Hey guys,

Even though I did my best to read up on this/ deal with this on my own before making a topic about it, it seems like I am unable to deal with this without your advice.

Im sorry its a long post but the background is complicated! Take your time, maybe grab a drink!
Please comment/advise/criticize Even if you havent been in this situation, tell me what you think, I would like a fresh opinion!

Ill try and make this neat:

Girlfriend:

23yo, Good looking, 8-9, outgoing but insecure on the inside, had 5-6 bfs before me, plus some random guys when she was in school. She has the kind of face that normally is really cute, but she has no problem coming off as really sexy if she wants. Shes canadian, but heavily into other cultures, so likes to travel and meet people, esp from exotic places, the more different from her the better. Mostly really feminine, but can be stubborn if she wants smth.

Me:

25yo, also look not bad, can stand out from a crowd in a good way, mostly due to solid body language. Im the masculine one in the relationship and I like really feminine girls.

Relationship Background:

She is canadian, im norwegian, and we met randomly at a party while studying abroad in china. I put my pua knowledge to use, k-close same night, in 2-3 weeks of dating made her my girlfriend. Amazing time for the next month, meeting every weekend, great sex, random bj. She says I love you first. We travel for a month in korea, together 24/7, which was great.

Got deeply connected as I taught her how to deal with her insecurities, made her a better person by teaching her values like 'dont brag', 'dont complain, do smth about it', 'be your own source of validation', 'judge by your own standards and not by society's'. Sometimes I assert my dominance by occasionly tell her to do stuff. To that, at that point in the relationship, she would say i have good leadership. I become almost a fatherly figure to her. We returned to china, and shortly after, to our separate countries.

Because of the feeling of 'love' that I gave her, she wanted a LDR with me. I agreed, since I sincerely liked her, and she had all of the qualities that I was looking for in a girlfriend. But I told her that an indefinite LDR wont work for me and that she has to move to my country if we're to have a future. She promised that after a year, when her school is done, she will apply for school here and come to live with me.

We had a year of skyping, some sexy pictures from her, SPAM sex, and 4 transatlantic visits. Always great time and great sex during visits. She always dresses up for me. I really hit it off with her family, even though they never liked any of her previous bfs.

Towards the end, the SPAM sex tapered off, no sexy pictures, I guess i was too available. I stopped saying 'I love you' to her, also if she said it to me. Didnt want to fall into lovey dovey friend zone, its boyfriend or nothing as i told her. Basically trying to get back some sexuality. She construed it into me just caring about sex even though i pointed out to her i was in an LDR with her skyping every day. If I wanted just sex I would not be in this position.

Although logical, this argument stopped the SPAM sex completely. Later through DHVs, some NC, I got some sexuality back, and so I started to say 'I love you back'. She later told me that i seemed much more human after that fight, in contrast to the "almost godlike" figure ive been in the beginning.

Current Situation:

Still she moved in with me, things started off great since we were back together in person. She started on contraception, and her sex drive sharply declined. At one point she got annoyed that i held her boobs while sleeping (never ever a problem before). I got pissed since shes my gf, that should be ok, she started crying saying she cant help feeling low sex drive. We talk through it, decide to stop the contraception. Her sex drive resumes but not the same as before.

Slowly during the 6 months of us living together, the sex has declined. She got some sex outfits when she moved from canada, but only used them in the beginning of her stay here. Cares less about dressing up for me, but still cooks, is lovey dovey, reads to me, we like to get drunk together. I notice she thinks of me less though. When I tell her to do stuff, its no longer 'good leadership' but 'bossy' and 'annoying'.

She would talk about marriage alittle while back, which is fine since she is the feminine one in the relationship. I playfully avoid this topic which is generally ok since im the masculine one in the relationship. It comes off as me not wanting to be tied down, but she seems to like that and is drawn to that.

My Efforts::

1) Maybe a month ago, the sex has been more and more of an issue. I believe in talking so I said that as a man I have a need, the sperm has to come out, a sexless relationship is a no go for me. That temporarily got some sex back, but nowhere near the beginning. No random bj's. Sex maybe 1-2 times a week. I brought this up 2-3 times because i wanted to deal with it. In the end she started to get upset about it, it became "old" to talk about it.

