Here's the back story:

Jan 2011 - We first get together.

The relationship is great for the next 1.5 years or so. Our dynamic is pretty good, I see her around 2-3 days a week, sleep at her house once or twice of those times. Neither of us is really needy, or displays jealousy at all. She messages me every day and is always super happy to see me when I decide to come visit. We have sex a lot. Warning signs started to appear a few months ago:

Oct 2012 - She starts telling me not to meet up, cause she 'doesn't feel like it', for the first time. I (stupidly) started being more needy at this stage, wanting to meet up more and stuff to make sure things are okay. We still meet about once a week after this and I usually sleep over.

Dec 2012 - After an argument where she tells me that I'm not giving her enough space, I decide to back off. We don't speak at all for a whole week. After that we start talking again, and she randomly switches between missing me and then being distant.

Jan 1 2013 - I ask her what's been wrong and why she's always wanting space, at first she won't tell me. I really push for her to tell me and she says "I want to break up." At first I tried to talk her out of it, saying we should instead work on things, but after seeing that she wouldn't back down, I agree with her that it's for the best. Her reason for it was simply that "I've lost romantic interest in you"

I do a no contact thing for a week

Jan 8 - I start talking to her online, the first thing she says is "wanna go on a date?" We agree to go on the date, I ask what she wants to do, and she explains the exact same date that I suggested we go on in our break up discussion-- so, a couple of days later, we go on the date. It goes well, she comes back to my house later and we have sex, etc. Things feel exactly like they did before we broke up

Over the next month and a bit, up until now, we go on a couple more dates and see each other at parties and stuff. The only time we ever talk about our status is on the second date, where I ask "so where are we?" and she says I dunno for a while, eventually saying "let's try our relationship again". I ask her what went wrong last time and she doesn't really have an answer, just the same stuff about needing space and losing interest. However, she sometimes refers to herself as my girlfriend, so it's kind of clear that's where we're at.

However, there are quite a few problems right now. Whenever I try to plan something with her, she is usually not interested. She either has an excuse, or sometimes even just says she can't be bothered. She never really plans anything herself, the only times we do anything are when I plan it and she can actually be bothered (not often). Usually when I ask her about meeting up, she just straight up leaves and goes offline... and doesn't reply for 30 mins or so. As for talking online, most of the time, if I start a conversation, she'll give me short replies and not really seem like talking. However, she starts conversations pretty often with me, telling me some random thing about her day. In those convos she is usually more talkative

She's also avoiding doing intimate things like saying "I love you", or cuddling and such...

The times I do see her are pretty good. She usually acts interested in me, and we usually have sex and what-not. She doesn't seem quite as happy to see me as she was pre-breakup, but it seems to be okay.

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Anyway, that pretty much brings us to the present day. I haven't shown her this or talked to her about it at all, but I am quite worried about things, I'm really worried that she's going to lose interest in me again and break it off (although I admit I have been a bit needy by asking her to meet up a lot). I just want our relationship to go back to the way that it was pre-breakup, but I'm having trouble getting it to go that way. My strategy so far has been to keep showing her good times and make things enjoyable between us, and that goes okay... but then she quickly changes back to being distant. What am I supposed to do to fix things?

Stop chasing, stop pushing for a meet up. She said already that she feels she needs space, and you're encroaching on it even further.

Continuing the way you are will bring the relationship to a second, more permanent end. Game other girls, find some new hobbies and stuff and get off her back a little. I know it's really hard to do, all you wanna do is contact her and see her and for things to be back the way they were. Just leave it alone, do your own thing and wait for her to come to you is your best bet I reckon.

I agree with this. You definitely need to stop chasing or she will be gone for good soon. Game other girls, wait for her to push for a meet up. Soft next her for sure, and next few times she messages you online, makeup and excuse to why you cant talk right and have to get offline, like "having earnings to run", distanting yourself from her on the online chat. No chats online at all, will force her hand to want a meet up also.

I see. Thanks for the advice. I have a few questions.

I would normally be appearing online on FB a lot during the evenings and such, is it better to just appear offline to her (to seem busy or something)? Or would it be more effective to appear online and wait for her to start a convo, so I can next her better?

Say she starts a conversation with me, do I just ignore it, or do I reply and tell her I can't talk because blah blah. If I ignore it, for how long? She's used to me replying whenever, so I think she'll definitely notice a change here.

I'll be seeing her at a party in 2 days, how should I act here, and should I get her to come to my house after the party?

If you get on FB and you see that she is online or you catch her coming online. I would i would change status to appear offline to her. If you dont catch her being online and she happens to send you a message, then you can reply with im busy and need to get off here blah blah.

As for the party, I wouldnt ask her back to my house. She asked for space and that is what you should give exactly what she asked for, even if she back tracks and meantions something bout going back to your place. Dont totally ignore her, acknowledge her whenever you pass each other at the party. But enter act with others at the party and dont let her catch you staring in her direction. Need to show that the space is not affecting you and that you are fine without her.

