You seem to realize that you are abusive, ranking your incidents with a 3 and admitting your past abusive behavior. So let me ask you. . . is 'abuse' at any level acceptable to you? Do you find it rewarding to be in a abusive relationship?

You wrote a whole bunch of things to explain your anger: pants, who buys the house, who's the leader/boss, who raises your kids, vacation destination, $10 movie, $1,000 ticket, etc . . . You've imagined many possibilities except you failed to mention YOURSELF. In fact, you quite angrily pushed back on two members who suggested that maybe it's just YOU. This isn't uncommon. . . I mean, who wants to admit that they're the bad guy? Who wants to admit fault for anything negative?

If you've ever seen police questioning of abusers, you'll find similar responses. To the question, "Why did you punch your wife?" They'll mention their childhood, burnt toast, bent fender, messy kitchen, noisy kid, problems with work . . . but they never just say, "Well, I'm just an angry twat." ... because in reality, it comes down to this: Many people have issues with $10 dollar tickets, $1,000 dollar plane tickets, holidays to Hawaii/Hong Kong, work, messy kitchen, girls being agreeable, unmanageable, crazy, etc . . . but many don't punch women or feel the need to punish or abuse them. So what exactly is the difference between those who abuse and those who do not?

kasabi,

I've seen you post on other threads. I know that if you aren't the best member on this forum, you are easily in the top 5 hands down. So if I enlisted your help, it's to hear your point of view on things. I will take anything you say with serious consideration. Same thing if it was other great posters like puaninja, Dice, Heywood_Jablowme, or Unit. However, I'm not quite sure where you're going with this alleged anger management issue of mine. Let me give you some more insight.

First off, the circle of abuse does not apply to this relationship at all. There is no circle of abuse. And as far as I know, there is no abuse in this relationship. If there is, I'm on the receiving end of it more than anything. Why do I say that? Well, twice she preemptively dumped me, and she saw how upset I got. If anything, she's the one who has a handle on my feelings. And from personal experience as well as from observing other couples, whoever has the handle on the other's feelings is the one with the power, as well as the ability to abuse. Now if you have a different perspective on that, let me know... But let me give you some additional insight.

Earlier, I told you that the source of anger originates from the fact that I lost the pants in the relationship. I quickly devised a plan to take back the pants. Tonight, I went out with her with a heightened sense of commandment: "let's take this way;" "meet me at ___, I'm looking at ____"; etc. Already, this gave me more confidence. I instantly became more social than usual with strangers. I was happy and smiling naturally.

And the biggest piece of cake: she told me I'm going to an event. I asked her "why? I haven't been invited." She told me that I had no choice but to go. I corrected her and told her I have the freedom to decide whether I want to go or not. Again, she insisted that I had no choice. I warned her that if she thinks I have no choice, that I simply won't go. She warned me if I don't go, that she'll break up with me. This entire conversation was in good humour, and not serious. But underneath it all, it's a battle for the driver's seat. In the end, I half-jokingly said that I wouldn't go. She jokingly said she's breaking up with me. I said "okay" with a big grin as I shrugged my shoulders.

Immediate results: after I left, she texted me that she loved me, and to call her when I get home (it had been perhaps 2 months since she asked me to call her). As for me, I left satisfied and feeling large and in charge. Will I go to her event? Probably, but I won't confirm my attendance until she acknowledges I have a choice. And if it comes down to it, I simply won't go to send a message. So, not only do I feel more confident, but also did her attraction for me increase.

And to go back to the point I was making -- what kind of man wouldn't want to partake in the decision making process of a $3000 trip? Of buying a house? Of the way to raise his own kids? Would you not be upset if you had no say in such things? Would you not be angry? I would. But I would not be upset at all if she decided on the $10 movie we would be seeing. In fact, I deliberately gave her the freedom to choose such things to make her happy. However, in so doing, I unconsciously gave her the captain's hat, and she figured if she can get away with choosing which $10 movie we would see, that she could also progressively get away with more important decisions.

