Ok so before I met my wife she had an 8 month relationship with a guy before me. Between the time of me meeting her she was single for a few months, dated a few guys but nothing serious.

She moved to Europe and broke up with her ex before she moved. She told me that she liked him but was never in love with him. This made her move to Europe and easy decision.

While in Europe she met me, fell in love and we got married. Now I moved with her back to brazil so needless to say our relationship is pretty serious.

During her time in Europe initially she still had contact with her ex. He was beta and was very much in love with her. When she met me she stopped texting him back but he still texted her every couple of months. My wife says she has not responded to him in a year.

Now a month before we move to brazil this guy goes to my wife's sisters house and tells her sister that he loves my wife and that he will do everything to get her back because he's never felt love like that before...blablabla!

My wife tells me that she will meet her ex in order to tell him she is married and and that things will never happen between them. I say that I'm not comfortable with that. I say that a text message or phone call would do. My wife says that I'm too insensitive with that logic.

Fast forward 2 months...

Now we are in brazil a month and we just got our Internet and phones sorted. Only 4 people know our phone numbers and yesterday the ex texted my wife. Apparently my wife's sister just texted my wife's number to him...I've no idea why and my wife shouted at her sister saying "how would you like it if I have your ex bf your number?"

Personally I'm not comfortable with her meeting this guy. I explained this too my wife. She knows that my last two gfs cheated on me with their ex bfs. I said I'm fine with her meeting an ex but I'm not ok whith her meeting someone one on one who has openly expressed a sexual interest in her or declared his undying love...

Plus I'm not comfortable because its been a year of no contact and the guy knows she's now married! That shows he does not respect my marriage and he is a bit creepy. I personally find it creepy that after a year of no contact from my wife he still has oneitis for her?!

I explained all this too my wife yet she still says that she will meet him.

I'm very annoyed at this because of what happened in my past! Before I met my wife I promised myself that I would never be involved with someone who has ex bf issues. When I was dating I dumped so many girls because they said "my ex won't leave me alone". Any ex drama and I bailed fast!! Now I can't do that as I'm married.

My wife says that her meeting him will give him clousure and it will show me that she is loyal to me as it will prove to me that she's not like my ex gfs.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR DO?!?!?!

Am I being unreasonable? Weak? Insecure?

My gut instinct is to trust her but I don't trust him...




As a side note she said something that really got on my nerves! I asked can I meet him and she said "no because he is a karate world champion"!

This pissed me off and I said "Why what's he going to do? Kick my ass because I married you?"



I've told her that this drama MUST end soon or I will meet up with him and ask him to respect my marriage and leave us alone!


Tell me what you guys would do!!

I'm feeling insecure and afraid that history will repeat itself...

Hmm, i can't say i've been married or infact been in a real serious LTR, but i have had my relationships.
I'm not sure if i missread but i can't seem to see how long you've been together. How long have you been married/been in a LTR with her?
This all depends on how she tells you. If she says 'im still meeting him' and is very blunt about it and doesnt want to discuss, you need to lay down the law. No girl, married or not can tell you what she is going to do when together. You have to show her whats what, but don't literally go mad at her. I know it's hard because i presume you live with her but freeze her out in some sort of way, make plans outside and spend much less time with her. She should understand what you want due to your past and not tell you what she's doing.

Nevertheless, if it's in a soft tone, is discussed with her and she's genuinely asking you if she can go yet doing it in a slightly demanding way, just end it with the line of 'you do what you feels best' and leave it there. Say nothing more, this should play with her conscience and make her feel guilty.
You should of not reacted defensive here and brought up your marriage. Rather you should of acted cool with it, just played it off lightly, not defensive.

In the first place though, when she bought up meeting him, you should of acted like it was your idea to go and meet him. 'yeah, we can go grab a drink or something' etc.

Whatever you do, don't tell her she can't do it else she'll be more willing to do it. Take everything she says to do with him with ease and act unbothered about it. Causing arguments about this will only make the problem worse.

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I do know 1 thing though, bitches they come they go

Your gut instinct is correct -- "Trust" her. It could be your ego or your insecurity that is playing mind tricks.

