I’m a couple of days behind here..

Friday

A rather uneventful day at the school. I took a later bus just in time to get to my class. After it was over, I had a bit over an hour to grab some lunch then I caught the bus out of there and went to the gym. I had a little bit of time to walk around while I was waiting for the bus, but like Thursday, I still wasn’t feeling it.

Saturday – went to see OnlineAsian

Well, I finally ended up going down to see OnlineAsian. She lives downtown, so I knew going in that not much was going to go on. We just had a fairly standard low-key first date/meet. It was really warm out, so we just walked around downtown a bit, and went and had a tea and talked for awhile. After that we stopped in at this little Asian restaurant and grabbed a bite to eat. And after we were done that we drove around a bit, then I dropped her off back at home.

She lives with her Mom, so she can’t have anyone back to her place, but we kissed and made out a bit in the car before I dropped her off. Either next time or the time after that I’ll try to arrange things so that we come back to my area and then hopefully stop in at my place. We’ve talked about sex already so I don’t foresee any resistance or issues with that.

We had a good time though, and we seemed to get along well. She has a really pretty face, nice tits, but if I had to be a little picky, she’s not quite as thin as I usually like. But we’ll see what happens, but because of the distance, it’s unlikely that I’ll be seeing her until next weekend.

General Thoughts

I’m starting to feel a bit better and alive again! I was feeling ‘off’ for a good part of this week, but now my sleeping is getting back on track, I’ve been to the gym, I'm eating better, and my head is definitely feeling much clearer than it was earlier this week. It just feels like I’m getting my shit back together and establishing a better overall routine and mindset.

I’m going to make much more of an effort this week at school, and I’ve done a fair bit of thinking about things over this weekend trying to motivate myself to get out of this little slump that I’ve been in.

After doing some thinking on my own combined with Daniel Balboa’s reply to me in his journal, I’m realizing that the change that I’m after will have to come from within. What I mean is that it will simply have to come by forming new habits. There won’t be any short cuts, no magic pills, or any special motivational one-liners that I can paste to my forehead so that I see it each time I look in the mirror. I just have to grab my sack, shit-can the excuses and just go out there and keep plugging away at it until I get the results that I’m after.

It’s true though, motivational quotes etc all are good, but their effectiveness does wear off over time. That line ‘someday there will be no tomorrow’ worked for me for awhile, and to a certain extent it still does, but it certainly doesn’t affect me like it did the first couple of days after I first heard it.

So the bottom line is that I just have to push myself. The path to success or any type of permanent change isn’t easy, and that goes for just about anything. Positive change and the rewards that come with it will just come from dedication, consistency, and hard work. And it will be up to me to have that self discipline and motivation to push myself, because there isn’t anyone doing this with me, I don’t have some coach shadowing me throughout my day, I just have myself and I need to man up and quit fucking around.

I did go through a bit of a rough period over the holidays and some bad habits reared their ugly heads, and I knew I wouldn't exactly bounce back immediately to where I was without a bit of pain. So I knew it was going to be a bit tough getting back into my overall routine that I was on before.

But anyways, it’s been a busy weekend for me with some work I have to do. And the rest of the day today (Sunday) will be spent working, so my next update will be Monday when I’m back in school.

Monday

A much better day today. I pulled my shit together and made four approaches. Nothing really came of them, but what felt good was to break out of that rut that I was in and get back out there.

The first girl that I talked to was in the morning at the start of my early class. I sat two seats away from her, and I made a comment to her about the class. It wasn’t much, but we went back and forth for a minute or two and then class started. Nothing to get too excited about, but hey, it’s a good way to start off the day.

The next one was a bit after class had ended. I saw a girl sitting on these long benches, and I sat beside her a few feet away. She was looking at her iPad, so I asked her a question about that. We talked about her iPad and general shit for a few minutes and I let things die out. I reinitiated conversation a minute or two later, but I didn’t sense much interest so I just let it fizzle out and left it alone.

The third girl I talked to was sitting on these couch seats in a different area of campus. I sat on the seat in front of her, and asked her something about classes. She said that she wasn’t registered as a student yet, and she was from the Ukraine and just arrived in Canada a few weeks ago. Her English was pretty broken, but we talked for about 5 minutes or so and then she mentioned that she came here with her husband! She looked quite young, I’d guess she was no more than 22-23, but I talked to her for a few minutes after that. What’s funny is that her husband was there too, and actually showed up a minute later! Lol It was no big deal, I said a few words to him and talked a little bit more, and that was about it for that one. It’s too bad, because she was pretty cute and definitely seemed into talking to me.

The last girl that I talked to is the one that I kinda dropped the ball on. This one was the hottest one that I talked to today. She looked to be mixed White/Asian, and was sitting down reading a textbook at these long tables that were all lined up together. I sat down across from her and one place to the left. I asked her something about the book that she was reading, and she lit up with a big smile. I fucked this one up because for whatever reason I let it die pretty much right away after she answered or commented on what I said about her book. I don’t know why I did that, because I couldn’t really have asked for a more positive reaction out of her. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyways, some dude sat right beside me a minute or two later, and not long after that she got up and left.

Then after that I caught the bus home and went to the gym.

I only have classes on some Tuesdays, but it’s looking like I have some work to do tomorrow, so I don’t think that I’ll be at the school. If I can get all my stuff done early, who knows, I may end up going there later on, but we’ll see.

But overall I was happy with how the day went. It felt good to get back out there and do a few approaches.

General Thoughts

The only thing that I'll say is that I can't just let conversations die out like I did with girl 4. If I make the decision to say something, I should just 'plow' on and continue, especially in a situation like that when I got a good reaction.

Tuesday

Nothing to report on for today. I didn't end up going to the school, and I wasn't anywhere today that I could do any approaches. I'll be at the school tomorrow, but I have to leave right after my last class as I have another dentist appointment. So I'll have an hour and a half or a bit more in between classes so I'll do my best to make something happen if the situation arises.

Wednesday

Well it was a pretty slow day today, but I did manage one approach.

This girl is in one of my classes, but I’ve never spoken to her before. I saw her waiting outside the class first thing in the morning, and I just walked up and said hi. I asked her about the class and how she likes it, and we just fluffed for a few minutes until it was time to go in. We stopped talking a moment or two before we walked in, and when we got in the door she went off in her own direction and that was about it. She was nice and friendly, but I don’t think that there’s anything there. We’ve made eye contact before, so I wasn’t sure if she was into me or not, but just the way that she walked off gave me the vibe that she wasn’t all that interested. Oh well.

But that was about it for the day. I was feeling pretty tired after class, and I did walk around a bit but there really weren’t any good opportunities that I could have had. There was one chick that I was going to sit down beside, but I saw her from a distance and she looked cute, but I could only see her upper body. As I got closer, I realized that her legs were pretty much as big as my waist, so I kept on going.