So, I'm somewhat puzzled as to why you insist on saying there is abuse. Perhaps this post cleared it up. Or perhaps I'm still missing the point you're trying to make. If so, please enlighten me. As far as the other members on this thread are concerned, well no offence to them but I'll take anything they say with a grain of salt. But I'm sure I'd have a beer or two with them if I knew them in person.

_________________
Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.

I'm assuming you're bashing krular here as I have never seen that thread. Regardless, do you seriously not only "roll your eyes" at opinions you disagree with on here, but you also remember who posts what? It aint that serious dude.

Regardless, you're a guy who a girl has tried to break up with twice in 3 months, gets told what things he's going to, and is butthurt when his gf doesn't invite him on trips. You're whipped and angry and trying to get the pants back after only 3 months! Obviously what can you say you know about relationships if this is the stuff you're facing. I know enough and have enough self respect that if a girl tries to leave me in 3 months, her loss and never be upset over that. I know enough to be able to chill out when a girl wants to go on a trip with her friends. My gf would never even joke about telling me what to do and then joke about breaking up. And no, that's not because I think about how to hold power over her and punish her; it's because I'm a catch and she has respect for me.

Even most virgins and AFCs don't get into the situation you're in or stress about the things you focus on but I guess you know you're shit and can bash advice like that. Every action and thought you've posted here has screamed beta trying to act tough. Tell me you know your shit when you gotta go to stuff at your gf's whim or she'll dump you. Puleease. Your shit is f'd up 3 months in, either due to your own issues or your lack of self respect for not dumping a chick who dumps you. How can you give advice to other guys with this resume? You're a crackhead trying to tell people how to quit smoking

LOL

_________________
Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.

I'm not sure either. . .

I suppose I could have suggested samples of witty replies but I don't think you lack wit. You can piece together language . . . and you don't seem to lack volume. So your fumbling of interactions with your girl that lead to miscommunication and negative emotions stem from something else.

Your issue = Anger. . . which leads to abuse. . . which leads to guilt. . . which leads to self doubt and low self esteem . . . which leads to anger . . . but here's the problem with people who are angry and abusive. See that little part about self doubt and low self esteem? . . . Because this is a part of the cycle, angry folks often occupy themselves with thoughts of power and leadership. They cannot be told that they are wrong . . . or labeled anything negative. This is the reason for my long winded stories and questions. If I just told you that you're an angry twit, you'd have responded to my posts just as you did with others who simply called you out for what you are. You fire up your 'fight or flight' responses and get your fingers moving. (This is the definition of an angry man) You have been demonstrating to everybody here your usual communication tendencies in the face of conflict. Instead of data going to your cortex and analyzing how to best utilize it for a desirable end, you blow up and "fight or flight".

The point of my long winded stories and questions was for you to realize ^this for yourself. If others label you ANGRY and ABUSIVE, you get more angry and are abusive back to them. My hope was that if you figure out that you are angry and abusive, then this acceptance might lead to a realization that will hopefully lead to compliance for taking steps for improvement. In the face of conflict, you've raised your shield, justified your actions, and attacked back at others but when asked to explain yourself, you already admitted that there is anger and that there is abuse.

*Hey, everybody is happy when things are happy. It takes negative stimulus draw out and trigger angry people.
Many guys in this forum have had experience with being bullied. What they don't seem to realize is that the only difference between the bully and the bullied is a bigger body, larger army, and or larger voice. That's all. Both lack a sense of social awareness. There are plenty of people who simply do not live in the realm of abusing or being abused. . . but but you find yourself on one side of it or another because in terms of brain function and emotional vices, there is no difference between the two.
No. The source of the anger is YOU and that's it. The whole pants thing is a ridiculous dissonance reduction. The same situation could have occurred to many others and believe me, no 'pants, panties, or socks' will cross their mind.


Yes . . . from a woman. . . and what type of people are preoccupied with gaining power over a woman?
So perhaps I will offer a witty response:

"OK" - if you want to go and you can.
"Oh sorry. . . I have _____ on that night." - If you don't want to go and cannot.