2) Next I started reading this forum and realised that its a bad idea to try and talk to her about it as i did Normally the best thing seems to be to Soft Next her. This was really hard to do while living with her. I started some sports, weight lifting, became emotionally distant but still polite and friendly. But we live together so even if im gone most of the day, we spend evening/night/morning together. I started replying shortly, huggin/kissing her only when she initiates.

She cried several times because of this, asking me why I became like this. I dodge this, never mention sex at all. If she cries I try to hold the frame being aloof, or just walk away if she gets really upset, or just pat her and say its gonna be ok. Once or twice since that have had great sex, great bj's. On those days, for a day or two, I become attentive and caring, less aloof. Then back to distant again.

Basically reward the behavior I like with attention, taking her out to dates etc. I feel like a cold bastard when i do it to be honest, but i know that it would be worse if I did the opposite and caved in like an AFC.

Problem:

1) She seems to at least unconsiously realize what im doing and adapting to that by being aloof herself, starting to do more things on her own, hangs out with her friends more. Sometimes shittests me, something I occasionly fail bacause I dont expect that from her. More distanced and cold behavior than ever before, havent had sex in over a week, and rejects me if I initiates.
Basically recovering from my aloofness and repaying the service by displaying her own. Uses all the inner strength tools I taught her when I met her to stay strong. Sometimes is disrespectful, but apologizes when I ask for an apology.

2) The sex frequency is really unstable, sometimes we go without it for a week, sometimes theres a day when we fuck two times. I make sure to make it a good experience for her. Common wisdom says Soft Next, but its hard to do while living together. Now that she started to become aloof too theres even less sex, and I feel like I'M getting drawn to HER and not the other way around.

3) My frame feels like shit! I used to be so fucking confident, now there are more and more moments of weakness when I feel horrible. I like to think I keep the needy AFC dead in me, but you know how even if you have a moment of weakness, a girl will smell it. I feel that my aloofness caused her aloofness so i feel its my fault that we are drifting apart. Im starting to think that that was a wrong approach in this case.


Help me out people! I will post any updates as soon as something happens. Ill gladly trust and follow your advice and critique!

Come on guys, lets do this! I know your knowledge is gold!

I tried to deal with loss of interest both by addressing the problem directly, and by nexting her.

Im being torn between trying to talk to her again, which means I cave to her distancing herself from me, and between continuing to next her, which does not seem to affect her anymore. Did I overdo it?

I dont want to break up with her because she took a big risk leaving her life to live with me. Im also grateful to her parents for how they treated me and cant just throw their daughter out on the streets, which will have to happen if we break up. I want to fix this but everything i tried keeps failing

Should I keep being cold towards her, be even colder? Should I sit down and talk to her straight like I tried before and failed many times?

For one, im going to say Patiences if one of your problems, she probably thinks the same, i mean you posted on here and then get upset because no one has responded to you in a 50min time frame.

Second, the PUA stuff that helped you get the girl is not what will keep a relationship together. There is some parts of PUA that you should continue, just to be a better person yourself, but other parts will not help in a relationship. PUA is for sarging and bettering yourself as a person, not for maintaining a relationship.

Being in a relationship, Soft Nexting only works for a very short period of time. Continuing you a Soft Next over a long period of time will only push the woman away. Soft Nexting is for getting a woman back, and getting her to chase you when she has stopped. Your lady is living with you, unless she is done with the relationship she is not going anywhere. You cant continue to Soft Next her because you are not getting the sex that you want.

The woman gives her body to man when she is feels safe, comfort, and trusts the man. Somewhere during this she has lost the comfort and trust, you have to get this back if you want more sex.

If you are living with a woman, marriage will come up at some point, and it is ok for her to bring it up first but it is not ok for you ignore it. This will tell that you do not want that commitment. That is the womans goal, marriage. If marriage is something you dont want, then you will have to let her know when the marriage talk comes about.

If your woman is crying, i dont care the reason, you had better let her at least cry on your shoulder. You dont have to say anything but if you are in a relationship, the last thing a woman wants is to cry alone.

