Guys,

Thanks for reading. First a little background.

Been seeing this girl for 6 months now. On 1st date F-closed and been Fing ever since. This is a semi long distance relationship. She lives 3.5 hours away. We see each other about every other week for a few days on the weekends. She is really into me. She texts/calls/SPAM me every day (she initiates 90% of the time). She Initiates the sex when we are together (I push pull to escalate which drives her nuts). We have talked recently about our relationship and are "ok" with each other going out (to bars, friends parties, clubs ect.). But there is a line... no hooking up with others at this time (sex, make-outs, going on dates). Talking to other people *as friends* is fine.. **but nothing more than friendly conversation. Pretty standard stuff IMO.

The Ex of 4 years...

She has told me everything about her and has been truthful as far as I know (everything is congruent and shes not a psycho chick. Very grounded.) **Here is where it gets interesting. She has mentioned her Ex. BF of 4 years to me a few times (just bc we talk about past relationships, sex partners, ect.) She has told me every time shes talked about him that "she is totally over him, wont ever go back, and has falling out of having feelings for him." No problem right? But as we were hanging out this weekend I see that she and him talk on a pretty regular basis still. (via seeing some text messages talking almost every day as she was scrolling through her phone). I also noticed that she snap chats him very regularly (he is 2nd from the top of her list, me being the first ) and has him saved in her phone as "Sex man his last name". The texts were not super flirty... but she did invite him to "go on a walk with her". He did. She later told me about their "walk" and said she talked to him about me. How shes seeing me ect. He told her he didnt want to hear about it and that hes had a really hard time getting over their break-up (they broke up May 2012... its been over a year).

Conclusion: Sorry for the long post, appreciate your help!

Am I over reacting here or is her constant contact with him a little concerning? They live very close to each (same school) and he was her only "boyfriend/official relationship". I talked with her this last weekend about their current relationship (her and her Ex's).. and she said they are still friends, dont see each other very much, but do still keep in contact. How do I handle this situation without coming off as insecure, needy, and jealous. I guess I just want to know whats "really" going on when shes hanging out with her friends, going out to bars, ect... you know?

Feel free to PM or comment below. Much thanks again guys
Duke

Duke

Try not to get too attached to her. Start going on dates with other women. Don't tell her. Keep someone handy.

College Girls have a lot of issues and they always get in to a state of being "confused" of what they want from a relationship.

"Prepare" yourself not be shocked if you come to know that they hooked up.

If you guys are casual then its fine. But its more than that then for me personally its a big red flag

1. Sex man
2. Snapchat (you know why people use it)

Doesn't seem to add up

She is either fucking him or is about to fuck him. Others here might disagree, but this is pretty clear cut to me.
Your options are: 1.seeing girls on the side and not caring while she cheats on you 2. dump her 3. tell her you have a problem with this and have her cheat anyways/dump you now, or 4. pretend you don't know while she cheats on you anyways/dumps you a little later.
The option you choose is a judgement call, but I advise against #3 or 4.

Thank you for the reply.

The answer to if we are casual is yes...and no lol. Wev talked about this and its really a gray area. We both want some freedom, but if either of us found out the other was hooking up while we were talking we would be done.

I have been going out more and trying to game other girls as well. Havnt hooked up with any yet since this girl and I talked last month. Iv been faithful. And honestly I dont like to idea of hooking up with other girls just to make myself feel better about this current situation. It feels wrong.. but I guess id rather be the player than get played.

In the end it all comes down to trust. Iv told her straight up that if I ever found out she was two timing me I would be totally done with her. Never to come back. She knows whats at stake, and the truth will always reviled.

Thanks again for the comments!
Duke

Thanks for the post!

I agree... something isnt settled. But shes told me everything and has been honest about it. Im not trying to defend her...but I have 3-4 girls in my phone right now who mean absolutely nothing to me and who iv been way flinty with via text (dirty talking, asking to hang out/go on dates, ect.) **But they arnt my EX of 4 years either lol.

Thanks again for the comment. Its ultimately my decision, but I just wanted to through this out there to see what others had to say.
Duke

It's likely she's disclosing all this information to you to reassure you that nothing weird is going on between the two of them. The guys in here posting that she's cheating are likely insecure and projecting things that have happened to them or these are the type of guys who chronically live in fear that their girlfriends will cheat and consequently end up driving them away in the process, in other words they create their own self fulfilling prophecy.


I have an ex who I was with for 7 years, she's been in my life the past 14. We do hangout, we talk almost daily. I have no intention of sleeping with her, she's pretty much like a sister to me. Food for thought.

What is clear is that you have trust issues. Whether they are to do with her or your own crap you've got some reflecting to do. If its your issue and she sees you don't trust her that can end things rather quickly.

Thanks for the reply.

Your right, I guess I have some trust issues because I haven't been in this situation before. Lets just say it didn't feel good to see what I saw this weekend glancing at her phone as we were taking pictures together (via snapchat and such), but like you said... she has been upfront with all of this and we have talked about it... something healthy IMO. I just wanted to get this out there to see what others thought about the situation from experience. This is as far if not further then iv ever talked with a girl and been fing her at the same time. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. Thanks again for your incite, makes me feel better.