I had a dentist appointment right after my next class, so I took off right away. I stopped in at the grocery store on my way home, but I was just in and out in a few minutes so nothing going on there.

Thursday

It was a pretty good day at school today. I approached and got a number from this really hot Asian girl, but she’s really young though.

For some reason I woke up on my own extra early today so I ended up just getting up, having breakfast, and taking an early bus into the school. I had some reading etc to do, so I went in early to grab a tea and do my work.

The bus that I took wasn’t the express bus, so it made two stops on the way to the school. On the second stop, this hot chick gets on the bus and sits beside me. The problem with this was that it was about 7:30am and I was still feeling kind of beat and half asleep. Not to mention, the bus was packed and it was dead quiet. I just felt kind of awkward about striking up a conversation at that time, but I ended up making a comment to her once we were pretty much at the school. It was too little too late, so obviously nothing really came of that.

She had a really pretty face, and I didn’t realize just how nice she was until I got a better look at her as she got up and started to walk off the bus. She went in the opposite direction that I went once she got off so I didn’t have much of a chance. After I got off the bus, I was thinking to myself that I might even try to catch that same bus next Thursday to see if she’s there. I don’t know if I’ll end up doing that or not, as I’d have to wake up extra early for no reason, and I value my sleep a lot and don’t like to cut myself short. Who knows, we’ll see next Thursday if I even remember. It was one of those things that I kind of regretted not doing more after I woke up a bit and felt a bit more alive a little later on.

Asian girl

After my class I went to this building that has a cafeteria-like area with an open space that has several long tables in it. Some of them are lined up in a long row, and some are just standing by themselves with chairs all around.

I spot this really cute Asian girl sitting at the end of one of the tables, and there’s a space beside her but no chair. So I grabbed an empty chair from a table right beside that one, and I pulled it up beside her.

My opener was pretty ‘lame’, as I just asked her something about a different area to read/study in the building. She was very friendly and we talked about basic school stuff for the next few minutes. She was very cute too. She had a really pretty face, and was very quiet and soft-spoken. She’s nice and petite and quite thin, just what I like! The only thing that could have made her even better in my eyes was if she had longer hair. I also love long hair, especially straight hair. Her hair is probably four or five inches past her shoulders, so it’s not short by any means. But yeah, she was really cute though.

So we ended up talking for about 10 minutes or so, and then she started to pack up her stuff saying she had class and had to go. When I first talked to her, I was thinking she was about 20, but it turned out that it’s her first year at the school and she’s only 18! Well as she was packing up she was saying it was really nice to meet me, but I noticed that it seemed like she was kind of lingering a bit. I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said no. So I thought what the hell, and asked her if she wanted to get a tea or something another time when we were both free. So I got her number and sent her a text so she had mine.

The end part when I got her number wasn’t my smoothest game actually, as I felt really rushed to set that up as she had to leave and I didn’t want to keep her so that she was late. I didn’t come away from that thinking that it’s going to be too solid, because I only talked to her for no more than 10 minutes at the most. We’ll see what happens though. Either way, I’m just glad that I made the approach and gave it a shot.


General Thoughts

I wanted to comment on my ‘lame’ opener and why I sometimes like to use stuff like that. I like to open with things like that sometimes because, for me, it’s a ‘low risk’ way of gauging a girl’s reaction to talking to me. If she’s stuck up or just not into talking, then that sort of rejection is easy for me to deal with. Opening like that just allows me to ‘test the waters’ a bit before I transition away from my opener into regular talk.

Like I’ve mentioned before several times in this journal, I still have that fear of rejection, and for me it’s important to keep some positive momentum going and minimize shitty interactions as much as possible.

I’m not a big believer in openers anyways, and no matter what I open with, as long as the initial vibe is good, I’m transitioning away from that anyways into regular conversation.

Anyways, it was a good day today. I have to keep this going!

Friday

Well not too much to report on for today. I only had one class, and I walked around a bit after class, but there wasn’t too much going on. I don’t stop moving targets there, so I’m left with finding chicks that are sitting by themselves. When I don’t see any chicks around that I want to approach, I just walk around a bit and check out a few different areas where there are some seats where people just chill. If I don’t see much around, I usually just sit down somewhere myself and read for a bit. For obvious reasons, I don’t want to be seen always walking around passing by the same areas, so once I’ve done a lap or so and I don’t see anything, I’ll usually take a seat somewhere and just read or chill for a bit.

Fridays are usually pretty slow at the school anyways, so I caught the bus out of there and went to the gym.

The Asian girl that I got the number from yesterday responded to my text last night, so that’s a good sign so far. We talked about meeting up at school this coming week, and she was asking me what days that I’m there. So far so good.

But other than that, there isn’t a whole lot to say about today really.

General Thoughts

I’m really happy that I have my routine back on track now, and it feels good to have a good productive week behind me. I did fairly well for approaching this week, as I didn’t really let too much pass me by. I made a handful of approaches or so, and came away with a phone number so I really can’t complain.

Going forward though, I still want to keep pushing myself and try to approach even more. To get more approaches in, instead of stopping moving targets, I think that I should try to open more girls that are sitting down but have people very close by that could hear the conversation. Normally I’ll avoid opening in those types of circumstances, so if I started to do that I could definitely increase the amount of approaches that I regularly do.

Like I’ve said before, I think the one big hole that’s in my game right now is that I just don’t approach enough, and I still play things a bit too safe overall. And a lot of that stems from my reluctance to push myself out of my comfort zone. There is a lot of opportunity at my school, and if I just stepped up my approach game a bit there are many more chicks that I could be approaching that I let pass me by currently.

I’m still looking at going out for some night game, but it’s not looking like it’ll happen this weekend. I’ve been in touch with the young guy that I went out with a few times this summer, so it looks like I’ll be giving night game a shot within the next week or two for sure.

The one thing that I’ll hate about night game is that it will undoubtedly mess up my sleeping schedule. Normally I’m long asleep by the time 1am rolls around, if not 12. So if I stayed at the bar until last call at 2, and then drove home, it would be at least 3 if not later that I’d be getting home. It’s unfortunate that I’ll have to pay that price, but I guess that’s what I’ll have to do if I want to get out there and give myself another avenue for meeting chicks.

Nowadays I’m all about trying to live healthy and anti-aging. Lol, that just happens as the birthdays start to pile up! The four main areas that I try to take care of to keep myself young and healthy are physical activity, a healthy diet, plenty of rest, and a stress-free life (as much as possible).

I figure that I have the rest of my life to be old, to act old, and to look old, so I’m trying to hang onto my youth for as long as I possibly can. I’m not being delusional when I say this, but there’s nothing that I could do when I was 20 that I can’t do now. I don’t believe I’ve lost a step when it comes to speed, reflexes, athleticism or any other measure of ‘youth’. Just this spring I was training in muay thai and MMA and I’m training right alongside guys much younger than I am. And I can honestly say that there is no difference at all. You certainly wouldn’t pick me out of the lineup and say ‘that’s the old guy’ – no way.

