diagnosis was about control, naturally, the conventional wisdom is to recommend mature and open communication. However, as the OP pointed out, they did engage in mature and open communication and they're back to where they were before.

So I offered a different angle on the problem to hopefully come up with other solutions since one of the recommended solutions was not working.

I lived with a woman before and we had a daughter. My problem was when she got addicted to tv soap operas, she keeps on forgetting to cook my dinner when I came home late from provincial sorties with clients. We talked about this in a mature manner several times and emphasized the point that I expected a hot, home cooked meal when I got home every time from a very long road trip.

I was not the type of guy who went for a shouting match in arguments so she thought, since my tone in these conversations was calm and civil, that it's still okay if I slept hungry when I got home from work.

After some mature talk, I got good hot meals on 2 or 3 occasions and then it was back to where we were before. The last draw came when she fired the 65 year old or so housemaid who always prepared my hot breakfast before I went to work.

Mature communication did not work. But giving her the drama that she had been craving for worked like magic. I banged the new sexy housemaid. I banged a couple of girls from work. I banged girls I sarged at the malls. I simply banged every girl that showed some measure of interest.

That was when I got my hot meals consistently for two years.

Maybe the OP can benefit from the insight and hopefully, he can make his relationship work.

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I actually enjoy the scientific claims. Keep posting, Hellhound.

I had this realization awhile back during lunch while sarging the new cute waitress at a mom and pop street resto.

Men crave for those adrenaline and testosterone rushes while women crave those dopamine rushes. Adrenaline and testosterone are competitor's hormones while dopamine is a drama hormone.

Maybe this is the reason why we enjoy watching boxing and MMA while most women do not and instead enjoy cheesy romantic drama: http://portal.idc.ac.il/en/Symposium/HS ... vedo12.pdf

But I sure did enjoy eyefucking the hot babe, appreciating her curvatures and her tight ass and cute smiles.

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So, so true. Dated a rich hot girl for 3 years and she was obsessed with me the more I acted distant and flirted with other girls. The second I became dependable, gone. Great insight.