I've been with my girl for three years. Two years ago, I realized I was polyamorous and she made it clear that we couldn't continue a permanent relationship. We stuck together anyway, because neither of us was really ready for the relationship to end.

So fast forward to today. We got in a fight over 2 months ago, and I broke up with her. She wanted us to go to relationship counseling, which I eventually agreed to, but during all this time we have not had sex.

On the flip-side She was continually indicating to me that we would be having sex soon. However, a couple weeks ago she started talking about how she can't be in a temporary relationship. I got pissed off and ask her to sleep in the upstairs apartment (we own a duplex and she's maintained the upstairs as a step towards her own independence.)

So after struggling with it for a couple weeks, she finally tells me that whenever we have sex she feels bad the next day and lowers her self-esteem. I tell her fine, I'll do my best to be your friend until you can move (which will probably be months.) It's hard because she's still living upstairs, and we're still spending all our time together. But fine...

Last night it seemed like she might want to be together again, after we had a fun day at a festival... but all she would say is she wishes things weren't so complicated. Basically, she indicated that she wishes I'd not be polyamorous and declare I'd be with her forever. Still, I think it's an indication we might start having sex again soon and I would prefer that to sarging. (I know it's not very PUA, but I do love her and enjoy the time we have together. )

The thing is, I've got plans to go out with an old friend this Friday... and I suspect that when I tell her this she's going to ask me if I'm going to be hitting on any women. I am planning to, but I'm not good at it and it's almost more for practice than anything. I'm basically just trying to get myself moving towards having a sex partner when she IS gone.

How can I most gently break it to her that it's not really her business as long as we're not in a sexual relationship? Basically, if I just tell her yes I know it's going to be a big fight and probably prove all the doubts in her head about my dedication to her.

I think the best thing you could do is reclaim your balls. She's talking you into counseling, out of your sexual preference and trying to make you marry her, which in the long run would turn out bad because she is probably the type of woman who would cheat in the end.

So tell her that you are not interested in settling for 1 woman and you have been honest with her about your polyamorous tendancies. She should know that and accept that. If she wants to change you then it should be YOU who gets pissed.

Get male authority on her when you tell her. If she argues or whatever, just say "Stop being a bitch." Don't argue with her emotions. She will want you to address every one of her irrational emotional hangups. Just tell her that she knew you were polyamorous and needs to stop acting like a bitch. If she doesn't succumb to your expectations, punish her again...the same way. Stop. Acting. Like. A. Bitch.

Eventually she will get over it and you don't have to have your brain and time hijacked because she is being an emotional mess.

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That's my $0.02

-Bluesy

I'll agree with this..

Relationship counseling? Dude... wtf? lol

Just avoid the question and tease her when she asks. It's really not any of her business, but you don't have to lie to her either.

EX:

Her: Are you going to be hitting on women?
You: Only if I see girls that are below the height of 4'10".. little people are my kryptonite.

or

No, it'll be a Friday, you know I only try to pick up men on Fridays.

or

No, actually I'm going to make my friend hit on women while I cheer from the sidelines. I'm even bringing pom-poms.

or

I'm actually planning on wearing a really low-cut shirt, standing alone at the bar, and seeing if girls will hit on me. Then, I'll glare at them and accuse them of being "creepers"!

It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's clear that you're messing with her. It's a way of sub-communicating that it's none of her business.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Well, sounded good... but didn't work.

GF: So would being in a relationship with me affect whether or not you hit on girls?
Me: Well I wouldn't want my friend to get jealous. (My GF thinks my friend is gay.)
GF: Hahah... but you didn't answer the question...
Me: Ok, then yes it does and I don't feel like we're in a relationship.
GF: Well then why did you feel free to touch my boobs earlier? (I had cuddled up to her out of my own neediness, and I tend to place a hand on her boobs when cuddling.)

It really just went downhill from there...

She's jealous, obviously, get her to move out ASAP. Until that time, avoid all fights and drama by setting clear boundaries. Redirecting attention with jokes didn't work because you haven't set boundaries yet. Make it very clear to her that you do not want to continue a monogamous relationship with her, that that part of your lives is over. Tell her that neither fighting nor counseling will not change your mind, and that it will only serve to make both of you miserable. If redirecting attention still doesn't work after that, tell her straight up that you don't want to talk to her about that and go for a walk.