I do try to dress young and look as young as I can, and the comments that I get confirm that. I suppose it helps that I’m always clean shaven too. I don’t mind a day or two scruff, but I don’t wear that to school just because I try to look as young as I can while I’m there. The last few people that I’ve asked how old do you think I am at school, I’ve had two people say 24 and one say 26. I think that part of it is just because I’m in the school environment and you just don’t expect someone to be ‘old’. Because maybe if those same people saw me at some random place like a gas station they may guess older, but still, I have to be doing something right. Anyways, I don’t know how I got off on that tangent! Lol …

But yeah, anyways, enough of that. It looks like I’ll be seeing OnlineAsian tomorrow, but I doubt much will go on unfortunately because I’ll be going down to her area to see her. But, we’ll see what happens..

This quote is taken from Daniel Balboa's journal. I started to reply to it, but my reply turned into a huge post that went off on a few tangents. So I thought I'd just post what I said here instead ....
I can relate to quite a bit of what you’ve said here...

Conflicting desires. I certainly know what you’re saying here. Since I’ve really focused on getting my act together I’ve realized more than ever how life can get in the way sometimes. Just doing simple things like going out for dinner and drinks, like most people wouldn’t even think twice about, can create conflict with trying to keep a proper diet and rest. It’s tough, because not everyone understands that, and it’s a challenge to find that balance sometimes that keeps everyone and everything happy. But like anything in life I suppose, the key is to find that healthy balance that satisfies those desires without compromising any one of them. It’s not healthy to be on either extreme of that spectrum, but finding that happy medium that works for you is the best that you’ll do.

I speak from experience, because I’ve spent time on either extreme at certain points in my life, and I know that it’s no good. But just being really health conscious and having fitness goals and such just makes you realize just how unhealthy and destructive the lives of many people are. And that’s why it’s not surprising to me at all that by the time 95% or more of people get to be my age, they’re worn out, beat down, spent, and pretty much a shadow of their former selves. That shit catches up with you. You can stay up all night and eat nails and wash it down with gasoline when you’re young, but if you don’t change that lifestyle, it’ll come back and smack you down, hard.

Opportunity cost. This is also something that I’ve experienced myself as well. I too gave up a really well-paying job to pursue some entrepreneurial goals that I had. That was many years ago, but I learned that in life, and this is probably stating the obvious, that every choice that you make no matter how simple has an opportunity cost associated with it. The opportunity cost of me going to the gym today is less relaxing time. And conversely, the opportunity cost of me spending that time relaxing instead is a missed workout and a neglect of my fitness goals. But what I’ve found with life in general is that you ultimately have to do what makes you happy. Everyone defines happiness in a different way. One man’s paradise is another’s hell. And sometimes when you take the road less travelled, it will present some unique challenges that you have to overcome. And when you do, you’ll be a better and wiser man because of it.

And if you value your time, your freedom, and all the experiences that you’ve had as a result of those choices that you’ve made, well nobody or nothing can ever take that away from you. I just think of all the things that I’ve done and experienced since I left my job, some of them great, some of them not so much. But all those things put together have made me into the person that I am, and in making those choices I’ve done things that most people will never do and seen and experienced things that most will never see. I think there is incredible value in that, because I certainly would never have done all the things that I have if I had stayed ‘trapped’ in an office 40hrs per week.

Sometimes going against the grain is tough, and there are moments where it seems like the future could be uncertain, but ultimately you have to do what makes you happy and make those choices that will bring you closer to where you want to be. And that road is not always straight or easy, sometimes it’s two steps forward and one back again. At one point I ended up moving back home for awhile, and then I changed up my plans and got on my feet again. But shit like that just happens sometimes, and you just have to roll with it. And if you get knocked down, you have to pick your ass up off the ground and come back swinging. That’s what makes and builds character, and even though I’ve had some bad moments in my life, I wouldn’t trade any of it because it’s made me into the person that I am and I’ve learned and grown from a lot of the stupid shit I’ve done before.

I’ve had awesome moments in my life that if you took a snapshot of that moment you’d think I was a rock star. And to balance that out, I’ve also had moments that aren’t so glamorous that make me cringe just thinking about them! But add those all up and that’s what has made me into me, and I wouldn’t change any of it. Life is short, and that’s why for me anyways, being an office drone wasn’t something that I wanted to do for the next 40+ years until I retired. I guess going against the grain and taking that proverbial road less travelled is just who I am, and I swear that if I dropped dead in my chair here as I’m writing this I couldn’t complain one bit because I’ve had that chance to do and see things that most never will.

And if having all those experiences meant that my bank account isn’t quite as large now as it otherwise could have been, I say so what, because money is great don’t get me wrong, but again it comes down to finding that happy balance and medium. I wouldn’t want to be an office worker bored out of my fucking mind with a big bank account, but on the other hand I wouldn’t’ want to be an alcoholic or drug addict that partied 7 days a week with barely a nickel in my pocket either. Balance.

But what can I say dude, your story is inspiring, you talk about what some people say you ‘should’ be doing at your peak, well you’re already doing that! Sure, you may not be getting drunk every Wednesday night, but you’re surfing, starting a business, living in a vacation paradise, and have probably scored more chicks this past year than the average guy will in his lifetime! If that’s not living life at your peak, I don’t know what is. I could be wrong, but I thought that I heard somewhere before that the average guy will have sex with something like 7 girls in his lifetime. Man, that’s crazy to think about, because I’ve done that several times over, and it’s stuff like that which makes me think back about everything that I’ve done and not regret a minute of it.

I could relate to a lot of what you said there, and it sort of spurred me into thinking out loud a bit and sharing some of my thoughts about it.

Cheers.

Well I’m a few days behind here. This is one of those times where I have quite a lot to say or report on, but I really don’t even feel like typing it all up.

First, I’ll give a quick rundown of the weekend. Well I didn’t end up going to see OnlineAsian. That looks to be done now. Long story short, I cancelled on her because she started to seem like a gold digger, got clingy, and it pretty much resulted in a bit of a fallout over the phone that continued through a few texts. There’s a lot more to say, but that’s the basics of it. She’s pretty lame and got a bit immature and it was a pretty big turnoff on top of the other shit I just mentioned.

Now onto Monday.

Monday was a pretty shitty day at the school. I started to write up a big post yesterday, but I never got around to finishing it. So telling the same story today will be a bit different. Monday was one of those days where my post would have resembled a ‘meltdown’ of sorts. I was pissed off, frustrated, and just in a bit of a shitty mood as I reflected back on my game and on the progress, or lack thereof, that I’ve been making lately.

I just felt quite discouraged and disappointed.

Well this is what Monday consisted of, in a nutshell. I sat on a bench with one chick and made a comment as I sat down. She had her earbuds in and was looking straight down at her notes. It looks like she didn’t hear me at all, or she ignored me because she didn’t flinch or say a word. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even hear what I said. I noticed that she didn’t look all that great once I sat down, so I sort of chuckled to myself slightly, sat there for a few minutes and looked at my book then took off.

