I met a girl in May while I was visiting a friend, we got on like a house on fire, could talk about anything, then after a drunk night ended up sharing a bed with her (although we didn't have sex). I was only there for 3 days, but she stuck in my mind. She liked me and I liked her, but obviously distance was a big problem. We kept in contact over Facebook - just updating each other on what we're doing once a week, then in September (5 months later) I go visit her again for a week, staying with her every night, but again we didn't have sex. It wasn't her that said 'No', it was me. We hadn't even kissed at this point, and I stupidly managed to over-think the whole situation and pussy out.

By the end of the week, we were kissing and cuddling, watching TV on my laptop with my arm around her - smile and lean in to kiss me, she'd make me breakfast, coffee and looked after me. It felt like we were a couple. The night before I leave, my head is clear and I go to have sex with her, but she tells me my timing is bad because she's on her period. She isn't making an excuse, it was that time of the month.

I leave the next morning to catch the train home with a horrible feeling in my stomach, full of regret that we didn't have sex earlier. She sends me a message while I'm in the airport listing a couple of things I left behind, then adds that I also left her behind. All I wanted to do was turn back and live there, but obviously it's not always as simple as that.

We kept in contact when I got home, this time calling each other a couple of times a week and speaking on Facebook every day. I thought we were getting more attached to each other and would ultimately be in some kind of relationship, whether that be me moving or we could figure something out long distance.

A month after I got home, I messaged her and said I wanted to live there. I can work from anywhere with my job, so there isn't much risk. Worst case scenario, I fly back. She said she wasn't sure if she could commit to that, but said she'd think about it because anything she said then would just be an initial reaction. Stupidly, I got my hopes up.

Another month passed and I hadn't had an answer back from her, despite speaking every day. I didn't want to rush her with an answer, but I had to have some boundaries and ask her about it at some point. I asked her and she said she didn't want to tie herself down, she's still young, and isn't sure what she wants from life yet. She doesn't want to commit to something because she thinks it'll only hurt in the long run. I asked her about long-distance and she said it doesn't work, she's been there before and doesn't want to tie her down with someone that isn't there all the time. No matter what I suggested there was always a reason it wouldn't work. She said she'd really miss not keeping in contact if that were to happen, but I told her it would be best if we didn't because I'll always want more than a friendship and won't be able to move on, so I wished her well. She accepted that, so also sent me a 'goodbye message'. I've removed everything I associate with her or used to keep in contact (photos, facebook, texts, her number etc) so I can try to move on.

Looking back, I can see where I might have fucked up. I stopped becoming the 'fun' guy I was when we first met, who didn't take anything too seriously and just wanted to have a good time - and turned into the 'serious' guy demanding commitment.

Do you think there is any chance I could revive this knowing now what my mistakes are? I'm sure the majority (if not all) of you will suggest I man up, move on and don't do the same next time, but if I can help it, I really don't want to lose this girl. She's perfect for me and I haven't met anyone like her.

Does anyone have any suggestions or can add to where I fucked up? I need to learn from this.

That's where! WTF?


You had two free chances to fuck her, she laid it out on a plate for you!

There is a limited window of opportunity. If a woman is signaling that she wants to get naked with you, it’s your job to pay attention and fucking CLUE IN. If you miss it then she’ll end up feeling humiliated.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Thanks for the feedback Heywood - appreciate it.

I understand what you're saying, I should've seized the moment in that small window I had. Like I said, it felt planned (well, the second time anyway) and I managed to talk myself out of it.

That aside, have I fucked it all completely or is this salvageable? We're talking again, but just as friends.

May be answering my own question here, but I think if I just keep myself occupied, go out and enjoy myself, she'll see that and may reconsider. If not, at least I'm having a good time - a win win situation.

Wow, this is an amazing story. And from reading this, you seem like a genuinely nice guy.

I think you should have gone with the flow. When the sex was about to happen, go with it, instead of blocking it.

I agree with your analyses afterwards, that you turned from the fun-guy to serious-guy. Sounds like you were too eager to put a lable on it. Make her your girlfriend instead of seeing where it goes.

I don't know if you have lost her thou. There could be something there still. You probably need to spend more time together. See if you can go and visit her for the weekend. That would have been the next step earlier on as well; when you asked to move in with her, you should have asked to spend another weekend with her. Moving in before having sex sounds a bit like... some arranged marrage, no? But like I said, I think you still can (and should) make that move; ask to spend a weekend with her.

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Thanks brobergsweden - that really means a lot.

