It comes to a point of failure when theres no other way to look at my desire to succeed with women than as validating myself. I deeply want to close, but all that sticks in my mind as motivation is to validate myself as an attractive person.

I personally love myself. I think I have an excellent personality and set of interests. I'm intelligent and well-versed in loads of topics. I just cannot get somebody else to appreciate that.

I know that what I have to do is get rid of the validation mentality and move over to a confident, alpha mentality, but I just can't see how thats possible without succeeding first. It's a vicious cycle.

I almost feel like going to a brothel (they exist in the U.S.) to just have someone boost my confidence. Mantric thoughts don't work. Reading books and posts does not work. Confidence is an elusive thing. It only comes with success, yet you cant succeed unless you have it.

Is it even possible to get this validation seeking mentality out of my head?

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AFC Level 1

Do something you are good at competitively. If you ride a bike, compete, if you are good at computer games, compete, if you are a fat bastard win a pie eating competition and be proud of it all. These are examples but really, focus on yourself and what you are good at and love and that will breed confidence in you. Do not get your validation from women and sex ever because this will possibly lead you down a path to addiction!

If you think about it, validation from women is probably the lowest for of validation since it is inbuilt in them to sleep with men, so really there is nothing to it.

However, building experience and confidence in something you love is challenging and beyond most people. That is why so many suffer from a lack of confidence/self esteem.

I'm good at many things yet women are the one thing I can't conquer and it frustrates me to no end. It is the sole thing that puts me down. I see people succeed with women every day all over the place in movies, the mall, at work etc. it's all over the place it seems it should be easier. That's why this validation seems more important to me. It makes me believe that women can't appreciate what I can do and if their validation is so trivial, then why can't I have it?

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AFC Level 1

I would venture to guess that your true sentiments on this issue shine through when you are interacting with women. You state here you can't succeed. If you really believe that or feel that way, it takes an oscar caliber performance to cover it up.

For sure, success breeds success. But let's be honest here, why do you NEED this validation? Sure validation of any sort doesn't make a guy feel bad, but why do you really need this form? Would you be attracted to a woman if you really felt inside that she NEEDED you to feel good about herself?

In a nutshell, you have to admit there is always some other guy better looking than you, funnier than you, smarter than you, etc. And none of that matters. You are you. You don't need validation from some chick to be happy with yourself. What can she really give you that you can't give yourself? Sex? Hell, I'm sure you can jack off and hit all the right spots at the right time. And porn is out there to help make it kinky how you like it. You know what you like, what you don't like in movies, music, stories, etc. What is it really that any woman can give you that you can't give yourself? You say validation. That can only mean that you don't value yourself completely. Fix this and your problem is solved. And at that point, all the pressure is off you to succeed, and all the pressure is off any woman you meet to provide you with anything other than her company, in physical, emotional, or intellectual form.

Maybe I need a shrink.

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AFC Level 1

Here is the deal:

Take it from a guy who spent years trying to come up with the right pick up skill to overcompensate for that lack of validation by applying NOTHING and reading everything.

I`m starting to surrender to the thought that women are not so damn important. In fact: you probably are giving less value to the things that really count and focusing it all aroudn women.

If you are a bit like me then that`s where you are standing right now.

To be honest there is no cure, nor a book nor a shrink that can get you out of this cicle; only you my friend. Here is when meditation kicks in: you have to be more self aware.

This means tons of shit, but to the topic at hand; you need to give the right amount of value to things that they deserve. Trust me, women are not in the first place. In fact, the whole PUA theory advices that women come in second place, first you must have some GOALS.

My take on the very little experiences I had is that women actually LOVE this in a guy. A man that has some clear goals in life and is heading towards achieving `em; while growing stronger in every step he takes.

The main focus here is that girls walk beside you because they want to, they saw you and loved what you do out of life. So put women in the spot they rightfully deserve: the second place in your life.

Choose one thing you are already good at and master it; do what you love and see how women tend to approach you and try to find a place in your life.

