| You know what chaps my ass? Ego problems, that's what. Having recently done some intense reading in to inner game I've managed to figure out one of the huge sticking points in my game, probably life in general. I have a savage bastard of an ego. Not the big-headed kind, rather the opposite, a "cloaked ego". I care way too much what other people think about me. In particular friends and family, not really random girls etc. I'm subconsciously desperate for their validation, for them to think I'm cool and for them not to perceive me as weak or a loser. If you'd said this to me years ago I would have said it's complete rubbish and not relevant to me at all but I never understood it back then.
It's becoming clearer and clearer. For example, I can happily approach and chat up a girl if I'm on my own, if I know no one is watching. If my friends are with me however I sometimes can't force myself to do it. Another example would be that I never liked speaking on the phone, I can have phone conversations fine but if one of my friends or a colleague is listening in on the conversation I'd hate it. These are just insecurities but the fact is I can push through them if I don't think other people are judging me. The final example would be me just 20 minutes ago I was looking at signing up for a daygame bootcamp, probably one of Sasha's. I know I don't think I'm improving enough and needed a kick up the arse so a bootcamp like that would awesome for me. Despite that, before even looking at cost, I knew I wouldn't do it. Recently I've started trying to consciously challenge any subconscious fears or limiting beliefs rather than letting them boil under the surface so I wrote down the issue and took it apart logically. What follows is the blurb that came straight out of my head (it's a bit scattered).
I think that a Bootcamp would really help me in PUA and improve me as a person. Trying to do this on my own is ok but I'd improve so much more with someone to push me and to provide feedback.
But I know I wont do it. Because I am afraid that I will run in to one of my friends in London. They will be like, dude why are your running around the street being weird with women and people. And they'll be like come with us or hang around themselves and watch and I'll be wasting the bootcamp feeling really self-conscious.. They might tell my friends about it and I'll have to put up with loads of awkward bullshit.
Well the chances of running in to friend in London is low. Probably 5 good friends working and living in London. 10-15 people who would even recognise me at most. In a city of 8 million people.
Is what I'd be doing weird or creepy? No it's funny and I'm improving myself as a person by getting over my fears. It might look weird to them but does it matter what they think?
The only thing that matter's is that I'm acting in line with my beliefs and values. If they can't deal with that it's their problem. If it's too much for them then that's their problem. I have plenty of friends and don't need anyone. If they still want to be friends then brilliant! But I'm not going to worry about keeping someone in my life who is holding me back from being who I want to be.
Would it matter if they told all my other friends I was making an idiot of myself in cental london? I'd reframe it and say it was fucking hilarious. Who cares?
Would it bother me if they found out I paid someone to teach me how to be good with girls. Ouch that one hits deeper. My ego is throwing a shit fit about that prospect . Yeah I know that one shouldn't bother me but it does. It means that I wasn't already man enough to pull chicks. I actually needed someone to help me pick up chicks? That's what my insecurity is saying anyway
"Dude, who the hell needs to pay someone to do that? That's weird can't believe you did that."
I'd be stopping myself from doing something extremely beneficial because my ego is so strong and is worried about how other people would percieve me. Do the benefits of other people thinking that I don't need help with women and that I'm totally normal outweigh the benefits I would get from doing a bootcamp?
Benefits of people thinking I'm completely normal and that I don't need help with women
I don't have to put up with people taking the piss out of me. No snidy comments
Can't lose any friends
No emotional hurt to myself
People wont judge me
Negatives of people thinking I'm not completely normal and that I need help with women
My friends may feel I'm pathetic or a loser, not want to hang out
I might not get invited on night out because the think I'm not safe
Benefits of taking a bootcamp
It would destroy my fear of approaching and talking to strangers
I would learn some good outer game that would have otherwise taken me months to figure out myself
It would accelerate the learning process hugely, rather than waiting 2 years to get good at game I'd reach that level in months
It would be a fun experience
So there's some likely positives and worst case negatives to taking or not taking a bootcamp. How does it balance out? Well the positives are what I'd expect to happen and the negatives are worst case scenario, 1 in 1000 or less. Obviously the benefits to going on a bootcamp already outweigh the negatives. But lets look at the negatives again. No emotional hurt if I just stay at home and don't make a tit of myself on the street? REALLY? Whats going to hurt more? Making a twat of yourself and your friends laughing at you or looking back at your life when you're 80 and knowing, knowing that you were a coward and wasted your life. Never chased your desires because you let other people's insignificant opinions absolutely control your life? How are you going to feel then? Your heart is going to wrench itself inside out and wish it could go back to where you are now and make everything right. But you won't be able to. It will be too late. And you'll know it.
Well it could still mean that my friends won't want to hang and won't invite me out to parties or whatever. So what? I'd be making new friends, one's who would enable me to be the person I want to be rather than holding me back. Why should I care....
Pretty deep hey. I'm just shocked how powerful these stupid inner fears are even when they are standing right in the face of logic. If anyone has any thoughts or experience of dealing with these issues around ego, worrying about the social groups perception of you etc I'd be interested. I'm chipping away at this stuff all the time but I'd like to speed it up if could. Like I've said, it's not being straight up rejected at anything that bothers me. I've dealt with that fine. It's the social rejection and worrying about my friends perceptions that is subconsciously causing me a nightmare. Perhaps it's more of an identity issue, wanting to associate with a sexual identity but being afraid to do so in case I fall short and embarrass myself. Still ego. Sorry that the post is so scattered, I've not got my head around it clearly.
(Mods if you think this belongs in another sub-forum feel free to move it. I assume the level of discussion on ego would be of a higher quality here in the lounge than elsewhere.)
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