When a woman starts asking questions about how to deal with insecurities, then you know she is basically reflecting your insecurities. Remember that women in general are pretty insecure as they need a man as their protector. You get sex when you make them feel safe. They will also do by design and emulate your confidence in general life. So really, you don't need to teach not how to brag, be secure and confident etc.. What monkey see monkey does is the phrase. The reward is sex. If she's not giving it to you, she's on the way out -- she is. But here's an interesting thing though. If you soft-next her or even if you are providing challenge and she is not all that responsive, but gradually loosing interest in the process, that would only mean one thing. She WAS NEVER into you in the first place; just like her other 5 boyfriends I think. Usually interest level or the attraction level drops gradually not drastically and unrecoverable because she is not only physically bonded with you but also emotionally and spiritually bonded to you. I have met women who had looser and insecure ex-boyfriends and they had severe oneitis with them. They did not clear their mental and spiritual bonding with them, eventhough physically they are no longer together. There is nothing you can do if they aren't willing to break this contract, unless someone you are her oneitis with less flaws as him!

The reason she's travelling and learning other cultures is that, she is trying to work off oneitis with her main boyfriend, the first one she thought she had connection with and the one she thought he is her soul mate. If she's into Asian stuff, you can bet that's what she's trying to work off of. Unfortunately, you came into her life with bad timing. She's just using you as a pawn; someone who's approximate her first boyfriend but failed to see any connection between him and you. Obviously, there is no way you can replace her boyfriend that she cherished the most.

Chalk it up as a learning experience and the great sex you had together. This time though, learn to master your insecurities, because apparently you have some to work on because you are fearing loosing this relationship. What's interesting is that towards the end of the relationship, you had become the student and the student (her) is now teaching you that you're nothing but an insecure boy! Relationship breakup is common and nothing to worry about. Having PUA skills is good ONLY if you meet a girl that mirrors your confidence and security. Believe me, if you are confident and secure and patient, she won't need a class in those from you and neither in dominance and jealousy either. She'll be the monkey that learns it all from you and gratify you with affection and sex. Besides the affection is so great that sex is just icing on the cake.

Hope this helps.

Hey, thank you very much for your input!

krular::
I originally intended to give it a couple of days, but realized that my original post was really long and therefore inserted a much shorter one to stimulate the conversation alittle. Im more patient than this so sorry if you felt i was nagging : )
Yeah I realize that, and luckily I changed the way I interact with her during the relationship. In the beginning, I used alot of canned material as my inner game was pretty weak, but later on, went completely over on core confidence. I try keeping the social skills that I learned from PUA, but now in a LTR also aim at having a direction in life, reach my potential, and help my gf reach hers.
Thats a valid point, but she DID stop chasing me/started losing interest, and I DID feel like I lost at least some part of her, as her sexy side has up until now has always been part of the relationship. Also, this was a last resort, I made sure to talk to her about it first and tried to lose the routine that I admittedly by my own mistake let creep into the relationship.
Up until recently she has been my little girl, until a month or two ago, I would even hold her hand when crossing the road. I work so I provide food and pay for housing. If anything, I would think she is too safe and too comfortable, so I try and balance it out by having her pay for certain small things like coffee/clothes. If its a bigger thing like a plane ticket or a school fee, Im emphasizing that she will some day repay me. I heard of many stories about people falling into the provider trap and the girl fucking some sexy douchebag so I try to keep some kind of a balance. I try to project trust by giving a sense that we can allways talk things out, which is why I tried talking about it first. Is there any other/better way to project comfort and trust? Maybe I have overlooked something?
Yeah you're right I dont particularly like marriage as I dont like the idea of having a contract for keeping people together. My parents had a crazy divorce so I want a relationship where people can leave without dealing with lawyers drama etc. I emphasize that she can leave me if she wants, and on some anniversaries I even ask her if she still wants to be my girlfriend, trying not to expect neither a 'yes' or a 'no' from her, and trying to make her really think if she wants to be with me before she replies. Also neither of us is into kids, dont plan on having any, so I would think that me playfully dodging the marriage talk with is not that bad.
Yeah trust me when I see her crying its the hardest fucking feeling I ever had. At first I kept being cold, feeling like a goddamn sociopath, but now i hug her, pat her and tell her its gonna be ok, while still trying not to reward the crying somehow.