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One of the most useful things you will ever learn about body language.

That part's not true, though. I would happily continue a monogamous relationship with her. The problem is on her end, she needs to move on because she wants kids and is running out of time. The thing is, we agreed a long time ago to stay together until she was actually ready to move out and she still isn't. Basically, she should be in about three months... but like I said, a couple months ago she started this pulling away thing. Except she keeps telling me she wants to be together, but can't because she gets upset when she remembers we won't be permanent. (The worst part of that being that we probably could be permanent if she'd open her mind up about open relationships... even enough to let it be a discussion. Plus, even though she is the one who told me we can't be together she blames me for "not wanting her for a life partner." Ugh.)

It's extremely difficult to plan a breakup. That's what you're trying to do. Enjoy a relationship that you know has no future beyond the planned breakup period. All that happens is you enjoy the relationship, get close, and then get hurt when you remember that it's going to end.

You'll actually hurt her less if you start dating other women, because this will sting her, and then she'll use that to get over you, and it will be over and done. Just don't do or say anything to suck her back in or make her want the relationship back or to last. That means no kissing, touching boobs, that sort of shit.

You say in your first post that you are polyamorous, now you say you are happy to continue a monogamous relationship. She is not going to share you with other people that is pretty clear from what you've said.
So do you want a monogamous relationship with her or do you not ? Seems to me that you want more girls than her but scared of letting her go because you are not confident enough to find new girls. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Like I said, she's going to be here a few more months then move to a different city. We've been monogamous for 3 years, basically I didn't realize I was polyamorous until a year into our relationship... then she said it was a dealbreaker, then we decided to stay together until she was ready to move on.

So basically, I still want to be with her but I wouldn't want to be monogamous my entire life. Essentially, I know that eventually relationships cool down, women lose desire for sex, she might even go through menopause or childbirth and lose desire... plus since this is my first relationship, I can see myself going through a midlife crisis in a few years and the regret of not dating at all in my twenties might be too much for me. TMI, probably... but yeah...
I think there's a little truth to that. I think it's more that we're still together all the time, though. It's hard to get over someone or move on when the she's sitting on the couch next to me every night.

Ehhh.. for the record, that's not exactly what I had in mind. At all. That is not the way to pass shit tests.

Some further reading on the subject:
1) http://www.bristollair.com/2011/outer-g ... hit-tests/
2) http://donlak.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/ ... shit-test/

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Because I didn't explicitly say "no" before joking I wouldn't want my friend to get jealous?
The second article has this quote, which I think is more like what happened: "It’s only when she asks again, or persists in the same question, that she’s seeking comfort, so you can then switch off to being genuine."

I think she was seeking comfort more than shit-testing...

Oh, I thought the first line was great.. I just didn't think you should have gotten genuine quite so quickly. You really didn't put up much of a fight. It just lead to MORE shit testing and arguing.. which is not fun for anybody. You should have just made a point to give her some emotional validation (i.e. keep things light, silly, funny, etc.) to put her in a good mood and left it at that. As people have said before, it's not really her business and you aren't obligated to give her a straight answer. You can sub-communicate all this, which lets her know what's up without rubbing it in her face.

I mean, what did you want to the outcome to be? The way you handled it.. it was bound to end dramatically. Some guys like a little drama. I don't.

Just one man's opinion.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Ahh, I see. I thought it was supposed to work on just the first line...

I definitely didn't want it to end this way. I wanted to go out and have fun, and maybe talk to a couple girls mostly for practice. I'm pretty terrible at avoiding drama though... I can be a bit emotional, so I get sucked in really easily.

Ok this relationship is over. You need to move on. I would totally go cold on her. Like seriously not say anything. Not to play games with her but for you to mentally move on past her. She and you are obviously going no where... and its a big waste of time. If you not getting laid let that motivate you to go out and find more pussy. youv done it before... u can do it again for sure.

GL
Duke