Here's the deal, usually women don't give formal closure to a guy if she is the dumper and he's the dumpee. And while martial arts training is to train a person to be humble and confident (with little less ego), there are some people who take on martial arts to boost his or her ego if that person is a beta,thinking that might and force can impress girls. They won't and I think that's what your woman wants. With oriental martial arts, a face to face sit down is the honorary thing to do and I think you wife knows this. It's called saving face. Text and voice is not face to face, so to him and especially if he's beta, he'll just go at her with more fuller force! Then perhaps he might come out and beat you up because he can. Your wife is doing the right thing.
Rest assured that if this guy tries to force her into liking him, it just makes him look even worse. All you can tell your wife is to give you a call if trouble arises. You can then call the cops if things go out of hand. Don't be like Oscar Pistorius.

It's VERY DIFFICULT to date a girl with a clean slate, unless you're her first love. It's good that your wife is mature enough to face him for closure. Some women after they got married still text and talk on the phone with their exes and refuse to close. Those are the ones many people will tell you to avoid, because it'll just end up with a nasty divorce. Few of my friends been down that road. It's nasty and painful.

What can she tell him in person that she cannot over the phone?

Also, why is your wife mad at her sister if she doesn't do anything about it? "Damn you sister! Oh well, I guess I might as well meet him..." No, fuck that. If she was genuinely mad at the sister and didn't want this boost to her ego, she'd chew her sister out and have your number changed.

You and your wife know this guy's intentions and yet she is adamant about going. How do you think this will turn out, sport?

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

She says its just to give the guy clousure because she didn't treat him very well and she now feels responsible for his oneitis. She's convinced this will help him get over her and I'm convinced it will throw fuel on his emotional fire.

The main point is that this crosses a majour boundary of mine.

Last night we had an argument about it and I nearly left for a hotel. I literally don't even want to be around until its sorted. If I was back in Europe I'd freeze out hard but over here I can't do that.

Last night after the argument I found out that she had booked us a fancy restaurant and she had bought me a very expensive shirt to celebrate our 3 month wedding anniversary...Needless to say that I felt like an ass! However we did enjoy our night together.

Today though I still woke up with this shit heavy on my mind.

I'm fully convinced the guy will make a move on my wife. I'm also convinced that she will reject him! However I know that he will play the "can we be friends still? I'd still love to be able to text ect".

If my wife falls for that then I think ill pack my bags!

She knows my boundaries about ex's! I give her no drama and I expect the same in return. I told her before that a marriage is no place for ex's especially one on one meetings!

If they are still in contact after the meeting then I'm gone.

I understand you on the bold part, I don't really get this situation I feel like your wife defintely has some kind of emotional attachment to this guy, the thing that she can't do this over the phone is complete bullshit. My current gf dropped all contact with her exes after we made it official and didn't even look back so I suspect your WIFE should be able to do the same thing IF she didn't have some emotional attachment to this guy

Maybe she is going overboard on being nice. Your ex hang ups are your hangups and shouldnt dictate your partner's actions for someone else's mistakes. For example, I'd hate if my gf told me I couldn't have female friends because her bf's cheated on her in the past. If you trust me, you trust me. If you haven't gotten over your issues with trust, then you shouldnt have gotten married.

You're problem is easy. If you trust your wife, then you should be able to trust her motives even if you think she is misguided. If you don't trust HIM, why does it matter. If he wants to make a move, let him. It's not like a guy can whip is dick out and start fucking her when they meet.

No good can come from her meeting him. She says this will bring him closure. It will not, but here's the thing: who cares if he has closure or not?

That's on him as a man. No one can grant him closure, just like no one else can eat for him or work out for him.

It's unfortunate your wife knows how this makes you feel and does it anyway.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

EXACTLY

Missed this. Yeah, this trumps everything. Trust and cheating exs are irrelevant. She shouldnt be doing something that she knows is gonna make you feel uncomfortable.

How old are you and how long have you been married btw

EXACTLY

If this is your breaking point. Then why are you arguing about it. There is no arguing, you should have done looked her in the eyes and told her "Him or me". Packed your bags and had them ready to go if she choose to meet him. This is total disrepect to you. The only things you have done wrong he is let it tear you up inside, let it anger you, and argued with your wife about it.