mikemight::
I didnt know that, and I dont necessarily agree with that. For example, she really cares about her appearance, draws confidence from that. If she doesnt have the right clothes, she feels really bad going to a party. Thats different from me: While I like to look presentable, I feel just as at ease in fancy clothes as in old/dirty/illfitting clothes.
I think that some of the concepts I taught her are hard to even notice so its easier to explain them. I explained to her, for example, theory from one of my favorite books on selfimprovement, and a strategy for dealing with stress. I showed her difference between situational confidence and core confidence. Basically improving her inner game you might say. In my opinion, inner game is hard to internalize just by imitating, you also have to study and understand it.
Also from what I learned on this forum, based on evolutionary psychology, it seems that a better frame is that they get protection as a reward when i get sex, not the other way around, that I get sex as a reward for protecting them. As I understand, the caveman lady keeps her caveman boyfriend from walking off in to the forest to get on with other caveman ladies and encourages him to provide for her by showing him affection and love. Nothing else really prevents him from walking off, as he has plenty of shit to do and genetically would like to impregnate more caveman women than just this one.
Thats true, and I am willing to accept that if I try my best and she still loses interest, then its just not meant to be and we have to find someone else. I want to try all options before 'I give up', which is why I ask for your advice in case I miss an option.
I dont really look at sex being the reward for me, since I always make sure she enjoys it. I like to think that sex is for both of us, and it seems to be the case, since once we start it, i know we both like it. To avoid/lessen whatever oneitis i might have, maybe an even better frame would be that its her reward to have sex with me, but id rather not push it to that extreme either.
I take from this that I need to build some spirituality between us, but I already instilled a notion that "its me and her against the world" in our relationship. We make plans together, talk about the future, and would even sometimes meditate together. Do you have more suggestions on how bond spiritually/more deeply? Is there anything more deep than the feeling of conspiring against the world?
Actually she fell in love with the asian/african world when whe was really young, maybe 8-10 years old. That made her feel like an outcast since the specific community she is from is culturally close minded and basically had only canadians. Also (at least from what she told me), her previous boyfriends all seem like idiots with exception for maybe one or two in the middle, and both my gf and her family would agree with me. I have heard about her first bf and actually met her last, and as far as I can tell I'm in many ways the opposite. I honestly dont know how she ended up with them.
Haha its definitely a learning experience my friend! And yes just as I thought my frame was immovable, she moved it! I always came off as I dont give a shit, and as it turns out, I do! Im definitely working on this now by trying to get some perspective on it, like its just a learning experience and focusing more on my goals in life.

As I mentioned, some of the things do not lend themselves to be just shown, theyre better explained too in my opinion. But youre right in that her behavior has gradually become more similar to mine in some respects, just by her watching me. But there is only so much I can teach her, even if I read and learn much more on my own, she will catch up to me, so Id like to think that sex and affection can be based off of something else than that.

So far it seems like Im nexting her too hard, so im gonna try being slightly more responsive/ less cold. Although I suspect that in her mind that will be taken as a result to her acting cold, the end effect being me rewarding her bad behavior. What do you think? Other posts suggest that if you next her and she nexts you, you next her harder. This is from posts in the relationship section, so I would think it applies to my case. Correct me if Im wrong!

Heh dude,

Your replies are just damn to long! Shorten them next time please!

1, Self-doubt, fear and obsession about some things are all forms of insecurity. Some people obsess about a relationship because they feel lonely or not whole without. Some people obsess about wearing nice clothes and dress up in normal occasion fearing some people may look down at them and some people have self-doubt. Dressing up and showing off your Mercedes Benz aren't form of security. There are millions of people who have millions of dollars in the bank who drive a Honda Civic and wear Wal-Mart bought clothes! I have clients who are like that. In fact, rich and famous people are the best form of insecurities.

2, Don't fix her.. You are trying to fix her issues by offering your wisdom and spilling your guts out about inner game. No no no!! You want to keep yourself a mystery and offer her only your affection and your love and yourself to be with her. Nothing else. Let the psychologist deal with her insecurity issues if she needs hypnotherapy. What you've done is setting yourself up for "failure". You are trying to save a damsel in distress syndrome.
It's ok, I've been there too.

3, Sex is a byproduct of what a man you are to her. It may be a reward to you if you did your job right, but it's really a her means of security to make sure you are with her. After all, she knows you like pussy and she capitalizes it to the fullest. Sure she does enjoy it, but only with the right man! With the wrong man, she bears it until she finds another.