It was one of those days where I didn’t really see anything at all that was the type that I’d usually approach. I walked around for awhile and hit the areas that I normally check out, but there were no nice looking girls sitting alone in situations that I like to approach in.

There was only one really good chance of the day that I had, and I blew it.

There was one really nice looking chick that was sitting by herself eating a slice of pizza. I sat at the table across from her and one seat to the left. I should have opened her right then and there. But again, like before, I really didn’t want to interrupt her as she was eating. I would have said something, but I wanted to wait until she was finished. Well, I’m not even sure if she finished the last bit of her slice, because she got up and was gone before I knew it. Chance blown.

But other than that, that’s the only real opportunity that I passed up on for Monday. If I wanted anything else, I would have had to open groups, open mixed sets, or stop chicks as they were walking.

That brings me to today (Tuesday)

Well we’ve got off pretty good this winter as far as weather goes, but today was really cold, snowy, and just fucking miserable out. I had my Tuesday lab and since the roads were getting bad, I grabbed a bite to eat quickly after class and caught the bus out of there or else later afternoon traffic could have been a nightmare.

The only chance that I blew today was first thing in the morning when I got there. I got a tea and sat down and was looking over my lab book at this table of four. A chick sat at the table of four that was in front of me, and we made brief eye contact.

She wasn’t there long, and she got up and walked away. The only thing that I could have done was try to stop her or say something as she got up or was walking by me. But as of yet, that’s the type of shit that I never do. Even saying something like “leaving already?” or something might have worked. I guess anything would have been better than just watching her go.

But yea, if I had of finished that post yesterday, it would have been one of my classic 3 page meltdowns full of emotion, frustration and perhaps, depending on which way you look at it, some good unintentional comedy. But unfortunately I didn’t finish it, and it wouldn’t feel genuine posting it today because my mood has changed somewhat.

General Thoughts

I guess yesterday pissed me off or frustrated me enough that I really do feel close to a bit of a breakthrough in a way. I feel close to pushing myself out of my comfort zone and opening chicks that are on the move somewhere, or in situations like this morning when the chick got up from the table in front of me and walked by.

There was a display type of thing set up in a large open area today, and I was very close to stopping a chick that was looking at it and sort of walking by. I saw her and sort of circled around with the intention to say something to her if she was still looking at it, but instead she took off and went down the hall. I coulda/shoulda said something sooner, but I didn’t.

Even though that was a fail, I was still very close to doing it, and as lame as that may sound, it’s something that I generally would not do before.

I guess it’s just hitting me that January is almost over, and that means basically only 8 weeks left of school. And I know, like every semester, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and it’ll be the last day of school and then exams. And yea I know there are other places to pick up besides school, but the point is that I want to grab my fucking sack for once and step up my game while school is still in. I’m in a paradise of pussy at the school compared to trying to game at the fucking grocery store or the gym where there is next to nothing. I need to step up and take advantage of the abundance of chicks while I can before it’s over.

But even saying “I feel close to pushing myself out of my comfort zone” is lame as fuck in itself. Like holy fuck dude, just do it. Most other people just seem to do it, but for whatever reason it seems that I’ve reached this huge plateau and I just seem unwilling to move beyond it.

I’d rather come home with nothing because I got rejected than come home with nothing because I didn’t even try. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and honestly say I gave it a shot. The truth is I barely try. Running around the school like a shivering phaggot looking for the safest approaches isn’t getting me anywhere. I’m growing tired of entries like this in this journal, and I’m growing tired of even doing this shit if this is how it’s going to be. I’d rather come back and tell a few stories of how I got totally fucking blown out of the water instead of this shit. It’s getting tiring.

For whatever fucked up reason, and I’m just sort of realizing this as I’m thinking about it, is that I ‘fear’ the fact that other people could hear what I say more than the potentially shitty reaction that I get out of a chick.

And that’s why I find it so hard to open a chick, even if she’s by herself, but other people can hear it. I don’t know why I put so much stock into what other people might think of me. I know at the end of the day, nobody is really going to give a fuck that I said “hey, how’s it going” or something to a chick and got ignored or brushed off. I don’t know why I’m like that. Why do I seem to care so much?

That’s why I didn’t say anything to that chick this morning as she got up. It’s because there were people at the tables to my left and right that would have heard me. So it’s not that I fear what the girl will do or say, my fear lies in the fact that others will witness it. That’s fucked up, and I can’t wrap my head around that and figure out why or how to get around it. I guess, like many other things in pickup and life in general, I’ll just have to be a fucking man, grab my sack, and do it. Not to sound arrogant, but 95% of the guys there can’t hold a fucking candle to me, yet I sit back and ‘worry’ what they’ll all think if I do something. It’s fucked up.

I guess old habit die hard, and there is a lot of truth in the saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. If I was 20 yrs old and was still figuring out who I was and my adult personality was still being ‘formed’ or molded, it might be a lot easier to develop these new personality traits or habits. But when I’ve been the way I am for almost a couple of decades, that’s a hell of a long time of programming and bad habits to try to undo and do a complete 180 on. Not impossible, but it’s going to take a lot of effort, repetition and consistent application if I want to even have a shot. That’s the reality.

I’ve come a long way from how I was a long time ago. In the past, I would never think about going up to a chick during the day at school and talking to her. So just the fact that I do that now is an accomplishment. But I want more than that. I don’t want to be just a little less shy than I used to be. I want to be the dude that’ll go up to any chick, without fear, or without any hangups about what she or anyone else will think. Just getting a bit better isn’t why I’m doing this. I have improved a lot, but I’m not satisfied with that. I’m being hard on myself perhaps, but I have to be. I have to give myself ‘tough love’, as fucked up as that sounds. I don’t want to make excuses and tell myself that it’s ok that I don’t progress because of this or that reason. To me that’s not acceptable. It’s easy to go to the gym, buy nice clothes, and all that sort of stuff, but it’s a lot harder to ingrain new habits into your personality, or to try to change the way that you’ve been for most of your life. That shit isn’t easy. I’m more on the introverted side, and I suppose that I always will be, but it’s just that I have to push myself more. And I really do grow tired of writing about it. It’s time to stop the writing and start actually doing it.

I do meet some girls now, but not nearly a fraction of the amount that I could meet if I stepped up my approach game more. I really do struggle with the question “why?” Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why do I seem to fear being judged by others? I hate saying it, but I guess it must be true, but being brutally honest with myself I guess part of it must stem from a lack of confidence. It must. But it’s fucked up, because for the most part, I am a pretty confident person in almost every other area except when it comes to social shit, and speaking in front of groups of people. Even at my age now, I still hate having to speak in front of the class, whether it’s a presentation or answering a question or something. Perhaps some sort of public speaking course or an acting/drama type course would help me.