You are a man, you can move on if you have to.

You only marry a person AFTER you trusted her not before. You're like the many millions of consumers out there. You saw a sale on Best Buy and just bought it on impulse without any research. Then you realized what you did, went on google and checked on the reviews. Many bad reviews. You go back to Best Buy to return it for your money back.

If you trust your wife, let her do her deeds. Trust is a very integral part of marriage. Without it, don't waste your time in marriage. You're obviously not ready for marriage. It shows in the level of your immaturity. If you have a sense of maturity, you have said to her that in marriage I shall not see anymore of your ex or any other lurking boyfriends texting you and if I caught you doing this, it's ground for divorce! Make that a firm commitment. I do this with my girlfriends after we sealed the deal and I dumped women because of this. I have to preserve my dignity and manliness. That's all you have to do. She understands.
Besides, why would the ex lay a finger on her? It would confirm to her that he's more a looser.
The reason why she didn't want you to be around with her and the ex is that, she probably know you completely lacked self-control. You have anger and jealously issues just by reading the incident with your wife. Wife was right all along. You are in no position to do this. Wife got 2 low-self esteem and lack of self-control guys under her control. You just happen to be the better of the bunch. Make no mistake though, because after this, you will become what her ex would if you continue on your quest for rejection.

Cheers.

Ok this is now resolved. She didn't meet him as I told her it crossed a boundary of mine that is potentially damaging for our relationship. She wasn't happy but she did agree and sort of apologised the next day.

She said that she put up resistance towards my viewpoint for a few reasons...

1-She was once in a controlling relationship where the guy refused to let her meet her friends. She didn't want to feel controlled.

2-She treated this guy like crap at the end of the relationship because he was beta.

3-She felt that she was just trying to be a good person.



She didn't meet him but gave him clousure over the phone. I heard the convo and it was short and direct. She promised that now there is clousure she will not contact him again as she agrees that a relationship is no place for ex's.


Now for the guys saying that I didn't set boundaries before I married her...Well your wrong! The reason I was so annoyed was because I DID set firm boundaries at the start that she agreed to.

I didn't want this in person meeting to turn into one of those times the guy says "can't we be friends and text and call each other still? I'd really like that " bla bla bal emotional bollocks hidden as a friendship.



We are married just 2 months.

I do have some remaining trust issues from a past relationship but I fell in love and we had to make a decision about getting married quick before her visa ran out. We both had to jump in early. It was one of those moments where I say no (because of my trust issues) and wonder what might of been or I grab the bull by the horns! Give the relationship a go and see what happens.

Plus we didn't get married so as she could stay in my country. I went to her country where her parents are vastly more wealthy than mine. I married her with nothing and she married me with a large property portfolio in her name! We signed a contract where we split everything 50/50 so I'm entitled to half of her property portfolio. The risk was hers not mine.

However if the worst did happen I'd just take what I paid for. I'd never demand her properties as only an evil prick would do that! I pride myself on my morals.

I'm only posting to make the vote more unanimous.

You voiced how you feel about this without being a dick, without being insecure, etc.

Personally, I'd tell her she can meet him to give her closure, and I'll go along too. That should give COMPLETE closure to him, especially since you'll be very cool and calm and understanding knowing that this guy is having a hard time accepting that your wife does not love him and that you'll help him get over it in any way you can.......

Bottom line, you've said how she feels about it. If she goes knowing how you feel, then she is putting HIS feelings in front of yours, which makes no sense if she is married to you, and that would be signal to me that it's time for me to get out. I wouldn't threaten her at all, I'd just tell her how I feel about it, and if she goes anyways, I'd be gone before she came back. The only way I'd not do this is if she actually could provide me with some good reasons why her plan is better than yours.

You're in the right man, good luck.

That's gay. My post landed after GTDave's last one.

Hahaha, very gay indeed!!

She did give convincing points and she worded them better than me.

A big part of me thinks that the argument was more about control in the marriage. She likes to be in control and is an alpha female. She didn't like me standing up to her!

If I find out they are still in contact then ill rethink the relationship