4, Bonding spirituality means love at first sight without sex for the first month or two or even three. You'll see some PUA here doing face palms on me for sure, but this is to ensure that both of you are right for each other. Both of you will know. Don't even need to meditate because both heads are clear of sex, which is a drug that clouds judgement. The problem is, once you guys have sex, you guys just plod ahead because you mistaken sex for love. It's not. It's lust and really it's just a matter of time before both of you split because you guys have nothing in common. Now some people play the games and sweet talk guilt towards her to get her to hang on to the guy for like another few years. In the end, either the guy or girl leaves. In the meantime, 5 to 10 yrs had past and you need at least a few years to decouple after that fiasco, or you'll have relationship relapses.

In spiritual terms, both of you just experience a Karmic relationship. What you really need is a Karmic Free relationship and this is all about you self-improving and forgiving the past. Once you're willing to do this, the girls you meet later will be a heck a lot better than what you meet now. But of course, humans are quite contend in staying the way they are now. Sex after all is prime in their minds. But they all will never realize the best part of a spiritually fulfilling relationship including sex! The way she's going now, she will overtake you in getting the right man for her. Trust me. Women on a spiritual path heal heck a lot faster than men!

Lastly, do not underestimate women and do not believe whatever she says. She can be into aliens and ancient artifacts for all you know. But you're not dating Asian culture, you are dating her. The most important thing is that, she revealed that you are an insecure beta male. That's all she needs to know. All the talk about you being special against her other boyfriends are just that, sweet talk.. Remember that you are dealing with a dominant female creature and you need to always be confident and secure as she whips the dominant control over you for the life of the relationship. And with the sweet talk and sex to keep you off-track. That's where you are ending her now.

Many ex-girlfriends told me that I fuck and kiss 150% better than their exes. Well obviously, I'm really not 150% better when I got dumped! All talk and cheap. You need actions from the girl and if she's not giving them to you, consider yourself written off.

Next time, don't be such a nice guy!

On the first place, you are the one to be aloof with her, most girl like her, need someone who show more passionate about her and your relationship. You push her to change, and not being a woman who meet you before. You are the one who put your relationship in that situation. You have to talk to her, and make a way to have a conversation, and ask her everything and why she changed. At least in that way, you know what really she feels inside, and why she act like that. Give her time to talk and compromise.

LMAO

Sorry for the long replies, ill keep it more to the point!
Yes I sensed that about her, pointed it out to her and explained it to her. I showed her that in my opinion the value comes from within, and how to gain that. I helped her learn to rely more on herself than on situation/clothes.
I guess youre right that I become less of a mystery by teaching her things like that. Actually at that point early on I suspected this was gonna bite me in the ass but I genuinely wanted to help her. I guess its possible to view it as me trying to save a damsel in distress, but really I always view myself as the leader in the relationship and as a leader I want to lead people I lead to a good place.
Yeah I agree, I try and keep a frame of me rewarding her for sex with security. Im not gonna be just the provider type. I believe that the provider type is the "wrong man" as you say, and the sexy non emotional guy is the one she ends up fucking while being with a provider.
In my opinion its good to start sex early to know that you are compatible with that respect. Also I think there is a reason why some PUAs would facepalm themselves, as I think the chance of being friendzoned increases drastically. I guess depends on your style though.
Sorry but while I agree that spirituality is important, I dont understand what Karma has to do with this, could you elaborate more on this?
I dont know what you mean by that, ofcourse I'm not dating Asian culture, shes from Canada.
Yeah I definitely dont trust any sweet talk from her - what girls think, say, and really want are three different things. I still think Ive got a decent feel of her boyfriends, even setting aside what she has to say about them completely. Can sort of sense that most of them are AFCs and have little/no direction or curiosity in life.
How am I a nice guy? I apparently froze the shit out of her. Or do you mean before that, when I gave her too much attention?

andyredsox:
I already did that, several times, and it only made it worse. Honestly, after getting into PUA, I dont think girls know what themselves why they act how they act. I think girls act first and then rationalize later. While I value her opinion in most other matters, when it comes to why she does things I cant take her or other women seriously.

Norwegiandude,

How are you not a nice guy when just read carefully your own reply to my post #1. You're trying to teach her how to behave this and that. That's usually the job of what her mother would do, not her daddy. Her daddy would just ground or spank her! You are her daddy aren't you?
You're too nice by trying to impress her which is costing your personal time and effort for what? For the opportunity to fuck her, but in the end she felt you're just too nice. Nice = loss of attraction.
You can be nice later on when the relationship is more stable and when she's treating you like her daddy. That's when you're supposed to be nice not being OVERLY TOO nice.