But it’s really messed up. I used to work for a large financial company, and was in management there. I had a group of several people that I supervised and was responsible for. You’d think that I should have confidence coming out of my ass because of that, but for some reason I don’t, at least not when it comes to pickup. Is there an answer? Is it just a matter of doing what I haven’t done yet and just get out there and try something new? Do I fear success? There could be truth in that too, because I have been known to be self destructive at the more shittier times in my life, and sometimes I’d let shit fall apart just when it was getting really good, almost like on a subconscious level I feared how good I could become, or I had fear about not being able to live up to what others might expect of me. I don’t know. Man, this is getting kind of deep! Lol fuck. I don’t know what to say here boys, I’m just spewing out random thoughts here trying to explain shit and also trying to get to the bottom of why I seem so reluctant to take this to the next level.

I should have more confidence than I do for this stuff, and that’s the bottom line. I’ve been told so many times before by chicks that I’m really good looking, or really hot, or I have a nice ass, nice body or whatever. I’m not overly tall, a bit over 5’9”. I’m not a huge guy by any means, and right now since I’ve been cutting and dropped some weight I’m sitting at 170lbs. Most chicks say I have a cute face, some say I look a bit mean or a badass but in a rugged or good way. I find a lot of people are intimidated by my look. But when you talk to me, I’m always very nice, polite and friendly to everyone. I have a Euro background and have dark brown hair and green eyes with slightly darker features than your average pale Brit, probably because of the bit of Spanish on my moms side. (lol fuck, reading that again sounds like I’m describing myself for a blind date or something!) But what I’m getting at is looks aren’t my issue. But still, what I’m saying is that I have no reason not to be confident with this stuff. I have the look, and I can be a good talker and conversationalist. So what's the deal? And it frustrates me that I just seem to always find a reason or excuse to not pull the trigger and step up my game. For pickup I have a lack of balls I guess. And that’s really fucked up, because in other areas of my life I’ve done shit that requires huge fucking balls, balls of steel big enough that you need a wheelbarrow to haul them around in. And I’ve done a lot of shit that most people would never even consider doing. Some would even say reckless at times. But for social balls, I’m a fucking eunuch I don’t know, I’m trying to find answers here.

Fuck, so much for not making much of a post tonight. This has turned into quite the rambling that’s covered a lot of shit. Sometimes I don’t even feel like starting to write this journal because there’s so much I want to say, and I know it’s going to be a hassle to get it all out. But sometimes when I start to write and think about things, it just flows and I can go on for pages. Sometimes I don’t even know why I continue this journal. It’s more of a diary, or some sort of blog than a pickup journal. But whether anyone else reads this shit or not doesn’t matter really, because in an odd way it helps me to spew all this out. Lol fuck, I just thought of something, this is almost like lying on a shrinks couch or something and talking about my ‘problems’ or whatever! I dunno, it’s kind of fucked up though. But for now, I’ll keep writing this journal and see how it goes.

Having said that, I guess I should cut this off and perhaps put some of this effort into actually doing something rather than just writing about it. Yeah, there’s an idea.

Wednesday

Well today was better than yesterday, but nothing really spectacular. I did a couple of things to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit, but nothing to really celebrate over. And I also pussed out at the end of the day, but I was pretty tired and drained and just not feeling it by that point.

There’s one other potential development that I haven’t mentioned yet:

I have this Indian girl in my class that seems to be onto me pretty good. I didn’t mention this before, but my last two lectures I’ve sat with her and she’s also in one of my tutorial classes. She pretty cute for sure. She’s thin, has really long black hair, and has a fairly dark complexion. I do prefer a lighter complexion myself, but she’s still quite pretty. There are, however, a few ‘problems’ with this one. One is that it’s her first year there, which means that she’s 18. And the second one is that I now sit with her and will partner up with her in my tutorial, so shit could get awkward if things don’t work out. So I need to be kind of careful how I play this one. She’s really nice, quite shy around me, and a pretty smart chick too. She plans to go to med school when she’s done. But she talks to me a lot, and I can tell just by how she looks at me and is kind of shy/nervous around me a bit that she likes me. Whether or not it will end up being practical for her or me to pursue this is another story. But we’ll see. When we parted ways today after class I gave her a touch/rub on her arm as I was leaving, and it was the first time I had touched her. I could tell it gave her a reaction, and I could almost feel or sense the energy from it. It was pretty interesting actually. And I mean she reacted in a very positive way. It was almost electric, I could feel the energy from it. Anyways, we’ll see what happens with that one. Now that I’ve been talking to her a lot these last two days, I’ll be seeing her three times a week.

I made two other comments/approaches today that put me a bit out of my comfort zone and were things that I generally wouldn’t do. They weren’t anything major, but it was something. The first one was a comment I made to a chick sitting on a bench where there were other people all around. It wasn’t anything much, but the significance was that there were at least 3 or 4 people around that could have heard if they gave a fuck enough to listen. It was just a comment I made and a sentence or two after that.

The next one was sort of a ‘drive by’ compliment that I made to a chick that was looking at the same sort of art gallery display thing that was set up in a large open area. She had this cool looking ring on that was really big and silver, so I just said that I liked it and thought it was cool. We were both walking in opposite directions and I said that as I was passing her and we kept walking. She had a somewhat surprised or shocked look on her face, but she smiled and said thanks. The significance of that was that there were also at least 3 or 4 people around that definitely heard me say that. So again, it’s nothing much, but at least it’s something that I haven’t done before.

I was up late last night so unfortunately I was running short on sleep today. I was feeling pretty beat by the time I was leaving, both physically and mentally. I hadn’t had much to eat either. And this is where I pussed out twice. I’m not trying to make excuses, because I admit I pussed out, but I honestly was beat by that point of the day and really not feeling it at all. I was walking around the same area where the art stuff was on display, and I had two perfect opportunities to make a comment to two different girls, but I guess my balls were nowhere to be found and I ended up circling around them and saying fuck all. That actually pissed me off and I left the school shortly after once again fairly disappointed in myself.

General Thoughts

Well, unlike yesterday, I’m going to keep this short. I’ve usually tried to distance myself from the old school canned game, but one thing that I really should try to do is follow the ‘3 second rule’. I realize that my game lacks spontaneity. I need to act right away when I see a chick that I want to talk to. I’m so used to approaching a chick on a bench where I’ll sit down, get out a book, wait a bit, and then open. And now in these situations where I’m wanting to open a girl as she’s walking, or just anywhere, I really need to just do it right away without having to think about it or ‘psyche’ myself up for it, for lack of a better way to put it. I seem to always immediately pause, evaluate, think, and by that time I’ve already walked by or she’s passed or whatever. And that’s what’s sort of fucking me up. I have to just make the decision to just do it, and follow that 3 second rule and don’t even think about it.

Thursday

I made one small comment/approach to a chick in the library today, but it’s barely worth mentioning.

