I know this is the wrong section for this kind of post , but it's important. I only wish I found this post before.
Quote:
Have you ever met this woman?
Dana is an extremely pretty 23-year old young lady. A delight on the surface, she has an uncanny knack of presenting herself extremely well to the target audience she wants to impress. She has a corresponding almost magical ability to make people feel verrrry good. She can WOW you! You'll be panting and there just isn't anything you wouldn't do to please her. She will continue to reward your good behavior as long as she needs you. After all, it is very hard work to be "on" so much of the time.
If she's accomplished her mission and you are no longer useful, she spends less and less energy being perfectly charming and engaging. In most cases Dana has no real desire to be disrespectful, but as she "relaxes," becoming more "herself," she becomes quiet or mildly disrespectful.
The problem is that the only person Dana cares about is Dana. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, etc. While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. Most buy in to her charm and don't notice. She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."
Most men vie for her attention.
Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no real friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends".
She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!
Dana believes she has the prettiest face, the nicest hair, and the best figure - which she flaunts with her form-fitting, sexy, and hip wardrobe. She is always well-dressed, even when lounging around. "Studied cool" describes her style. While giving the impression of having thrown together any old top and pair of jeans, the trained eye can discern the hours and hours spent trying the outfits on, making up to appear not made up, etc.
Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood. Boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims. This is subtle. For example, one day she walked into her compulsively clean mother's house and saw a leaf on the sparkling floor by her feet. Instead of picking it up, she asked, "What's that?" Her mother, almost on cue, dropped what she was doing to pick up the leaf by her daughter's feet.
Even though beautiful and seemingly charming, Dana is a compulsive liar who needs to mislead to maintain her unblemished facade. This young woman really wants to do the right thing. While she derives a measure of immediate satisfaction from her cruelty, when forced to face her behavior, she is not happy she mistreats others. After all, a misbehavior is not in keeping with her perfect image of herself! When reality occasionally hits her and she is confronted with her condescending acts, she becomes upset with herself, often in tears. For a short time. Soon all is forgotten. Time heals or she takes solace in blaming others. When she presents her selectively-presented view, it sounds compelling. Until one realizes nothing ever seems to be her issue. Someone or something else is to blame - or the entire topic is dropped. No matter how much she has vowed to correct these behaviors, she does not.
She actually cannot because she chooses not to face the truth about herself. She cannot face that her nature is in fact dark and very imperfect. She cannot face that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else. Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many deficits?
She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out how to be as special as she is. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does not feel good.
If deception and pretense have provided a lifetime of comforts and esteem supplies, why mess things up? Isn't it more satisfying to concern herself with gratification in the moment? Why work when you can instead do just enough to get by? Better to spend that energy cultivating one's external assets and targets. These yield immediate rewards.
After all, the only thing she compromises is herSelf, her integrity, her relationships. All the things she has never known or understood, but thinks she knows well.
With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthyness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.
To feel whole, a woman like Dana needs to be the center of attention, be the prettiest, the most fortunate, the most talented, the bestest. She cultivates others who will be manipulated by her to admire her, adore her, inflate her, love her, and overlook her pretense, lies and half-truths.
If she is questioned, she distances. This simple yet effective technique invariably affects the codependents in her life. On cue, they lay low and let the issue drop or chase her, thinking they must have done something wrong/ worrying that she won't want to be with them. Should an admirer truly believe in her specialness and try too hard to win her, they are treated with contempt instead of charity. These people represent that which she despises: only the weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned.
The bottom line is that this very beautiful, very charming (and extremely manipulative) young woman has absolutely no concern for others apart from those who are in a position to provide her with narcissistic supplies.
Does anybody know a Dana? Even worse, have any men out there fallen in love with a Diana? (May God help you...)
This is my experience with my own Dana:
I just ended my 3 year LTR with Dana one month ago. I cannot believe how every single word of this topic fits my ex PERFECTLY. Like a god damn glove.
Saddest part of all is that I always saw it. Every single aspect explained in the OP , I saw it. I saw what was hiding beyond the beautiful face with big puppy eyes.I saw my own destruction. Ultimately , I had not acted on it. I deluded myself in false hope.
Dana would cry and beg for forgiveness when forced to look at the havoc her ways wrecked upon me.
"You're so right ThisIsMyName. I'm terrible , I'm so sorry,I don't deserve you. I will change ,I promise you."
This is her most powerful weapon. The sincerity in her voice was beyond doubt. She truly was sorry. For a brief moment of time , the demon within her would lose it's grasp of Dana and the actual human would come to light.
Regardless,all is soon forgotten. The next day the human dies again only to be briefly resurrected later on,when history repeats itself.The demon,however,he only becomes ever more powerful.
I am truly shocked by the truth of this topic. It's so dazzling to read the OP as I feel even I couldn't have written it better,although I lived every moment of it. I only wish I'd have found it sooner.I never understood how something so beautiful can be so foul.
"How could such a wonderful display of life and beauty be so rotten inside ? I might be wrong,I surely am. But I'm almost always right...I should end this before it ends me.I have to trust myself. I always do.
*sees her in tears of pain and regret*
No...no , I'm wrong. I must be wrong.She truly is sorry. She's in pain , it must be sincere.I will allow another chance."
Dana is nothing short of a living paradox.
All she displays is all she wants to be. She wants to be good ,kind and loving.
That's why Dana will brake down in tears when she sees the emotional pain she causes you. She regrets it deeply.But she doesn't regret her action,no,she just regrets your pain. She will find excuses , some of them ridiculously exaggerated. You see right through them.Everyone does.But she won't. Any excuse , no matter how paper thin is good enough for her because she believes it with utter conviction. Anything but accept that she made a mistake. A mistake = imperfection. No matter how much she loves you,no matter how much she cares for you...nothing is stronger than her fear of imperfection.
And again,no matter what you do ,how much you love her , you can even put her life above that of yourself , your parents , friends and brothers , she will NEVER love you more than she loves herself. She wishes it , sometimes pretends she does , but ultimately,does not.
Dana is a vicious addiction. Beware of her.When times are good you will be blissfully happy with her. She'll share your love and cherish it. But once she hurts you , expect nothing more than even more pain. She will not be there for you , she will be there against you. You will carry your own self through the hurricane and she'll only be there to push you back constantly throwing obstacles in your way.
Your relationship with her will be a non-stop roller-coaster of emotional ups and downs. Few can withstand it. And those that do rarely end up in one piece when it's over.
That's the only constant. Sooner or later ,it will be over. And when it does , you'll be shattered and spend months to pick up the scattered pieces while she'll be basking in the attention of her new boyfriend.
Like I said,few can withstand the ride. Those that do are always gonna be remembered by Dana. After she's done with you she'll leap in a world of would-be challengers. Rarely will she find another strong enough to complete the course. And even if she does , chances are you're still the alltime champion.
As time passes ,she will be more and more disgusted with the unworthy that throw themselves at her.
Years will pass and she'll call out to you. For her,you have been the best. But you are now enlightened. You will not make the same mistake twice.
And so the paradox ends. Dana will always regret letting the man strong (or stupid,depends) enough to resist her demon go. She will probably end up leading a miserable life with a man she feels disgusted to call husband while you'll be drinking your cocktail on a beach ,somewhere in Hawaii , enjoying the beautiful life of the PUA.
Take this post to heart. Don't fall in the same pit as I and many others did. If you feel you're dating Dana,DUMP HER NOW. Yes,it might hurt and at times you'll feel like you made a mistake. You'll cry and sob. But trust me , it's NOTHING compared to the pain you'll feel later on.
CHAT