Well, your post is accurate for the most part, except for that passage. Just because you'd be telling her that, it doesn't mean you're relinquishing control. You can go ahead and breakup with her... And when she asks why, you can simply tell her you don't trust yourself in the relationship because you cheated on her. So this accomplishes two things: (1) you've shown you're no longer in pursuing the relationship (this is where you take control) and (2) you've come clean about your dishonesty. Takes a real man to do that, doesn't it? But at least you can feel proud you've done what most people on this forum are too cowardly (including myself) to do. On the plus side, it's POSSIBLE she'll weep, ask for forgiveness, and ask to remain with you. Not likely, but still possible.

But either way... It all comes down to one thing... Your relationship will likely end, one way or another.

I take it that her not contacting you first is communicating that she isn't serious about you or cares about you/interested in you. As I;ve said, if you're sure that she is interested in you from other signs then I won't dwell on it but different strokes.

I sense that this is more about you fearing she is losing interest. With your LTR ending and you saying that you "moped" I'd guess that it had something to do with her losing interest and ending things, or at least distancing herself in the relationship. Honestly, does your past relationship relate to this situation? What happened? Are there any other signs in your current relationship that makes you think she is losing interest? Has the sex stopped ,has she flaked on you, has she ignored your calls?

If she never initiated, then her not initiating doesnt mean she is losing interest. If she STOPPED initiating, then you can say she may be getting bored. The only one who has changed their actions in this relationship has been you.

Let's say your gf never gave you a bj in all these months. Would you one day assume she is losing interest? If she started off giving you bjs and stopped all of a sudden, then you could make a case that something is happening. From her point of view, you have stopped doing what you usually do so she probably thinks you are losing interest.

If you're not happy with how she is acting, talk to her. It may sound "beta" but its either that or break up. Any convo about this is going to end with you losing value. You'd have to say we need a break because you didn't contact me for a few days which sounds needy as fuck. I understand where you are coming from, but any girl hearing is gonna just hear you're sad because she didnt call you.

Don't rush to the negative assumptions about your relationship over one aspect. Christ, you didnt walk in on her fucking someone, she's not hanging with her ex ,and from her messages she sounds like she wants to see you. Don't let something so stupid and fear of getting dumped ruin you.
What has told you she has lost interest. SHE NEVER INITIATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. So either she was never interested in you, and just fucked you and dated you and whatever else, or her still not initiating means nothing. Who has changed their actions?

My advice would be to talk. Say communication is important to you and ask why she didnt. This IS communication. You can drop down an ultimatum, or you can discuss something calmly, see if it can be fixed and if not walk away.

Edit: Betamax, I'm confused. Didn't you say in the beginning that you could see why his gf would not be contacting him?

OP, you need to stop making such a big fuss of all this in your head. Telling her you want a break because there's a lack of communication will make you come off as a massive tool, and likely a single tool as a result. I don't see how telling her that you need her to talk to you more will help you in any way. It's incredibly needy. Initiate less, and if she ever asks, why you're not contacting her, THEN you can tell her that you expect the relationship to be even, but even then you won't come out completely unscathed. The best thing to do is to act like everything is fine and slowly transition to where she's initiating most conversations, as she learns to do it herself.
And FFS take your cheating revelations to the grave with you. There is NO need for her to ever know this, whether you're together or not. No good will come of it regardless of your intentions, and it will just hurt her more whether you're staying together or breaking up.

Yep. I said that it's logical if she doesn't initiate, because he set the precedent early on by initiating.

I'm not taking any sides. I'm simply trying to fit the OP's goal of regaining control AND getting him to admit guilt. Apparently that's the least popular idea here... But I cheated on my first girlfriend of five years when she was incredibly dedicated, loyal, and kind to me. I felt no guilt... Until we broke up. To this day, I feel like I have blood on my hands and I can't shake off these shitty feelings I have inside of me. I sometimes wish I could be given a second chance just to prove I could be a good boyfriend. But that will never happen, and I have to live with this guilt for the remainder of my life. If anyone has good advice on shaking off the feeling of eternal guilt, then by all means, I'm all ears. But I'm just trying to make sure the OP doesn't make my mistake.

