[Long time absentee - coming back for some advice]

Forgive the cliché but I really wish I had a dollar for every time I got the old line "I'm not feeling any chemistry" or "I'm not feeling the electricity that I need to feel". I call it the "chemistry defense".

Dating for me now is a bit of an anxious experience, because I'm afraid that without warning I'm going to get the "chemistry" defense no matter what I do.

These days I'm using a combination of online dating and meeting people through the dance scene and other means where the cold approach can be used, the cold approach being one of my strengths.

I've been prompted to post this tonight because I thought I was onto a good thing with one girl who I was seeing since November, but two nights ago I got the "I still want to see other people" speech and tonight I had it out with her, at which point I got the dreaded "chemistry" defense. So it's now as good as over.

This is the furthest I've gotten into a relationship only to be hit with that defense. We'd slept together and there was a lot of touching, kissing and cuddling going on, so it came as a bit of a shock to hear it this time. I thought she was my GF.

In a previous "LTR" I had been seeing the girl for a while, we slept together once, and it was shortly after that that I got the chemistry defense.

And then prior to that there has been a ton of first or second dates where I thought things went well, I followed up to suggest another date only to be hit by the chemistry defense.

So it seems like I'm getting a little farther every time, but it's the same defense they're all putting up.

I would point out that with this latest girl I've figured out the value of follow-ups that aren't just aimed at arranging the next meeting. So these days instead of following up on a first date with "so, what say we hang out at x" I'll just say something witty about what we talked about, wait for her to reply, get a conversation going, and then after another while follow up with the suggestion about where to go next.

My background:
37, never married, living in an area where the male:female ration makes women scarce
Thinning hair, but keep it short to try to minimize the difference between top and sides. Tried shaving it before but was put off by rude comments from one girl about being "bald". Seriously considering hair plugs.
In decent shape, although I think I could look a little more trim. Stepped up my exercise regimen to try and shed a bit more weight. I'm self conscious about my double chin, that has appeared in my 30s. Former competitive athlete, plan to get back into bike racing in 2013.
Game:
- Intermediate level salsa dancer with 13 years of experience, so one of the better dancers in the local club that I've made a regular haunt of mine
- Plenty of friends, most of them female, so I'm often seen in the company of attractive girls
- Former disciple of the Mystery Method. Don't actively employ it now in strict textbook fashion, but I do apply the basic principles of push-pull, negging until IOIs appear, watching the non-neediness and so on.

Yes, confidence is an issue with me. But in the last year I've gotten a whole lot better, thanks mainly to the fact that I've bought a home and things are going well at work. I went into this last girl feeling supremely confident and was pretty sure I was giving off no negative or desperate vibes, but after tonight I think I might have taken a bit of a hit in the confidence stakes.

I'm considering getting the old Mystery Method book out and revising the material. It's been a while since I was intimately familiar with it.

So what do you think? Have you been hit by the chemistry defense? Is it code for something else like "I'm just not that into you"? Is there a cause and a workaround?

There's no such thing as "chemistry". It's just a cop out/iod. Chemistry is just whether or not she likes you. Sometimes it will be used to describe a "connection" between the two people, like commonalities or whatever. But usually it get's applied to the interaction as one broad stroke. She likes you or she doesn't. There's chemistry or there isn't.

However, you may want to consider trying to connect with the girls on a deeper emotional level. If you are coming across as boring and just looking for a physical relationship, this may be why they are saying there isn't chemistry. Women want to feel a deeper bond with men, especially if they are looking for a relationship and not just and ONS.

_________________
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

But what does that mean, to "connect on a deeper emotional level"?

I feel like that school kid who's constantly being told by the teacher that I'm doing something wrong, but never how to do it right.

You have to talk about feelings. Talk about hopes, dreams, aspirations. Things that are sad, dramatic, and compelling. Show her your sensitive side.

When she calls her stupid girlfriend to tell her all about you, you want her to say things like, "Wow, Mark really opened up to me the other night. He's a very deep guy. I felt a strong connection with him since we've both lost our fathers recently."

At a certain point your "game" can't just be telling DHV stories and talking sexual. Eventually you really do need to open up a bit and reveal that you are actually a human being. I know, imagine that...

