I've been in a relationship for 9 months with a girl. We are intimate on a regular basis, she has introduced me to her family, her kids and I are on good terms, and we regularly hang out. In general, we have a great time.

From time to time, however, she brings up her ex. He broke up with her in April of 2011. It is now 2013. She often gets very emotional and standoffish when she starts to think about him. Usually, she gets out of this mood and moves on. However, as we get closer, sometimes she brings up the ex.

So far, I have dealt with this problem by doing the following-

1. Remembering that what a girl says is only a reflection of what she is thinking at the time. It isn't written in stone.

2. I have avoided putting down the ex.

3. I don't compare myself to the ex.

4. Usually, I just show no reaction if she brings up the ex.

5. Sometimes (if the conversation persists), I will point out that I sometimes think about ex-girlfriends.

I really think that she needs to move on totally from this guy, but I can't be her counselor. I've thought about suggesting that she talk about this with a friend. Even if we don't work out, she needs to move past this guy for her own well being.

Am I on the right track here? Is this something that I need to be that concerned about anyway?

What you got going on here is really interesting, and you seem like a good guy, and smart.

1. How long did they date? You obviously feel like it's been enough time for her to have moved on. It's only been 2013 for a day.haha

2. Do you feel like its stopping the two of you from getting closer? "as we get closer, sometimes she brings up the ex."

3. Do you think its unhealthy, and she wont get past it by herself? "Thought about suggesting that she talk about this with a friend"

4. Do you do things that remind her of him, or is she trying to get you to fix her, or is it something else that has her bringing him up?

5.Why do you "point out that you sometimes think about ex-girlfriends"? just asking.

I would be worried yes...she was with this guy almost 2 years ago, and she has been with you for 9 months. Its one thing to look back with fond memories, But another to look back and get emotional...this shows that she clearly has strong feelings for him.

My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago now, I am dating a few girls, but talking/dating one in particular who I really like. Do I still think of my ex? yes I do, we lived together for 3 years, and were together for 4, she was my best friend, a massive part of my life, and I will probably always love her to a certain extent, but do I get emotional about her anymore?? No, and do I talk about her in front of this girl I am seeing?? absolutely not! that's disrespectful and selfish.

Often the person who gets broken up with has a hard time moving on, and rather than thinking about why the relationship didn't work, and realizing its for the best they dwell on all the positive memories and black out all of the bad memories.

What should you do? what ever you want to...if it was me I would tell her that it worries you that she still had such strong feelings for her ex and perhaps it would be best for both of you to have some space and figure out what you want. I know this is hard to do but do you really want to be with someone who puts you 2nd to their ex?

I didn't get the vibe OPs girl is looking back with fond memories or the strong feelings she has are good.

kevinsp could you clear that up for me. Is it baggage or is she still stuck on the guy?

I don't see a problem with the ex there...

I spoke to my GF and so on and she mentions how she still dreams of her first love...I told her it's normal, bc I do it sometimes too... IE...you saying you think about your ex at times too WAS A GOOD MOVE, it shows you can move on whenver you wanted but still found something about your current gf that makes you want her and stay with her..

MANY married ladies and sometimes even gents still dream of their first love. It's natural, actually read somewhere that it's common in 60% of females, and if they're a "good girl" like really a good girl with only a few boyfriends and never did anything and so on, they are at the 90% range of this, because they haven't much to compare to.

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She brings him up? Okay...so what.
It MEANS you are doing something that triggered a memory she has with him...so...whats that mean??? IT MEANS you get your thinking cap on, and make whatever it is u were just doing, REALLY MEMORABLE FOR HER, so that it replaces this activity of her ex and her with u and her, in her head...this make sense?

If you can get a girl to talk about her feelings and such openly...YOU HAVE YOURSELF A KEY to fixing things so that you can KEEP HER.

You getting closer to her and bringing up the EX IS GOOD...because you are replacing him little by little.

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IT"S NOT unhealthy she won't get passed him...because when she brings it up, you are triggering something that replaces the memory with yourself...MAKE SURE you make the activity more memorable!

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That's my 2 cents. In short...its fine she brings him up...what you're doing is replacing him in her mind. THATS IT...you're doing fine, I see no problem with your situation..I've been in it, and what I said is from experience. I'm not sure where you are on your game but I think you're fine if this is whats happening.

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I am who I think I am, and who I am, I am because I think I am who I am= Your thoughts define your actions and your life.