Met this 26yr old woman who is the hottest chick at work. She was unattainable as she was with a guy for 5yrs and had a kid together. He was a dbag so she tossed him to the curb and we immediately started hooking up both of us not looking for anything serious. That was 8 months ago and things got fairly serious. The entire time she was clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship but admitted the heart wants what the heart wants. The guy had lied to her a lot and she has trust issues and fear of intimacy issues.

The trend I noticed was we would get close and she would think about it and back off. The first time we had sex she said she didnt think we should hang out anymore. Then we slowly progressed back into it again and she started to enjoy being around me saying the sex was the best she had ever had. There was another time we were going at it and I almost came she immediately shut down and said she had to get going anyway. We continued seeing each other at work every day and dating at least twice a week.

Then I let my guard down because she started letting me meet her kid and hang out so I started bringing my kid around too (after the initial date where my wife came along to make sure she was cool for my kid to be around). Next she had me over to her house and cooked dinner for me (shes an insane cook). We'd hook up but not in her room because it was too soon for her and I would spend the night in the other room. I started showing I was disappointed when she wouldn't do things she normally used too AFC shit (texts, calls, hangouts at regular times).

I became a bit too needy, nothing horrible but enough to be unattractive. The climax came the night I took her out and spent the night finally in her bed. It was an amazing night but again I think she felt like I was getting to close and she slowed down all communications and would make plans that wouldn't allow me to get close to her. Like dinner with her kid there so I would meet her and couldn't do anything or it would confuse him then she would go home. Or she would offer to meet me with my kid or go to a public place but never her house again.

She keeps telling me she wants me to take her dancing, karaoke, etc... but she does it so its more of a hypothetical thing instead of an actual thing. So this last week she said it would be cool to get together with the kids and my ex and go bowling. Ill admit this irritated me because I cannot tell if she is trying to friend-zone me or if its something else. None of the FZ stuff is there once we hang out. She leans her shoulder on mine, holds my hand, is cuddly, kisses, etc... Its driving me crazy!

So I start working heavily on myself and realize my neediness and start pulling back to address me and after she sent the text about hanging out with my family I initiated no contact for 3 days. I had to see her wednesday and she acted weird and distant and was clearly hurt. She asked me where I had been and I told her I was figuring things out. We hugged and she held on tight and long and then I gave her a quick love peck on the lips and it felt awkward like she didnt want it. The next day she didnt talk to me at all.

These things are always impossible to figure out when your inside them with the emotions flowing. Ive been working on myself a ton and making great progress. I think about her a lot less but still really like her and would love to continue dating her. I dont want to have her dictating where we hang out and when. I also dont want her in control of the sex or for me to have to get her drinking to get there. Outside of that I just want a normalish dating relationship and to just relax and have fun with her.

Any help you guys could give would be greatly appreciated!

Stop chasing her. Her emotions are attached to her child, she doesn't want another boy to look after.

Be clear you don't want to do stuff with your ex-wife.

Breakup with her, go no contact, saying you need space. Let her chase you, then re-establish that the terms of relationship will be casual and sexual.

If she doesn't meet your terms, dump her and let another guy get head-fucked by her games.

I agree on your first comment. She doesn't want another boy to look after she just finished doing that for 5yrs completely supporting the other guy and doesn't want to pour her energy into that. I don't interpret that as games though.

I did just go no contact for 3 days with her and she was sad when I saw her next. Then I didn't talk to her for another 24hrs. When we spoke today it was light and funny. I misspelled a word and she joked with me about it...I called her a hipster wannabe and said that the spelling had been changed. She said she was feeling picked on and wanted to go take a nap. Well I thought it was funny haha

P.S. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to this man. Much appreciated.

That part is not games, no. But going from hot to cold all the time is.

Regain control by breaking up. Renegotiate the terms of the relationship when she chases you. If she doesn't agree to your terms, make the breakup permanent. You've been pussy whipped and she doesn't respect your dominance anymore.

Work romances are a recipe for disaster imo.

We dont work together anymore. We aren't actually together as she always said she didn't want a relationship but we both agree that there is an unspoken relationship happening if two people meet more than twice a week, have sex, talk all the time, have play dates with the kids, and were monogamous because we were not using protection.

If I am reading you correctly, I should break that off with her by saying look I dont think this is working out and then sit back and wait for her to make her next move which may be:

1) she will never look back and we will be over with.

or

2) she will reinitiate contact with me and ask me to take her back after missing me for some time?


I have realized through this process that I have a few flaws...

Humility time:
I was too needy
I was looking for her to create my happiness
I always had expectations of every date ending in sex and was getting validation through this

Before I get blasted let me be clear that I am fully aware of these things now and have been reading the crap out of posts on here for a while. I am working my ass off to fix my inner-game by absolutely filling my time with things for me to be complete without a woman. I havent posted about this in weeks because I wanted to get to a spot where I wasn't completely consumed like I was before. I am making great progress in a lot of places but didn't want to blow this potentially good relationship in the meantime.

OK you are currently seeing her and having casual sex, but your actual problem is you're not happy with the low level of AFFECTION she is giving you. Notice how she only recoils when you become lovey-dovey, NOT while you're having sex. Your problem is dealing with lack of affection. Get your affection from other sources, friends, siblings, child, parents etc.

Wow! I just got dr phil bitchslapped on that one I think your right on the money!

Lets assume for arguments sake you are and I follow your advice to a T. Does that mean that I dont look to the girls I am seeing for affection ever? Or just to get it elsewhere and if it comes from the girls I see be pleasantly surprised? That makes perfect sense if so but does go against everything I knew previously and feels cold or distant to me. I am sure there is some sort of healthy balance that I cant find until I am fully healthy.

Not exactly. You can still enjoy affection from a girl, just don't go looking for it. If you have an abundance of affection in your life from other sources, you won't need to put all your "affection eggs" in this girl's basket. See a girl giving you affection as a bonus, don't seek it.

If you are happy with your casual relationship the way it is, then fine, continue. But deal with your own issues with needing affection privately if you want it to be a healthy one. She will appreciate your maturity.

I guess thats kinda my problem then. I need to continue to work on my inner-game and get that affection elsewhere which I have been doing an awesome job on lately. I can literally feel the pressure sliding off of me. Taking the 3 day NC made me feel like I was in control for the first time which felt great.

As part of my journey I have been ripping through David D materials, Reading lots of great books like Iron John, Art of Seduction, the happiness trap, the way of the superior man, warrior king magician lover...for what its worth all of these seem to have common themes and are great books!

The second part is that I have created my values and goals. This was huge for me as I was raised by church rules which I broke from years ago but with that break came a void of values which I have realized allow me to not only do sketchy shit but allowed me to permit sketchy shit to be done to me.

As I have done this with regards to relationships its allowed me to pick what I want from relationships and what qualities I find attractive. I used all my ex gf's and all the positive relationships I knew of as well as any other thoughts I had in my head to build this. The girl I am seeing is off the charts with this stuff but the timing is terrible with her just coming off a relationship and me just now finding myself. The point is I think I really do want a LTR with her and hope that its possible even with the baggage in the middle.

Good luck on journey bro. Keep us posted.

Hunters advice was awesome! I would really like to hear from others on their point of view as well.