_________________
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

It's a feedback loop of subtle physiological cues between the two of you, you're mirror neurons are picking up her attracted state, making you more attracted yourself which she picks up and it continues to a very deep level.

"Chemistry" exists and you know when it's there. When its very strong even other people (usually women) pick it up too.

But this is exactly what I did. And as soon as I started revealing a bit more about myself: *bang* - Chemistry defense. It happened the last time too.

Hard to tell bro. You may want to actually ask them what it is specifically that they feel they aren't able to connect with. Then at least you'll know what to try to fix for next time.

_________________
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

I learned a hard lesson today. Never post a journal entry on OKCupid that has even the slightest whiff of bitterness about it. Girls can bitch about the awful dating scene to their heart's content, but as soon as a guy does it, "well they're just not that into you and it's your own fault for being such a loser, douchebag" or words to that effect. Apparently there's a little gang of trolls who sit there all day trawling through people's journals so that can insult them. One was a 46-year-old overweight UG3 who thought she was in a position to make a smart alec remark about my thinning hair. Another picked up on tiny details in my profile and just about stopped short of calling me a serial killer. Mind blowing. I ended up having to delete the whole lot.

Anyway.

I think I've figured a few things out over the last few days.

1 - If you get the chemistry speech after the first date, it's code for "I don't find you all that attractive."

2 - If you get it after getting to know the person better, it's code for "you might be attractive in a certain light, but..." and I'm not quite sure what comes next, but it's a variation on the "just not into you" theme.

I remember dating girls who I was on the fence about whether or not I was attracted to them. It lasted a few months but then I couldn't pretend I was interested anymore and I let them go. So it's really a case of me getting a taste of my own medicine here.

3 - This is very specific to me, but I'm vulnerable to women who are touchy-feely. When I'm touched by a woman that I find attractive, it sends shivers up my spine. "Chemistry" if you will. Some women are just very touchy-feely by nature, including with their friends. I can sometimes misinterpret that as an IOI, and have gotten burned several times in the past because of it. I think this has been one of them.

This has been quite a motivator for me to get in shape and do something about my appearance, so I suppose that's one positive outcome. I'm also giving more thought to getting hair plugs, but that's a discussion for another forum.

I have a couple tips:
1. remember that's it's always her. Girls love talking about themselves so you need to hook into that and get them to share something vulnerable. This gives you an emotional 'in'. Just make sure you reciprocate (even if you don't have it, you can always act like something is really personal even if you don't really care either way).

2. Ask them to close their eyes and describe some of their best experiences. For instance, if a girl tells you she scuba dives, ask her what was it like the first time she went underwater? Was she scared, exhilarated? If she describes these feelings as good, I always make contact with her so that she'll eventually associate those feelings with me. Alternatively, if she says that it was dark and she was scared, then I would put my hands over her hands (she'll open her eyes at this point), look her in the eyes and say (with sincerity), don't worry... I got you. Then follow that up with something cute: Besides, what fish would eat you? or something more clever than that. lol.

Be yourself, show her who really you are. Be sensitive sometimes, girls love sensitive guys. Always have a positive thinking. Never let yourself down because you have lack of confidence. Stand straight, and show them how proud you are. There’s nothing to lose.

man i feel you... this girl just broke things off because she didnt feel the chemistry was thier and we were just to diffrent. idk man but it hard when you actually meet someone that you fall for and things dont go right. these thing will happen when your trying to find the rigth women, yes it will hurt but would you rather know now then a couple years later. im still trying to recover from my loss but their really nothign you can do if either partys doent feel the same way.

I have a haunch. Try some of these for a month or two and tell us again about this "chemistry" thing.

1. Eat oysters 3x a week. You can saute those oysters in lots of tomatoes, garlic and onions. The oysters plus those three herbs might give you some positive "chemistry" benefits.

2. Immerse in some of those Ridley Scott movies like Gladiator and Black Hawk Down. Watching UFC fights might also help.

3. If you don't have any serious medical conditions, do some high intensity interval training workouts. 30 minutes of HIIT every other day might do the trick.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

Lie in bed gazing into each others eyes. Scientifically proven to make people closer.

You may also be shit in bed, sorry dude.

Don't get hair plugs, just do what Style did. Style your facial hair and shave your head right down to the skin with a wet blade.