General Thoughts

I was definitely in a bit of a weird mood today. I’m realizing that it’s tough to cut weight. Being in a caloric deficit for any length of time, and being somewhat carb depleted, can make you kind of irritable and pissed off. I’ve read about this, but this is the first time that I’ve experienced it. I find myself thinking about shit that pisses me off quite often, and lately I’ve been wondering if it’s just me, or is it the diet. I suppose it could be a bit of both, but I’ve read other people go through the same things when they cut weight too. So I’m trying to keep all this in mind.

Anyways, I was thinking about a few things today, and in some ways I sort of finally came to a bit of a realization. Not to sound overly dramatic, but I kind of feel like I’m either at, or quickly approaching a crossroads in my life here. I’ll tell you how it started.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this, but I guess the best way that I can put it is that I’m just now starting to accept it in some ways. Let’s just say for arguments sake that I look between 26-28 roughly. The reality is that the average ages of people in my school is 18-22. So even if some of them think I look 28, that’s still ‘really old’ to many of them. But the sad reality is that I’m a fair bit older than that. So I’m trying to play a really tough game there, and it’s one that I kind of think is damn near over. And it’s an especially tough game to play for me considering my ‘fear’ of rejection.

That’s not to say I can’t score any chicks there, but the reality is that my time is pretty much up. Sure, I could lie and bs about my age, and I have done that, but at the end of the day who am I really kidding? I mean how long am I going to keep doing this? The way my life is set up right now, I could afford to be a part-time student like I am for at least 5 more years or even more. But do I really want to still be doing this shit into my 40s? I mean it’s kind of ridiculous. In fact it’s already ridiculous.

I can keep being a student as long as I want, but the students I go to school with keep staying the same age, but I keep getting older year by year. Now let me say this though. I try to approach chicks while I’m there because I’m working on my second degree; I have a reason to be there. So the way that I see it is since I’m there, why not try to practice ‘game’ and see if I can pick up? If I wasn’t a student in a school, you’d obviously never catch me cruising the hallways of a school looking for chicks. I’m only doing this because I’m already there for a reason. I may even do my Masters when I’m done, who knows.

But what I was thinking about today is that I really should get out to a bar where I have access to chicks that are in their mid 20s or at least a 20-29 crowd or whatever.

I’ll share one other thing that I’ve never mentioned, and this is also one reason why I have some sort of small hope of eventually meeting my ‘wife’ from school. Ever since I was young, I have always dreamed of having a ‘soul mate’. And in my mind, she’s young, beautiful, smart, and every other awesome quality you’d want in a girl. And the thing is I don’t want some chick in her 30s that may have kids, has had numerous long relationships, and has banged 20 guys or more. I guess I’m attracted to purity and innocence in a way. I’m not saying I’d want my wife to be a virgin, but I also don’t want some jaded chick that has a lifetime worth of baggage before I even meet her. And each year that goes by that I don’t meet her, the less likely that it will ever happen. I mean my ‘ideal’ chick that I would meet would be maybe 21-22, beautiful, but not the type that you’d see wasted in a club grinding against random guys like some animal in heat. I’m more into the chick that has that natural beauty, but dresses a bit conservatively or doesn’t flaunt it. And I’ve always felt that if I ever will find a chick like that, I’ll end up meeting her in the school library or something. But it’s that dream of meeting her that keeps me at the school and keeps me there hoping.

But reality is starting to set in, and it’s a really tough pill to swallow. My time has largely passed, and not many 21 yr old chicks would ever consider going out with me once they found out my age. Sure they could be initially attracted just based on looks and an initial conversation, but once the subject of age rears it’s ugly head, and it will eventually, well that’s when shit comes crashing down and it’s pretty much over.

That’s why I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for these guys that are 20 years old complaining about how shit is tough. I’d give anything, absolutely anything to be that age again and to be aware of game. Man, just to think how different my life could have been if I decided to embark on a journey of self improvement back then instead of all the other stupid, wasteful shit that I did instead. But that’s like crying over spilt milk now. Unless someone has a time machine or something, that’s just not happening. I have to live in the present, and it is what it is, for better or worse.

I guess also in some ways I’m consumed by game; it’s all I really think about damn near all day every day. When I get to school as I walk in, I’m looking around for chicks. When I sit in class in the lecture hall, I look for chicks. When I’m in the hallways, I’m looking for chicks. When I’m buying lunch, I’m looking for chicks. Even when I go to the library the odd time to ‘study’, I’m there looking for chicks. Maybe I need to take a step back and just be a student there and leave ‘game’ alone for a bit. Or maybe not stop approaching, but just relax a bit and actually be a student and do some work without looking around every 10 seconds seeing if any chicks are in the area or walking by. There’s a saying or whatever that says that things usually happen when you don’t even try, or when you least expect it. Maybe I’ve been trying too hard, or thinking about it too much. And the reality is I’m doing all this in a damn near impossible environment. Or its an environment where the odds are stacked against me anyways. I mean if I went out to a cougar bar I'd get eaten up by women in their 30s, but I don't want that at all. In fact I have next to no interest in them for the most part. Of course there will be exceptions, but those are extremely rare and few and far between.

I’m the last guy that will ever admit to getting older, or aging, or not being able to do something because of age, but the reality is that I’m in school here, and most of these people are coming straight out of high school. It was a lifetime ago that I was in high school. I need to get out to a bar, at least then I can give myself another avenue to meet chicks, and I don’t have to be so die hard when I’m at school. I don’t know, of course I’ll still be looking for chicks at school, but today I was walking around a bit and that sort of sad realization sort of hit me. Like I said, that’s not something that doesn’t cross my mind each and every day, but today I sort of began to accept it, and it was pretty painful.

If I’m going to be an ‘old guy’ that’s gonna like young girls forever, then there will be a point where I’m going to have to accept defeat if I’m still single. I really don’t know what to say. I've loved the single life I've had, but I don't want to be alone forever.

But on the other hand, all that it’s going to take is for me to have my next good conversation and get a chicks number then I’ll be all happy and smiles again. But that’s the thing, I don’t want and shouldn’t let my success or failure with game on a day to day basis affect my mood so much. On the days where I hardly get any looks, or I just don’t see much around, I feel kind of hopeless and feel like shit is over and all is lost. Then there’s days like last week when I got that hot young Asian chicks number that I felt like I was still right there in the game and had a bounce in my step and felt confident as fuck. And what’s funny is that it even shows, because I remember for the rest of that day and the day after I seemed to notice a lot more chicks looking at me. Was it because I gave off some aura of confidence? Did my good mood shine through that much that others noticed as I walked down the hallways? It was weird, because I did notice that I got a lot of looks.

And by comparison, the last few days I have felt like an old lady’s pussy – everybody knew I was there, but nobody gave a fuck. And perhaps it’s because I wore my inner mood on my sleeve. Maybe I didn’t have that same swagger or bounce in my step, or maybe I just didn’t walk around and carry myself with that same confidence that I did the other day.

