I've been playing the field for years and I recently discovered what I really want in a woman. I've also realised that I would be prepared to settle down and stop fooling around if I could find such a woman. I'm not after a ONS or a FWB type of relationship. I'm looking for a potential wife.

And I've recently found such a woman. The problem is, she has a boyfriend. Their relationship is riddled with problems and she told me it's a matter of time before they break up. However, she is afraid to break up with him for the following reasons:

1) She is generally a really sentimental person
2) She was very attracted to him previously, and SHE pursued him
3) They have been dating for quite a number of years now, and have gotten comfy
4) He is generally a "nice guy"
5) Their social lives are really intertwined. Her friends are all his friends and they do a TON of activities together with their common friends, so breaking up would represent a complete collapse of a structure that gives her comfort
6) She is looking to settle down soon as her bio clock is ticking (she is 32) and she is afraid that if she has to start over again with someone else (or worse, she can't find someone else), then she might end up as a spinster for life -- this is actually a major fear of hers

Other facts

1) She admires me a lot and regards me as an important person in her life
2) I am her boss
3) We keep a professional distance but are alot closer than regular co-workers, i.e. we hang out in private, we talk about personal issues a lot, we confide in each other, text each other late at night etc. We have a decent level of rapport and we sometimes talk about deep issues like emotional baggage from past r/ships, family issues, etc.
4) She once cried (publicly, in a restaurant!) when I started talking about her boyfriend and the status of their relationship
5) We occasionally subtly flirt but nothing overt or explicit because people are watching and our workplace has a very strict culture of professionalism
6) She sees me as someone who can help her achieve her aspirations in life, but she regards me quite clearly as her boss (though we are of similar age)


First of all let me say that I don't regard this as being unethical because she is CLEARLY UNHAPPY with the current status of her r/ship and I am 200% sure she will be happier with me, we get along really well and she has said on more than one occasion that she enjoys hanging out with me

Secondly, I have been working this for about 2 months now and have been making good progress. However, I recently got overconfident and made a number of mistakes, which kinda screwed things up abit


ISSUES I REALLY NEED ADVICE WITH:


1) One of the key reasons why she finds it so hard to leave her BF is because their social circles are really closely intertwined and sticky (almost incestuous!). They know all of each other's friends and frequently hang out as one big community. One of HER MAIN ISSUES with him is that she doesn't like his friends cos she finds them unexciting, boring and lame, and she is upset that most of their time together is spent doing communal activities with said circle of friends.

Also, her BF (apart from being really mediocre in general - this is what their common friends think) is really immature and not looking to settle down anytime soon. He seems like someone who isn't really clear about what he wants in life, and just wants to take his time to explore and expeirence different things. She is more focused and serious about what she wants. She doesn't think that he is the "marrying type" and has somewhat low self-esteem - she may think that she is "not good enough for him", or at least he makes her feel that way.

Now, she is starting to make attempts to bring HIM into our social circle and/or bring me into THEIR social circle which I am furiously trying to resist for obvious reasons -- it would make things extremely hard for me. I think she is trying to use me as DHV to show her BF that she hangs out with cool and successful people, to make him feel prouder of her.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?? This put a spanner in the works and I am now totally at a loss as to how to proceed. My plan did not have any contingencies for this.


2) I am going on a trip with her to a remote island to pursue a project that means alot to her personally in about two weeks' time. We will be alone, and this has been framed as a "WORK TRIP".

One week before our trip, she is going on a HOLIDAY with her BF and 6 other friends and she isn't really looking forward to spending time with them as she finds them shallow and doesn't enjoy their company.

What should I do, anything to take note of?



ALL ADVICE AND FEEDBACK WILL BE GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED!!

Please don't flame me as I am seeking your feedback earnestly!

Straw-man Technique.

Just play it well. Basically, i guess just having fun with her will do. i'm dating 3 girls now.. one of them just got out of a relationship and she has been asking me out after we had dinner. she feels that hanging out with me has more fun than her ex. so i guess just be yourself, remove the "i'm your boss" frame. doesn't mean if you're her boss she has to open her legs to you.

but be warned buddy, playing it too hard will ended u[ in a skewed relationship.

hope to hear good news from you man!

_________________
"Dude she has a boyfriend"
" Yeah so?...Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score."

make her qualify her self into the relationship you want with her. You have to make her imagine how things would be with you without actually saying things like you will be happy with me. tell her your needs as if you are looking for potential relationship and tell her what you are looking for in a woman (you want to describe her here ) this will make her think she's perfect for you and will make it easier for her to leave her boyfriend. also pay attention to what she likes and try to be that at certain times but not all the time just enough to make you get inside her head. and most importantly she has already decided that she wants to brake up with her boyfriend and she's just looking for the right push and the right time. I think she's unsure of where she stands with you because of that boss/employee fence you two have built. My final suggestion would be to give it a bit more time don't rush it if you want a good relationship out of it . you don't want her to brake up with her BF and then right after get with you then she will have buyers remorse and you're screwed. You are doing well so far but when its time to take the leap you have to be ready !!

Ciao!

Thanks very much for the advice guys.

I have already done what iceg001 suggested, i.e. I've described my ideal woman to her (which is like an 80% description of her but in reality 100%) though I've also been occasionally neg-hitting her to make her qualify herself which she has done a few times, but I think it has also failed quite a few times (her self-esteem is not the highest, and sometimes she just thinks I don't like her, maybe its cos I keep saying and reinforcing that "I have NEVER get with any of my colleagues because it's not professional" -- I want her to feel that I will break my principles for ONLY her, at a later stage)


I have also done value elicitation with her so I know what she ideally wants in a man.
Out of her 4 criteria, I actually fulfill all 4. Trouble is that she only sees one side of me (work), or at least she sees the work side of me 90% of the time. So out of the 4 values, it is only evident to her that I fulfill 2. The other 2, I have found it very hard to demonstrate despite making an effort.

What do you guys think about her trying to bring her BF into our social circle?

I am trying to avoid that at all costs because in her mind she has a "life" circle with her (and probably her BF) in the centre, and I don't want to be part of that circle.

If she is trying to use me as DHV for her BF (to make him proud of her, that she has a cool job and cool/awesome boss) what are the implications? He is NOT the jealous type. He is quite happy-go-lucky, average/mediocre joe and doesn't seem to give a damn but I don't want to be drawn into their social circle lest she starts to view me as a tool to get her BF to feel prouder of her.

And what should I do to escalate at an emotional level during the overseas "work trip"?

Just wanna say, if anyone of you is an advanced dating coach or has experience with similar situations before, I would be willing to pay for coaching as long as the rates are reasonable and not totally out of whack.

Alternatively I would also appreciate very much if anyone of you knows of a reputable coach who specialises in this area.

I have been trawling a number of PUA sites/forums and sadly none of them seem to be able to offer what I need.

Disclaimer: I don't regard this as anything UNETHICAL because I view her as a potential life partner not just a FWB or ONS. She is not happy with her current relationship status and I just want to make her happier. I will probably never again fuck around if I get her to enter into a stable relationship with me (and this coming from someone who has fucked over 400 girls in the past 6 years)

I'm not saying this because I'm caught up with things or obsessed.. I've given this matter a lot of thought and I would say that it was a decision that I took rationally and slowly rather than impulsively.

you dont need a pro coach just read my previous post