Just to update you, we're speaking more regularly now, maybe 3-5 times a week, just over Facebook. I'm still worried she thinks I'm "too needy" (since I escalated things too quickly), so I'm making a conscious but subtle effort to give the impression I have things to do other than talk to her, and will often leave the conversation to do something before she does. I also wanted her to have space so she could think about what it would be like to not have me in her life, then when I speak to her (and it's always me initiating conversation. She hasn't since we started speaking again, but in fairness, rarely did before that), remind her of things we did that were fun. I'll keep the conversation away from emotions/feelings or negative things, and try to keep it exciting.

I've asked her a couple of times if she's free to call, but she overlooks the question or suggests there's a better time when she's less stressed from writing her essays before a deadline coming up in a couple of weeks.

She complains frequently about uni work stressing her out. For example, today when we were talking about Christmas and drinking after she sent me a picture of her Christmas tree (a positive thing I thought) she said:

"I wish I had time for drinking. Once I hand in my last assignment I'm going to hibernate in an alcoholic sleep so that I don't feel depressed cause of Christmas "

I just replied very neutrally: "You have friends around, they'll look after you. Go out and have some fun and meet some more people ".

I always get the impression when speaking to her that she isn't happy and is trying to remain positive. Whether that's her way of keeping guys interested (we feel protective over her given her situation) or whether she's just genuinely having a rough time - I don't know, so I'm not acting on it in case she blows me off and I look "too needy" again. Despite that, I do care a lot about her and I don't want her to feel like that.

This might be a minor thing, but I want to mention it anyway. Whenever we speak on Facebook, she seems to overuse ";)". For example, she'll say "How are you? " or "Hey " or "Nope (when answering to plans for the weekend). Work work and some more work not that I mind it". If ever I've used this smilie (which I don't often. I think girls see it as creepy and/or unnecessary), I'd use it because it's flirtatious or to suggest a positive underlying message to what I've said. For the same reasons as above, I just reply neutrally in case it's not intended in the flirtatious way I naturally interpret it.

I have thought about going over to see her. In fact, I've thought about going over to surprise her for New Years Eve. She'll have finished her uni work, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea just yet (correct me if you think I'm wrong). The fact that she has more or less declined speaking to me on the phone gives me the impression she doesn't want to see me just yet. If we get back to doing that more regularly, I think you might be right - I should go see her and I should spend more time with her.

Do you think I'm right to go about things as I am? Would you change anything I'm doing?

Hey, sorry I've been so slow in replying.

To give you a quick answer.. my take on it.

Firstly, surprising her on NYE sounds a horrible idea. By all means, do it, if you want it to become really awkward. That's what it sounds like it would be.

Secondly, she reminds me of a girl I know here. I was really into her, and we had a lot of communication, but whenever it came to meeting up, she cancelled or made some excuse in the end. Or was just always busy when I suggested something. That's not your situation 100%, since you live in different cities, but chances are she's using you for attention. Keeping you on a string, so to say. I realised this girl was doing that, so I dropped all chit-chat. I wasn't interested in texting back and forth, because it just took energy from me without leading anywhere. I decided that what I wanted, was for us to meet up. That or nothing.

I think a lot of girls do that. They like having someone just for attention. Question is, what do you want? Ask if it's giving you anything to stay in touch with her. Whatever it is you want, ask her for it. (I don't mean like "hey be my gf", but "hey, let me come and visit you". Whatever can take you in a direction.) And if she doesn't want to give it to you, than ask yourself what she's worth, how much she is giving you. Or if you're not happier giving her up. It's win-win. Move on to the next step or move on without her.

And if you need to just get her out of your system, by all means, go and surprise her.

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Hey brobergsweden sorry I haven't responded to you.

I asked her last night if I could visit her in January and she said she'd love me to come over, so we'll see how things go. I've learnt from my mistakes, so time to apply them

No worries man, the thread was for you.

Great, I'm happy for you, sounds really good. I'm curious to see how it goes so feel free to write an update here or on pm.

xx

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Hey A3chin, I read the whole thread & I just wanted to to wish you good luck for this Jan in the New Year!

Oh also have had a similar long distance experience but the difference was that it was sorta flipped for me. I always kept the thought that she was in Jersey and I was in Florida in mind, that way I never fully invested my full emotion towards it cause long distance is just too complex. She even wanted to come to live in Miami around me but it was too difficult, now that we're both in starting college meeting new people tying down is the last though on mind.

In the end I cut most contact to move on, that was for me, but we still see each other once a year. This year I was gonna seduce her but I was other worldly cock blocked by family X-D. All in all I just wanna say... 1. Keep in touch, cause I always believe the Game is never over, try again in the distant future (y) & 2. As soon as you get the chance, bang her.

lol good luck bro & best of wishes

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