I have becoming a man of inner value and integrity, living proactively by preselected values that i have carefully chosen on the basis they will enhance my life.

However i am having trouble with setting boundaries, i know exactly what i will and will not accept from myself, BUT when faced with confrontation or someone shout views that i disagree with i am in two minds as to how to choose to behave. Obviously i proactively live by my values which are that of being loving and warm, giving value, playfulness etc positive actions.

Ive always tried to stay calm keep frame, use humour, not be rude and seem unaffected. But at what point do you say no, and call bullshit when someones playing up. And then how do you choose to act in this situation and feel good about it?

My problem is i feel I am conflicting my values when i put someone down, even if i feel they are playing up to much. I feel i am preaching if i argue my point of view back and that it makes me as bad as the person I'm arguing against. is this a bullshit belief? trying to get clarity in this area as i always feel like i want to be putting my view across strongly but do not believe this is an attractive behaviour

Any views would be great on this

Playtowin212

being passionate about an interesting topic is attractive to woman

getting salty and heated over nebulous philosophical or political points and getting emotionally out of control is unattractive

Be more detached and observe more and externally judge less

cheers detox75.

What about when someone is talking about a topic that sparks a emotion in you because they are putting a negative spin on it and framing yourself in an unattractive role.

obviously i try to keep my calm and have a stronger frame (is there a point where your frame should become more serious rather than adding humour to the situate all the time?) but this can be challenging in certain situations

Ask yourself why you get the urge to argue back or justify your beliefs. What is it they're saying that's insulting your belief?
What is causing that spike you then need to control and keep calm?
This says to me there's a part of your inner game that you haven't touched yet.
An insecurity as such.
I wont tell you how you should act or how i would. Because everyone is different.

Its just that: your "acting" a behaviour, like above, forcing yourself to be calm, rather than just being calm.

Regards,

Boyo

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I have a personal rule which is essentially: "Don't make too big of a deal about anything."

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[/quote]

Ask yourself why you get the urge to argue back or justify your beliefs. What is it they're saying that's insulting your belief?
What is causing that spike you then need to control and keep calm?
This says to me there's a part of your inner game that you haven't touched yet.
An insecurity as such.
I wont tell you how you should act or how i would. Because everyone is different.

Its just that: your "acting" a behaviour, like above, forcing yourself to be calm, rather than just being calm.

Regards,

Boyo[/quote]

Yes 100% agree with you Boyo, theres things now i shrug off like nothing now that a year ago would of got to me, I'm becoming more centred but still have a way to go.

And to answer your question usually when someone causes a spike in me, there comment is not aimed at me as such, they are doing something like throwing obnoxious stereotypical judgements at people to put them down (usually behind there back) which i can recognise as them putting other people down to make themselves feel better. This really annoys me and causes me to WANT to act out and tell them whats what! lol but i choose not to because as soon as i recognise myself reacting emotionally negative and that spike building up i stop myself talking because i don't want that unattractive feeling to shine through. even though i sometimes second guess myself because it feels like by not saying anything I'm letting them get away and even encouraging such behaviour. - you can see where I'm getting confused lol

Again any thoughts and criticism are welcome.

Playtowin212

You've got to get rid of the need to be right. Understand that every person has their own values, beliefs, and opinions, which they are entitled to, and they aren't always going to match your own. In fact, they will rarely match your own.

You've got to tell yourself that everything a person says is their own opinion and that's all it is; their opinion. It has nothing to do with you, it doesn't affect you at all. Even if they are talking about you, so what? If you are confident and secure in who you are, then you don't care what another person says about you, because you know that what they say doesn't change anything. Their opinion of who you are does not make you who you are.

If someone is talking about something, such as politics, religion, evolution, stomach acid, whatever. and you feel they are 100% wrong, don't worry about it. Let them be wrong. You don't have to correct them or present/defend your stance. That need comes from an insecure place within you.

Think of it like arguing on the internet. If someone posts something on the internet, and you disagree with it and it makes you angry... You have 2 choices: A. You can post a response calling them an idiot and telling them how wrong they are and start a debate in which both of you are trying to prove your own side to be true while not listening to or considering anything the other is saying. or B. You can just say "ah who cares what that person thinks?" and remove the need to respond, just click away from the post, and go about your life as if you never even read the post.

This pic should provide some perspective:


Silly, right? Who cares if they are wrong? Let them be wrong. It doesn't have any impact on your life at all, so just go on with your day.

If someone says grass is purple, that doesn't make it purple. Let them say it is purple, because it will still be green the next time you go outside.

Every time you start to feel that emotion and urge to debate, just tell yourself "it's only their opinion. it doesn't matter."

thanks for the reply Sidnne.

A little dilated perspective is all i needed to cement what i though was right.

There's a great line from the movie Braveheart. The king says, "Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?" I love the arrogance and entitlement in that quote.

I was in a road "confrontation" the other day, and the woman blocked my car and rolled down her window and the lips on her head moved as she tried to convey whatever thought she deemed important in her world. I just stared at her as her lips flapped until she finally drove off. You see, to me, the opinions of some squack in a minivan are worthless and meaningless. So I don't need to waste energy trying to communicate with someone like that. The path of least resistance is to just stare at them until they go away.

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“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn