Quick backstory:
I ended a LTR (2+years) earlier this year. I moped for a few months and then decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back into it. A few months ago, I met this hot little waitress. Took her out, closed her, and we've been dating exclusively since then. She has a kid and plenty of baby daddy issues which I won't disclose but he's not an issue at the moment.

So, maybe I jumped into it a little quick. I've considered the idea that she might be a rebound. In any case, we've been having a lot of fun together (great sex), so I've put my inner issues aside for the moment to see what happens.

A couple of red flags:
I noticed early on that I was always the one initiating conversations, setting up dates, etc...this bothered me a little bit. But at the same time, she's always available when I want to meet up with her. I didn't really know what was going on, so about 6 weeks ago, I cut contact for a few days to see what she would do. I expected her to hit me up but she didn't. Three days later, I shot her a text to meet up later that night. She complied and I brought up her lack of communication to which she said that she'd work on that.

Fast forward a couple weeks. I happened to come across some texts on her phone. For the record, I wasn't being nosy, I was working out some issues she'd been having with the phone. Anyway, she was texting back and forth with some guy and he was leaning pretty heavy on her to go out with him. Now, I don't have a problem with dudes hitting on her...that's gonna happen. I did have a problem that she never mentioned anything about me or her relationship status.

The basic text conversation went something like:
Him: What's up, blah blah blah, we should hang out.
Her: Lol, blah blah blah, I'm working.
Him: Blah blah blah, when are you free.
Her: Blah blah blah, I have this day and that day off.
*Fast forward to "this day off"*
Him: What's up, blah blah blah.
Her: Blah blah blah, are we still on tonight?
Him: Blah blah blah, well I work til X:XX time.
*A few hours later*
Him: Hey, blah blah, getting together with some friends.
Her: Blah blah blah, *flakes out on him*
*Few days later*
Him: What's up

She never answered the last one. Needless to say, I was a little bothered by it. But she obviously flaked on him so no harm no foul, right. The problem was, this entire conversation happened during those few days while I was freezing her out...why the fuck was she talking to this dude, but not me?

This was about the time I started checking out this forum.

So I waited a few days to tell her that I'd seen this conversation. After all, I was still getting laid 3 or 4 times a night. But on a drunken night, she happened to ask me what I was I thinking, and I let it all out. We fought it out that night, and made up a few days later...decided to slow things down a little and came up with a "date night" once a week.

So recently, she's gone back to her normal bullshit about not contacting me. But still, she's always available when I hit her up. Anyway, I decided to stop texting/calling a few days ago. I planned this to coincide with our "date night" which was a couple days ago. These last few days have been lonely and I've been in one of those moods because I'm waiting for her call.

Last night was the worst...with all the built up emotions, I really needed to get out and something. Low and behold, on my way home from work, I happened upon some girls that live in my building...I didn't really feel guilty until after I'd gotten some sex. Yeah, I cheated. But it has nothing to do with the girls last night. It has everything to do with the fact that I was craving some affection. In fact, I was really just looking for a cuddle buddy and I took it a little further than I wanted to.

...and I still haven't heard from her...

So here's my debate:
Should I break up with her because these are too many red flags already?

Although she often doesn't tell me about the things she's doing (like drinking with the girls, or talking to the baby daddy), she's never been outright dishonest. So maybe I'm overreacting, or underreacting. I just don't know; there's no communication.

But still, I really like her. We have a great time together and we connect in a way that I haven't connected with anyone in a long time...it's perfect, so long as I initiate the date. I don't want to end it.


So there you have it...I'm not sure what to do at this point. Any thoughts??

Good background job.

Dating a sketchy girl is like getting open heart surgery from Michael J. Fox.. they will both end horribly.

And this girl is sketchy.
She was never looking for anything serious, she just needed some dick.

To her, your just a good looking meat stick.

I would venture to guess she only flaked on that dude AFTER you contacted her again, and you were her better choice .

A. You did nothing wrong, your barley dating her.
B. She shows no respect to you.
C. She messages other dudes.

Excellent candidate for a FWB.

If you can become less emotionally attached?

If you continue on this path, she will hurt you.

She is not going to become UN-sketchy.

And if your the one always investing, she never will.

NEXT or FWB. (both)

Foremost! GO BANG THAT OTHER GIRL AGAIN!

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Listen to this advice^^^

very well put.

_________________
My Journal (from AFC to MPUA, still a work in progress)

Hahahahaha. Let's see, where to begin?

First, even though she didn't mention she was in a relationship to the guy, she still flaked on him. So technically, she did nothing wrong. The worst you can accuse her of is either (a) using him for attention if she really doesn't care about him or (b) keeping him as a back-up if you break up with her.

Second, did you realize that perhaps the reason why she doesn't text or call you first is because YOU set the precedent early on in the relationship by being the one to initiate? Therefore, she just expects it. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, nor does it mean she doesn't miss you. It could be that she assumes you're busy or occupied. I say this out of personal experience, because my own girlfriend complained of that today. You sound like my girlfriend, truly.

Finally, you fucking cheated. Cheating is not a solution to your problem. Your problem is that you're not in control of the relationship. She's in the driver's seat, and you're riding shotgun like a little girl. There are plenty of ways to regain control of a relationship (like warning her you're considering moving on, saying things aren't working out, saying you're losing feels, you're doubting the relationship, etc.)

Personally, I highly doubt this girl cheated on you. But you cheated. I think you seriously ought to ashamed of yourself. You played your cards wrong. If you're a man and have any ounce of integrity, you'll confess to her.

Gotta agree with Betamax here. Sounds like your only problem with her was that she wasn't initiating contact BUT she was available when you wanted her. I'd guess that you're insecure in your relationship and you pull away so she gets insecure. You must have read other text messages in her phone so if that was the only one she was probably just keeping her options open but didn't go meet anyone. You're "dating exclusively" and if I read between the lines (broke up with someone earlier this year...moped for a FEW months...met her) I'd guess that you've been dating for a couple months (we're in June) and have not had the talk about bf/gf.
Some people just don't initiate contact...maybe they're not used to it or maybe they've gotten used to you doing it or they're shy and think they're bothering you. She said she will work on it. If she makes time to see you, who cares if she's initiating. If she doesn't text you "Hey" in the morning, does that mean you're not important? No, you're fucking her and she isn't flaking on you. She likes you. You're sending mixed signals
By your own words, you were craving affection. You have a girl who likes you and would have cuddled with you, but because she doesn't initiate you didn't just go be with her. You equate affection with her initiating plans.

I'm with Betamax also. I wasn't, until i read his reply. His points are all dead on. That being said, I'm not completely sure the other points aren't accurate as well.

My advise, come clean and tell her what happened. Tell her why it happened, that you felt starved for affection and you made a mistake. Does it make you look vulnerable or needy? Yeah, a little bit. But it also shows that you are mature enough to handle the truth, and instead of hiding the truth from her, you're trusting her with it.

If she bails, then what have you lost? A relationship with a girl who isn't going to give you the affection you need from time to time? You might miss her for a bit, but you'll get over it. And if she doesn't bail, then maybe she really will try to change the nature of the relationship such that you're not initiating every conversation.

Her response to what happened will tell you how much she is committed to being with you or not.

Quote the day....lol i laughed so hard.

I think that being honest is not going to get you anywhere.

Why tell her? she has no idea. To purge your own guilt?

The last thing they want is someone who is 100% honest and sincere. They want someone who they think will lie to them, think other women are attracted to, think will cheat on them. They want someone who, in their mind, they can change into someone they don't and if they are successful, often they'll dump them.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I don't think there are too many women on the face of this planet that want a man who will cheat and lie to them, subconsciously or not. You can argue that women want a man that have the courage to stand up for themselves and will leave them if their demands aren't met.

Admitting to cheating is like putting your hand on a hot stove. Either way, it addresses the problems in the relationship head on, and it will likely accelerate an inevitable breakup and prevent everyone from losing their time.

This part I can agree on.
Most women think their Man will cheat given the proper opportunity.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

^This is the truth. Thinking that things can be made right by confessing to everything to get rid of guilt will fix nothing, and probably destroy your relationship.
Saying you cheated because you weren't getting enough attention is probably the lamest and most beta excuse you could probably have. Not only will she be hurt, but she'll also be repulsed by your weakness and needyness. If a girl ever did that I'd dump her faster than you can say "bye". Usually when you hear about women dumping men for cheating its because they were cheating with a fugly chick, for unknown reasons, and were lowered in value in the women's eyes. You rarely hear about the girl leaving because her bf was banging a supermodel on the side and not acting like a blubbering bitch when he was caught.

Thanks for the responses...

Quick update:
It's been 5 days since I last spoke to her, so tonight I shot a quick text.
Me: What's going on?
Her: I've been sick. blah blah. Miss you.
Me: Let's get together tonight.
*This means I drop by her place and we hang out for a bit. Maybe watch a movie.*
Her: Well, let's do it Tuesday.
Me: ???
Her: Actually, I'm going to _(different city)_ tomorrow afternoon. I'll be back Monday night. So I think Tuesday will be best.

FYI:
This is not the first time she's left town without telling me anything. The last time it happened, I told her I didn't like that and she said she'd work on the communication thing. Also, she's going with her roommate who really does not like me.