I’m not sure what to say here. I’m thinking I might take a break from journaling. I’ve dumped out quite a lot of bs and emotion and thoughts into this journal in the last few days. Maybe I need a few days off to recharge and give my head a shake. If I do take a break, it’ll only be a few days or so. I will be back. Or is a lot of this just a carb depleted rant from dieting the last three weeks since I’ve got my shit back together? It’s fucked up, it’s almost like a different form of withdrawals or something that I feel. I get angry, feel down, and get irritated easily. I’m usually a pretty happy guy for the most part, but I’m telling you that this shit is tough. I have no real physical symptoms that you might get from withdrawal, but this is just mental and psychological symptoms. Like I'll look in the mirror, and think I'm getting smaller but the fat I want to lose is still there. So it seems like all my muscle is just wasting away. It plays tricks or headgames with you. I've read other guys go through this too, and I am glad that I'm aware of it, or else I'd be really wondering just what the fuck is going on with me lately.

But I think it’s a pretty significant point that I just raised though. I can’t let my day to day success or failure with this stuff affect me like this. Lol, it’s almost like I’m fucking bi-polar or something. If my post entries had theme music attached to them, one day it would be eye of the tiger from the rocky movies, and the next day it’s funeral bagpipes. I guess I’m getting a bit frustrated at not getting laid and I’ve been on a pretty big dry spell here for awhile. I’ve had a few chicks that should have been gimme lays, but they’ve fallen apart. HotReceptionist and OnlineAsian should have been guarantees, but shit fell apart before I could fuck either of them. One was my fault, the other hers, and shit just happened. But if I could just get something on the go, I know it would make my mood a lot better. And I do also have to keep in mind that cutting weight is affecting me as well, and that’s for real. For motivation and also information I check out the bodybuilding dot com site, and other guys that cut weight talk about getting pissed off, being moody, feeling down, and things like that. And I’m certainly feeling it, and I guess on the days that I don’t have a good day at school, it’s just like adding gasoline to an already burning fire, and I just get pissed off and a bit down. Man, I don’t know. lol

And it looks like I could be cutting for another 8 weeks. I'm trying to lose one pound per week max. Any more than that, and I'll be sacrificing muscle. My plan after that is to ramp up the cals slowly, and try to eat about 200 - 400 above maintenance for a slow bulk. The bulk that I did starting in the summer was too aggressive, and I was gaining at least a pound a week. If an experienced lifter gains 5-7 lbs of lean mass in a year, they are doing well. So obviously I put on a lot of fat, and since at the end of my cut now I'll be pretty ripped, I want to keep that look and not just dump on a bunch of fat. So anyways, it looks like I'll have another 2 months of cutting to deal with. Maybe I won't need the full 8 weeks, but I plan to strip away all of the remaining midsection fat and be in the best shape of my life by the time spring/summer rolls around. It'll be painful getting there, but like many things in life, most things you have to work for that are worth having don't come easy.

And you know what else just happened as I was typing this shit up? My fucking iPhone looks like it just died! I usually don’t buy warranties, but I did get the 2 year care package when I got the phone, and lucky me I have 41 days left until it expires! So I have an appointment set up for Saturday to get it replaced. But the real kick in the nuts is that it looks like I’m going to lose everything on the phone because I never did a proper backup on my computer. I have some pictures on it, nothing major, but the real loss is that I will lose every single number and contact in my phone. And most of them I have no backup for at all. Oh well, what can I do now. Lesson for anyone reading: back up your shit!

I had tentative plans set up to go out to a bar with one or two guys this weekend, one of them I only have his number on my phone, so it looks like if the other dude can’t make it, I’ll be either going out on my own, or not at all. I’ve never really y been out to a bar by myself, and I’m not sure if I feel up to that for this weekend or not.

Anyways, that’s all I have for now. I think this is going to be my last 'rant' for a bit. I'll post next when I have something game-related to talk about. The more that I think about it, the more I think that my dieting is causing my mood to be kind of down, because I'm definitely not usually like this.

Peace.

I'm curious how severe your dieting is. I mean I maintain single digit bodyfat and I rarely get any "emotional" issues unless I start pushing towards overtraining and then it comes on quick and its very apparent. My interest in girls drops. If I am seeing/banging one regularly she starts to aggravate me very easily, as do other people. Tiny things piss me off. I get apathetic. And I just feel "cloudy." But usually its too much physical exertion that pushes me passed that threshold, since my diet is very sustainable. A few days of eating good, rest/recovery, and a lot of sleep generally has me back at my peak. I think I posted a little something in mid-Decemberish about feeling that way, right before I went to NYC. My workouts suffering is a dead giveaway for me.

How are your workouts going? Are you maintaining or gaining strength? Are you motivated to lift or is it a chore? How often are you carbing up?

I personally stay low-carb on my off days (still surfing so no sedentary) and then usually have a good portion of either sweet potatoes or rice with my meal after I lift. That seems to be the sweet spot for me. I can and have gone up to 10 days very low-carb but I don't think its very sustainable, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

And this is a bit of a shot in the dark, but considering your age, have you had your hormone levels, specifically testosterone, checked recently?

Well I’m pretty sure I know what the issue was after I read your post and gave it some thought. The answer was carbing up.

For the last 3 weeks I had: No rice. No bread. No pasta. No carbup at all. Nothing. It looks like I made a rookie mistake as I didn’t realize the importance of carbing up and I was extremely carb depleted as a result. I guess I found out that’s kind of a long stretch to go without a carbup when I was keeping my carb intake so low. I’m new to doing this sort of a diet, and what I was doing wasn’t really sustainable I guess. I track all my food, so some days I would eat as little as 100g of carbs, and other days it would be as “high” as 150g, which is still a very small amount. So the whole thing makes sense now, no wonder I’ve felt kind of fucked for the past week. I guess the first two weeks weren’t too bad, but I’ve noticed this past week has been worse. I've read about carb ups and ‘refeeds’, but I underestimated their importance. I did know better, but I just sort of thought that the way I felt was part of the process. But yeah, nearly 3 weeks of low carb intake was taking its toll on me.
That has to be pretty tough keeping yourself in single digits. I think the big difference between you and I when it comes to this is that you’ve been doing this for a long time and you have your system and diet quite finely tuned. Whereas me on the other hand, I’ve only started tracking my intake and really began to understand the importance of diet in the last six months. So I’m still getting used to this, and this is the first time that I’ve tried to diet in this way while lifting.

I would guess that for the most part you likely keep yourself in a very slight surplus and tend to gain lean mass over time with negligible fat gain. Or do you regularly go through small bulk and cut cycles? I know you’ve said you train more as a powerlifter than a bodybuilder, so I’m not sure if you follow the bulk/cut cycles that a lot of bodybuilders do. And just out of curiosity, do you track and weigh your food, or do you have your diet tuned enough or whatever that you just go by ‘feel’?