This wind up you create just so you can pounce on her and illicit all these emotions is draining the life out of you. You seem to think you 'won' some battle of 'fight or flight' but all you're doing is feeding and reinforcing your reptilian brain.
How about gaining confidence from elsewhere and then applying it to your relationship? And that's not attraction. It's just her own response to 'fight or flight'.
Take control of your life. Partake or don't partake. It's your choice. But to whine, complain, and throw a fit because a woman told you what you can or cannot do is the domain of an angry twit. Of the things your wrote above, only one is an actual issue. You actually IMAGINED up 2 other potential in the future scenarios to justify your behavior. . . and even if those events were real, it would still be the behavior of an angry twit.
You are what you do. So the moment an angry guy smiles, he becomes a happy guy. You have a habit. I asked if you like 'abusive relationships' (whether you give or take). And I'm asking if you like exercising your anger. . . if so, just keep going. It's your right to practice these things. If not, there are steps you can take to make corrections.

No disrespect intended, but I strongly doubt I have anger management issues. Do I have bursts of anger? Sure. But they are relatively inoffensive and muted. And they only ever involve girls. Some guy rear-ends me at a red light? Sure no problem, don't worry about it buddy. I get cut off in line? Rude but whatever dude. Point being that I'm not quite a monk yet not at all the Hulk.

Now, it's still plausible that my issue is in fact anger as you say. I will keep an open mind to that the next times I have bursts of anger, what caused this anger, and how/why I put myself in such situations. But the more I look back and analyze my own behaviour, the more I realize that it all involved a power struggle or a desire for her to submit to me. Otherwise, calling her an idiot because she picked the wrong item off a Wal-Mart shelf just isn't me. To me, this all seems like I have a natural tendency and desire to captain the ship, which I find perfectly acceptable. There are natural leaders, just as there are natural followers. I can hear you saying I'm in denial already. But my retort was merely for entertainment purposes keeping in mind that I was intoxicated when I wrote many of those replies. Now the first few of my replies certainly held some sort of anger -- and this wasn't meant to be directed at the members; it was rather because I was kicked off the ship and was clueless as to how to regain control of my situation. Well okay, but going back to the point I was trying to make... She seems certain I have no authority to reject her invitation -- as if she has full control over my schedule. To be clear, I'm not trying to take full control. If I really wanted full control, would I have consciously let her decide which $10 we would be seeing? Whose car we would be taking? Which way we would be going? I don't need to have control over those things. I may have to disagree. She may have been 'fight or flight' mode if she felt like our relationship was suddenly threatened. But I can guarantee you, that this never crossed her mind last night as we were both in good spirits. She saw a man being a man. Not a control freak. Not an abuser. Even in the extreme case this was 'fight or flight' then so be it -- I am prepared to lose her if she wants absolute control in the relationship. I can say that there is absolutely no need for me to get angry to regain control. If anything, I'm starting to see that anger is in fact a detriment to said objective. And when I regain control of a specific situation without anger, I feel at ease, like there isn't a bother in my life.

The other two imagined scenarios were merely a vision of my future should I choose the status quo of relinquished control -- not excuses for me to get angry.

_________________
Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.

I suppose I could have coddled you for a few more posts but I don't have that much patience and it doesn't look like you would have come around to reality any how. Good luck with your endeavors.

Well, apologies for being short sighted. I suppose I'll read over this thread when I get unjustly angry. Hopefully things will start to make more sense then.

_________________
Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.

I suggest you read it over when you are calm and in peace. You'll be better able to spot your own contradictions and defense mechanisms.
I mentioned earlier that EVERYBODY is happy when things are happy. It's when things are bad that angry people truly shine. What you wrote above is, "I do not have anger issues." . . . "Do I get angry, yes." And you've already shown us how your anger manifests itself into abusive situations.


This is not for the abuser to judge but for the abused. You seem pretty sure of 'abuse' when you are the abused.