Okay, sure. The thing with parties is that we by default assume that one of us is going to the others house afterwards. But in this case, I'll be like "I'm busy tomorrow so I'm just going to go home myself". And yeah I'll try and put my focus on other people

Something I just remembered is that during our break up discussion, she mentioned that she had been trying to get me to break up for a while. This means that all that never wanting to see me stuff, acting distant and annoying, in December... all of that was on purpose to get me to break it off. Could she be doing the same thing again, and does that mean I should do anything in particular? Or do I just keep nexting her and such until she starts to show more attraction?

She just posted on her semi-private twitter "no company can stand to be with me". Not sure if that's related to me ignoring her message from earlier today or not. Btw, she has become very closed off to people in the last 6 months. I don't think she really has any friends that she would talk about this kind of stuff with anymore, so it's unlikely that she is sharing her feelings with anyone.

How is this the space she was asking for? If she is assuming this and you blow it off this week at the party, it will probably infuriate her as to what is going on not realizing you are giving her exactly what she asked for.
This is in response to you distanting her, her feeble attempt to get a response/rise our of you. Ignore it.


Could you Nexting her til she is chasing you and you are getting the attraction from her that you desire.

Alright, sounds like that is my best bet.

How should I act when we do see each other alone? I'm guessing that I should only show as much intimacy as she does, or even less. Should I initiate sex, or wait for her to initiate? So far I have been initiating, and she is happy to do it most of the time and really enjoys it, but she has shut me down a couple of times (very unusual, never happened pre-breakup). So I guess I should wait for her to initiate from now on?

The problem is that, by default, she is not the type to initiate anything. Even back when the relationship was great, and *she* was the needy one, it was still me initiating the most meet ups, and the most sex, etc. The difference was that she used to be really happy when I'd randomly say I'd visit, rather than resisting it. But yeah even when her attraction is at its greatest, she's not the type to initiate, which makes things a bit more difficult

Remember gaming a woman and relationship is a little different. If you were gaming i would say initiate, but since you do want her back and want the relationship. You still have to build up her chasing you, remember dont put more into the relationship than she is willing to put in. Right now you need her to initiate, it is hard but you must resist from initiating. You have to make her want you so bad that she will initiate. I dont think you should let her initiate forever but for now you want her to chase you. If you do get back into full relationship status, you already know you will want to initiate from time to time just to let her know she is wanted. Everyone wants to feel wanted, that is why you want her to chase you right now so you can feel wanted again.

There is several posts on this site bout Framing, by default you built this frame of you initiating most most ups, and the most sex, etc. If you get her to chase you more and initiate more, you will change this framing.

I see. Thanks, hopefully if I start nexting her and stop initiating, I can build up her chasing me.

Just a question about how drastic these nexts should be-- for example, if she messages me one day while I'm offline, so I ignore it. Let's say a few hours later, I read it (so it gets marked as read), but since she's no longer online, I don't reply. Should I then reply in the morning? Or just not at all? She's used to me replying to everything within a couple of hours, so it's going to seem quite drastic if I don't reply to things at all. Is that what we want?

Its a judgement call on your part. If it were me, i definitely wouldnt reply write away even if it is marked as read. I would reply later than I normally would make it appear that I was to busy to reply right away, but reply just to acknowledge her.

I waited 24 hours and then just continued to ignore her message, but said something interesting about my day to her (this is what she does to me, she won't reply to my things, and then later on will start her own conversation). However the difference is that I go along with her conversations, or rather, used to until your advice... where she has just completely ignored my message, read it and everything, been online and off for hours since. Just ignored. It's something that would be really interesting to her, also. If we weren't going through this shit then she'd love me to send her a message like this (telling her about the music festival I went to today, she loves music). Things aren't looking good...

We still have that party tomorrow night

Also I noticed that she reblogged a quote on Tumblr, "someone fall in love with me i am bored". It kind of seems like she's treating me as a "better than nothing" kind of thing?? How are you supposed to turn that around? Do I need to do something more drastic?

Its not going to turn around in 24 hours. Continue through the weekend, go through with the party as planned. See would it looks like on monday and tuesday. This isnt something that can be rushed. I know taking the time sucks.

What if she's already planning to break up though... like, what if this way she's acting is her trying to get me to break up again. Do you think I should do something drastic just in case? Eg. I could tell her that she's being completely boring, never holding conversations or wanting to go out-- I feel like the relationship isn't working, I need some time apart to think about it. Or is this too risky?

I think your jumping to conclusions a little bit. But if she has it in her mind that she wants to break up then, you cant change that right now. Do nothing drastic, be calm and except whatever comes of it, act as though breaking up does not effect you in any way. You will have to hope that she will come to realize that breaking up was or is wrong that she wants you in her life. If you do something drastic, it will only help her confirm that she is making the right decision by breaking up with you.