Excellent points on setting priority or placing correct value on certain things in life. I would comment that I disagree that women "deserve" to be second in all cases. Inevitably there are varations in this. For instance, for the college guy who has a goal to graduate or get into med school, or whatever goals you might have, women may actually come in LAST!!!!!

The real issue is that the OP understands that he feels like he NEEDS validation from women. The solution is not necessarily to have success provide him with that validation, because inevitably there will always be reasons why some women will fail to give him the validation he seeks. The ONLY person who CAN validate him in every way he wants, every time he wants, is himself. As it turns out, if he engages in the behaviors that Bond talks about, chances are very good that he will no longer worry so much about validation from women, and he'll experience some of the successes that Bond talks about.

Sometimes answers are so simple it's ridiculous, but all one has to do is ask themselves what they find attractive in a woman. Are you attracted to women who are needy, clingy, have no goals or no purpose they are working towards? My guess is sexually, yeah, if she's hot enough, you're physically attracted. But if you are like me, a 10 can become a 2 really fast if she's insecure, boring, clingy, needy, and/or has emotional issues or is a "freak."

FYI too, it's easy to give others good, practical advise. Just because I can sit here and state this and applaud other posters for making good points, that doesn't mean I don't have to work to achieve the same state I suggest the OP go after.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. These changes are so difficult without tangible success. I don't know how to meditate or anything like that. I already value myself. I love my intelligence and my health. I'm in shape. I exercise. The only part of my life I hate is my job which I actively try to change by applying. I don't know where to start to make these changes. The feeling I get is that simply I just don't have a compatible personality to attract women. I like my personality but nobody else does. That's the vibe I get. I don't get why. I think I'm a fascinating person. I can talk about many subjects. If I found a girl as open minded and sociable as I am then I would be head over heels. The women I meet just don't feel the same. I've met women I've found interesting before but they never feel the same about me. They've blown me off, flaked and in one case dumped me in the heat of a honeymoon phase.

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AFC Level 1

First things first: youtube "guided meditation" and aim for a vid around 18- 20 minutes. Start there, you will find tons of relaxing videos and just sit and listen to it, meditate and be there living the experience.

Try to make this a HABIT; why do I say this? Seems to me that attractive men that seduce women are criature of habits, same as you and me buddy. This means that we have to change our habits for good.

Meditation is key, I`m sure you will be nailing it with this. Just 10- 20 minutes a day when you feel confident enough about doing it without guidance.

Well, regarding to the other subjects you adressed: Today I made a topic on the PUA lounge section you should check out. It`s titled "what are you affraid of, son?". I talk about systematic desensitization and you should read more upon that subject. Research and apply.

Here is where you start: read it, start a journal if you haven`t already done, and express yourself through writting after exposing yourself to new experiences.

Most of the time I`m amazed about what a cool guy I can be around women and guys, people just accept me for who I am and my vibe. The only thing that`s limiting me from that cool guy I aim to be is my fear of rejection and not getting what I think I want or my ego does.

Go out, live, love, expose yourself, cry, experience this amazing life.

It seems the OP is still focusing on the validation too much.

Regarding his last post, that's great if you do love yourself and value yourself. But it isn't complete if you need something from someone else and it bothers you that you don't get it.

It would appear from your post that who you really are is not that attractive to women. That would indicate that your lifestyle is not conducive to being an alpha male, dominant, confident, etc. You have a choice to make. Change who you are and become attractive, or remain who you are and accept that you will not fuck a different chick every night.

Your posts make me suspicious that when you do enjoy a taste of success, you might go overboard with time and attention and that may be to your detriment. Are you sure that you're effectively mirroring how the women you are gaming feel and act?

I'm not quite sure what you mean about mirroring the girls.

I'm very dominant. If I get bored from a girl I walk away. They have a hard time entertaining me or maybe I have a hard time being interested in them enough to be entertained by them. I feel as if I'm too smart for my own good. I only like deep intellectual conversation. Hardly anyone can get involved in those sort of conversations so I either get bored quickly or don't approach at all because I judge them before I meet them. When it gets slow and awkward I bow out. I don't know how to deeply invest myself in the other person because they bore me. There's nothing exciting about who the other person is. Unless they're an astronaut I don't care to hear about their problems. I like talking about passions and things going on in the world.