It's best not to try to save a bad relationship. Seems to me she does not hold the same emotional value for u that you do for her. There r ways to intensify her emotional desire for u and if u wish to know ask and I'll tell u what I tell all my friends who come to me for that stuff. Best thing you can do now is break it off and start fresh. If she's not into the relationship as much as you r then bail.

Thank you neo,

I don't feel this has anything to do with my last relationship; but maybe I'm wrong. My ex and I lived about 3 hours apart. At the time, I was travelling back and forth for work and it was very convenient. With my new job, we saw each other less often. I felt we were ready to take the next step with her moving in. She didn't think she was ready. So we tried to make the long-distance thing work, but we just grew apart (mutually). I asked her out for Vday, but she already had a date. Honestly, I wasn't surprised or upset at all. That's when we decided to end it. I was a bit depressed because I felt we had something very special (at least in the first 18 months), and I missed that. But the situation doomed our relationship.

With that said, the sex has not stopped...albeit, I haven't seen her in over a week. She flaked our last date night. I invited myself to her place (which I frequently do), and she refused (which has not happened before). During the first month or so, she would initiate contact, and so would I. Then, it became less and less until I confronted her about it.

I didn't mention this in the first post. But there was a situation where she and her roommate had driven out of the state to "rescue" some guy friend (she friend zoned him) who had apparently been stranded. I seriously have no issue with that. I did have an issue with the fact that she had just left town without mentioning a word to me. It would have been different if she had said, "Hey, XXXXXX is stranded in XXXXXXX and I have to go rescue him." I would have said, "Okay, drive safe." But she said nothing about it. It bothered me enough to talk to her about it.

IIRC, the conversation went something like...(paraphrased)
Me: I don't mind that you went to get him. But why wouldn't you tell me about that? It's not like you just went down the street, you drove 200 miles away. Communication is very important to me.
Her: I'm sorry, sometimes I just act on a whim. But I understand and I'll work on that.

After that, everything back to normal for a couple weeks. Then the issue with the conversation on her phone...again, I don't care if she talks to other guys. She's hot...it happens. But why wouldn't she say anything about it after she told me that she would work on communication?

Most recently, her trip out of town this weekend which she would not have said anything about...except I happened to text her the previous night. This would be an identical situation to the first one which we had already discussed.


So has her behavior changed, drastically? Not really. It's just not indicative of "she's definitely interested." Maybe I'm crazy, but if I really care about someone, I would work on the things that bother them...especially if there's only one thing. Other than that, she's great.


I had planned to confront her with something along the lines of:
"Look, I know you have a lot of things going on right now. But solid communication is something that is very important to me. I just don't think you're ready for a relationship right now. Maybe we should take a break until you're life is not as hectic."

Hopefully, this comes as a wake up call that she can't just keep me in the dark all the time. If she wants me to stick around, then she'll un-busy her life. If she agrees that we should take a break, I see that as rock solid evidence that she has lost interest...so I can get on with my life.

It sounds like you have oneitis here, and your planned line comes off as somewhat needy to be honest. If you want to take that gamble (that I'm not certain you can follow through to the end), saying something as simple as "This relationship isn't working, I think we should break up", sends a much stronger message, with no indication of neediness. If she then asks you why, you can elaborate on communication, etc, and if she really wants it, she will ASK how to make it work. However the way you wrote it almost sounds like "I'm sort of but not really threatening to sort of (break) leave you if you don't do XYZ", and of course the worst case scenario is that she calls your bluff and says "ok, then lets break up", and you backtrack. (Highway to hell. Another poster just did that with his gf/exgf and then changed his mind). If you're not 100% sure you'll be able to walk away, don't play that game because that's the relationship version of the Cuban missile crisis.

PS. As Heywood Jablowme already said, this girl sounds way sketchy. I doubt you'll be able to change her ways. Either you have to accept that she "acts on a whim" and is sketchy, or you should move on. You can't change who a person is.

Fucking LOL.

Honestly, you're holding yourself up to a standard most don't live up to. What most girls love to do for every relationship transition is a lot worse than a hookup as a result of an indiscretion.
There are different types of cheating, of varying severity.

1. There is the ONS/random hookup.
2. A fuckbuddy on the side
3. Emotional cheating (emotional involvement with someone else and a distancing from your partner), essentially a touch-less relationship.
4. Emotional+physical cheating (another full blown relationship/feelings with someone else).