I was pissed so I made some plans for tonight. First, I'm going out with some of the girls from work: HB10 (who has a bf), HB6 (married), and UG2(divorced). Then I'm supposed to meet up with the one night stand from the other night.

For the record:
I'm not planning on having sex tonight, because I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she really was too sick to pick up the phone and shoot me a text. Maybe there's some kind of emergency that she needs to take care of this weekend. I'm only gonna have two or three drinks. I just want to game HB10 a little...she always gives me IOI's at work and never said anything about a bf. I heard about the bf from UG2. Apparently, he's a bit of a stalker.

As far as Tuesday goes, I have no intention of telling her anything about the other night. That's a no-win situation. If there happens to be an innocent explanation for all this, and then I tell her, it will just break her heart. If she feeds me some lying bullshit, then we're done anyway...so telling her would be pointless. I'm still trying to decide if I should just end it completely, or try to transition to fwb.

Alright, I'm off to have a good time tonight. I appreciate all the responses so far.

Yeah. You're right. When I get sick, I warn everyone on Facebook that they won't be hearing from me for five days because my ligaments tense up to the point I can't move my fingers.

Just break up with her. The cycle of an unhealthy relationship has begun. You want her to initiate...so you don't contact her...she doesnt hear from you so doubts your interest level and commitment...she distances herself from you not to get hurt...you feel her pull away so you keep your options open to...both parties feel somethings off with the other so they cheat...once they cheat they assume the other is cheating as well and it just continues.

Don't freeze out a gf to see what happens. This is like rewarding good behavior with punishment. All it's done is distance you two. What do you think she thinks when you call her out the blue for 5 days? She's going to think that he must not have thought about me for these 5 days and he hasn't checked up on me so he must not be THAT committed. Not condoning her not contacting you, but we're men. We're expected to take the lead and most women are naturally passive. They prefer to lay back and wait than take action so I can see how she may just be that passive where she doesn't initiate.

It's funny because I've gone out with some guys into pickup who have gf. Guess what, their gfs are always the ones who flirt heavily with me behind their backs and talk about meeting up. Why? Because these guys do freeze outs regularly to DHV, tell their gfs they're hanging out with female friends who flirt with them, and they send a ton of mixed signals to their gfs thinking this will make the girl more hooked in the relationship. My point is, when you don't give a woman security in a relationship, they pull away and start keeping their options open.

I disagree completely.
A relationship where all contact is initiated by one side is not healthy or normal. If the female is not initiating contact it means you are making it too easy for her, and sooner than later she will start taking you for granted. When I start seeing a girl, I keep contact initiation strictly 1:1, or in my favor. If I'm dating, I keep it at most 3:1 (I can initiate more, but she has to initiate sometimes too). If I feel like she's not initiating enough, I stop and then I wait for the girl to do it. Never takes more than 2-3 days with a FB or 24 hours with a gf. If it takes longer, it means something is wrong. If its been 5 days and the girl doesn't even wonder whats up with you, then something is really wrong with the relationship already, and she probably already doesn't give a shit. n2thevoid said in another thread something along the lines of "if a girl is going to cheat she'll cheat on you regardless of what you do". If a girlfriend cheats on you for not initiating contact for a few days, then she's fucked in the head, and it was only a matter of time anyways. Better now than after the wedding.
In most people (this included me until recently), feeling distance from your partner will NOT send you cheating or running away. It almost always does the opposite. She'll try to find out whats wrong and to try to win your affection again, and as long as you give it to her when she's deserving of it, and take it away when she's distant, she will stay around. It will only send her cheating in a move of desperation if she's damn sure that you're dicking another girl and is certain that you are about to leave her. This happened to me to the dot once (except roles reversed). Until a girl is certain you don't want her, and who still wants you, she will NOT fuck other dudes, unless she's a cheater by character.

I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that you mixed up the direction of causation here. If a guy in a relationship is turning to PUA, it means he is insecure in his relationship and has reason to be, and that the girl is sketchy. If a PUA gets in to a relationship, the girl will NOT be your statistically average girl. Many, if not most girls can't just be "picked up", and the ones that can, will often behave as you describe. That's why I'm very hesitant to GF a girl that falls for my PUA tricks.
When you DO give women unconditional security in a relationship, they DO get bored, and they DO leave. Its important for them to know that you have options, but as long as they treat you right, you belong to them. They may have options too, but as long as you are truly higher value than her, and in most cases, even if her options are higher value than you, she won't leave you for them as long as you stay with her and behave like a man. I had gfs that had hundreds of options. I couldn't give a shit less. They were massive losers (neck-bearded geeks). If she cheated on me with them, she knew I'd be laughing all the way to the next, much hotter girl the next day (and I would, but in reality I'd still be very hurt inside, but there's no need for her to know she has that much power over me).