Duke

Really bro? Snapchat and "sex man" as a contact handle?
Seeing that as suspicious is a sign of insecurity and trust issues? I'll bet you're one of those guys that lets his gf go out to bars with and spend the night at her ex's place too, because there's "nothing to be insecure about".
Sounds absurd. I've been cheated on with far, far fewer red flags.
Your relationship with your ex is weird and not typical. I remember being "just friends" with exes while I was dating other girls, and telling myself and my gf that it was just friends and we weren't interested in each other. We met up a few times and I was still convinced of this, and then I randomly got an urge to fuck my ex, and realized that hanging out with her was bad for my relationship with my gf, and stopped contact. And guess who was fucking who right after the breakup with my gf? Yep, me and ex #1.

"It's likely she's disclosing all this information to you to reassure you that nothing weird is going on between the two of them."
Confirmation bias. You want to believe that she's not cheating, so you're convinced that what she's telling you is the full picture. How do you have any idea of knowing that she IS honest?
You know a very safe way to cheat on someone, is to tell them the girl/guy is just a friend, and even tell them you're hanging out. Its not like your SO can peek through the window and find out that you're not playing mariocart at her place. Its a perfect cover, ESPECIALLY for an ex. If most men EVER found out that their girl was ever seen in public/known to be talking to an ex behind his back, it would be obvious cheating, so a woman would have to go to great lengths to hide it. Whereas by using the "we're just friends" excuse, she is risking some drama, which she can easily rebuke with a "wow you're so jealous and insecure that you can't even handle me seeing an ex as friends", and do it anyways, and have plausible deniability of cheating for as long as she's not caught with his dick in her mouth.

You say we're insecure, but I say we've seen how it is.
Statistics for cheating are given by geneticists and psychiatric experts at: 40-60% of all women, and 50-80% of all men, with 12-30% of all children raised unwittingly by men who think they are their child. http://www.australianpaternityfraud.org ... Secret.htm
It is just as likely that your girl is cheating on you as it is that she isn't, but of course a lot of guys take the ostrich mentality and assume that what they don't see doesn't exist, and can't hurt them. I've known and seen way too many cheaters to ever give a girl the benefit of the doubt again. Trust should never be given away. It is something that should be earned. Unless a girl shows clear loyalty and dedication to me, I assume she's cheating, and make it a point to not be emotionally involved enough with her to care, and see other girls on the side. Works out just fine.

Of course she's honest and upfront, just having "sex man's" messages pop up on her phone and you know, just telling you the most obvious save in a situation like that. If you really buy that, you're setting yourself up for a spectacular drama when all this precipitates.

Thanks again for the reply.

I feel you both to be be honest. To adress your point below

**Unless a girl shows clear loyalty and dedication to me, I assume she's cheating, and make it a point to not be emotionally involved enough with her to care, and see other girls on the side. Works out just fine**

I feel she has shown clear loyalty and dedication by demonstrating the following.

1) She has never flaked EVER (even on small things like SPAM, texts, ect. She has NEVER been late)
2) She has invested a lot of her time and money into me as well (I take the lead, but make her pay her way. I have gone to visit her 3 times, she has come to visit me twice now-- I went to her on the first date for comfort reasons... i hadn't built 7 hours yet)
3) She knows I have high standards and strives to meet them at all times. I am always challenging her, doing different things, taking her on emotional roller coasters.
4) Her engagement via text, SPAM, phone call, and face to face. She is all over me all the time... not in an unhealthy way, but I can tell shes very attracted... and has been for MONTHS.

Should I still feel insecure about what I found now knowing what you guys know?

Thanks again everyone.

Duke

She might just be clingy. I can't tell you for sure if she's banging this guy or not, but you can be sure as hell she's not over him. Personally, I wouldn't put up with BS like that, but that's your judgement call. One important thing btw, who ended that relationship? Her, or her ex? If it was her ex that ended it, she still wants him, guaranteed. If she ended it, then she really might think its "just friends" now, however I still think "sex man" is a huge red flag though.

She ended it, which does help the cause a little bit.
And Ya obviously the "sexy man" wasn't what I wanted to see lol. But im assuming its what she had him saved as when they were dating and just never changed it. I have girls in my phone who iv had for years marked down the exact same way. not defending her... but its true. hot blonde at bar 202 is still saved in there as that... even thought I took her out a few months.

She ended it ? Stopped talking to that guy ?

Anyways the bottom line you 2 live in different cities and the ex lives near her. So you are bound to have insecurities which will make you think all day about what she is doing. Why isn't she replying back and so on.

This might affect you in college / work.

It's better to make it clear in the beginning than later.

If you do it later she is going to think that you have trust issues and its not working out.

Tell her you don't like it but you can live with it. If she still continues to talk to him - she has feelings for him

And try keeping a girls contact name as : juicy lips and see her reaction she will freak out

Tell me how hard it is to change someone's name in the contact list

Ya I agree it isnt hard to change a contact... but I just feel she is done with him (dating and hooking up wise -- She uses me for that now lol). They may still hang out... talk and stuff. Whatever.. im not going to try and control her. She knows there is a line and if I ever found out she crossed it then she knows she would lose me. If at the end of the day that's what she chooses then so be it. pointless to worry and make total assumptions bases on a Exs name in a phone and a few text messages, just wanted to get others opinions. Thanks all!

Thanks again everyone. If you have any more responses I would greatly appreciate them.