Once I’m done this cut that I’m on now, I’d like to begin to bulk again, but this time approach it differently and go very slow. I think if I ate about 200-250 cals over maintenance, that would be no more than a 1 pound gain every two weeks, which isn’t too bad. I’ll still be putting on some fat doing that of course, but it’s much slower and then I can do a much shallower cut after 10-12 weeks or more of bulking. Or I’ll just stop whenever I start to see midsection fat coming on too much.

For me, I just have a bit of midsection fat to lose to expose my abs more. I’d guess that I’d look pretty good if I dropped maybe 5-8lbs of fat, give or take. So once I get down to the point where I have more visible abs, from there I want to build up slowly and sensibly. This is the first time I’ve ever seriously added the nutrition component to the equation. And I guess for me being new to the cutting part of the diet, I’ve never felt or experienced it before so I had no reference point to judge from. I had just read some things about other guys’ diets on a forum and what some of them went through. But I guess I missed or forgot about the importance of frequent carbups when you’re running your carbs so low like that.
Well my workouts are going as well as I can expect I guess considering that I’m in a caloric deficit and I’m trying to drop weight. But I notice a clear difference between when I was bulking on a caloric surplus compared to now. I’ve done ok with maintaining strength on my cut, but I have lost a bit. From what I’ve read, losing some strength while you’re cutting is fairly normal. But when I was on a surplus/bulk before, I was gaining strength pretty regularly. I had weight increases built right into my routine. Eg. I would add 5lbs to the squat bar every two weeks and just do it. And I would try to do the same with every one of my exercises. I’d just increase a small percentage of the weight at regular intervals but kept the reps the same.

Being so depleted as I was, sometimes lifting was a chore, but I think my lack of carbs can explain that for the most part. I always have pretty good energy levels and can train with good intensity at the gym, so I’ve never really had a problem in that area. One thing that I have done on my cut to try to keep muscle is to keep lifting as heavy as I can. And to compensate for my lack of calories and therefore energy, I’ve reduced the volume slightly, but tried as hard as I can to still move the heavy weight like I was when I was on a surplus to keep the muscle. I’m not sure if that’s what some call ‘broscience’, but from what I’ve read most people generally suggest that you do that while on a cut to try to make the body keep the muscle by stimulating it with heavy weight. Use it or lose it, if you will.

I did feel it when I cut the last time before Christmas, but that one was a little different. Last time my calories were a bit higher, I didn’t take carbs as low, and I did end up having a couple of ‘refeed’ type days here and there. But I remember still feeling it, just not as bad as this time. I guess 3 weeks is kind of long to go without a carbup day when my carbs were kept that low.
Yeah, I’ve heard guys refer to that as “carb cycling”, and that’s something that I might try. So I guess going forward I should either try carb cycling, or if not, make sure I carb up or have a ‘refeed’ once a week roughly. I suppose I don’t need to run carbs quite as low as I was. I could easily drop my protein a bit and make up the extra cals in carbs and still be consuming 200g/day of protein which should be good. But yeah, when I read you say that you’ve gone up to 10 days very low carb, then it really hit me, because it’s been 3 weeks for me. So it just clicked then and I knew what I was doing wrong. And it makes sense.

I think recently I’ve been eating too few overall calories as well. I had roughly figured that my maintenance was about 2800 cals/day. And when I started my cut sometime in late October or November roughly, I was eating about 2400 cal/day on average. So I started my cut at a 400 cal/day deficit and it seemed to work fine then. But when I started back up in January and began the cut again, I’ve been only eating 2100 cal/day on average. So with a smaller caloric intake like that, combined with major carb depletion over a few weeks, no wonder why I’ve felt kind of messed up. I really don’t want to make the mistake, as many rookies do, and drop weight too quickly. I’ve heard that I should aim for no more than 1 lb per week loss max, or else I’ll be losing too much muscle if the diet is too aggressive. So I think I’ll up my daily cals back to the 2300-2400 range, and slightly increase my carb intake and lower protein a bit.

I’ve read that the general rule of thumb for protein intake should be about 1 – 1.5g per pound of body weight. So I try to aim for at least 200g of protein per day. But with eating so few carbs, I was finding that many days I would be up to about 240g protein, and 80-90g of fat, and the rest in carbs, which depending on the day would be 110-140g on average. I suppose that carbs don’t have to be quite that low.
I had my bioavailable test levels checked just about a year ago. My levels were good, in fact they were fairly high and nowhere near being a candidate for TRT. But yeah, based on the ‘symptoms’ that I was describing, low test could certainly be a culprit but I know that I’m ok in that area thankfully.

I'm going to keep this post short, as there really isn't anything too significant for me to catch up on.

Well I had two days of 'carbup' over the weekend, and I do feel better. I gained just about 8 pounds on the scale. Most of that will be water, but still, after all that 'work' of cutting like I did, it kind of sucks to see pretty much every pound of that come back on in 2 days! I'm sure I dropped some fat over the three weeks, but still.

I have two more chicks on the go now from online dating, but I won't say too much about them until something happens. I'm pretty sure both of them should be good to go, and I'll likely see at least one if not both of them sometime this week or before the weekend for sure.

I spoke to one chick today at school briefly, but nothing to really mention.

Yeah I do a more carb cycling approach. Its basically a surplus on days I lift and a deficit on days I don't, so I am bulking and cutting all in the same week. The carbs and a bit of extra protein account for the variances between the two days and I can manipulate those to get leaner or support more size and strength gains. A huge % of my calories come from fat (as in more than 50% even on the carb days), then protein, then carbs.

I've tried the carb refeeds, going anywhere from 5-10 days at less than 30g of carb per day and then refeeding like a mother. It just didn't work for me. The way I eat now supports my strength and still keeps me lean. I have only been leaner than I am now once in my life, about 18 months ago, and I was about 6 or 7 pounds lighter back then so I have slowly put on muscle and stayed mostly the same bodyfat. I could probably be leaner in less than a month if I really wanted that but I'm trying to hit a few PRs... My strength can fluctuate depending on how much I surf, but I am on the cusp of squatting numbers that I haven't hit since I was 25lbs higher, so I know I must be doing something right.

I used to track and weight my food. But I don't really need a system anymore. I can eyeball and guess everything close enough and I eat the same general types of meals all the time so I know what's going in and how its going to affect me. Its on autopilot as far as macros go but I am still working on optimizing food quality (just recently switched to all grass-fed meats and pastured eggs, for example), which I believe plays an underrated role (natural saturated fats and omega-3s are a bit part of that, methinks).

I believe you have a few pounds on me (you are 170ish I think). I would guess 2100kcal on average is a bit on the low side. My days probably bounce between 2300 on the low and over 3000 on the high. I am surfing a lot too though.

That's cool. I read your reply awhile ago, but I haven't updated my journal lately. There is a lot I could talk about concerning working out/diet etc, but since I'm so behind I'm going to try to get this journal up to date and back on track.