#3 and #4 are by far the worst ones, and the ones most often done by women to men. #3 is so common, it is practically socially accepted. A woman finds herself a new boyfriend to be, gets close and comfortable, falls in love, then once she's ready to jump on the new ship, she pulls the plug on her old one and leaves the boyfriend out to soak. #4 Also happens all the time, also perpetrated by women, though less common than 3.

#2 happens (think boss banging the secretary), and is nowhere nearly as emotionally damaging to the person cheated on as #3 or 4.

#1 is by far the least threatening to a relationship. If a guy goes and fucks a random girl, and comes home the next morning as if nothing happened, assuming no STDs/pregnancies resulted, what does it do to the relationship? Basically nothing. Pretty much this is what men evolved to do.

For the record, I had #4 done on me, and I was clueless because it was a LDR.
By telling your gf that you cheated on her, you are simply generating a world of needless pain, drama, and nothing good will come of it. It will damage the relationship, possibly irreversibly, destroy trust, and forgiveness will never be complete. By keeping this to yourself, how are you hurting her? If you don't have feelings for the other girl and if it was just a meaningless score, it won't drive you away from your girlfriend or make your feelings for her go away. Assuming that you didn't give her an STD, how is her life any different now that you have cheated on her? It isn't. You're the one that's guilt tripping yourself and suffering pointlessly. Hell, there is a good chance that your ex-gf cheated on you too (40-60% of girls and 50-80% of men cheat). Carrying guilt for this is pointless. If it happens and you slipped up, bury the hatchet and leave it. Pretend like it never happened, and if its not something you like doing, focus on not doing it again.

PS. If you've ever been cheated on, and you want the harshest, most brutal revenge, then you take the person back, win back their feelings, and pull a #4 on them, then leave. It's not easy, most people couldn't pull it off, nor is it worth the trouble, but it will serve the justice you'll want.

To be honest she doesn't sound like a bad girl and I'm not getting the sketchy vibe. She just sounds like a girl who doesnt communicate well and maybe she isn't used to a relationship.But every time you've had a problem sounds like she apologizes and says she will work on it. That makes me think she's not a cheating whore trying to play games with your life. A bad girl (like if I'm right the thread z was talking about) would do like the girl in that post did and say I hope you die and dont care about your feelings. If interest was being lost, she would hear you have a problem and use that as an excuse to pull away or take a break.

And as z said, dont backtrack. If you're not ready to walk away then dont bluff. You have an issue in your rel that is making you unhappy and you;ve seen no evidence that it's going to change. Make sure she everything about the situation (not the cheating-that's just going to ruin things).

No kidding...#3 is basically common practice. Girls don't even consider it cheating since there's no sex involved.

Well guys...

We were supposed to meet up tonight and she flaked...I'm not surprised. I'm breaking up with her.

....but then....

I just got the "We need to talk" text, so obviously, she's breaking up with me too. I really want to know why she's doing it, but I can't ask. She'll probably lie about it anyway, and I'll come out looking like a total pussy.

Fuck my life right now.

2 words: Sketchy chick.
Move on, you're losing nothing.

My guess is self fulfilling prophecy. You thought she would lose interest so you froze her out and she lost interest. While you were thinking, "she's not contacting me so she must not care," she's thinking "he stopped contacting me so he must not care."
Dont give a fuck about what you look like and you're life is not over. Even if she fucked 10 guys and spits in your face, move on and find someone else.

As cliche as it sounds, be yourself in a relationship. If she doesn't like you for you, let her go. A relationship should be where 2 people figure out if they should be together long term. Whether the initial spark or attraction is real and if their values, mindsets are aligned while still being attracted to each other. Sometimes people realize they dont want to continue. No big deal. Never understood the concept of trying to keep someone's interest in a relationship; its needy and focuses on how do I make her stay with me when I am not enough. It's like getting a job at a company doing Finance, when you want to do Engineering. You pretend to like Finance and do it well, but if you stay in a job that's not a good fit for you to keep it for a paycheck, what does it say about your options?
Good luck

I don't have a dog in this fight. I don't know you and I don't know the girl. But reading through these three pages, I hope you realize how much unneccessary strife was created here. Whether you and her fix this or you break up, next time...don't rock the boat.

_________________
"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"