I think the biggest issue is that I cannot relate to women. I can't find common ground with them. I don't like being fake to feign interest in them.

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AFC Level 1

I found Eckhart helpful for self acceptance but, if you start calling everything ego or second guess yourself and your motives you won't get anywhere. Succeed at all costs. Take the island, burn the ships. Succeed or perish!

Mirroring the girls means reciprocating the interest level they are expressing. If your goal is to fuck a girl, it means you don't fawn all over her if she calls you once a week. It means you also call her once a week, because fawning all over her in between makes you look needy and unattractive.

Your recent post is confusing to me. First you say you have no success with women and you need success for validation. Yet your last post sounds like it isn't validation that you need at all. It just sounds like you want women to jump on your cock because you are just so fucking smart and great that it should be obvious to them immediately.

You can't change the truth. Perhaps you are very intelligent, and perhaps you do like deep intellectual conversation. But the facts are that women engage in these things with people they know and trust. You being a man, they do not trust you.

That said, you can use PU to screen chicks until you find one that trips your trigger. What you can't do is jump right in on the first date and bombard one that you think could fit the bill and expect her to just open up to you like that. If that's what you want, I would suggest sarging online, because women are more apt to just open up to a stranger on the internet because they can do so with the security of anonymity. In the real world, it's highly likely that you will have to feign interest and stick around through the courting period to reach the point where the woman you're fucking is also your best friend. Just because she doesn't expose herself to you completely on the first date doesn't mean she's of lesser intelligence than you.

In summary, I'm truly confused what you're after. Do you need to fuck chicks for self validation and are frustrated that you aren't getting any pussy? Or are you just pissed that to actually get pussy you have to have some patience and that you can't snap your fingers and have a 10 jump on your cock?

I guess what frustrates me the most is that I have a hard time getting them comfortable with me. I've been told I can come off like a cocky asshole which I've been trying to work on. I have friends that can meet girls and make them immediately friendly with them. The girls get excited to see them when we run into them again. I'm just lost on comfort. Maybe what I need to be validated on is my personality. I need to know that I'm a good person. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just as confused as you.

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AFC Level 1

Your last post sums it up I think.

You clearly believe inside you that you have good qualities. Yet you need validation from women for something. Apparently you do not believe that you have a good personality and/or that you are a good person. I highly suggest you do some soul searching on why it is that you don't think you are a good person. And when you think you have the answer, then do whatever you think would make you a good person. Same thing about the personality. Your self esteem seems to not be well rounded. What I mean by that is you hold high regards (maybe too high and that is why people think you're cocky?????) about yourself in some areas, and you have low self esteem in other areas.

Once you have the low self esteem items defined and worked out, you will not need validation from anyone. You will know that you're not perfect, and that's ok, because you do the best you can to be the best you can. You're better at some people at some things, other people are better than you at other things. And all of it is ok.

Needing validation is just a sign of low self esteem. I suffered from this problem until fairly recently, which is why your post interested me. Like you, I held myself in pretty high regards when it comes to intelligence, wit, looks, etc. But I didn't feel like a good person, and I used people to try and make them think highly of me, to cover up how I felt about myself. Some of that cost me a marriage. Now that I understand it all, life is a whole lot easier and better. Sure I still want to fuck women, make them cum, and everyone likes validation, but it doesn't bother me when I don't get it like it used to.

This is all about you man, not women. If you look at yourself hard enough, you'll figure out what you're not happy with yourself about. Make the change you think you need to, or at least put the effort forth, and the rest will fall into place.

P.S. I've read books recently too that suggest that once you do this work on yourself, it's much more highly likely that you can have relationships that last longer and are more productive, because you engage in it out of joy and shared interest rather than just because you need validation or something else from your partner.

Good luck man.