Yes, that's the topic matter on hand. Look . . . Your posts in this thread oozes the Anger -abuse - emotional roller coaster - denial - guilt cycle. It's draining to read it. It's draining to respond to it. it's draining to support it. And we're just chatting anonymously on an internet forum. How do you think well adjusted, happy people respond to you in real life? You might be quick to think, "Oh, I get a long just fine." . . . This is an impossibility. For the only people that will be drawn to your cycles will be those who know the cycle . . . and get off on it. Personally, my mouth feels as if I got a squirt of battery acid in it when I engage in this topic whether it's verbal or written. . . because it's essentially trauma; threats, high volume arguments, coercion, etc . . . these emotional spikes traumatizes your cells. In fact, at the cellular level, your body doesn't differentiate emotional trauma from blunt force trauma or chemical trauma. The faster you can identify, accept, and take steps to correct this, the better it will be for you and those around you.

*Interestingly, those who are angry/abusive can find themselves ONLY in angry/abusive relationships. Those who exercise their cortex a bit more will find themselves with more pleasant company. But PUA's who exercise their cortex more can dip their dick in any sort of pussy that cross their paths. . . although over time, the older guys eventually get tired of the angry chicks, regardless of their outer beauty.

A woman going to Europe is like a man going to Thailand.

Would you feel comfortable bringing your girlfriend with you to Thailand when you made plans to go with your dude friends? Probably not - you're probably going while knowing that you're gonna get hit on by a bunch of Thai chicks left and right, planning on seeing one of them famous "ping pong" shows, and maybe even planning on cheating a shit ton.

What does Europe have? European men and a sexually liberal society. You're pretty much getting in the way of her sex tourism.

Is this the image Europe has in America?

It's not quite that hedonistic. But yeah, a lot of American students go on exchange programs in my local city, and they are in total slut mode over here.

As an European , I can tell you it's not THAT exaggerated. Well,maybe in Amsterdam.


Anyway , to the topic at hand.

As a European , if I had a 2 month vacation planned for the US , I'd only take my best couple of friends with me and that's about it. I would not - no matter how in love - take my - no matter how long LTR - with me.

There simply are some things that people want to do on their own or with their own friends. This doesn't mean they plan on cheating on you / don't love you / other random argument. It's just that the type of fun you can have with your partner is somewhat different from that you can have with your close friends. I'm not saying that one is better than the other , but as a general rule , if you want a complete carefree vacation , the close friends route is the absolute safe way to go.

Also,anything can go wrong with a 3month relationship on a 2 month vacation. Hypothetically speaking , say you brake up or have some huge fights or whatnot. No one wants to risk ruining a vacation like that.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

I don't believe that a girl going to Europe means she's coming back fucked. Come on, this isn't Cinemax. Sure, some girls will go away and be all slutty, but some girls just want to have fun with their friends. I had some hot female friends in college who would go Europe around spring break time. There was around 7 of them. 2 of them went slutty and hooked up with guys. The other 5 would just be going to have a vacation with no sex involved. Just saying that a vacation for girls isn't that black and white. Depends on FS's gf

So basically every girl who flies to Europe without gets f'd? Who is mass approaching in the streets like that? I'm assuming alot of good looking guys because girls wouldn't just drop their standards like that so much.
The math doesn;t add up. If girls were this easy when they go on vacation, they'd be easier for guys studying PUA. Because if the point is, that girls when they have no social consequences get fucked, then cold approaching solo sets should be easier than it is because girls don't have to tell their friends they met you. Cold approaching solo sets during the day provides a girl an oppurtunity for easy sex without her friends finding out. But read any day game stuff and it's flakes, bf objections and rejections.

I would like to argue with Tony's last post. But if I think about it it makes sense. But let's not generalize here. If OP your girlfriend is hot and goes to the southern part of Europe she will get hit on and men there are really know how to treat women. I know this because I'm from Europe.
Now it's another question whether she's gonna cheat or not. She will most likely enjoy the attention that's for sure but if she gets fucked it's completely up to the person and situation and no one on this forum can tell if it's gonna happen or not not even the OP.
So your best bet is to enjoy the time with your guy friends back at home and do stuff you had no time before (because of the relationship). And wish her a good holiday, and don't ever think about what might happen there.