All this Asian/African culture stuff is just her diversion; letting her mind wander until her next man comes along to woo her. She probably likes it, but you're being again too nice to be completely immersed in what she's doing. Is she completely immersed into what you like as well? Equal attention, or just you paying more than her? Pay interest later on in those stuff when you guys have been in a stable relationship. Just feed into this stuff slowly, not like all at once.

Karmic relationship has to do with reincarnation and a typical signage of this is an instant attraction followed by intense sexual action and then a tapering off of that and eventual breakup. The premise for this relationship is to teach either of you lessons in life through pain. The reason for the intense attraction is because, based on reincarnation both of you had been lovers in many past lives and this is just one huge simulation replaying the same scenarios again and again until you learn how to become more assertive. Then you progress with her further until you are both healed. What that maybe could be marriage leading to having kids if you both so wish. Therefore, and if you believe in any of these Asian eastern spiritual work, you both are destined to come back, meet perhaps next time as you will be Canadian and she's Norwegian and then have it out again. Karmic relationships happen all the time. Meeting a woman is not by chance, but is pre-planned. Karma is action by an individual, which means if you fuck 10 or more women in this life time, you are destined to replay these but progress to a more evolved relationship with the same women until both of you finish the game. Kind of neat if you believe in this, because the next time you play it, you'll get better. Do you ever wonder WHY some guys are just naturally born with this gift of inner game, as though they just got it down pat and some of us just suck at it?

I have no problem having sex early on, though the problem with some men is that they loose self-control and being too emotional because the sex is a drug and you're high. Just observe how women start leveraging their position on you AFTER sex, because they know how to get you and put you down when you're drugged. Now if you're good at this and still have your head, have sex and be assertive and confident. You lost it when you dick is thinking. If you're ok with short relationships, then it's up to you.

Personally, don't despair. Chalk it up as a good experience. You got something out of it and she got something out of it too. Next time though, keep your mouth shut and just observe and don't let women bulldoze you into a corner that you don't feel comfortable. And say something to her if you don't feel comofortable. You may loose some pussy time in the moment, BUT in the long run, you get to keep her longer.

Hope this helps.

Mikemight - he can be nice later when the relationship is more stable? This is a relationship that must already be 2 years old, they've had a fair amount of time of intense 24/7 time together whilst traveling, and a year LDR. They've now been together in Norway for, I assume, a good few months. When does the stability kick in?

I'm afraid I disagree with a lot of what you've said there Mike. A girl not wanting sex as regularly when you're 2 years into a relationship does not necessarily mean that she's still actually in love with her ex and is using you to get over him. It can mean a whole host of things.

Norwegiandude - I think there is a point in every relationship when you need to decide what you want from it. Is this just going to be one of those relationships that you see as being mid-term sex, or is it starting to go for the whole committal route? If you've been together for a couple of years already and her attitude - and the relationship - is now starting to change, then it suggests to me you need to figure out where the relationship is going.

If you really want this to be "the one" sort of a relationship, then if I'm being perfectly honest you should be able to talk things through. If you can't sit down and sort your problems out with a girl when you've been dating for over 2 years and have been living together for quite a while, then there are some serious issues with the relationship. You shouldn't need to be asking questions like this on an internet forum, in my opinion.

There might be some give and take. Sex might be one of those things. You might have to sit down and sort out what each other is happy to compromise on. Yeah there are things you can do to get her having more regular sex with you again for a while, but do you want to be playing those games for ever? If it's a serious relationship, and she's got an issue that is stopping her having more regular sex, then you need to talk it through. If you can't find a happy compromise then perhaps you'll just have to face that you're after different things. If she doesn't want sex as regularly as you then you'll either have to compromise (ok, twice a week is enough, but she has to make it really special!) or realise that this isn't going to work.

Hey mikemight, sorry but I think you're wrong about the connection to the ex and travelling. She just likes other cultures, exactly like I like other cultures with no connection to my exes. Thanks for the other advice though.

Hey 7000, thanks, you're right, we have spent a good amount of time together, so this is well into the stable phase. Honestly I wanted to go the 'committal route' with her, spending my life with her, since everything has been going so well up until now.

I agree with you on the talking too, thats why I talked to her several times about it. Every time, she said she just doesnt feel like doing it that often and thats that. Maybe for a week the sex increases, but then drops again. Then if I escalate, she just lays without moving at all thinking of something else or even straight up moving my hand away. That would never happen in the beginning LOL! When I ask, shes not in the mood. This feels ridiculous, like trying to make love to a doll, nothing how it used to be before.

Yeah I guess its about compromise, but its hard to find a place to draw the line. Im determined that im not gonna spend my life in a sexless relationship like many married couples do, but on the other hand its hard to throw away two years just like that.

Hey guys, just wanted to update you on the situation, and let you know what I learned from this.

What happened was: I started caring less about our relationship and went out a couple of times with some friends. I met some new people and realized that my energy towards new acquaintances is completely different than towards my gf. Im playful, interested, challenging, teasing, cocky and funny towards new girls and people in general. But when I get home to her I guess im pretty passive. Couple that with the fact that I lost alot of my drive in life, less hobbies and going out, etc, and its easy to see why the relationship grew stale.

Now, in addition to treating her comfortably like my 2yr gf, I started to put more energy into my interaction with her, as if she was a new girl. Send her a playful text now and then, tease her, just show some love. AND SIMULTANEOUSLY, I keep doing that to all the people I meet, explore new hobbies, lift weights, and develop a direction in life.

Together, this has the effect of showing her affection, but since I show love to everyone I meet, focus on my life and my direction in life, it does not come off needy at all.

Im not say this will fix our relationship, after all, she has to put in effort too, and we will see how things go with the sex, but in the very least im learning about myself and my interactions with people.

1)Its YOUR life, so focus mostly on yourself, your personality, and your own success in your life.
2)Show love to people around you, not like a lovey-all-happy goofball, but like an alpha male who watches after his herd, like a big brother who likes to see his little sister smile. "be the guy you would want to be around"!
3)Be outcome independent. Take it easy, relax, care less and HAVE FUN. If your girlfriend or friends or anyone doesnt want to be part of your fun, thats ok, cause its still gonna be fun and you will find new people to share it with! If not, have fun on your own, and people will draw to you!

I guess they say you learn and grow alot after a brakeup, I was lucky to learn alot without it, even though it came close. Even if we break up in the end, im alittle more confident that I will still "pull it off" in life.

Damn, contraception can be seriously terrible when their are side effects. It can have very long-term effects and can mess with a girl's hormones and completely change how she interacts with you. Did she start taking the pill or did she start on something else? What is she taking now? My girlfriend got the Depo shot last August and she is still recovering from the side effects (mostly low sex drive, she also has a period that never ends). It SUCKS.

What birth control is she on now? How long since she switched?

My advice is more and better communication. Explain that you have needs.. and when those needs aren't being met, then it makes you moody / feel trapped. Figure out how to get your needs met without being a jerk about it. Talk it through with her and ask her what she thinks about it. Offer up some suggestions and see what she thinks is best. If you need to open up the relationship until her sex drive comes back, then do that.

-Wolf

_________________
Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Thanks for the advice man!
Didnt know you could take a shot as contraception! Im not sure exactly what kind of pill my gf took. She stopped taking it soon after we realized it resulted in low sex drive. That was last summer, close to a year ago. She seemed really sad about it herself, so I just hoped it would pass after she stopped. Interestingly, her side effect was on the contrary really short/almost no period.
When she stopped the contraception, and her sex drive didnt improve immediately, I got pissed off initially, but when I realized she was feeling bad about it, I talked to her.

I told her that I need to blow off the steam and I have my needs and all that, and the sex would improve for half a week or so. Then, she would go back again to "not feeling it". When I ask what am I supposed to do about it, she doesnt know. After 3-4 of those talks, I stopped talking, since it really became old, and we've already have said it all.

I have not taken the talk as far as suggesting an open relationship, because I think I lost this opportunity after the year of Skyping. Since that year seemed to go ok for me, she thinks it should definitely be fine now. If I could do it a year without having a girl on the side, why would I need one now - is her argument. Also, its hard not to be a jerk with this, since she left everything to move to a different country with me

My plan now is to get my own life in order, as I realize how I lost that edge, that energy, that I had when I met her and that what made her become attracted to me in the first place. I want to see if that fixes it, if not, Ill talk to her like you suggested.

Man, relationships are a whole different game with a completely different challenges!